Like many of you, I am very grateful for a few friends who acted as sounding boards as I processed my experience with a sociopath. The best talks have been with my exercise partner who is also a former Federal agent. About 2 years ago on one of our walks we discussed what it must be like to be inside the skin of a sociopath. Both of us tried to imagine what their inner world is like.
On that walk we both connected with ourselves and each other in a way we hadn’t before. The connection happened as we reflected on what it must be like to live a life without love. I realized that my sense of myself as a continuous person over time is based on the people I love and the values I have a passion for. Everywhere I go I carry with me a sense of duty, love and connection to my children and other loved ones. My dearest ones are always inside me. The fulfilling of duty to them gives life purpose and direction.
According to Dr. Cleckley, the first psychiatrist to really study sociopaths, the disorder produces an incapacity for love that is “complete”. Furthermore Dr. Cleckley states in his book, The Mask of Sanity that even those who have an “incomplete manifestation” of the disorder completely lack the capacity for love.
Without love to give themselves a sense of feeling and purpose, sociopaths are prone to boredom. They have to keep filling their lives with excitement and also abuse substances to fill the gap.
Sociopaths live in the moment because they lack the loving human connections that give everyone else a sense of continuity of person and purpose.
Sociopaths also have no true self because instead of being based on loving connections, their sense of themselves is based on who they can dominate in the moment. If yesterday they had to assume a certain identity to get over on person A, today they may have to assume another identity to get over on person B. This assumption of identities is not a problem for them because the goal is not loving or meaningful connectedness. The goal is the pleasure of the get over. They will become what they must to accomplish that goal.
I’ve been struggling over whether or not to include a section on “identity” in my next book. I am trying not to get too psychologically technical. But it might be helpful for victims and family members to reflect on identity and understand why sociopaths lack a stable sense of self. I am interested in your thoughts about that.
Since some of you indicated you wanted me to tackle an explanation of “borderline personality”. I’ve been reading on the issue of identity. On page 213 of “Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism” psychoanalyst Dr. Otto Kernberg says the following:
The normal integrated self and its related integrated conceptions of others guarantee a sense of continuity throughout time and under varying circumstances. They also guarantee a sense of belonging to a network of human relations that makes life meaningful, and they guarantee the ordinary “self feeling” we take for granted”¦
He also says that absent loving connections:
”¦ pathological subjective experiences of a painful and disturbing nature develop. Among these experiences predominates a sense of emptiness and futility of life, chronic restlessness and boredom..In typical cases, it is as if this emptiness were their basic modality of subjective experience from which they attempt to escape by engagement in many activities or in frantic social interactions, by the ingestion of drugs or alcohol or by attempts to obtain instinctual gratifications through sex, aggression, food or compulsive activities”¦
I hope you will spend what is left of summer reflecting on your own loving connections. As you contemplate the meaning of these connections and their importance to your sense of who you are, consider your own “self-feeling”. Realize that you have yourself to give yourself in intimacy to another either friend, family or lover, while the sociopath you know has nothing to give anyone.
amay 61
I have spent the last 24 hours in a blur of plumbing problems- with roto rooter until 2 AM- but happily to be informed that the problem is on county property not our property.
I think because I spent the day somewhat sleep deprived I am in a different sort of mood today.
For all the pain, you and I have discovered something wonderful- that we have the capacity to love more than we previously thought possible. And how sad, I think,that while I was loving the S, he was not having those same feelings. In my last contact with him ( when I told him I would not be contacting him and please don’t contact me ) I told him that I believe he “does not know how love feels”. I said that he can see that a person “loves”, knew I loved him, but does not know how that feels. He admitted to me he does not love his wife either- and I believe he does not have the capacity to love anyone -except maybe himself.
In her book, The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout (which I highly recommend), Ms. Stout talks about how Ss are , ultimately, empty shells because they never will know love as we do.
Sadly, I do not believe I will ever fall in love with my husband again. But I certainly know love with my daughter who is the light of my life. And I do not know what future awaits me-someone told me “things do not stay the same”- I replied “no they get worse”. But I try very hard to believe that they can also get better.
I hope I get more sleep tonight- so I’m a little less fuzzy tomorrow.
Dear dear BIRD!!! Welcome back sweetie, how is my darling “baby Birdie!” I bet he is growing like a weed! Give him a big hug from Auntie oxy!!!!
Guys, I’ve been cleaning house all day and am tired but wanted to check in and scan across the posts. some really good points, guys! and also WELCOME THE NEW POSTERS! Glad you are here!!!
Tilly, sweetie, yes, I am doing fine! Sunday and mondary were hard days, anticipating on sunday what all this would entail, and then yesterday re-reading all those old letters with his plots and plans….I picked out about 15 that are SO PSYCHOPATHICLY MANIPULATIVE that they are almost stereotypes!
Actually, reading the letters wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I was WIPED out by stress Sunday night but by Monday it was more DETERMINATION and PLOTTING than anything else, and got through the reading and then called the Reverend. He requested that we meet next week since he just got back from vacation, but I think that also shows he doesn’t view this as all that “serious”—I also told him that son C would be writing him a letter and that he would welcome a short phone call but just wasn’t “up to” the full meeting, and then I also told the Reverend that a life-long friend of mine who is one of the leading men at my egg donor’s church congregation who knows the story (and the Rev as well) will be accompanying my son D and me in place of son C.
I think I will verbally present the highlighted portions of the letters, and then leave copies with him when I leave (annotated) so he can read them and maybe learn something, as well as a couple of articles from LF and also a copy of Without Consicence by Robert Hare, Ph.D.
Then after that it is see if the Rev will go with us to the confrontation and then see what the results are. At this point, I don’t have anything to “lose”—what? make my “mommie mad at me!?” LOL If I can stop her literally buying the gun for my son to have me killed, we are all safer. What I know and she doesn’t accept is that if they had managed to kill me, and/or my son C, SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN NEXT.
“Poor old lady, fell down and hit her head, what a sad way for her to go.”
I’m doing fine, Tilly, you don’t worry about this old broad! You and me will be “Waltzing matilda” and waitin for the billy to boil! I can’t wait to go riding and wear my new hat with the full phesant-tail on the back of the crown!!!! Absolutely awesome! I will wear that baby to the Love Fraud party and vaudeville review!!!! Will look great with my bumble bee tu-tu and my hip wader boots!
Oxy:
God I love your wisdom, your spirit, spunk and WONDERFUL sense of humor!!! God bless you forever!
Cutandrun:
I’m tempted to cut and paste your last post and sign my own name. I can’t believe how people who have never met can have lived the SAME experiences to such detail. I confess that daily, most of the day in fact, I secretly wish my S would contact me! I have deleted his contact info from my cell, so that I can’t possibly do it myself, but golly how my heart yearns for him to make one last attempt. (You know, maybe he wasn’t that bad, my misunderstanding – any myriad of excuses.) My brain, on the other hand, will probably win out when he does. I know that I have too much to lose, and I will opt in the end to live loveless than to mess up that bad. At least I hope I have the strength to do this – when the time comes. (Thanks only to the help and education from LF)
Our church teaching to be content, is very powerful and the accountability to put on that show is huge. Lived it for SO MANY years.
Are you in a place yet where you see/feel hope for your marriage? Can it be repaired? Is there willingness to try?
The question posed to me earlier, (which I haven’t worked on successfully) is – What are YOU going to do?
Blindsided:
Thank you for your thoughts on our capacity to love. It made me cry again. As my husband lay next to me this morning (5 minutes?) the thought that I indeed have so much to give, but that it is going to waste made me very sad indeed. Maybe it’s a function of our age, whether we look back or look forward, right now is not a comfortable place to be. I pray for all of us that God’s mercy will not only be sufficient for the day, but that He would see the desires of our hearts and pour out His blessings in a way that is beyond our own understanding. God bless you sister, hang in there, and believe The best is yet to come. (Even if you can’t see or imagine it yet.)
Justabouthealed:
I have not ignored your posts, on the contrary I have taken them very much to heart. I am in awe and admiration at how you have worked and brought your marriage around. I congratulate you, and wish you all the best.
I try to see myself doing the same, but at present cannot muster whatever it takes to even want to try.
Don’t stop posting, we all need to hear from you. Thank you!!!
Tilly I so relate to you with your Narsiopath daughter! I had to leave my first husband in 1981, after I was badly bashed by him. I tried to escape then, but I had no job at the time, and no money. When P was sober, he was a wonderful husband to me, but When D,{oldest daughter} ran away from home and left school, he was destroyed, he used to sit and cry.hed been sober nearly 10 years, I was so proud of him! he used to drink his herbal berr, {sarsaparilla} and no-one knew it wasnt real beer, so they didnt hassle him to have “just one drink, P!!, ” I really {maybe unfairly, and still do to this day} blame her for getting him back on the grog.My first attempt to leave him didnt work, I went back. Then. I suffered verbal abuse from him, AND my two darling daughters!{NOT!}
I finally left for good and set myself up in a tiny flat,in 1982.
I was racked with wall to wall guilt, leaving my daughters, then aged 16, and 18.Looking back, I dont think they missed me at all. They lived with their dad, they were never ever hurt by him, but I deeply suspect he bad mouthed me to them.When he was sober, he stood up for me, but if hed had adrink in him, he verbally abused me and called me a slut, W—re, the worst Mother in the world, etc.
The girls started to copy the disrespectful way he talked to me and treated me, and I had such low self esteem then, that I was powerless to do anything.I once called the cops, as D. was throwing encyclopedias at my head like they were confetti, and when the cops arrived, P. said,”Youve got it all wrong, officer.My wife assaults my daughter,not the other way round! She is mental, and on the game. “Say no more sir!, Well be on our way!” They believed him! Thats when I knew I had to get out before one of them accidentally killed me.D. now refuses to acknowledge any of this ever happened, and just udsed to call me a “Drama Queen”. She used to say”Dont you lay that trip on me!”, ie, her dad drinking again after 10 years sober. I said,”I lay it at your feet, which is where it belongs!”
Last night I spoke to K, Ds husband, still not divorced, but separated for 3 anda half years. The 3 kids are now living full time with him as D> is now jobless, homeless, cashless, still up to her eyes in debt, no car,she has thrown away a good man,loving Mum and friends,she places no value on anyone who has been kind to her. K doest know where she is living right now, except she is dossing down at a friends place. he said, “Honestly, M, I neither know nor care where she is, I have no interest in her life. Even the kids are “getting it”. K said, “She promise dto pick up F. and take him to footy, at9am. “F said,”I guess that means ten thirty, eh, Dad?!”so he is getting it too. F is a lovely sensitive kid, 11, now, he loves his Mum very much and is I think the most emotionally damaged by her.What will become of her? I know I CANT WEAKEN my NCand call her, K says,” M, she will be nice and sweet to you as usual till she touches you for money, and then you wont hear from her again for months” This is the pattern of how shes treated me, and how Ive ALLOWED her to use and abuse me for 30 years now. I know she doesnt love me, I still worry about her, every night.I should fel sorry for her, but she has done all this to herself! I should save my sympathy for me!love to all you great awesome guys. geminigirl{{{hugs}}} XXX
Hi everyone,
I have not been here in several months but it warms my heart to see so many of you again and glad you are doing well. I hope you will forgive me for not being around. I have not wanted to think about or talk about sociopaths, as part of my moving on with life. The 4th of July marked a year since my last encounter with the sociopath. I am happy to report that the day came and went without me having so much as a passing thought of him, seriously. It wasn’t until a day or two later that I realized what day the 4th was. I am also happy to report that he has been banned permanently from one of the reptile forums he hung out at. The owner of the site is a good friend of mine and banned him on my recommendation. So I can freely visit that site without worrying about running into him. He has not been on either site in many months. He’s probably in prison (I can only hope). But I really feel my connection to him has been broken, and he would not have the same power to hurt me if he suddenly appeared again.
I have not made any efforts to date, but a very sweet younger male friend has offered me a trip to San Francisco, and I am considering it. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open myself up to someone like I did before. But I will try to enjoy some male company without any pressure or expectations. Even without the complications of dating sociopaths, I find myself sufficiently confused by men in general.
I wish to thank everyone here who helped me so much in my time of need. I could not have recovered without you.
Star
I meant to add, d destroyed my art studio twice, painted over my paintings, my ex husband had a bonfire of all the clothes shoes and paintings that were left,in the back yard.I left with virtually the clothes I stood up in, but I GOT OUT and saved my own life!!TOWANDA! I met this psychic lady at a spiritualist church. I had been invited there by a friend. I knew no-one there, except my friend. This lady had asked all the congreagation to put a flower in a paper bag, and place it onthe altar. I didnt have a flower, so she askedme to give her a ring,{I had on an agate ring my Mum had given me.} After the service, when everyone esle had filed out, this lovely german lady{the medium}, came up to me, and said,
“Darlink! You simply must go! get out now! get your family together one more time, and try to talk to them about the way they are treating you. If this doesnt work,GET OUT! Take nothing, everything will come to you, God and the angels will take good care of you. Simply walk out of that door, and DONT LOOK BACK! ” It took me over 2 years, but I finally did it.Sure enough, everything came to me including my darling husband, D., whom I met after 6 months thru my landladys sister. We have now been happily married for 25 years, and recently celebratd our Silver wedding anniversary in South Africa! God is good, he DOES listen, and he DOES care, but sometimes we have to save our OWN lives! TOWANDA!!!
geminigirlXX
STargazer, good to hear from you and that you are doing fine. NC!!! Wonderful! And I think you are wise to go slow.
AMAY61, I didn’t think you were ignoring my posts. And I know rebuilding is NOT easy. Not easy at all. Thank you for your kind words.
Love to all!
Amay,
I am finding that he’s lived under several names and yes – I believe he lived in CA at one point. I can’t elaborate, because I am not sure who’s reading…
Akitameg,
I remember my S “seemed” to have a very loyal connection to his young daughter. And yet he kept his snakes in her bedroom with no locks on the cages. I tend to think that if someone is horribly abusive to even one person, then he/she is not a loving person, no matter how they appear. I remember reading the autobiography of David Peltzer. He was the 2nd or 3rd worst case of child abuse in California history. His mother starved him, stabbed him, forced him to drink bleach, and did everything she could think of to torture him. And yet she was a good mother to the rest of her children. To me, her nurturing behaviors toward David’s brothers do not make her a good person.