By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
AlohaTraveler–
I should have written this earlier today.
Thank you for your post. I actually can hardly believe the exactness to which you have disected the truth of my encounter. I wish more therapist knew what you know.
Bless you and we are all very blessed b/c of you!
I still can’t believe how right on that article is. You see– I am not crazy.
As I read tonight…the pain, well, I wish I could do something more. I still have some pain, but not like a year or two ago.
I don’t know what else to do. Pray…I can do that.
akitameg…that person you felt love for…the reflection of your love….well, I know that mine is gone…won’t come back.
Once the mask dropped…gone. Almost three years later, she’s a reflection of the one she’s with now. Two of my daughters, one 13 and the other 24, talk about the foul language, daily drinking of alcohol, motorcycle riding, bars…she changed,or never was. My “wife” and the “mother” they thought they knew is gone, replaced by someone else. Sad, we had a nice family at one time, not perfect, but ok. Gone. But I have some good kids…out of that…so I wouldn’t take it back.
Can’t have a “do-over.”
akitameg…in my prayer…that you sing again…with joy.
Aloha Traveler,
Lets see if we can resolve whether Bad Man is narcissistic or borderline.
This one is called: Rate Your Mate!
For letters A thru E, give Bad Man a score from 1(least) to 9 (most).
Characteristic: Definition
A. Harm avoidance: fear of bodily, emotional, or other personal injury
B. Novelty seeking: openness to new physical and/or intellectual experiences
C. Reward dependence: honest agreeableness, eagerness to please others
D. Persistence: conscientiousness, work ethic, long term goal seeking
E. Environmental: (in terms of overall quality) parenting, culture, education, traumatic experiences
Our example “Good Girl” scores thus:
A. 7 (somewhat shy but will see horror movies with her boyfriend)
B. 5 (average curiosity about new trends)
C. 8 (very eager to please, loves kids and holding small animals)
D. 8 (got good grades on her way to becoming an algebra teacher)
E. 8 (great parents, childhood traumas were few, dog got hit by a car at age 8)
Give it a shot.
==========
Student Of Sociopathy
“grinny” is supposed to be “8)”
akitameg:
In my case, I’ve come to realize that I idealized my S’s so-called good qualities as a coping mechanism.
His abusive behavior steadily escalated. Because I couldn’t get my mind around what he was doing, I started to idealize him and his so-called good qualities.
And that idealization becomes a conditioned response. I think it is part of what people on this site call brain fog. And that’s exactly what it is. Once you get a little more distance and a little more clarity, you will start to see that your ex was not all that great.
When I read about your last night with your ex, all I thought was “Jesus. If I were a prosecuor, I’d be charging him with attempted homicide.”
Attempted homicide, akitameg. He could have killed you. Not much to idealize there.
Kathy’s post on anger is dead on. Problem is, it’s initially hard to get there.
Some people on this site have suggested making lists. Maybe it would help you to make a list of every nasty thing he said to you, every horrid thing he did to you, every possession he stole from you, every loan he never paid back — you get the drift.
And then make a list of his so-called ideal qualities. My money’s on that list being much, much shorter.
truebeliever……thank you thank you!!! I am not sure why someone so strong (and I am) needs such affirmation. it is disturbing. I’m not afraid to ask for help but I do feel liek i NEED sometimes to hear the same thigs over and over. I’m not a stupid woman but I feel stupid some times as it relates to this stuff. Just thanks to everyone. i feel so supported and NORMAL today after waking up feeling so abnormal. This is true therapy…. GROUP therapy
OXY, You boinked me. That hurt. As you know I meant no disrespect to the ultimate jackass…..and i guess youa re right jackass is too good a word….Now don’t get me started because I could think of SOOOOOOOOO many other words for him and I have had a few cocktails tonight…..
I needed the boink with the frying pan for all the nonsense I experienced today. I was out of control and I hope to have a good night’s sleep tonight with no nightmares, no flashbacks no sociopath nonsense. Thank you for your help today. I;’m taking Elizabeth’s spray and spraying all around my bed with a can of woop ass to see if that drives his soor ass away from my dreams !!
As this is my first post, a little background. In the Fall of 2006 I was a 52 year “empty nester”- my only child, my daughter, had just gone off to college. I was ,and still am ,stuck in a loveless marriage with an older man with many ailments. However, leaving him or even having an affair never entered my mind. My lifelong poor self image made me believe that I would never be desirable to another man. (In retrospect, I was the perfect “target”.) I put all my energy into my job as a social work supervisor of foster care workers in a large urban social services department.
One day, I was introduced to D, a new supervisor. He immediately made a huge first impression, chatting away like we were old friends, I felt like I had known him forever. As we got to know each other, he told me that he was happily married, but that his wife had a lot of health problems (much later, I realized this was the “pity play” described by Martha Stout in “The Sociopath Next Door”). He began paying alot of attention to me – my co-workers were convinced he was flirting with me, but I just thought he was being friendly. But, I was becoming more and more attracted to him and started to fall in love with him- although I thought it was just a fantasy on my part. However, one day while I was in his office “chatting”, he shut the door and asked me if he could kiss me. My shocked, but exhilarated response was ” what would your wife think?” “She wouldn’t like it”, he said. But he insisted he only had one other affair in his 18 year marriage. Well, I was completely caught up and what followed completely swept me off my feet. He took me out to a beautiful dinner, to hotels, bought me nice gifts , flattered me often, and basically made me feel like the most desirable woman in the world. I felt sorry for him, with his wife so sick (recovering from breast cancer and melamona to say nothing of the horrible side effects of the medicine she had to take) she probably was not interested in sex- so I was helping to fill the void. There were some questionable things he did with money and at work (fudging time sheets, for example) that I normally would have thought was terrible, but since it was him, it was cool. We were together whenever we could be, ate lunch together every day, snuck kisses in his office or in the elevator, got together on weekends when possible. He called me several times a day and we e-mailed frequently as well. He helped me whenever I needed to take my car to the shop .He acted like our relationship would be ongoing. We even went away overnight to a “conference”. By then I was in love and fantasized that we would someday be able to be together- I thought he felt that way too. He did have a bad time in the Summer of 2007 when C “an old girlfriend” died after a car accident- but he seemed to get over that.
I was devastated in December 2007 when D got a promotion and moved to another building in a different part of town. I so missed the daily contact and lunches, but he continued to seem very interested in me, calling me several times a day and arranging get-togethers once or twice a week. I got used to the diminished contact and just enjoyed every moment we could be together. We went away for two days to a car show (he is a car enthusiast) in June 2008 – I had a great time and thought he did too. Throughout all this,he always insisted he and his wife were happily married and never even remotely implied that he would ever leave her. I accepted that although if he had said he was leaving his wife, I probably would have left my husband for him.
July 31 began the same as any other day, I went to work and D called a few times. He said his wife was busy that evening and so he could take me out to dinner. We met after work and went to a nice restaurant. After we ordered the food, he looked at me and said ” I think I have been giving you the wrong impression, I know you are in love with me , but I’m not in love with you.” When I asked if he was breaking up with me, he said no- he just wanted me to know this, but he still wanted to see me. Needless to say, I was blindsided and absolutely destroyed. But it only got worse, a few days later, he told me he was interested in another woman in his new building ( who I later found out he made a move on earlier in the day of July 31). After this revelation, he basically ended it with me. His phone calls became much less frequent and get-togethers ended- then he told me he was feeling very guilty because his wife was having new health problems and he was “cooling it with everyone”.
For several months in the Fall of 2008, he actually had me believing that he was being true to his wife. But then I made the discovery that he had been wooing this other woman all along and had finally won her over. Apparently she, too, is vulnerable (newly divorsed) who succumbed to his advances, flattery just like I did-(also she reminded him of C, who it turned out was not an “old girlfriend” but a woman he was having an affair with all throughout his marriage and even when he started seeing me )- then it hit me, he must have had a woman on evey job he ever had- and he has a shaky job history.
Now, and especially after reading Martha Stout’s book and Dr. Hare’s writings, I am convinced that D has many of the characteristics of a sociopath. He initially draws you in with his amazing charm. He has no guilt at all. He probably does not really know what love is. He is bored easily. He lies constantly- (I’ve witnessed hin telling his wife countless lies on the phone).He has taken up with this new woman ,after being with me for 18 months ,without a backward glance. He surely feels no guilt about his poor wife ( who I’m convinced is probably not all that sick Also, she must have some idea what he is up to and for whatever reason looks the other way).- and to top it all off, he has told me he is in love with this new woman and is thinking of leaving his wife(lies, no doubt, but statements he knew would hurt me deeply- and apparently that power of being able to dominate/hurt me so brings him some sort of satisfaction).
Sad to say, I have cried every day since July 31. I am getting professional help which does help some. I have many supportive friends at work (the ones that watched him woo me and thought he really liked me). But I still feel ,if he called and asked me back , I would go back in a minute. I still cannot believe that he could have acted like he liked me so much for 18 months and it was all fake- all a dumb power game he plays over and over. And some days, I so want to warn this new woman that she is probably heading for a disaster. Since she was hard to win over, what did he tell her? He loves her? That he’s going to leave his wife?or that his wife is dying? I have even written a letter to the woman ( I know who she is) but I have not sent it.
This has gotten pretty long. But I hope my story can help others or keep even one person from falling into the seductive trap of a person with sociapathic characteristics.
keeping_faith:
I”ve got a few under my belt tonight, too. A friend took me out for a few “you’ve been laid off, now get drunk” drinks.
Into about the third mango margarita (superb) I realized that I’ve got to cut myself some slack. I’ve been running around networking and getting the job search up and running, while still grappling from all the nonsense that went on where I worked at for over a year, as well as all the hell I went through with the sociopath.
The last 2 days I haven’t even been able to get out of bed. When I did I was barely functioning. About the most productive thing I’ve done is go to the gym. I’ve been so damned hard on myself over everything. Just can’t do it.
So, if you don’t mind, shoot me Elizabeth’s can of Socio-Gone, or whatever it’s called. Think I can use it tonight.
Matt, good for you !! I LOVE mango margaritas. Feel free to use the can of socio gone (I like that name) just don’t sniff it…. you will get high. It’s better used on the bastards that haunt our dreams !!!
If you don’t feel like getting out of bed tomorrow Matt…..don’t. When you wake up and if you start to think of the rat bastard…..think of me. I’ll also be snuggled under the covers sleeping in. I’m working but from home and I can sleep later. We need that once in a while. ANd it’s OK