By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
OxDrover, You are too FUNNY! Worms? LMAO! BOINK! So true! You know they probably don’t realize that they have personality disorders and certainly don’t care. It is a game of who wins-challenging and drama! Just what keeps them going……
I am just glad it is them and not me. “Never the Twain Shall Meet… again.”
Keeping_Faith and Meg (all of us)
Stay TRUE to yourself! Keep faith that it does get better. You will have dreams and anger and hatred and feel insane and crazy! IT’S ALL NORMAL! As crazy as that sounds, it is all normal. I was scared to death of all of these feelings,; they were not very familiar to me. I thought OMG, I might need medication or to be put a way for a short while….Then I walked and walked and cried and thought and walked and cried some more. I came to the conclusion that it makes you so crazy because it it so difficult to give up on something that is so good and so bad at the same time! I knew that I had to give up this person that I had known (thought I knew) and loved so much. He had so many great qualities that he allowed me to see and gain trust in and then so many bad things that I found out one small damaging piece at a time. After I moved him out, he made promises and begged me to take him back. “We were the blueprint for everyone else” LOL, then said, F**K YOU! the next minute and that he wouldn’t take me back if I begged him. Then apologized for the f**k YOU and blamed it on being so distraught over losing me. It was really quite dizzying when I look back at it all. I remember one day my son heard me getting off the phone and I was crying and upset about something the S did and his reply set me free. He said,”It is NOT who you are and it does not matter what he says or does- It does NOT change who you are!” “Just be who you are and know that the choice is yours.” “He is the messed up person-not you.” I will never forget that from my smart kiddo.
I still have moments that I remember the good things but the trade off for that relationship is much too great and something that I am not willing to give up on- MYSELF!
Take much care….
Aloha,
Excellent post! It is where I am. I just cannot get re-centered. I don’t know who I am, what I want, can’t see beyond tomorrow, afraid to make any decisions incase it’s the wrong one. I feel like I am lost. I know God has a purpose for me, but what is it? I have survived 3 bad marriages, near terminal cancer, depression-to be doing -what? When I try to ask myself,”Who are you?”, I can only answer I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a peacekeeper, I hate confrontations. But who am I??
I don’t know who I am either, I would describe it as scared and lonely.
Everyone–
thanks for your respnoses. I can’t lie. I feel like I will never be okay again. I feel as if this relationship/trauma islike “cancer” and is and will always be with me.
Do you know how sick it is that I miss and yearn and cry and literally want to die b/c I miss the man I loved so much— BUT– found out HE was not even real?
Or was he? Did this guy almost have two personalities?
I am missing my psycopath? Do you know how crazy that sounds? My friends and little fam say, “THank God you are away from him.”
No, NO No– THat is NOT WHAT HAPPENED. THe guy I was in love with was AWESOME. It was not the guy who discarded me, smeared me and assualted me the last few mins I knew him. It is like that was someone else?
this pain may never, ever, ever go away. He is not dead. THat wwould be 100 millions times easier.
Now I have to live witht eh fact that some other woman will have my gorgeous man that I loved–
but then again– he was not real–
THis is too crazy. I honestly wish God would just come down and tell me what to do and how to feel and if I had not “crossed his line” that nite his mom was suddenly dying– what would have happened?
I keep thinking it would have been happily ever after. But reality says otherwise.
If any of you pray– I ask you to pray for me. I am in the worst way. I feel this will never, ever go away.
have had no nc since Oct. 3rd. Why can’t I just call the guy I loved for two years and wanted to spend the rest of my life with and have a child (Big one for me being adopted and other stuff…)– oh yeah–
I can’t call him– b/c he is ot real– AND B/C IT WOULD BE VICTORY TO HIM.
THis is the worst quagmire I could evern fathom. I wish I drank. Or did drugs. Or anything. Don’t want sex– it will never compare to that with my ex.
I never knew pain could be this unbearable–and I have had a traumatic life. For GOd’s sake– I am visitng my birthmother right now– and I did not meet her til I was 20 years old!!! My6 biodad who was a narcissistic, s– and doctor from ARgentina made her give me up for adoption in 1970 so it would not ruin his “reputation”—
This all sucks. I am not going to do it– but I truly understand suicide now. But with my luck– I’ve been watching this killer show on hauntings–
I would end up a ghost or polterguiest or something freaking out and not getting to the other side and being stuck in the pain I am in now.
I cannot believe two years ago I was a pro singer with gigs downtwon and an awesome following– and now I am this–NOTHING. Jobless. Kind of homeless. Haunted and missing a damned psycopath.
akitameg: If any of you pray”“ I ask you to pray for me.
My prayers are with you and for everyone here daily for healing from these dysfunctional personalities.
We are survivors, still in pain, but it will be easier in time, be gentle on yourself.
akitameg,
i hear you. i feel you. i understand you. i am you.
i was where you are a few months ago (about 4-5 months NC). i just could not fathom it.
but then, i just had to let it go. as much as possible. i knew that if i didn’t stop trying to analyze it, i would lose my mind … literally.
as you become healthier without them (but HELL, the sex was great!), you start to just — i dunno … accept it.
i hear you. i feel you.
we all do.
i hold you in the light …
akitameg: When I was down, as far down mentally as I could be, and trying to figure things out that had happened in my relationship with the S, and they happened over and over and got Worse each time I took him back. I felt therapy was working but I also felt I could have been making more progress than I was. I wanted to hurry this pain up, and be the old me fast, like now. It was excruciating.
So I went to my church to set up an appointment with the Pastor. I got there and walked past the office and felt I could not go in, I felt awkward in asking to meet with him. I was so confused I thought he may think I was strange, for lack of a better word. As I slipped past the office and did not want to turn around I went into the church and sat, all alone, and it was quiet. Those quiet moments at a peaceful place were absorbed, God already knew of my pain. I prayed to ask for healing and had a totally good cry, like I never had.
I left and went to the office and asked for an appointment.
It was the next day. The Pastor looked very concerned but ready to be there and advise me. I started to talk and broke down into tears of my life and everything that happened, and more I did not intend to talk about. The Pastor held my hand as I spoke, gave me confession and spoke of ways of dealing with the situation in my life on a personal level, on a a spiritual level, and when he was done he talked as a friend that had his own pain.
At first when I left his office, I felt silly for going, but that was quickly replaced with a relief. I cannot describe it. Maybe it was a validation that I needed to see I was not abandoned by the Divine. I knew I wasn’t, but this validation, peace of mind, and guidance helped. It is a very personal decision to go and I thought I would never ever talk about it to anyone.
sstiles54:
I know all too well that feeling of not making a decision because its the wrong one. Two things I’ve come to learn.
First, by not making a decision, you are making a decision – by default. So, as hard as it is, I found that if I think about something, its better to make a decision, even if its wrong, than no decision at all.
Second, I’ve found that when a decision seems impossible to make or the problem I”m confronting seems overwhelming, I try to break the problem down to smaller and smaller components that don’t seem so overwhelming A friend of mine calls it decision making by degrees
Whatever you want to call it, I find this helpful in periods when I’m not feeling too secure in m decision making processes. If you break it down, and make a decision regarding component A, and then discover maybe it wasn’t the right course of action, you can change your course of action.
Not sure how helpful that is, but, it works for me, so I thought I’d pass it along.
OxDrover:
Regarding the marriage of two disorder personalities getting together — gasoline and fire — I grew up in such a household. Yes, the marriage was explosive — and not from positive chemistry.
I always said my parents had a marriage made in hell and presided over by Satan himself. I wouldn’t wish what I grew up with on my worst enemy. Well, maybe I would wish it on S. Then again, I wouldn’t even wish S on my parents.
akitameg:
When I first broke up with S 4 months ago, he was constantly monopolizing my thoughts. Then again, he had monopolized my thoughts for the previous 15 months, so why should things be any different.
Someone on this site suggested to me that if I only allowed myself to think about him for set periods of time, it would help break his hold on me. It’s hard to do, but I found it helped.
Also, by not allowing yourself to think about him all the time, it helps counteract the tendency to idealize your S’s good qualities and miminize his bad qualities.
For me, by not thinking about his so called “good” qualities, which I only saw in the first part of the relationship, but instead focusing on his monstrous qualities, it helped me get angry. And the anger, more than anything, is what helps you move on with your life.
Matt–
why do we idealize their good qualities like this?
hello MEg– he threw you on the floor and stepped on you the last nite– only letting your breathe if you said, “Yes– the relationship is over b/c of ME.”
Why am I not only thinking about this sick stuff– like good ridance.
This makes no sense. If someone put a little bit of poop in my lemonade– I would not want the lemonade anymore.
Okay–0 only certain times a day. What about him being in my dreams all of the time? SEx and everything. It is sick!
It is sick that I would WANT sex with someone like that. But I did not know at the time I was with him that he was like that– otherwise I would not have had sex with him.
yes– pheew. Exhausting.