By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
JUSTICE IS NOT REVENGE. Exposing a predator is not revenge.
The psychopaths will SEE IT AS REVENGE though. Chances are, they will want to “get revenge back” as well.
When my P-son was 17, I caught him with stolen goods and I CALLED THE COPS (I knew as a juvy he wouldn’t get into much trouble, and I hoped that a night in jail would wake him up) HE STILL HATES ME FOR THAT.
If I had caught YOUR son with the stolen goods, I would have turned him in, and I think just because it was MY SON that I still did not lose responsibility for turning in a THIEF and I also hoped that it would “wake him up.”
Instead of waking him up, he now blames me for every crime he has been incarcerated for since that one, including the murder he is currently incarcerated (that he committed 3 yrs later after I had turned him in) FOLKS, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST, IT IS ALL MY FAULT! If you don’t believe me, then ask my P-son!
Last year I had VALID reason to believe that he had ACCESS TO ANOTHER CELL PHONE (a felony no-no inside prison) and I called the prison to inform them. He got searched and they did not find one. BOY WAS HE MAD AT ME for “informing” on him.
Lately (last few months) I had access to a WRITTEN STATEMENT that showed he had at least LIMITED ACCESS to a cell phone (in his hand wriging) and I FORWARDED A COPY to the prison warden along with a letter explaining why.
With access to a phone, he has much better chance of arranging for my murder than he does without that access.
He was caught about 3-4 years ago with a cell phone. So this is not just some idle supposition on my part that there are cell phones in prison and he had one. When they let me take his craft shop materials out, as I was putting them away I found TWO MORE CELL PHONES hidden in a boot stand (he was a boot maker in prison).
My P son prides himself on “putting one over on the hacks (guards)” He lives for the thrill of getting away with stuff.
He once got busted with porno DVDs when he worked in the prison school teaching computer skills to other inmates. Now he has no computer access ever again, and so on. He has been “busted” for serious violations of rules at least 19 times in 20 years (that I know about). Of course he never told us the TRUTH of why he was “busted” except for the cell phone thing, which the prison told us about.
When he had his medical records copies sent to me, I also got copies of the physical examination they do everytime before an inmate is placed in “solitary” confinement (administrative segregation is the “technical term”) so I found that he had been sent to solitary 19 times and the “crimes” were written on each slip as well. For the cell phone he was also busted from “minimum” security to medium security. High security is in a solitary cell 23 hours a day. Medium security is with a “roomie” 20-23 hours a day. Minimum security means he can go to the craft shop and/or have a job and “earn good time.”
On a “life sentence” like he has, “good time” doesn’t mean much, however the large number of “serious” rules infractions will make it more difficult for him to get a parole. I will be at his parole hearing with my attorney in January 2011 REQUESTING THAT HE NEVER BE LET OUT—-I hope the parole board will listen to me, otherwise, I am “outta here” for “parts unknown.”
I hear you oxdrover too. I sway between the sweet fantasy of the harmless revenge and the fear inside me that says don’t do it because he will know who did it.
Like I said, he thinks and pre-plans everything meticulously. He himself have devised many revenge schemes on co-workers and people that he could not dominate and control. So he is pretty excellent at the revenge game. He would probably know.
Although I was relieved to see that I am not the only one that thinks that the s needs to be fed his own poison. It’s maybe somewhere along the lines to what Learnthelesson said about living through these fantasies vicariously. Thanks for all of you being open about this discussion.
Thank you Aloha for the post as I too can relate so well.
I am one of the lurkers who has been reading LoveFraud since before the Donna started the blog. I can relate to many of the stories. It has helped reading about others who “get it”. Certain nuggets of advice have also been helpful.
I am still struggling for closure and thought I’d try participating more actively to see if that might be helpful.
I’ve had two traumatic experiences with individuals who fit multiple elements of the cluster B personality disorders. The first was my ex-“husband.” I am not comfortable going into too much detail for legal and safety reasons. However, suffice it to say that I began reading LoveFraud with regularity because there was so much similarity between Donna’s description of her ex and mine.
My second is the “wife”of a close friend and colleague who, with the help of her psychopathic mother, very intentionally and systematically destroyed him until he committed suicide just over a year ago.
I took the advice offered by one of the blog partcipants and attended a grief support group earlier this week, which did not work out well. I think it is better to avoid any mention of cluster b behavior with those who have not experienced it unless there is adequate time and motivation on the part of the listeners to understand the phenomenon. Otherwise, to attempt to find some relief by doing so with the (lucky-for-them) uninitiated is at best an exercise in extreme frustration.
That said, I am very interested in educating the public and the first responders (mental health, medical and law enforcement professionals) about cluster B personality disorders and hope to bounce some ideas off the group in addition to working through some of the trauma of the last few years.
Thank you again, Donna, for creating LF, and thank you blog participants for sharing your experiences and insights.
Elizabeth Conley:
No need to go the the trouble of crawling under an S’s car to deposit a sardine.
Just drop a shrimp in their hubcap. The smell is wretched, they can’t figure out where it’s coming from, and you don’t need to get your clothes dirty crawlng under a car.
No fuss, no muss.
Another helpful hint from Matt’s House of Revenge.
And now a word from our sponsors…
Charming, Matt. Simply Charming!
OXY, I thought of you this past weekend in the movie theater. I went to see Madea goes to jail. I love that character. She went on for a while in one scene, while in jail, about forgiveness being about us not them. It reminded me of the exchange weeks ago about anger and forgiveness. Just thought I would share that. Somehow I don’t picture you looking like Madea or going to jail yourself but I do like her demeanor and attitude about kicking ass and taking names. ANd in one of her movies I liked the part where she wielded that BIG SKILLET!!
Dear everyone–
do you mind reaching out, if only a sentence or two.
I cannot tell you how exacto– right on the above article is!
I am traveling and have been in a state of high anxiety over the trauma of ex S– that happened four months ago!
I am in a southern state– which reminds me of where I was with him-it is like being at the scene of the crime. And I keep hearing him saying in my head how it wsa “my fault” I “crossed the line”– all of the above.
My friends and fam and tired of hearing about it. Move on! Be glad you are out of it Meg!
How you guys– HOW DO WE RELEASE THE ABOve? Everything in this article is EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME! How do we let go of so much gunk and evil and things that you wished were video recoreded so others could see that you are not the crazy one–.
Myt God he rewrote history– even his damned psychologist believed him!
Will I never get over this? Ever?
I wish I could call and tell the man I loved how much I loved and miss him– oh yeah–he was not real. How sick is this?
THanks.
akitameg, I am not in a good state today….bad dreams, flashbacks…..but I almost feel like we need to lose our sense of empathy for them and for us and for the situation and get REALLY righteous and arrogant about what they have done. Simply in order to turn the attention to ourselves NOT as victims but as healing people who aren’t goona take shit. I am serious. I am not arrogant. Nothing is ever beneath me but now HE IS BENEATH ME and I’m so tired of feeling this way. it is exhausting me. I want my life back. I want my energy back. I am taking it back. I am a little angry with myself for feeling like this today. ENOUGH already. THey aren’t real. THis is what a nightmare and a haunting is TRULY.
Lol, Matt, that’s a good one, you can do that quick and be on your way with none the wiser.
Elizabeth & keeping_faith – I live in VA too! About 50 or 60 miles north of Richmond.
Aloha – I really like your dodgeball analogy, it’s very fitting. I think it’s the easiest way to explain how we didn’t see things coming. When I’ve told people about the things I went through with the S, some of them have just looked at me funny or said, how could you have stayed that long? On the outside, the red flags are glaringly obvious, but when I was in the middle of everything being bombarded with balls I was so turned around, reacting so defensively, I couldn’t do anything else. Eventually I just curled up in the fetal position and took the hits.
Elizabeth – You mentioned the S projecting his own failings, that’s what my ex-S did to me all the time, especially when he was drunk. He actually admitted to doing it after I left him, but it was as he was crying, professing undying love, and trying to show he understood what he did wrong so I’d come back. The fact that he understood so well all of the terrible things he did didn’t make me have sympathy for him like he plotted, it frightened me.
Therapy was useless for my ex-S too, he was forced into it for a weekend while he was under observation after his suicide threat. The only reason he confessed to being an alcoholic was because he was trying to draw their attention away from his bigger problems. By the time he left, he had the counselors convinced he was ok, they just suggested he attend some AA meetings, which he agreed to do and never did.
Greenfern – I can understand why you’d be afraid to take even harmless revenge. However, have you ever thought about maybe writing some fictional tales of revenge. Not quite the same as obsessing over fantasies of yourself taking revenge on him, but a healthy outlet. I write crappy little melodramatic fiction stories in my head, and sometimes on paper, even though I don’t let anyone read them. The main character is a female who had almost been killed by a criminal and became a vigilante. It lets me vent my darker thoughts and feelings in a way that doesn’t disturb me too much.
akitameg:
You’re right — the only friends and family plan is the one offered by the phone company. Otherwise, there is no plan that friends and family want to hear about the sociopath. They just don’t get it. This is the place to vent. We all get it.
I broke up with S 4 months ago on Saturday.
I think the venting goes hand-in-hand with the anger. As the anger begins to lessen, I find the need to vent decreases. In my case at least,
I think now that I’ve wrapped up business with S, I’m finding I don’t want to put the energy into staying mad at him. It just wastes energy that I could put into moving my life forward.
Not to say I don’t have my bad days. But, it’s all part of the process. You’ve got to let yourself go through the process.
Will you get over this? Yeah, you will. But, for God’s sake, don’t call the bastard. Otherwise you’ll only feel worse.