Like many of you, I am very grateful for a few friends who acted as sounding boards as I processed my experience with a sociopath. The best talks have been with my exercise partner who is also a former Federal agent. About 2 years ago on one of our walks we discussed what it must be like to be inside the skin of a sociopath. Both of us tried to imagine what their inner world is like.
On that walk we both connected with ourselves and each other in a way we hadn’t before. The connection happened as we reflected on what it must be like to live a life without love. I realized that my sense of myself as a continuous person over time is based on the people I love and the values I have a passion for. Everywhere I go I carry with me a sense of duty, love and connection to my children and other loved ones. My dearest ones are always inside me. The fulfilling of duty to them gives life purpose and direction.
According to Dr. Cleckley, the first psychiatrist to really study sociopaths, the disorder produces an incapacity for love that is “complete”. Furthermore Dr. Cleckley states in his book, The Mask of Sanity that even those who have an “incomplete manifestation” of the disorder completely lack the capacity for love.
Without love to give themselves a sense of feeling and purpose, sociopaths are prone to boredom. They have to keep filling their lives with excitement and also abuse substances to fill the gap.
Sociopaths live in the moment because they lack the loving human connections that give everyone else a sense of continuity of person and purpose.
Sociopaths also have no true self because instead of being based on loving connections, their sense of themselves is based on who they can dominate in the moment. If yesterday they had to assume a certain identity to get over on person A, today they may have to assume another identity to get over on person B. This assumption of identities is not a problem for them because the goal is not loving or meaningful connectedness. The goal is the pleasure of the get over. They will become what they must to accomplish that goal.
I’ve been struggling over whether or not to include a section on “identity” in my next book. I am trying not to get too psychologically technical. But it might be helpful for victims and family members to reflect on identity and understand why sociopaths lack a stable sense of self. I am interested in your thoughts about that.
Since some of you indicated you wanted me to tackle an explanation of “borderline personality”. I’ve been reading on the issue of identity. On page 213 of “Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism” psychoanalyst Dr. Otto Kernberg says the following:
The normal integrated self and its related integrated conceptions of others guarantee a sense of continuity throughout time and under varying circumstances. They also guarantee a sense of belonging to a network of human relations that makes life meaningful, and they guarantee the ordinary “self feeling” we take for granted”¦
He also says that absent loving connections:
”¦ pathological subjective experiences of a painful and disturbing nature develop. Among these experiences predominates a sense of emptiness and futility of life, chronic restlessness and boredom..In typical cases, it is as if this emptiness were their basic modality of subjective experience from which they attempt to escape by engagement in many activities or in frantic social interactions, by the ingestion of drugs or alcohol or by attempts to obtain instinctual gratifications through sex, aggression, food or compulsive activities”¦
I hope you will spend what is left of summer reflecting on your own loving connections. As you contemplate the meaning of these connections and their importance to your sense of who you are, consider your own “self-feeling”. Realize that you have yourself to give yourself in intimacy to another either friend, family or lover, while the sociopath you know has nothing to give anyone.
Oxy:
I feel very protective to your two sons Oxy! I guess its transference and projection onto them by me of my youngest son. I feel that id anything should happen to them the whole of LF would be over there in a flash to save them.
But, like you, I gave up being afraid of death many many years ago. (Of pain yes, of death no). I’m sure it is because we are so sick of fighting this whole matter of P’s , for ourselves. It is exhausting.
At the same time it drives us forward wanting those we love and care about to be protected in any way possible. It matters more than anything.
After reading Sam Vaknin I believed that I MUST be an inverted narcissist. So recognising this, when I realised my ex sociopath partner was one, I “settled for him ” thinking that was all i deserved….the worst thing for a victim of a sociopath to think. After all, hadn’t everyone (except my kids and my dogs) that I had ever loved, turned out to be a psychopath? So of course, it MUST BE ME. Good one Sam! (NOT!)
Now I know that all but one, of my kids, is a cluster B.
Tills:
This is ‘why’ we must define ourselves….we must know and be honeset with ourselves…..and not take anyone elses definition of ‘us’ as the gospel.
If we question ourselves, this is healthy…..our behaviors, thoughts etc….
Sam also say’s this is ‘proof’ we are not the problem…..
We’ve all, blamed ourselves and beaten ourselves up……BUT WE MUST STOP! Accept the human part of us and allow the growth to occur.
One thing that stood out for me what the S always saying….”Im never going to change,you better get used to it.”
He never said he was ‘happy’ the way he was,,,,,he just said he would never change.
THAT was the time I should have trusted in his words!!!! YIKES!
We need to get to know US…….so we never question anyones interpretation of US again!!!!
XXOO
Dearest Blindsided,
I’m so sorry if I sounded insensitive to your 18 months vs. my whirlwind. Of course being completely taken in and in love for that period of time and then finding out the truth is devastating! Please don’t think that I belittle that at all.
I had actually met my S about 6 months ago, thought then that we had “clicked” and maintained a very casual, sporadic email contact until we got together for those very intensive days. In the 2 days that we spent together, he extracted (completely without me realizing) every detail of information – except social security #, that he needed to completely devastate me financially. He did this while declaring his undying commitment to me, that we were “meant to be” – that God had put this together – that He was my safety net – and even quoted Roman 8:28 All things work together for good for those who love the Lord!!!
When I finally came to – after the sudden and mean spirited demand for money – I was so wrought emotionally that my doctor actually ordered a cat scan to make sure I was okay!
By the way, the demand came via text message – so that I didn’t have the personal visual to attach the emotions to – making it surreal and me incapable of blaming or hating him. I still adored him, while my head was reeling from the demands.
Wow this is such a great and timely discussion for me this morning. Appreciative of everyone’s comments but can particularly relate to amay61 and blindsided.
I was also in a brief but intense emotional (was getting physical but thank the Lord it didn’t get “that” far) relationship w/ a P, about 15 weeks, despite having an outwardly happy but inwardly one-sided and passionless 23 yr. marriage.
My husband is now working double and triple time to make up for all the emptiness in our marriage, and I’m super thankful for this.
My problem now is I have been NC w/ P since May 12, which to me seems to be a good chunk of time, but I am still struggling with the temptation to contact him. And I am really bothered by this since now I have a great relationship with my husband, he has been so supportive and helpful. So I am wondering what is wrong with myself, am I really that damaged that I would still want the P vs. my husband?
And I caught on to the P’s manipulative behavior before I even learned what a “P” was, and cut off the relationship myself just on the moral grounds. And the fact that I was having physical anxiety issues over the guilt and could not continue and keep the secrets and sneaking around.
But because of the intensity of the relationshit (yeah I like that one too!), when I cut him off it just left such a huge vacuum of emptiness and boredom. And this little demon in the back of my mind will say I didn’t give him enough of a chance. And I look at my life now and it still looks the same as it was before P, and maybe coming close to “normal” again, and all these deep seated fears come to the surface, from abuse suffered as a child and my social difficulties and awkwardness make me feel like just running away, run Forrest run!! And because he mirrored “me” to me so well, he seems like the better choice….
And then I have to repeat over and over to myself all the very blatant signs that he gave me that he was a P……
“you are beautiful”
“you are perfect”
“I need you “here” (on IM) A LOT”
“you fill in all the spaces in me”
“you are the answer to my prayers (playing the “religious” card)”
“do you know how it feels to live with this emptiness”
“sometimes I will use a customer’s own stupidity to mock them when they complain”
“You “get” me”
“I want to drink you in small sips for the next 25 years”
“I’m not sorry (at our first in=person meeting, regarding his wife)”
“you make me happy”
“I will always be right here”
“you can’t hurt me and I can’t hurt you”
“we are 50/50 at fault here”
“it was difficult for me to love you, but I do”
and I’m sure I could go on. It was emotional rape. But I get upset with myself because I think it should all be “behind” me by now and it should just be so obvious I shouldn’t give it any more of my thought life. Why am I so afraid of doing without that creep? Any my husband has been so good at helping to “talk me down” from these cliffs, but I get afraid to talk to him about it cause I think that he’s got to have a time limit at some point and say enough is enough, get over it!
So on the inside, I just want to RUN AWAY!
Dear Tilly,
Thank you for your protective feelings for me and my “boys” (men, actually, and GOOD men at that!) I had a hard day yesterday and very stressful and woke up today with a “stress hangonver.” YES, IT DOES FEEL JUST LIKE AN ALCHOLIC HANGOVER….son C also woke up with that feeling, but now that we’ve had a few cups of coffee and time to wake up good, we are both feeling better.
I commented to him that “feelilng better now” and having felt the way we did when the stress is intense, is a GOOD sign that we are NOT UNDER ALL THIS STRESS ALL THE TIME LIKE WE USED TO BE.
In the past, we were under such a wash of adreneline ALL THE TIME that if a real emergency came up we couldn’t summon the “fight or flight” syndrome to help us. NOW WE ARE ON A BETTER PATH.
I have been going through the huge stack of letters from P-son to son C, to the Trojan Horse Psychopath, etc. and picking the ones I want to take to the Reverend as proof and as examples of the EVIL P-son tries to do and is. I worked for two horus this morning reading through them, and attaching notes to each one to make them more understandable to othe Rev. also a copy of the PI report I got on the Trojan Horse, The letters from my P-offspring to the Trojan Horse are so cute and actually ina way funny. Filled with “F%$K” this, and “F%$K” that and the ones to my egg donor are “I am praying for you grandma, what would Jesus do?” LOL
I don’t want to overwhelm the Rev with a huge stack so will just take a few of the “better ones” like the one where P-son is bragging about “how horrible” his crime was “much worse than the cops know.”
I’m gonna take a couple of hour break and then do another couple of hours of reading. Getting my packet together, and also need to make a few phone calls, etc. Just chip away at several things that need doing, but I’m not under th eSTRESS about it I was last night, it is jelling into DETERMINATION and PLANNING now, rather than an emotional reaction. I had a friend here yesterday who is also a serial victim of Ps and she and I talked late into the evening after the guys had gone to bed, and she was a very comforting validation for me.
Dear Cutandrun
My little demon on the back tells me over and over that I didn’t give him enough of a chance, that I misunderstood and that I am being unreasonable. After all, he presented himself as a God-fearing born-again Christian. I should have wanted to help him out of a jam. The face-to-face with him was always wonderful. EVERY item of verifiable info, (background, address, workplace etc. checked out. He did not lie.) The Mr. Hyde showed up in texts. I have to REMIND myself that that part of him is very real!!
The empty marriage is the impetus for you, me and I believe, Blindsided, to want to believe this other guy. It’s so refreshing after so long. PLEASE don’t forget the dark side, stay strong and safe.
Oxy:
OMG! I can’t believe you have to read through all of that stuff all over AGAIN! Talk about ENDLESS!!!
You are so brave Oxy and you SOO give me strength. I have huge empathy for you because i know that i am going to have to do just what you are doing now (in a different scenario) later on. And the dread of knowing that that is coming up and having to shut the big part of me off that once felt the FOG (and the LOVE)for the P’s is overwhelming.
But i can see with the help of your boys and your HP (higher power) that you are fine and that you will get through it, i.e. by Knowing that you have left no stone unturned to protect your boys and yourself and that you have done everything in your power to get help to survive and live a full and better life in whatever you can.
It will make such a difference for you and the boys (I know..MEN!!) if you can use this opportunity to help you. But I know we both have to hand the result over to God and sometimes in the past i have felt God has let me down so badly. Only to find out later, just why. (Usually because I have to help someone else go through it too!).
Chin up Oxy, I am glad your other son felt strong enough to say ” I am staying NC as I can’t emotionally cope with anymore of it” ( in his OWN WORDS of course), and that you all respected him for it. It is hard to say that when the pressure is on, to those you love knowing that it could be misconstrued .
TOWANDA OXY! You have taken a massive huge step in your fight for you and your boys to safety. xoxoxoxxo
ErinB:
I love your posts. You are ALWAYS so strong and postive (and right). I aspire to be like you!
Yes, Sam Vaknin does serve a big purpose in our recovery. I think its because of his publicity he has construed for himself, because he is often the first reading a victim of a P/N/S gets their hands on. It is the first step in treating the P like an “Other than human”.
For me it was like believing that “the greys” or “the aliens” actually do come down to the planet earth and take people to their spaceships and vacate the persons spirit and hop into the victims body and return to earth”.
But then that made me a “slave to the alien”. My core belief that my mother and father and brother ingrained into me was “THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU! WHAT YOU SAY YOU SEE DOES NOT EXIST ( i.e. their horrendous violence and dysfunction) AND IT HAS NOT HAPPENED EVER !THEREFORE YOU ARE A WEIRDO LIAR EVIL NUTCASE”) or an “inverted narcissist”. HOW DARE YOU SAM VAKNIN!