Like many of you, I am very grateful for a few friends who acted as sounding boards as I processed my experience with a sociopath. The best talks have been with my exercise partner who is also a former Federal agent. About 2 years ago on one of our walks we discussed what it must be like to be inside the skin of a sociopath. Both of us tried to imagine what their inner world is like.
On that walk we both connected with ourselves and each other in a way we hadn’t before. The connection happened as we reflected on what it must be like to live a life without love. I realized that my sense of myself as a continuous person over time is based on the people I love and the values I have a passion for. Everywhere I go I carry with me a sense of duty, love and connection to my children and other loved ones. My dearest ones are always inside me. The fulfilling of duty to them gives life purpose and direction.
According to Dr. Cleckley, the first psychiatrist to really study sociopaths, the disorder produces an incapacity for love that is “complete”. Furthermore Dr. Cleckley states in his book, The Mask of Sanity that even those who have an “incomplete manifestation” of the disorder completely lack the capacity for love.
Without love to give themselves a sense of feeling and purpose, sociopaths are prone to boredom. They have to keep filling their lives with excitement and also abuse substances to fill the gap.
Sociopaths live in the moment because they lack the loving human connections that give everyone else a sense of continuity of person and purpose.
Sociopaths also have no true self because instead of being based on loving connections, their sense of themselves is based on who they can dominate in the moment. If yesterday they had to assume a certain identity to get over on person A, today they may have to assume another identity to get over on person B. This assumption of identities is not a problem for them because the goal is not loving or meaningful connectedness. The goal is the pleasure of the get over. They will become what they must to accomplish that goal.
I’ve been struggling over whether or not to include a section on “identity” in my next book. I am trying not to get too psychologically technical. But it might be helpful for victims and family members to reflect on identity and understand why sociopaths lack a stable sense of self. I am interested in your thoughts about that.
Since some of you indicated you wanted me to tackle an explanation of “borderline personality”. I’ve been reading on the issue of identity. On page 213 of “Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism” psychoanalyst Dr. Otto Kernberg says the following:
The normal integrated self and its related integrated conceptions of others guarantee a sense of continuity throughout time and under varying circumstances. They also guarantee a sense of belonging to a network of human relations that makes life meaningful, and they guarantee the ordinary “self feeling” we take for granted”¦
He also says that absent loving connections:
”¦ pathological subjective experiences of a painful and disturbing nature develop. Among these experiences predominates a sense of emptiness and futility of life, chronic restlessness and boredom..In typical cases, it is as if this emptiness were their basic modality of subjective experience from which they attempt to escape by engagement in many activities or in frantic social interactions, by the ingestion of drugs or alcohol or by attempts to obtain instinctual gratifications through sex, aggression, food or compulsive activities”¦
I hope you will spend what is left of summer reflecting on your own loving connections. As you contemplate the meaning of these connections and their importance to your sense of who you are, consider your own “self-feeling”. Realize that you have yourself to give yourself in intimacy to another either friend, family or lover, while the sociopath you know has nothing to give anyone.
Oxy:
Thankyou so much! (For not shaming me about my feelings of revenge, which is why i havn’t worked through them as much as I’d like to). I really think I need outside help with this but I don’t have the money.
From what I have seen all my life, God must get his revenge on them after they die because it sure doesn’t happen here.
And I am sure my revenge is from having been legally abused in the extreme. So that it is impossible to believe in or trust in “justice coming out in the end” . It just doesn’t.
The only lawyer I know who has a heart is Matt and he is unemployed.
If I wasn’t still suffering on a daily basis from the events of the last two relationships I might have a chance at forgetting about it.
The last two relationships and the murderous ex are all sitting pretty on every level. They have has been this way for the last 30 years.
JAH:
Thankyou, I read the link and it was good.
I know on an intellectual level they are all true. My heart wont buy it yet, but I’m working on it.
runningaway:
I know intellectuall there can be no revenge. But at least i am honest. I want to get him when he is in a blackout and pummel him so he is in physical pain. I know that is the only pain that he will ever experience. Period.
Tilly, darling, I might boink you for being hard on yourself, but “shame you?” NEVER!!!!! the shame is THEIRS not ours!
The SHAME should be your mother and your father, not the child you were for surviving the only way you could!
Believe me, though, Tilly, they may not be “sitting pretty” as much as you think they are—they may have money, ,they may have position, etc. and other “OUTWARD” signs of “success” and happiness, but you can pick up the tabloids any day—look at Michael Jackson, the man was PATHETIC and UNHAPPY, and MISERABLE in spite of money, fame and talent. My gosh, tilly, would you have traded places with him for all the money and fame? NOT ME!!!!!
Look at OJ, he sure got his—maybe not right away, but in GOD’s TIME. We must remember that God’s time is not our TIME. I wanted so bad to “win” in court when I tried to get my egg donor “decared incompetent”—and I LOST, but you know, if I had “won” MY SON C WOULD STILL BE WITH THAT MURDERING WITCH HE WAS MARRIED TO—-or she would have actually killed him. I realized FINALLY (MY head is harder than Mary Jo’s!) that things happen when they happen for a purpose, when things look like a “loss” it may be the thing that turns the tide in our favor ultimately. If this or that “bad” thing had not happened, the VICTORY later wouldn’t have happened.
I can look back through my life at various loses I suffered and thoght at the time it was “terrible” but later, it turned out to be the start of a GOOD thing. There are lessons we should learn and if we don’t learn them we get to repeat the class, but LEARNING IS A GOOD THING, and learning how to live a better life (even as late as I am doing it) is a GOOD THING.
Just work on little “baby steps” Tilly, two forward and one back, and eventually you will get there. Hon, it took me a LONG time to even get to the level I am right now, so don’t rush things…in God’s time….just keep working on it!!!! (((hugs)))
Reading your wonderful post Oxy, reminded me of the story in the Bible about Lazarus,{not the one Jesus raised from the dead, but another one.}Anyway, Lazarus, a poor beggar, died, and because hed been a good and righteous man, he went straight to heaven. Thee he was “in Abrahams bosom,” ie, being hugged by a few good guys who had gone before.Meanwhile, a rich but mean, miserly, wicked man, died, and went straight to hell. In misery, and parched with thirst from the flames,he looked up, and beheld, lazarus in Abrahams bosom.” Lazarus, he begged,for pitys sake, please send me some cold water to slake my thirst!”Please God, relent, and let me into heaven!” God told Lazarus that unfortunately, the rich man had had many chances to reform, but CHOSE to disregard gods warnings. Therefore, he was doomed to hell for eternity-a very long time, with no parole for good behaviour! Even if Lazarus, [whod once been a poor beggar, begging ar the rich mans gates,and the rich man had denied him anything}, even if Laz had wanted to help the former rich man, god wouldnt ALLOW him to because hed had choices and chances, and BLEW THEM ALL. See how the tables were turned? The rich man, now in hell for ever, and the beggar, in Abrahams bosom, eating and drinking with Jesus !! As the spanish say,”It is a terrible thing to fall into the hands of the Living God!
People think God is only sweet and loving,like the plaster statues of him in churches. They forget,that God is also a God of wrath and righteous anger and vengeance!! he is a jealous god! This doesnt mean jealous as we know th word, but it means he is fiercely protective and loving to HIS KIDS, ie, you and I who mess up, but love Him.He Knows we mess up, and will go on messing up, but, hey, He loves us anyway!!!
We can safely leave our former loved ones who have done us ill, to the divine justice of God.”The mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceeding fine!” {Gives you the shivers just saying that!!}Love and peace, dearest Oxy, Tilly, and all of you AMAZING guys on LF> {{{HUGS}} gemXXXgod Loves you, and so do I !TOWANDA!!! We are more than Conquerers thru Him who loves us, and died for us!!!
I am encouraged by what you all are sharing, and if I am permitted, would like to share from Psalm 37, which has been a great encouragement to me the past weeks. It’s long, so only key verses here:
Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him
and He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noon day.
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him. Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way. Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath, do not fret – it only causes harm.
For evildoers shall be cut off.
But those that wait on the Lord, they shall inherit the earth. For yet a little while, and the wicked shall be no more. Indeed, you will look carefully for his place, but it shall be no more. But the meek shall inherit the earth, and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace.
The wicked watches the righteous, and seeks to slay him.
The Lord will not leave him in his hand, nor condemn him (the righteous) when he is judged.
Wait on the Lord, and keep His way, and He shall exalt you to inherit the land. When the wicked are cut off, you shall see it. I have seen the wicked in great power, spreading himself like a native green tree. Yet he passed away, and behold, he was no more.
Mark the blameless man, and observe the upright, for the future of that man is peace.
Me again – 40 appropriate verses, hard to choose which ones, but hope they help as they have helped me.
Dear Cut and run,
THANK YOU for that inspiring passage.
Geminigirl, I also noted about that story that the “rich man” did NOT DO anything particularly “mean” to the begger, but he had NO COMPASSION ON HIM as he walked by him every day to enter his own home. He just did not feed him with anything but the garbage he threw out of his own house.
Having compassion for others less fortunate than ourselves, I think is a key component in what makes life “worthwhile” and “good.”
Of course when the rich man was in torment, he begged Abraham to send the begger with just one drop of water to cool his tongue. I don’t think the rich man was a psychopath though, because he later asked Abraham to send the begger back to his brothers so they would not end up where he was, which Abraham told him wouldn’t do any good because just became someone even rose from the dead to tell them, they had ignored the TEACHINGS of Moses and other prophets who had told them how to have COMPASSION.
Having kind and compassionate hearts and wanting to help others who are less fortunate than we are is a GOOD thing. I would rather be the begger than the rich man in this case….or any case. I would rather be the one who gives too much than a psychopath without compassion.
What we are learning now though, here on Love Fraud, is to WISELY USE OUR COMPASSION and not to give to those who would USE it against us.
Every major religion in the world today advises compassion to those less fortunate than we—so there must be something rewarding spiritually in that concept or it would not be there in all cultures.
Of course, not everyone in the world is compassionate to others, sometimes like the rich man in that story, they “just don’t notice” someone suffering right in front of their eyes when they have plenty to share. Then there are the ones who would notice and kick the man as they walked by. I think the lesson for us is that we should have compassion on those less fortunate than ourselves, but folks who sit and “beg” because they are too lazy to work, we can offer them a JOB. If they refuse the job, then they are on their own. We should reserve our compassion for those that are truly needy. And as someone here said “compassion is not complete if it doesn’t INCLUDE YOURSELF.”
Cutandrun,
thanks for reminding me about the Bible! It just sits there next to my bed collecting dust but I got it out and started reading at the passage you posted. The part about not being angry hit home. Maybe if I keep reading some of the fury will start to subside. Thanks again.
Oxy:
“I realized FINALLY (MY head is harder than Mary Jo’s!) that things happen when they happen for a purpose.”
This is true, so many times I have been in a situation where I have had to witness someone else in a position that i was. And I know that if I hadn’t been there to serve them (Through God) that they wouldn’t have survived it. This is particularly true with the legal abuse, false imprisonment when you are innocent, being locked up in the nuthouse anddomestic violence or witnessing “hidden” child abuse. I have ended up in situations where I have only known what to do because i have been through it and it has often saved a life.
I know that is a big thing – but that is the ONLY thing that i have ever “got out of” these dreadful horrific situations. To serve another (through God putting me there).
I know then that that is why I had to go through it. Because without being in their shoes literally you cannot help them, you cannot have the right words and actions. That is why so may psychologists today fail. Because it is all academic. That is why love fraud works so brilliantly…because almost everyone here has “BEEN THROUGH IT” and has had to “RUN THE GAUNTLET” and they are all trying to survive it (sometimes quickly sometimes slowly).
I am having a very “slowly” day today. I did a terrible thing.
I have been no contact with my parents and enjoying it. Then “out of the Blue” today i sent them a short email that finished with ” I hope you rot in hell”.
work that out! (I can’t)
Try not to punish yourself,dear tilly. You have probably squelched down so much toxic rage and anger for so long, and now its coming out.! A bit like a pressure cooker,it can explode if pushed down and down for so long.Anyway, it makes no diffirence to Sociopaths, they never feel guilty anyway, so they think you are crazier than ever!Who cares what they think? Do you want toxic people in your life?Its NOT a terriblething to go NC with your abusive parents.God is finally showing you how to protect and take care of YOU!”Honour thy father and Mother” only works if they are nice, normal, loving parents. If not,they dont deserve to be honoured.You are feezing back into that scared little girl. Stand up to them! You are NOT that scared litle girl any more,
you are gods child, He is your heavenly Daddy, and he supports you and lovesYou!The child in you thinks you will be “punished” for standing up to them, but ride this out, knowledge is Power!!Towanda!!love always, gem{{Hugs!!}}}
Hey GorgeousGem!
Thankyou so much!! You are right, they will now feel smug and justified and be saying “tilly has gone mad again”. And you are right, it is the little pollyanna in me wanting to have the last say now that I have gone no contact. Like the last poking out of the tongue, before they die. Part of me was thrilled to do it and the other part said ” now you will feel guilty when they die”. But that was it.
You are very brave to put your email adress on the internet! It shows great faith and how far you have come! I long for that day. I have taken your address. But I have to wait for awhile before i make contact as i am still waiting to see when i have to go into the witness protection scheme. It is taking a million times longer than they told me so i will probably back out.
Gem:
That is big progress for me to even talk about that. But I figure if you can put your email out there then i can talk about the wps. (((((((GEM))))))) xo