By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
Keeping Faith,
If your solution is as simple/silly as spraying lysol under the bed and in the closet while telling your inner child “S’s hate this stuff Kiddo. Now, sleep tight!” then do it.
Don’t be ashamed. Don’t deride yourself for needing this crutch. Just give yourself what you need.
OH, and Keeping Faith –
I live in VA!
LOL Elizabeth read the other thread….we are on the same page just typing over each other. THANK YOU THANK YOU for at least helping me put htis in perspective in a positive way to get me through the day UGH !!!
I think you may be right. My therapist has done all he can. I think I need to come to terms with myself. I don’t want to deny or lose the good qualities. i just want to get my HUMMER out of his house making sure i left some really good tire tracks there that he may never be able to get rid of. Somehow I do think that is the case but he is just a pig and doesnt’ care too much about it. Neither does the trailer trash he is with. He will do to her what he did to his wife, his affair, to me, and probably many, many others.
PS 2 Jim,
My brain isn’t all that quick. My mouth and my fingers often run ahead to our communal ruin!
OMG….. Richmond area!! BTW I met an guy the other night who was trying to convince me that he too, was a Navy SEAL. I got his name and called on the contact who helped me investigate the XS and YES he was lying too. BEWARE they are bussing them in here !
OK Campers!
Time for me to torment, oops I meant teach my homeschooled darlings. They’re way too content at the moment!
Blessings!
One more thing…
Elizabeth Conley used the term: “odd look of triumph”.
Such an accurate description of the look the s had after cutting people down. He would take people’s most weak points or personal info he had on them and then he would throw it their face just to humiliate them.
It’s that look that komodo dragons have after swallowing the prey in whole.
Maybe this satiated look can be seen on non-s’s faces after good sex, but not quite. The s never had any emotions on his face after sex.
Something totally off topic…has anyone seen this show on the biogrphy chanel called “I survived”? There was an interesting case of a woman who became involved in a realtionship with a s. When she found out that he has stolen money from her, he shot her in the head 4 times. But she survived and pretended to be dead for 7 hours, laying on the floor. He kept checking on her and played videogames for hours right over her laying nearby for hours. He left the room for a bit after a while and she crawled to the phone to call 911. After 3 hours of hostage negotiations she got out and he gave himself up. I thought her description of events was very powerful and resonated with me for some reason. I have the feeling that this could have happened to me if I stayed with the s. I think for me the worse part was that he played video games for hours right next to her.
Aloha Traveler:
Excellent post. The dodge ball metaphor is dead on — and an accurate one in my case — physically and emotionally.
I couldn’t play dodge ball to save my life. My vision was extremely bad — undiagnosed until well into grade school. So, life on the dodgeball court on the playground was vicious. I couldn’t see the ball coming and so I got bombarded physically.
Problem was, I got bombarded emotionally, too. I grew up with a malignant N mother and what I now believe to be a S father.
Life was a daily bombardment of contradictory statements between them and from them. They would say anything in the moment to get me to comply. Rules were made on the fly. The goalposts were mobile. Promises were freely made and broken. When I would bring up those promises, the reality warp would begin.
Boundaries were fluid. There were no emotional boundaries and no physical boundaries. A closed door was verboten. A locked door would ensure a beating or worse.
By the age of 7 or 8 I pretty much gave up fighting back. I knew I was in a fight for my life, but survival basically meant I wasn’t killed by these two lunatics. Most kids have forts, or clubhouses.
I had foxholes — places I could run for cover when it got really bad, and hopefully they couldn’t find me. That didn’t mean there wouldn’t be a beating, but hopefully they would have had a chance to work over somebody else by the time they got their hands on me.
By the time S came into my life, I was on the cusp of 50. I had gotten that far, I now see, with some pretty poor self-defense skills.
The night I met S he hit me with the love bomb version of dodge ball. Because I had had so little love and affection in my life, every love ball he threw at me found its ready and willing target.
And then he changed the game.
Emotional abuse dodgeball was the new game. And he ran the drill exactly as you described. Of course, that AHA moment finally came when I thought “If you are always the victim and I am always the perpetrator, then why do you stick around?” And I looked around me and the carnage he had caused in my life and realized I had to get him out.
I now see so clearly how the trauma/betrayal bonds were set in place by my parents. And I now see so clearly how every area of my life has been affected by them — working for sociopathic bosses, getting involved with sociopaths.
I mourn the fact that I’ve wasted 50 years of my life turning myself inside out, trying to please the unpleasable, sacrificing myself endlessly.
On the other hand, I’m grateful that I finally woke up and can try to turn the ship of my life onto a new, healthier, more satisfying course.
Elizabeth Conley and keeping-faith:
“DO THEY DO THIS DELIBERATELY WITH PREMEDITATION OR IS IT JUST PART OF THE DISORDER THAT MAKES THE BEHAVIOR THIS WAY?”
“I think it’s a combination of the two. I think they are aware of much of their own bad behavior, but it is part of the disorder and they neither want nor know how to change.
Crazy as it sounds, I don’t think an S/N can see what the pattern of their behavior costs them. They seem to be very much “in the moment”, or close to it.’
I agree.
On some level S knew what has behavior had cost him. But, that didn’t stop him from doing the same things over and over and over again. I tried to get him into counselling. But, he had no interest in changing a single thing about himself or working on our so-called relationship.
If S had the ability to think 3 steps ahead, he would have seen that counselling would have made me a bit happier and would keep me in the fold. He would have realized I meant it when I told him that Greece was our last chance for us to get back on track. And he definitely would have known that if he treated me a bit better I would have married him and prenup notwithstanding, he would have had a very sweet life. All he had to do was try to play ball with me and he could have had whatever he wanted (hmmm, good analogy now that I think of the dodge ball theme).
No, S had all the foresight of a crack addict. It was always about the here and now.
He always said he wanted the life I could offer him — doorman building in a pre-war co-op apartment with a woodburning fireplace, travel, vacation home etc.
In the end he was solely focused on his habit and his need to bleed me for a lousy 10 grand to get him back into his apartment.
Needless to say, he didn’t get it. In any sense of the word.
Keeping faith – When I was going through EXACTLY what youre going through one of the things that helped me stopped obsessing over him was getting up one day and imagining I had him back in my life. Yep, that day (in my imagination) we were going to meet for breakfast… make all nice…catch up together…hit the park for a long walk…take a drive… go back home maybe have sex…relax… listen to music….maybe grab dinner…
I imagined him coming over to pick me up and ringing my doorbell — in reality, if it were reality, AT THAT MOMENT I knew I wouldnt want to open the door. I didnt want to be the one on his arm. I didnt want to sit at breakfast and pay for his meal cuz he lost yet another job…or walk in the park with someone whose phone was blowing up with other women calling/texting. Or take a drive with him and listen to his pathological stories of his inflated self-ego. I didnt want to have sex with someone who has NO CLUE about intimacy or monogamy (and lies about it). By the end of the day, I realized I was obsessing over a LUSER. And if I didnt stop and start to change my thoughts, I could possibly find myself missing out on so many wonderful opportunities with family, friends and new opportunities.
I want whoever is with him to have him, keep him, deal with him, put up with him. I started doing things to “distract my train of thought” – it was up to me to get myself away from obsessing over someone I DIDNT EVEN WANT TO BE WITH. I started small…moving from laying in my bed …to sitting up…to reorganizing my closet (while sitting on my bed lol – going through clothes, sorting, organizing,.. then eventually, I got out of my room all day! Organized the kitchen…joined meetup.com for my favorite hobby…started pilates twice a week…ordered a cheesesteak and cheesefries one day – JUST BECAUSE i WANTED TO! – started doing things I WANTED TO DO AGAIN….and the obssessive thoughts were happening less and less. I HAD TO MAKE THE COMMITMENT TO MYSELF TO WORK ON IT, HELP MYSELF, AND FIND WHAT WORKED FOR ME. Keeping faith, did I have setbacks? YEP! YOU BET!!! Had to duct tape the car radio…. Had to go to ladies room in a restaurant because I couldnt hold it in anymore that particular day/that moment. But then I remembered the door bell ringing moment and how much I didnt want to be his partner, or in his arms, or by his side. He would lie, cheat and steal all over again. I stopped letting him robbing me blind any more (hadnt seen him in months but I was still letting him steal my moments, my time, my energy, my dream space)…. And every now and then he still does… but its just different….when you are ready… only when you are ready… you will get there on your own. Everyone has their own timeframe and its different. What you are going through is normal how long you go through it or want to go through it is up to you. We all are here for you…and cant wait to hear what you finally chose to do or realized you had to do in order to move on to the next phase of healing… hang in there!
Matt,
Trying to get htem help through counseling I suspect would no thelp them. if truly and S/P, they can’t/won’t/ don’t desire to admit any dysfunction. The S went to a counseling session with me twice. First time he said he would only go again if I switched counselors becaue she told him he was placating his daughter. Which pissed him off and was conisstent with what his x wife and sister said.
Second time he admitted lying to me from day one. Spent most of the time telling all the horrible things about me in a passive way, like he was concerned for me…..then left the session talking about how awful the counselor was….. more of the same. Arrogant.
yet there were times when I would get glimpses of him trying to figure out…..”why do I feel like i just want to punch some strager in the head? Why does my daughter say that she just can’t include people in her life? Why do I want to just run away or get so angry when people don’t agree with everything I say?”