Like many of you, I am very grateful for a few friends who acted as sounding boards as I processed my experience with a sociopath. The best talks have been with my exercise partner who is also a former Federal agent. About 2 years ago on one of our walks we discussed what it must be like to be inside the skin of a sociopath. Both of us tried to imagine what their inner world is like.
On that walk we both connected with ourselves and each other in a way we hadn’t before. The connection happened as we reflected on what it must be like to live a life without love. I realized that my sense of myself as a continuous person over time is based on the people I love and the values I have a passion for. Everywhere I go I carry with me a sense of duty, love and connection to my children and other loved ones. My dearest ones are always inside me. The fulfilling of duty to them gives life purpose and direction.
According to Dr. Cleckley, the first psychiatrist to really study sociopaths, the disorder produces an incapacity for love that is “complete”. Furthermore Dr. Cleckley states in his book, The Mask of Sanity that even those who have an “incomplete manifestation” of the disorder completely lack the capacity for love.
Without love to give themselves a sense of feeling and purpose, sociopaths are prone to boredom. They have to keep filling their lives with excitement and also abuse substances to fill the gap.
Sociopaths live in the moment because they lack the loving human connections that give everyone else a sense of continuity of person and purpose.
Sociopaths also have no true self because instead of being based on loving connections, their sense of themselves is based on who they can dominate in the moment. If yesterday they had to assume a certain identity to get over on person A, today they may have to assume another identity to get over on person B. This assumption of identities is not a problem for them because the goal is not loving or meaningful connectedness. The goal is the pleasure of the get over. They will become what they must to accomplish that goal.
I’ve been struggling over whether or not to include a section on “identity” in my next book. I am trying not to get too psychologically technical. But it might be helpful for victims and family members to reflect on identity and understand why sociopaths lack a stable sense of self. I am interested in your thoughts about that.
Since some of you indicated you wanted me to tackle an explanation of “borderline personality”. I’ve been reading on the issue of identity. On page 213 of “Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism” psychoanalyst Dr. Otto Kernberg says the following:
The normal integrated self and its related integrated conceptions of others guarantee a sense of continuity throughout time and under varying circumstances. They also guarantee a sense of belonging to a network of human relations that makes life meaningful, and they guarantee the ordinary “self feeling” we take for granted”¦
He also says that absent loving connections:
”¦ pathological subjective experiences of a painful and disturbing nature develop. Among these experiences predominates a sense of emptiness and futility of life, chronic restlessness and boredom..In typical cases, it is as if this emptiness were their basic modality of subjective experience from which they attempt to escape by engagement in many activities or in frantic social interactions, by the ingestion of drugs or alcohol or by attempts to obtain instinctual gratifications through sex, aggression, food or compulsive activities”¦
I hope you will spend what is left of summer reflecting on your own loving connections. As you contemplate the meaning of these connections and their importance to your sense of who you are, consider your own “self-feeling”. Realize that you have yourself to give yourself in intimacy to another either friend, family or lover, while the sociopath you know has nothing to give anyone.
Tilly
I come to LF to validate the longterm abuse I experienced at the P/S/N and to recover from it, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
I would like to be there and see Sam Vaknin standing in front of a one of our female victims who died at the hands of a psychopath, calling her an “inverted narcissist”. I would like to meet his “happy” wife.
I would like to see him in the gutter, poor, with no dignity,no respect, just a nothing, being kicked by me and my domestic violence victim friends and calling out to him ” BUT SAM!! YOU ARE JUST AN inverted narcissist”.
Tilly
I love Oxy’s quotes. This is the one I am keeping with me today,
“I know that some people TRY to think that “blood is thicker than water” but you know, ABUSE is thicker than blood”.
I LOVE THIS!!!
akitameg
Hi Everyone–
Remember me?
I have not visited in months.
First it was b/c of my new job- many, many hours.
then– this past two weeks I was away in the middle of nowhere (beautiful) with friends in Canada. On little Islands North of Sault Ste Marie.
Well– I have relapsed into PTSD– happened on the trip. I guess the reflecting. Being away from the distractions of a crazy job. BEING WITH FRIENDS who have majorly succeeded in life– where I should have but a Sociopath got in the way!!!
I just cannot evil people like this exist. I wish I could see you all in real life b/c only you understand.
My health is still deteriorating and we do not now why and this causes more stress and then depression and hopelessness and anger b/c– hey my N is not suffering. he inherited millions the day he kicked me to the curb (LIterally and figuritively!)
I thought I was cured. I had been doing so well.
I return to work tomorrow. Nervous about that too.
I feel this man stole my soul.
I miss you all.
Having an endoscopy next Monday? Has anyone ever had one?
Does anyone think that my health probs 10 months later could still be from PTSD?
These people should be prosecuted.
Thank you for letting me vent.
love you all–
Hello and welcome to newcomers.
Great group here.
I was okay for two entire months!
Elizabeth Conley
Dear Akitameg,
Long time no see!
“I was okay for two entire months!”
Which is proof that you can be OK again. It will be for longer and longer periods each time. That’s how recovery from PTSD works. You do well for hours, then for days, then weeks, months etc.
It’s going to be OK.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
cutandrun
Thank you, amay61…..
I am getting stronger every day – but sometimes fall in a rut and just get so weary with the constant having to talk to myself. Sometimes I feel strong and then things around here start to feel “normal”, and then suddenly “normal” isn’t such a good feeling anymore – something strikes an inner chord of fear or anger that “normal” is going to be the same as it always has been, for the past 23 years, and I feel the need to emotionally “flee”….”fighting” was never in my vocabulary or experience.
I feel ashamed even having to talk about it as hubby is being so patient…..like I don’t deserve it…..and compared to what others are going through, have been through…
Want to add that this is not my first experience w/ an Sociopathetic, 8 years ago had another one “take over” my life, and this one was a Christian to beat all Christians, and he played the religion card for all it was worth, just to entertain himself whilst playing with my mind. Wrote out that story on another thread here….
I’ll be praying for you too…..
Elizabeth Conley
PS to Akitameg:
People who are into pop-psychology will think that the road to recovery means talking the issue over exhaustively. Not so with PTSD. You’ve talked enough. Your experience was bad. You know that. Now you don’t have to talk about it any more, unless YOU feel like it. If not talking about it helps you not think about it, and not thinking about it helps you stay calm and cheerful, then don’t talk about it!
Seriously, if someone pressures you to talk about your miserable experiences, refuse bluntly and forcefully. Talking about being miserable doesn’t make people well. Someone who wants you to talk about things that make you sad might be feeding off your discomfort in some way. Just say no!
PInow
I had endoscopy. I woke up and demanded to see the doctor, because I was sure that nothing had been done and they were defrauding my insurance carrier. Once the anesthesia wore off, I had my laughs. They found nothing, thankfully. We process life with our stomachs. If we cannot “stomach” something, our body reacts. I hope yours will be well too. Good luck.
Soul thieves – that’s what Cathy said they are called….
I have to say that a lot of my friends are very supportive and many know what I am talking about when I bring up the P. I have gotten so many prayers, that by now I can tell who does pray for me and who only says they do. There is some kind of empathic connection with those who give a piece of their soul to asking G-d to heal yours. be well.
neveragain
Akitameg: I too had to deal with the fact that the P has multimillions and I don’t. But that is getting sucked into THEIR way of thinking….that the externals matter. They really DO NOT. “Every where you go, there you are”. The rich just have a different set of problems. They truly do. I have been around enough rich people to see that. They feel they can’t be sure anyone REALLY likes them for themselves, not their money. They constantly worry about being ripped off. They live in homes that are more like museums than real homes. It is so easy for them to get sucked into judging everything through $$ eyes and image, instead of what is real and they are very prone to envy, feelings of emptiness and worthlessness….because what they do doesn’t matter. They don’t HAVE to do anything. And then they often don’t have a lot of privacy, workers always around. The financials are complicated and stressful, as is finding a financial manager they can trust….they think. The happiest rich people are those who live more the “middle class” lifestyle and do philanthropy.
Being rich is not the path to happiness or success, no matter how much our current culture seems to scream it. The pathway to happiness is our connection with people and animals and causes and creativity that matters. It truly is….and that pathway is forever blocked to P’s.
When I first left the P, I felt my stomach drop each time I saw a rich guy drive by, felt like a failure, etc. NOW that I’m free of his FOG, I don’t have those awful narc feelings of envy or judging by status anymore.
Give yourself time to escape from the poison of his world view and our cuture’s world view. It is all skewed. Surround yourself with people who aren’t superficial, who really care and love and give to others.
That is the way out of the bitterness of his inheritance. I would not be with a P for multimillions!!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally mean that.
blindsided31
amay61
and hi cutandrun
Yes, it seems we all have a lot in common. Even though you both were under the spell of the S for a shorter time than me, I know the feelings are the same. Early in our relationship, we had a little glitch and I thought I was going to lose him- I felt awful even then.
But then we got back together and I really came to believe that we would be together forever- I really thought we filled a need in each other. Little did I know that, while I was very serious, he felt the relationship was “casual” ( he told me this in the last contact 8 and a half weeks ago). For 18 months, he called me and e-mailed me several times a day; got together 2 or 3 times a week; went away on three weekend trips; spent many days together when we both called in at work– but to him, this was apparently “Casual”.
Now I know, Ss get bored very easily and need constant excitement. Not only did he get bored with me and found a new “victim” but apparently he got bored with actually doing his job- because he was on the verge of losing that too- he had to scramble to find another job before he was fired.
Honestly, I do not know how I have gotten through this past year. I have cried way more in the past 12 months than in my entire 55 years. As unhappy as I was in my marriage prior to meeting the S, I am even more unhappy now- now that I have seen and felt what falling madly in love is like (even though it turned out it was all one-sided-could have fooled me). Much like you amay 61 my husband and I live in the same house, but separately- we sleep on separate floors too. And like you, cutandrun, one of us (me in this case) works 80 hour weeks just so I don’t have to come home (and I do not qualify for overtime pay).
I’m not really sure what the future will bring. I can say that one thing I have done better at this past year is living one day at a time. During my time with the S, I was always looking forward to the next meeting with him, but now, with little to look forward to, I just plod forward each day.
One thing that is keeping me occupied (but not in a good way) is a grievance I am filing at work because I was denied a much deserved promotion by a manager who I believe is probably a SP too (why do I keep encountering these people?) Although I will probably not win this grievance, at least it gives me something to occupy my mind other than the S.
I wrote a lot tonight, so I will end now. Keep up your strength and NC- it does get easier with time.
PInow
Amay61,
I ended my marriage to be with this Finally Love forever dude. he simply took advantage of all of us. And – moved on. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you could be his new girlfriend, because of such a great match you are describing. I think there is a P mold somewhere and they do all go to the same school. Can’t say that I hate their evil acts alone. At some point you have got to realize that Devil is behind the evil acts. I am all for making them pay. Big time. But, HOW?