By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
OMG, the s I lived with adores dodgeball! Ha!
“He would have realized I meant it when I told him…”
That was one of the most fascinating things about the S. He just couldn’t process straight talk. He never really understood that I meant what I said. He could never really grasp that everything I told him was the unqualified truth.
“You don’t really mean that.” and “I don’t believe you.” were the two major constants in his communications to me. What he accused me of was actually true of him, not me. Nonetheless, because he projected his own failings onto me, he couldn’t see the obvious. If he’d realized I was telling him the truth and meant what I said, his life would be easier and pleasanter right now.
The idea of someone meaning what they say and consistently telling the truth was inconceivable to him. No amount of demonstration could alter his belief that other people were just like him.
LTL, I am crying reading you post. Trying what you proposed and the can of anti-antisocial that Elizabeth gave me may help !!!!
I do admit that there was a time that I prayed for him to come banging on my door to be all he said he was. To not leave me again. To show me that he made a mistake and I hate even admitting that.
I will tell you that maybe imagining it all now will help but I do fee the way you do. if he came to my door today, regardless of the reason, I would look at him through the little side window so he knew I saw him and I would turn and walk away. WHen I saw him with her on friday. My heart was racing. Not because I wanted him but because his ignorance and hurt are still haunting me (I think). Because i feel like he was there on purpose. He wants me to be hurt. And I want him prosecuted.
I used to get the “what do you want from me?” or “you don’t know what the f__k you want” every time I tried explaining what I felt frustrated about.
That really sent my head for a spin. It turned the table on me. He made me out to be the confused and lost one. I tried talking to him but he deflected and projected onto me. It is not possible to have a human interaction this way.
Maybe I was not as ulterior motive oriented as him. I did not have a soul sucking agenda like him.
I agree with keeping_faith about therapy being not very helpful with a s. I have long discussions with my therapists about sociopaths. She has told me that she refers clients with sociopathic tendencies to other therapists because she refuses to work with them.
She said that s will always try to outsmart and get into the head of the therapist; that is if they even stick with therapy long enough. There is no rehabilitation with them. They do not feel like there is anything to be changed about them, so they do not see the point of therapy at all.
PS. 2
Keeping the Faith,
You can try going a bit crazy yourself. If you think a bit of revenge would help, try it.
1. Write something rude in fertilizer on his front lawn. Then wait for the spring rain. By May he’ll be going ape trying to erase the message and figure out WTF happened. With any luck he’ll get nailed with some sort of profanity charge.
2. Put his phone number and some lewd remarks on the bathroom stalls of the men’s room at the bus station.
3. Crawl under his car and place an opened sardine can on a secure, warm spot on the engine block.
4. Put cat food out in his backyard. Just sling it. A dish only tips him off.
5. Put a small amount of honey in the very back of his mail box in early spring.
6. Sign him up for EVERYTHING. Suggest his name and number to every sales caller and charity you can think of.
7. I know someone who fed an enemy’s dog ex lax. I can’t recommend this in all cases, but if the dog is a dachshund, go ahead. Everybody knows dachshunds are evil incarnate.
Revenge makes many people feel better. If you think it’ll help, go for it!
Dear KF and others with PTSD,
I got some therapy for my PTSD (which I got from my husband’s accidental death in a plane crash–I was there on the ground when it happened) called RAPID EYE MOVEMENT THERPAY—and guys, it HELPED A LOT.
I have had NOTHING ever help me as rapidly and as MUCH as this therapy did. It allowed me to still have the memory of what happened, but to NOT ASSOCIATE the horrible emotions and feelings with that memory.
I also noticed that even though my therapy focused on the airplane crash and the fire, it ALSO helped me with the PTSD associated with the P-attacks of my son, mother, etc. etc.
I’m not sure exactly HOW this works, but some how it DOES. I would highly recommend that if you have (or even think you have PTSD) that you check this out. It isn’t a magic cure, I still had to do the WORK of healing, but it let me get enough peace to START the other healing!
Rapid eye movement therapy, sounds interesting. I think I will check it out.
Also, question about revenge. I keep having sweet fantasies of revenge too. I kept supressing them endlessly. Actually my old therapist has discouraged any pre-occupation with revenge fantasies. My new therapist (the old one passed away recently) actually said that I might want to consider some of the revenge tactics mentioned above such as #2 and #6 or even sending a letter to the college, in the name of a made up person, that he preys on his students, which would actually not be a lie. I was one of his students and his current wife was a student. And all the others in between that I will not have proof for.
For a long time I have shied away from revenge, mostly because it made me face my own obsessions of thinking about him. Also, I always thought that he would trace the revenge right back to me. After all he used to go through people’s garbage to find out things about them, so he can put 2+2 together. Perhaps enough time has gone by that he would not suspect….he has other people that hate him.
Perhaps doing something along those aboved metioned items might make me feel better.
It might. Small, basically harmless, symbolic acts of revenge may alleviate feelings of helplessness.
If there’s anything I’ve learned about taking care of myself emotionally, it that emotions aren’t reasonable.
Sometimes irrational solutions work, which I guess makes them rational.
Ooh, my aching head!
Elizaveth…Living vicariously through some of these posts is the best medicine too! Thanks for the laughs