Like many of you, I am very grateful for a few friends who acted as sounding boards as I processed my experience with a sociopath. The best talks have been with my exercise partner who is also a former Federal agent. About 2 years ago on one of our walks we discussed what it must be like to be inside the skin of a sociopath. Both of us tried to imagine what their inner world is like.
On that walk we both connected with ourselves and each other in a way we hadn’t before. The connection happened as we reflected on what it must be like to live a life without love. I realized that my sense of myself as a continuous person over time is based on the people I love and the values I have a passion for. Everywhere I go I carry with me a sense of duty, love and connection to my children and other loved ones. My dearest ones are always inside me. The fulfilling of duty to them gives life purpose and direction.
According to Dr. Cleckley, the first psychiatrist to really study sociopaths, the disorder produces an incapacity for love that is “complete”. Furthermore Dr. Cleckley states in his book, The Mask of Sanity that even those who have an “incomplete manifestation” of the disorder completely lack the capacity for love.
Without love to give themselves a sense of feeling and purpose, sociopaths are prone to boredom. They have to keep filling their lives with excitement and also abuse substances to fill the gap.
Sociopaths live in the moment because they lack the loving human connections that give everyone else a sense of continuity of person and purpose.
Sociopaths also have no true self because instead of being based on loving connections, their sense of themselves is based on who they can dominate in the moment. If yesterday they had to assume a certain identity to get over on person A, today they may have to assume another identity to get over on person B. This assumption of identities is not a problem for them because the goal is not loving or meaningful connectedness. The goal is the pleasure of the get over. They will become what they must to accomplish that goal.
I’ve been struggling over whether or not to include a section on “identity” in my next book. I am trying not to get too psychologically technical. But it might be helpful for victims and family members to reflect on identity and understand why sociopaths lack a stable sense of self. I am interested in your thoughts about that.
Since some of you indicated you wanted me to tackle an explanation of “borderline personality”. I’ve been reading on the issue of identity. On page 213 of “Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism” psychoanalyst Dr. Otto Kernberg says the following:
The normal integrated self and its related integrated conceptions of others guarantee a sense of continuity throughout time and under varying circumstances. They also guarantee a sense of belonging to a network of human relations that makes life meaningful, and they guarantee the ordinary “self feeling” we take for granted”¦
He also says that absent loving connections:
”¦ pathological subjective experiences of a painful and disturbing nature develop. Among these experiences predominates a sense of emptiness and futility of life, chronic restlessness and boredom..In typical cases, it is as if this emptiness were their basic modality of subjective experience from which they attempt to escape by engagement in many activities or in frantic social interactions, by the ingestion of drugs or alcohol or by attempts to obtain instinctual gratifications through sex, aggression, food or compulsive activities”¦
I hope you will spend what is left of summer reflecting on your own loving connections. As you contemplate the meaning of these connections and their importance to your sense of who you are, consider your own “self-feeling”. Realize that you have yourself to give yourself in intimacy to another either friend, family or lover, while the sociopath you know has nothing to give anyone.
I found Sam’s writings to be very interesting. It was my first look into Narcissism.
Then I read the writings about him being a Narcissist and looked at his writings from a different perspective……
I think if we sort out his motives for writing and understand his ‘mindset’, it’s interesting to walk his journey as he writes it.
I definately could see my ex NS in his writings and it opened my eyes and catapulted me to the sociopath investigations, along with a therapist.
He has an immense amount of info on the web, and it’s impossible to miss him……of course, this serves him well…..an obvious motive……
But I did learn a lot from reading his info and perspectives.
Interesting.
It was my beginning of my ‘opening my eyes’!
I have since graduated…..
🙂
XXOO
Dearest blindsided,
No, I did not learn of the infidelities until after I left. I did file for divorce (from 1800 miles away) after he admitted them (7 of them) but the main reason for divorce was CONTROL and because he tried to kill me! Even sold our house so I COULDN’T come back to be near our adult children and many grandchildren!
And no, any knowledge of infidelities wouldn’t have bothered me (much) anyway because there were too many other covert signs and patterns that I KNEW something was very wrong with him! In fact, I feel sure he finally admitted to the infidelities to try to hurt me! (I laughed) He sure didn’t admit them to clear his conscience. He didn’t have one! After 46.5 years with him I KNEW that!
As for not leaving him, I tried several times and COULDN’T. I was securely TRAPPED — he had made sure of that! There was one time I almost made it — but that attempt failed, too. It was a true MIRACLE that I made it out 7 years ago!! Praise the Lord for His Hand in it!
My advice to you is to focus on your own healing and accept that you were duped by an expert conman. HIS problem, not yours! Above all, forgive yourself!
I certainly have forgiven all my Ex’s victims. I did find out (because she told me) that one of his victims early on was our gorgeous and darling babysitter. (I suspected nothing == probably because I was dealing with the periodic batterings.)
We both laughed (she has now been happily married for years) when she said his “catch” was how *I* didn’t understand him! She knew me and doubted him but he was SO SMOOTH TALKING and attentive. Just like he had been with me in the beginning! I was his only wife — we married at 19 (me) and 20 (him) so I didn’t even have any Ex’s to consult!
Now, I heard that his live-in girlfriend has told someone that she thinks he is still in love with me. What a hoot! He doesn’t know how to love ANYONE but himself (and I do believe he does love himself inordinately.) The poor girl!! She still has that aspect of his “empty” personality to find out but at least, her statement makes me believe that she is getting the idea!
This is getting too long — but I hope my post lays some of your questions about the “wife” of your conman to rest,. As most of us victims (wife or gf/bf) are alike, I am beginning to believe that all deceived wifes or gf/bfs share the same emotional “gut level” confusions without anyone “warning” us.
All the bad guys share the same qualities — no conscience, no guilt, no shame. They won’t change!
Congratulations to all of us who have gotten “out” and make good use of the rest of our lives!!
Erin, your history with Sam Vaknin (and beyond) is identical to mine.
There was some value in it to opening my eyes to narcissim and leading me to investigate further, as you did.
Knowledge of any kind is power!
Blindsided31
I am encouraged that you really do know exactly what my situation is, though it saddens me that it has happened to either of us. My heart aches so bad! My marriage has been dead for so long, we have been reduced to sharing a mortgage and carpooling our children around. We not only don’t sleep together, we don’t even sleep on the same floor of the house! Most days/nights we don’t even address each other hello or goodbye. We are both devoted to the children, but they will catch on to the coldness.
It was actually after the lovely days with “Mr. Wonderful P” that a conversation about our empty marriage came up. I told him that I wanted out, that I wanted to be loved and to love again. He said that he has known for 10+ years now, that I have wanted him to dissappear.
But that he won’t go anywhere out of duty to the children.
He lives a comfortable life with me. I have had a small inheritance which has kept us off the streets. My salary has sustained him for years while he prances around town building his ego. (I guess if I take a good honest look at it all, I must have married an N or something similar).
I am in no way in love with him now, and don’t believe that I ever could be again. “Mr. Wonderful P” knew exactly what my vulnerabilities were and moved right in. I’m embarrassed to say, however, how much I adore him and think of him ALL the time. I wish things were different. I feel so trapped.
amay61:
You sound as if you are looking for an ‘out’…..questioning your marriage and finding the answers you already knew.
Unfortunately, you are finding ‘It is what it is’.
It is wonderful that you are seeking education and raising your awareness of the situation. Now….the question is……what are YOU going to do about it.
Please do not feel trapped! There is ALWAYS a viable way out of any situation.
It may not be ‘easy’, but it is always do-able.
Life does get better……I was also in a loveless long term marriage…..roommate situation also.
Trust me, the way your living is not healthy for you, your H, or your children. The kids see it, sense it and live it. They may not say anything, acknowledge anything…….but they see it.
You don’t want to set this example of a relationship for them.
You need to do something to change all of your lives.
I wavered for years, thinking I could make it better, do something different etc…..I finally came to the realization….there was NOTHING I could do…….it just wasn’t to be.
You know it’s dangerous for you, on many levels to have a S on the side…..you need to find a way to process this pain and use this experience to educate yourself (as you are doing).
Thank God you didn’t invest any further in this S…..keep your eyes open and never turn your back…..you know the damage they can cause. They are captivating, romantic, high energy lovers…..this is the catch……then the ‘other side’ appears…..this guy didn’t wait very long…..WOW! That was a gift for you!
Stay away!!!! NC……PERIOD!
Yes, it will be hard…..find another outlet for your pain and vulnerablilites…..BUT STAY NC…..it’s like a diet….the first week is the hardest….then it gets easier. Oh, don’t think he will not try to get in touch….he will…….STAY NC!!!!! PERIOD!!!! YOU DO NOT OWE HIM ANYTHING!!!! PERIOD!!!!
Plan an exit from your marriage, put your energies into that. Do it all silently, and you will grow along the way.
You found you will not be able to ‘replace’ one relationship with another……if your not in a ‘healthy’ mindset to offer yourself…….you will not find another healthy relationship. Deal with one before entering another…..give yourself time. It’s okay.
You will be okay!
You will never be able to run from your problems, as you have discovered this……running only creates bigger issues.
NOW….use this time for progress and growth.
Seek answers and you will find.
It’s YOUR TIME NOW!!!
I wish you strength and patience!!!
XXOO
Libelle,
Interesting so many have brought up Mr. Vaknin. I read lots of his work, early on. Some of what I read was useful and eye-opening. But like you his idea of the inverted narcissist was very disturbing to me. It created a sense of shame, embarrassment, and confusion. Sound familiar? He is a self-proclaimed narcissist.
YOU know if you are empathetic, and can create and sustain meaningful and reciprocal relationships. The bummer is I read his work when I was in the shock stage, and some of his ideas had me feeling as unchangeable and disordered as the perpetrators. This really wasn’t helpful. At all.
Henry,
I love what you understand about yourself: “When I get to feeling like a true person, I volunteer to let another abuser knock me down.” I have done that many times!! Thank-you for sharing it. So simple, but SO true. For me it’s like I get strong and then I go in to do ‘more battle’. I think I must keep trying to ‘right’ the ‘wrongs’ of my childhood. But it is so misdirected, and I only end up further injured, self-hating, and feeling disconnected.
Let’s do it differently this time, huh? Let’s keep making choices that are self-loving and life affirming. All those wrongheaded messages we got about being worthless don’t belong to us. They belong to those who would have had us believe them.
Thank-you again for sharing that insight. As I begin to feel better and better I will remember, and know that this is when I become vulnerable to jumping back in the ring.
Love to you all….
ErinBrockovich
Thank you so much! I will read your post over and over, just for strength.
The urge to turn back to S is very strong, but I know what a mistake it would be. Thank God for LF and all of you. I am going to process all of this and get back with whatever come next.
God bless you!!!
amay61: As my therapist said to me at one point, you already DO know how to live on your own without a man loving you….you’ve been doing it.
You are stronger than you know. I think Erin gives good advice.
You have your kids, that is wonderful! Better for them to be from a broken home than IN a broken home.
You are not trapped, but Mr. Wonderful is not. ANY man who hits on a married woman is NOT Mr. Wonderful. End of story!
Be strong. Stay in your integrity. Get clear on who you are and what you stand for. And what you won’t stand for. You deserve the best in life, you really do. You are a person with a lot of love to give. Give it to yourself and your kids, that’s a start. Find what is right and hang on to that, start weeding out the rest. It is hard, but it is worth it. Very hard, of course.
Stay strong! Make a list of everything Mr. Wonderful did that showed he was Mr. Horrible. Read it daily. Don’t go from the frying pan into the fire.
Dear Ama61,
I am glad that my words have helped you, I know that LF has been a wonderful support for me. sometimes I ask myself why I can give “such good advice” to others and at times not take it myself! I think we all can “see” others’ situations without the emotional strings we have on our own problems.
I walk the same walk toward Healing that you and everyone here does…each day I try to do the things that I think are for the best. sometimes my decisions and choices “work” and some times they don’t. Sometimes my head says one thing and my heart another.
I’ve been in great conflict today because of the choice that I made about confronting my egg donor and trying to stop her buying ammunition (literally) for my P son to harm me and my other two sons. I DO NOT want to do this, I am so TIRED of all this chaos and stress and I want to stay NC totally, but at the same time, I know that if I don’t take this opportunity and my P-son harms one or both of my other sons, I could NOT live with myself. I am no longer afraid for me, the worst that he can do is to kill me and I am no longer afraid. Cautious, yes, but I no longer live in fear of him or of death. I don’t want to die, but I no longer fear it. I do feel obligated though to protect myself and my other two sons to the extent that I ihave the opportunity. I can’t back down.
Each day all of us have decisions and choices, and we do the best we can with what we have to work with. Life does get better. I was in FEAR and TERROR and I am no longer living that way. But now I live in determination and somewhere I will find the strength to live one more day and do what I think is the right choice. That is all any of us can do. Having the wise and caring people here on LF that support us in our efforts and comfort us in our failures, that is what life is all about. Caring and supporting good and good people. God bless you.
amay 61
The similarities between us are amazing except that I was led on for a full 18 months- if you think about the S all the time after only a short period, you may be able to imagine how wrapped up in the S I was after 18 months- and during the 18 months, he was always wonderful to me- when he dumped me it was a total shock. For me, the relationship was going to be long term. Of course, unbenounced to me, the S got bored (as sociopaths inevitably do) and moved right on to his next “victim” knowing he was hurting me but not really caring (actually, I think he got a charge out of how much I cared and how much he hurt me-it made him feel powerful- probably why he has contacted me at choice moments over the past year)
My home situation is a little different. My only child is about to start her senior year in college, so most of the time it is my husband and I at home. He is quite a bit older than me, retired and has multlple medical and emotional issues- I doubt he could take care of himself – pretty much what keeps me here- how can I abandon him? he could not support himself financially either.
I understand feeling trapped- I do too. I am still working on dealing with that issue.
Fortunately, I have a stable full time job that keeps me busy.
And I am slowly working on other issues. My therapist and the kind people who write on this blog help keep me sane.
Keep reading and writing- and remember NC- it gets easier. Justabouthealed’s advice to make a list of negative things about the S is also a good one- I have such a list that I refer to often. Also I have found the book “The Sociopath Next Door” very helpful.