Like many of you, I am very grateful for a few friends who acted as sounding boards as I processed my experience with a sociopath. The best talks have been with my exercise partner who is also a former Federal agent. About 2 years ago on one of our walks we discussed what it must be like to be inside the skin of a sociopath. Both of us tried to imagine what their inner world is like.
On that walk we both connected with ourselves and each other in a way we hadn’t before. The connection happened as we reflected on what it must be like to live a life without love. I realized that my sense of myself as a continuous person over time is based on the people I love and the values I have a passion for. Everywhere I go I carry with me a sense of duty, love and connection to my children and other loved ones. My dearest ones are always inside me. The fulfilling of duty to them gives life purpose and direction.
According to Dr. Cleckley, the first psychiatrist to really study sociopaths, the disorder produces an incapacity for love that is “complete”. Furthermore Dr. Cleckley states in his book, The Mask of Sanity that even those who have an “incomplete manifestation” of the disorder completely lack the capacity for love.
Without love to give themselves a sense of feeling and purpose, sociopaths are prone to boredom. They have to keep filling their lives with excitement and also abuse substances to fill the gap.
Sociopaths live in the moment because they lack the loving human connections that give everyone else a sense of continuity of person and purpose.
Sociopaths also have no true self because instead of being based on loving connections, their sense of themselves is based on who they can dominate in the moment. If yesterday they had to assume a certain identity to get over on person A, today they may have to assume another identity to get over on person B. This assumption of identities is not a problem for them because the goal is not loving or meaningful connectedness. The goal is the pleasure of the get over. They will become what they must to accomplish that goal.
I’ve been struggling over whether or not to include a section on “identity” in my next book. I am trying not to get too psychologically technical. But it might be helpful for victims and family members to reflect on identity and understand why sociopaths lack a stable sense of self. I am interested in your thoughts about that.
Since some of you indicated you wanted me to tackle an explanation of “borderline personality”. I’ve been reading on the issue of identity. On page 213 of “Borderline Conditions and Pathological Narcissism” psychoanalyst Dr. Otto Kernberg says the following:
The normal integrated self and its related integrated conceptions of others guarantee a sense of continuity throughout time and under varying circumstances. They also guarantee a sense of belonging to a network of human relations that makes life meaningful, and they guarantee the ordinary “self feeling” we take for granted”¦
He also says that absent loving connections:
”¦ pathological subjective experiences of a painful and disturbing nature develop. Among these experiences predominates a sense of emptiness and futility of life, chronic restlessness and boredom..In typical cases, it is as if this emptiness were their basic modality of subjective experience from which they attempt to escape by engagement in many activities or in frantic social interactions, by the ingestion of drugs or alcohol or by attempts to obtain instinctual gratifications through sex, aggression, food or compulsive activities”¦
I hope you will spend what is left of summer reflecting on your own loving connections. As you contemplate the meaning of these connections and their importance to your sense of who you are, consider your own “self-feeling”. Realize that you have yourself to give yourself in intimacy to another either friend, family or lover, while the sociopath you know has nothing to give anyone.
Tilly–
that was supposed to be
“on you and your actions?”
I’ve been scanning through the posts and wanted to hop in here and add my two cents worth especially in regard to recognizing red flags.
My experience with my ex S was not as horrific as many others I’ve read about here on LF. During the 8 years I spent with him, there was no physical abuse, no harsh words…not even an argument! He poured love and affection onto me the entire time. Still yet…from time to time…he would display behavior that seemed totally out of “character”. He talked a good talk in regard to morals, values, etc. and seemed to reflect them in his lifestyle But, from time to time, he would either say or do something that was TOTALLY opposite. When he would do this, it was like he was a totally different person. He would OVER react to the smallest of things, yet UNDER react to the largest.
The other thing that I started to notice was his lack of respect for me. Oh, he TOLD me often how much he loved, admired and respected me yet he felt absolutely NO shame in not working and contributing to our finances. Even when he did work, he barely made enough money to support his pot habit and pay his child support. He contributed absolutely NOTHING towards the household bills and at one point asked me why he should…because I had the house BEFORE we married. When I told him that it was because he LIVED there…he still acted as though he didn’t understand. Also, it didn’t seem to bother him while he sat watching TV or playing video games that it was me who was cutting nearly 2 acres of lawn. Even when he wasn’t employed and I was! But his love and admiration for me continued to gush from his mouth.
Basically, what I’m saying here is that I would ask myself time and time again…”how can he love me so much and allow me to carry all the burdens?” THAT WAS ONE BIG RED FLAG that I chose to ignore because I continued to feed off his words rather than his actions!!! He shared none of the stress of meeting our needs and had no worries whatsoever. That is NOT love! He also claimed that all relationships before me had failed due to the women cheating on him or his not having enough money to keep them happy. So, if I “gently” tried to discuss his needing to get a job and contribute to the household…he went straight up and accused me of being like “them”.
After my experience with the S and reading, reading, reading everything I can get my hands on, I practice the old rule of not believing anything I hear and only half of what I see. It’s a person’s actions that reveal their love…not their words or what appears to be “affection” alone. He honestly wanted me to believe that we could “live off love”. I’m sorry, but it takes than words and sex to make a marriage/relationship work.
Dear Everyone–
i just read the wonderful chameleon article, but i have a question.
Mine “seemed” to have loving connections with a certain bro and sis inlaw.
Then again– they were full of chite and trying to get him kicked out of his folks’ will so they would get more. Of course he would not believe me or one os his sisters who knew what she was talking about.
but really– he stays with them– spends holidays with them— drops wonderful girls like me if they tell him to…. they do his dirty work big time.
and he treats his 6 year old like a Princess.
ARe these loving connections? I am confused.
he sure treated his beautiful, kind exwife– from japan like chite.
and his folks and sister. even told me he had fantasies of his sis getting in a car accident and not dying– but being paralysed the rest of her life.
he told me it was b/c she had abused him so much.
if I only knew what i new now.
Can someone answer the loving connections part? Maybe they seem like loving connections but these connections even have an MO.
I have a question…..
How do I get this out of my mind?
I was married for 20 years to a sociopath (minister-pastor) and lost my 3 children (now 22, 19, & 16).
It is like he has possessed part of my soul. There are certain things…..like when I see a child say or do something, I know how he would react and what he would say. When I see a woman…I know exactly how he would critique her. The good and the bad. And like that, a million things! It is like I have 2 brains! I think w/ my own thoughts….but then I think the way I know he would. What is that?????? It is SICK!!
I have been away from him for over 4 years. But as much as I want to get rid of him entirely, he is like imbedded in my soul. I wish I could just erase it all. But I can’t.
I have a wonderful husband who is the best father to his 8 yr old son. It amazes me what a great TRUE loving dad he is! I wish my kids could have had that. But every time I see him w/ his son, I see in my mind what my X would have done or said. It is like a curse that I can’t get away from. I really hate it! Like I said before, I wish I could erase it, but I can’t!
This may be a bit dated. I have not had the chance to read many books since but When Society Becomes An Addict, Anne Wilson Schaef, Harper and Row, 1986 set me on a course for many life changes.
It is of a fundamental view of processes based in addictive symptomology. To me its about Shame based individuals too.
It gave me such a deep and new understanding of life experience.
And a friends introduction to me of Richard Wilbur’s poem The Undead, just about blew me away.
Of course chameleons and a vampires share something dont they?
Thank you for your post!
Bllindsided
I feel funny about pulling up the “me too, me too” thing all the time. It’s just weird the parallels I see. My H is 13 years older than I and has physical (rotted teeth, alcoholism – his skin reeks) and emotional/mental issues. He is getting feebler by the day. I know he would not fare well without me. At 62 he finally got a real job, but only at my insistence and assistance. He is already bored, there simply is not enough built-in adulation for him in this job. He needs people to adore him, which is what he got before, even though that “job” netted him at times up to a whole $25 a day!!! The more he sought from others, the less I was able to give him. I pulled away slowly, day by day until there was absolutely nothing left. I am pretty confident that he never had a physical affair in all the years he was unavailable to me, but since our relationship was never physical anyway, the emotional charges he got elsewhere WERE his infidelity.
Anyway, that said, I can certainly relate to not wanting to come home. Work is definitely a welcome outlet.
I cry with you when you say that as unhappy as you were before, it is so much worse now that you know what being madly in love (albeit one-sided) feels like. My P awakened in me feelings that I NEVER had before.
I hate to think that “plodding” through life is the solution. But I also know the sense of duty – how could I leave him now?
I know this blog is intended to help through the damage the Ps have caused in our lives, not so much our sorry marriages, but pain is pain and the interconnectedness is certainly there.
I want to encourage you, I just don’t know how.
AKITAMEG,
I am certainly no expert at this. I just learned what a sociopath is not too long ago. But if he IS a sociopath, then there is definately an ulterior motive on his “loving connections”. For instance, he treats his daughter like a princess but he will totally control her by holding it over her head for the rest of her life. Or he does is to form an image of himself to disquise any abuse that she may be experiencing. This causes a lot of confusion in her b/c he convinces her of what a great dad he is and all that he does for her. I have experienced this personally.
If not, and he truly loves her, then he may not be a sociopath but may have a different disorder.
I hope this helps. Just my 2 cents.
I am a BPD in love with a socio path, I want to share thedepth of sadness and emptiness that occurs in my soul knowing, I will never know the love and security that regular people have, Imagine how long life would be knowing you are not equipped with the same emotion’s as everyone else.
I have never understood why there is no compassion for those of us who were abused when we should’ve bonded. I did not ask to be this way and every day watch and listen to what others do in thier relationships so I can do it too ( not that i havebeen successful , but I try). It is not that I can’t love, it’s the opposite actually, that I am so consumed by not being loved that pushes me to that bored space that propagates my self destruction. I just feel that most socio/bpd’s wish that they had the same emotions as others, it is exhausting pretending and I wish I could go back and be my own mother and love me in a way that created a secure human not a scared , detached one like me. Bless…
PS , I pray every night for healing of my heart and my emotions… still I am who I am.
that’s your opinion, but thank you for shutting me down for trying to express my feelings. No one asks to be like this. And I am sorry most people are not abused and neglected as infants.. most are loved , even if thier parents make mistakes. Thanks for the rudeness. Sad I can’t express my side, my feelings, but that is because you see me ( a BPD) as a sub human devoid of feelings. and that is not true, I may not always be able to control my self, but I am aware of who i am. trying to understand what I have not been given.
kamalocity,
I have worked and known BPDs. There is much hope for you. I have been trying to educate bloggers on this site to understand the difference and I disagree with Stormee in the response that you are being manipulative. The feelings you experience are very strong and very devastating at times. If it’s hate you feel, you cannot see life beyond the feeling and if it is love you feel, it is all encompassing to where you cannot regulate the rest of your life or your responses. If I had to put you on a continuum, on one side would be a P, who is not capable of any feelings at all, but hate, perhaps, who is manipulative and cunning to derive pleasure from destruction. I see that you are on a different, opposite end of that continuum: BPDs manipulate to be loved and to feel needed, and to feel taken care of. The attraction is because “opposites attract”. You are not at all like the Ps and there is wonderful treatment to help you learn and grow. It’s going to be painful and feel lonely at times, and you will probably need support from this site and others, but the Ps can never support anyone, not even themselves. The research shows improvement in your favor. You did not ask for the abuse, but you are making the right steps to overcome it. I do pray that you and others will see the difference. Try to establish boundaries, learn about what you like and dislike away from others, and meet that person that was abused as a child. Cuddle her, love her, be her mother, and you will see that that love will pay off. I will continue to try to educate others and I will continue to believe that BPDs can change, do change and become contributing members of society. PS: write a large note and put it on the refrigerator: the note should say: “THIS TOO SHALL PASS”.