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Enabling a sociopath is unpatriotic

Sociopaths/psychopaths commit a disproportionate amount of both violent and non-violent crime in all Western countries. Today is July 4th or American Independence Day, so I am going to take this opportunity to ask that friends and family members of sociopaths stop enabling them.

According to Webster’s Online Dictionary the word enable means:
1 a: to provide with the means or opportunity
b: to make possible, practical, or easy
c: to cause to operate

In her book A Dance With the Devil, (which I highly recommend) Barbara Bentley gives many poignant examples of enabling as she describes how her psychopathic husband accomplished his antisocial goals.

The most shocking of many examples is found on page 271 where she describes how her former husband was paroled after serving only 22 months in jail for trying to murder her:

“”¦a former Two Star business associate who worked as a civilian contractor for the Navy, had vouched for John and gave him a place to stay, along with backing John’s plan to start a plant import business.”

On page 350 Barbara explains that this former business associate also introduced John to his next victim. John moved in on that victim quickly, moving in with her within two weeks of the introduction. He conned at least $65,000 from that woman and also beat her.

This story also goes to show that one “favor” done for a sociopath/psychopath turns into many and culminates in the victimization of innocent people.

The truth is that unless friends and family members completely dissociate from the sociopath they will be called upon to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy and to cause to operate.

Here are some other examples of enabling that have come to my attention over the years:

1. Lying for the sociopath in and out of court.
2. Not speaking up when the sociopath tells untrue stories or a bold faced lie to another person in front of the friend/family member.
3. Going with the sociopath to meetings with a parole officer so that the sociopath “looks good.”
4. Helping the sociopath gain custody or unsupervised visitation with children he/she had victimized leading to further victimization of the children.
5. Giving the sociopath money so that he/she seems well off as he/she courts victims.
6. Inviting the sociopath and victims to family gatherings so victims think sociopath is a contributing member of a loving family.
7. Telling victims half truths about the sociopath, eg. Discussing only his/her “good qualities.”
8. Providing the sociopath with transportation to a place where he/she then committed a crime.
9. Sending flowers to sociopath’s next victim on behalf of the sociopath, even when that family member knew the sociopath had a prior trail of at least 4 other victims and is a sex offender.
10. Spying on other people for the sociopath and reporting on their whereabouts and activities.
11. Calling people on behalf of the sociopath.

Many of the specific acts of enabling listed above were done by people who I believe just did not fully comprehend what the sociopath was up to. Tragically these acts of enabling that led to people being harmed were done by enablers who were trying to be kind or polite.

I offer the following guidelines for the friends and family members of sociopaths or suspected sociopaths.

If you know someone has been in jail more than once and/ or has been convicted of more than one felony get away from that person immediately and certainly NEVER help him or her. Criminal recidivism and versatility are two very important signs of psychopathy. Criminal versatility means participating in different kinds of crimes.

If a former spouse claims someone you know is a sociopath, do not dismiss the allegations. During the course of a divorce many nasty things are said but, the usual divorce does not contain that allegation. So instead of giving a potential sociopath the benefit of the doubt, take in all the facts and believe the former spouse until the allegation is proven false. Certainly, in such cases, do not help the alleged sociopath. Do not take such a big risk; a sin of omission is not as bad as a sin committed.

If a member of your family has had many relationships, partnerships or marriages where he or she has lied or has been otherwise unfaithful to the partnership, do not invite that individual to any family gatherings. Certainly do not introduce the probable sociopath to any potential partners, either romantic or business. Do not allow the potential sociopath to use your family gatherings or introductions as a venue for his/her operation.

Now you may be wondering why friends and family who are not sociopaths themselves do all the enabling I have described above. Motives vary, but people have a very hard time giving up on the sociopath and admitting his/her true nature. They are trying to be polite and also at times trying to pawn the sociopath off on someone else. As they do the pawning they don’t acknowledge to themselves that the sociopath is really a predator/parasite, they just consider him/her a nuisance.

Please comment on what I have written here by sharing your own examples of enabling by friends and family members. Try to keep comments focused on that topic so people reading this can see more examples. If you have been an enabler, confess it by telling your story in a way that does not identify you but that gets it off your chest. Then, vow today to do the right thing for your country (society) and never enable again.

Get your copy of A Dance with the Devil!


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53 Comments on "Enabling a sociopath is unpatriotic"

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“The truth is that unless friends and family members completely dissociate from the sociopath they will be called upon to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy and to cause to operate.”

This is more true than anyone can understand. The S’s probation officer showed up at our church a few times. Because everyone maintains such a good front, he thought the S was “reformed”.

My former mil is an enabler extraordinaire. She would vouch for his lies, give him money hand over fist (without my knowledge), pay for lawyers fees, virulently insist he was a “good person”, pay off victims to prevent them involving the authorities, return items he had stolen (when they hadn’t actually been pawned off or otherwise disappeared already), keep him in one of her houses- paying all the bills, buying him groceries, doing his laundry, and cleaning up after him), whine and moan occasionally- but never DO ANYTHING about the things he stole from her, and preach his innocence over and over. In my world, none of this ever occurred to me. My parents would have kicked my worthless butt to the curb! I never dreamed that people actually live like this.

I noticed, later on, that when anyone said anything negative about him (which was OFTEN), her eyes would glaze over and you’d get the impression she was singing “Yankee Doodle Dandy” in her head- or anything else as long as she wasn’t hearing the bad news about “her baby.” Every evil and criminal act he commits on family, friends, associates, neighbors, even her, becomes “misunderstandings.” She NEVER assigns the blame where it lies. And “it” lies ALOT.

She was always very involved in our lives. Looking back, I think that was damage control. If I threw his worthless hide out, she’d have to deal with him again. I do believe she pawned him off on me. I know my house was much calmer once I threw him out- so in that respect, I can’t blame her for not wanting him around. But it was unforgivable to pawn him off on a single mother with a young daughter. Knowing what I know now, and the puzzle I came up with once I could see all the pieces, I KNOW SHE KNEW he has a penchant for young girls.

So driven in her denial to “prove” that he was really a “good person,” she sacrificed my daughter and I…and eventually the 2 boys I had with him. She refuses to see what he is to the point that I think she’s a bit “Socio by Proxy” (nod to Oxy.). He was doing coke off the bibles in her Christian bookstore, hosting teen beer bashes, and leaving her the mess to clean up and STILL she refused to see that anything was wrong! The last woman (like me) he was dating before he went to prison told me she talked to his mother EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yup, I said. And I hope they don’t eat you alive like they did me. She didn’t want to hear it. I don’t know if she is still in contact with the mother or pining away for the monster. I tried.

She helped with the crazy making. NO MATTER what he did, how long he disappeared for, she was always RIGHT THERE to tell me how he “loves me so much, he’s always telling me how’d he’d never hurt you.” Blah. Blah. Blech.

If I ever date again, number one prerequisite is a dead momma. I’m done with crazy, enabling mil’s. I’m 2 for 2.

A huge red flag for me, and I tell my single friends and my sisters and my daughter, is a meddling (enabling?) mother. If you break up because you suspect the guy is a loser and HIS MOTHER calls you- RUN FOR THE HILLS. No grown up, fully formed MAN needs his mommy to run interference in his love life. RUN.

After what happened to me (and my daughter- she was sucked in by the sociopath too) and recently my sister dated a total douche…we have a family pact now. If we all HATE your romantic interest, there has to be a reason- and it’s not YOU. Rather than ASSUMING that we KNOW the family wants to see us happy, it’s been SPOKEN that we, as a whole, would never want to chase away happiness…but that we all have CREEP radar now…even if ONE person’s is malfunctioning. If you are a member of a loving, supportive family and the family HATES your date; there just might be a reason.

I heard recently the xmil was trying to organize a support group for him and raise money for his prison account…he’s a poor innocent soul whose evil wife (who was once and often referred to as “the best thing that ever happened to him”) and stepdaughter lied about him and sent him to jail- through NO FAULT of his own, don’t ya know? His name still appears on our church bulletin birthday list- my daughter and I have been removed.

Dear Liane,

Thanks for this GREAT article. I would change the title though from “Unpatriotic” to “MURDEROUS!” LOL

As I have stated before, as Glinda pointed out, my TOXICLY enabling egg donor giving money to my P-son in prison after he tried to have me killed by one of his ex-cell mates who was diagnosed as ASPD while in prison for 3 counts of child molestation, is just as dangerous to me as he is because she is making it POSSIBLE for him to mount another atttack.

Her behavior is “Psychopathic-by-proy” in my opinion. As Glinda has had trouble with her x MILs, I have the same problem with my egg donor. My two sons who are not P have both taken the stance that Glinda and her family have about future romantic relationships—if one of us have a “P-dar” go off then all bets are off with that partner. And really, it isn’t just a “P-dar” but a TOXICISITY INDICATOR, not everyone who is toxic is a psychopath, but may in fact be an enabler type, or a “needy” type or any one of the cluster B groupp.

What is also sooooo frustrating to me is that the enabler many times “comes off as” such a “kind and caring” person when in fact, their “kindness” is like a person who keeps on protecting A RABID DOG THAT KEEPS ON BITING PEOPLE.

Ive never had a problem “putting down” a DANGEROUS animal, no matter how “attached” I was to that animal, because I don’t want that animal to cause me or any one else serious injury. That was why we developed the (tongue in cheek) “rule” around here about “bigger AND meaner”. If an animal is bigger AND meaner than I am then it GOES! It can be smaller and meaner (so i can control it) or bigger, but “not as mean”, but if it is BOTH bigger AND meaner, then it goes!

In the past, I too, have BEEN an enabler with my P-son, and with others, some Ps and some not….and failed completely in setting boundaries in my attempts to “help” these people who did NOT WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES, but wanted someone else to take responsibility for their needs.

Of course, at the time, I told myself I was “helping” them and “giving them another chance” etc. but in fact, I was allowing them to USE ME and I was providing them things that they should have provided for themselves.

Enabling can be a “big” thing like going someone’s bail, or as “small” as picking up your kid’s clothes off the floor where they have thrown them….sometimes it seems “easier” to pick up your kid’s clothes than to go find them, and remind them to pick those clothes up themselves. As you pick up the kid’s clothes, though, you start harboring a bit of resentment, then each time you do it, you start to harbor more, then, eventually they drop the clothes once too often and you “blow up” about it, then for a few days they may pick them up, but before long it is back to dropping them on the floor again. This cycle will continue until YOU set a boundary and stick to it.

I am, at age 62, learning to set boundaries with people in my life….whether it is my adult son dropping his clothing in the bathroom, or my “X-friends” leaving a moving van full of stuff in my storage building and not coming to get it on the date I gave them (with 90 days notice) which has now passed by 34 days….

Being consistent with boundaries, and avoiding people who do not respect yours OR OTHER PEOPLE’S BOUNDAIRES is important to our mental and emotional health. Sometimes to our physical and financial health as well.

I’ve had people ask me, “How could you just turn your back on your mother?” My answer is “because she enables the people who are trying to kill me.” My sons and I set the boundary that it was “him or us” and she chose to enable him rather than have a relationship with us, so we are NC with both her and him. She trivalizes our concerns, and “doesn’t believe” he had anything to do with it, which of course she has seen the EVIDENCE in his own hand writing that he DID plan it out—

Learning to NOT be an enabler has been a challenge for me, but I am learning to set boundaries and to stick with them. It is liberating for ME!

This is a tremendous read – Glinda and OxDrover – great examples – really great – I wish I had been able to “see” so clearly before – but thank God every day that I have been ripping the rose colored glasses off even though I had them super glued to my face before…

Thanks for the kids clothes on the floor bit too – I have a 9 & 7 year old and yes – it is tiring at first but ultimately easier to set and keep boundaries… My kids have been my best teachers in some ways as how I try to raise them is right and I should apply the same standards to others…

How I could give a pass to a grown “man” (monster is what he is) and yet be solid with my kids – well – yuck …

Dear Breck girl,

I set solid boundaries for my kids about things like picking up their clothes and toys when they were VERY little, but I did NOT do the same thing with the Ps in my life. I wish I had, and then, when my youngest biological kid turned out to BE A Psychopath, I enabled him WAAAAAY tooooo much! (any would be TOO MUCH) but fortunately, I EVENTUALLY saw what I was doing and STOPPED, so…he tried to have me killed for cutting off his inheritence that he thinks he is ENTITLED TO. “If you own it, they deserve it” (not sure who said that, but gosh is it TRUE!)

I have actually seen instances where a woman I believe is a psychopath ENABLED her psychopathic son over and over….DUH! That one boggles me, but I swear it is true. LOL

I set boundaries for her son after he stole a few things around here, and she refused to set solid boundaries for him after he STOLE A GRREAT MANY THINGS from HER.

She also has stolen from me, and I set boundaries for her, which she VIOLATED. For several reasons (none of which are any longer valid) I was not able to go NC completely with her, but now that those reasons are a moot point, I am NC with her, her son and her husband as well. Her husband isn’t a P, but he might as well be as he enables her as well as their son, as well as expects me to enable him. He was a witness in a court case my husband filed before his death 5 years ago and I NEEDED this man’s “goodwill” for that case, the case has now been settled so I no longer have to even “pretend” that they aren’t toxic users and abusers and I no longer have to associate with them even in a limited way. WHOOPIE!!!!!!

Louise,
Your courage is amazing. I, too, extracted myself from a sociopath 2 1/2 months ago. The relationship robbed me of 42 years of my life, but I find joy in my life today. I volunteer at a local Hospice, as well as at the senior center close to my home. I am involved with my church, my children and my elderly mother. I went to my support group this morning and then out for coffee at a local favorite place with my women friends and we giggled ourselves silly.
True, I will never be the same and if I camp out with the feelings I still feel as if I cannot endure what happened to me, but with God I can do all things.
I wrote to Oprah after watching a program on her show of abusive relationships to share my views. Just a few months ago I didn’t know how I could go on. I still grieve someplace deep within me. When I read stories like yours, it reinforces that I am not alone. Thanks for taking the time to share the bravery you exude on this day of freedom. We know what that means, don’t we?

The problem is, sometimes no one realizes what they are dealing with. My sister-in-law was related to the BTK serial killer through marriage, and had no idea of what he was. He was at family gatherings in her house and bounced family children on his knee.

When I left one job, I did tell HR that they should give an entitlement test to one person. I didn’t really work with her and was leaving the company on good terms, but I wouldn’t have felt right about leaving without sharing my opinion that she was ultimately going to destroy people’s lives.

Also when a girlfriend wanted to go work for someone, I warned her that he was a narcissist and capable of great rage and that she was making a huge mistake. She went anyway, and in less than 9 months they had both been fired from key top positions.

Fortunatly I have a couple friend to spend the 4th with to take my mind off of this.

I wish she didn’t take him back. What kind of a woman actually believes her kid will be ok being rasied by a sociopath?

I spent months trying to convince her and help.

She broke my heart and ran back to him.

Justabouthealed: I agree. I think people don’t realize it. EVERYONE thought my husband was the greatest husband and father. One of his co-workers called him “Mr. Cleaver” from leave it to beaver when we went to meet him for lunch at work one day. We met him for lunch in July when our daughter was 2 months old. Well a year later I found out my husband had impregnated his mistress/subordinate that same month we met him for lunch!

But when I first started dating him I thought he was wonderful also. His girlfriend that I didn’t believe they were together got my number from his phone and tried to warn me that they were still together and that he would spend the night, etc. But I still didn’t believe it. Now I do…a little too late 🙂

I believe the family and friends need to be hurt or manipulated in some way by the S to really know.

Enabling a sociopath is unpatriotic. Well I never look at it that way but it makes a lot of sense.

Short story:

Having taken my children and I to the taste of Chicago yesterday we wanted to wait to see the firework show (it was great!) and we saw it by the waterfront. But just before it stated a few people show up yelling out “Cold Beer” for sale. This in it self is against the law. But what really surprise me was how one lit a joint and just starting smoking and passing it around to his buddies it like it was nothing. These people were my age and not teenagers or a younger group.

I told my children not to stand too close to them (they parked themselves right next to us) because if a cop shows up they would just grab the whole group standing together and ask question later, Chicago style. Anyway, what surprise me the most is the non-caring attitude about other people in the crowd with children. Sure they were patriotic sharing in the joy of our nation but I saw also they only cared about themselves and didn’t care about others who were also sharing in this special day. They said on the news that over million people came to the taste that day. I wonder how many sociopaths were among them?

Have a happy and safe 4th!!!

I remember a few 4th of July’s with the X, funny they were kinda nice. We drove over to the lake and parked on the dam, sat in the back of the pick up in lawn chair’s and held hands and ewed and awed at the fireworks. We had the weener’s with us and Harley was a nervous wreck and the X held him and sang to him to comfort him. – theres a slow rain tonite, I can hear then going off but I cant go out and watch – and of course my minds is all about what’s he doin, whos hand is he holding and wish he was here to sing to Harley…just thinkin out loud – ignore me…….

Dr. Leedom,

Terrific article! Thanks so much for posting it!

And now to fess up: off and on, I’ve been an enabler in one form or another over most of my life. I had great role models for this growing up in an alcoholic family home. I was the scapegoat child in my family, the one whose job it was to “make it work.” Looking back that helped me gain a little crucial emotional distance, but I was raised to believe that all girls and women should be “nice and helpful,” which led me to have many conversations with my nieces over “the terrible curse of Niceness.” In the part of the South where I grew up, this was conflated with femininity, so women who weren’t kind and helpful weren’t fully women…Yech!

I learned a lot about how to please people and not nearly enough about healthy boundaries, or myself. I AM learning a lot about those things now, here at LoveFraud.

“You make it work,” was the underlying message of my marriage. Of course that doesn’t work, because it always takes two people being involved and working together to make a solid relationship. So I would make a fuss over anything “good” my X did, and literally make myself forget or not see the bad stuff. Recipe for disaster! And that’s what it was: an emotionally distant game of chase with me trying to “earn” his love.

I now realize what I didn’t understand at the time: as justabouthealed said, I didn’t have a clue what I was dealing with. And my therapist GAVE me a book called “Trapped in the Mirror” about living with a narcissist (though in that case, a parent, and not a spouse). Double Yech!

I worked in the Newborn Nursery ICU as an RN, and one of the neonatalogists gave us all the creeps — Now, I get it. Professionally, I was required to follow his orders and question when appropriate. When we questioned anything, he made our lives a living hell. At one point, he threatened me in front of other nurses, and I thought, “If he hits me, I’ll never have to work again.” It’s awful to have a thought like that, and not see how out of control the situation is, and that no excuse is good enough for staying there and taking the abuse. All the nursery nurses made the agreement that we’d never leave him alone with an infant patient. We reported him numerous times for various inappropriate behavoir, and the only result was that we were threatened, or our jobs were threatened.

To keep my job, I sometimes had to “smooth over” the disasters he created. At one point, he stood in the hall yelling and screaming obscenities at me — I was there as a visitor and not on duty, and yet I was called to administration at the beginning of my next shift. I was told to sign a release form or not bother reporting back to work. I was supporting myself and my husband. I signed.

My thesis adviser managed to wreck seven years of hard work on my part, basically on a whim. My crime apparently was that I challenged her on a narcissistic rage she directed at me. She blocked me at the end of the process so I was unable to finish my Master’s. I heard a few rumors about her but I discounted them…she was being so kind to me right? What kind of person listens to gossip? The same person who looses her teaching career before she even starts.

I have no excuse for not standing up for myself. At the time I felt overwhelmed, and I thought that was the way things worked. Do your best for your parent, spouse, patient, be the best student you can be — and if anything is left over, you might get a moment to be happy. I didn’t come close to understanding that ethically and morally, what I did was facilitate and support and enable these people.

I promised myself as I came to understanding that I wouldn’t be a party to it again. I think the rough part is that often, you can’t see what’s really happening, how clever they are at deception and revealing only small pieces of the puzzle of their devastation of anyone near them. When you get enough pieces together to understand, it can be quite a shock. Other people may not believe, or even wish to believe.

Because of the tangled web they are so expert in creating, No Contact is the only way I’ve found that works.

Happy and Safe 4th to Everyone!
No more enabling,
Betty

These Socio’s also need to be reported to the systems that enable them, whether it be the IRS, Unemployment, Property Appraiser, goverment or other agency that you know the Socio has taken advantage of. Set aside your feeling about this and just do it! Most governmental web sites have added a “Report Fraud” selection on their sites. Besides abusing me and basically trying to ruin my life, my Ex-Socio husband of 15 months needed to be confronted with his fraud and conning. Sometimes the system does work!

Betty raises an interesting point about the medical community. The physician as the gatekeeper of life and death is often accorded more respect and freedom than they deserve. Very often physicians blame their misbehavior on the stress of the job.

I tried to keep the life of one physician stress- free so he would not be “too upset” to deal with an emergency in the intensive care unit. I finally realized that every job has its stresses and responsibilities. A school bus driver is responsible for the safety of the students on his bus. A restaurant chef is faced with the responsibility of preventing food poisoning/contamination. The list could go on and on. Every single individual has job stress and a potential to cause harm if done improperly. No one has an excuse to blame their behaviors on the stress/situation at work.

The more I enabled this individual, the more stress I was under.

Thanks to reading this web site I am better educated and free to be me.

Free to be me

Henry:
That is a place that I have not gone to…..I have no idea if I have my wall up so high or what….I do not think about my S with another person.
I know it happens, but it just doesn’t bother me…..WHY?
I do hope that he hooks up with someone long term….for selfish reasons to keep him away….I dont think it would be soon enough for me.
I don’t let him creep into my head like this, I don’t reminisc about times with him, missing ‘those’ times…..because I just don’t have many good memories.
The were either ‘faked’ on my behalf or fantasized by me……28 years worth.
Even the birth of our kids was not special to him…..he couldnt’ take the time away from entertaining people to be with me a support…..
Birthdays, christmas, holidays he would say….Oh, it’s just another day…..so eventually, with him, I treated them as ‘just another day’.
If he did ‘show up’ physically, it was only because I harped on him and he didn’t want to hear it…..but he was really never ‘there’. His exchange for ‘showing up’ or taking me out somewhere was a sex exchange….’what are you going to do for ME”?
There were no hand holding moments watching the fireworks for me…..
So I KNOW there will be NO HAND HOLDING moments for anyone else…..he’s just not got it in him…..oh, yeah, he’ll do whatever if he negotiates a ‘trade’ and if the next girl is okay with that….more power to her…..she’s doing me a favor!
Thanks babe!
You just hold your Harley and snuggle up close, allow the love from him and give it back, we don’t need another person ‘making’ or ‘breaking’ our holidays…..or any other day for that matter!
XXOO

Erin – I have my walls up very high and very thick. They were up before he came along and somehow he was able to get through. Guess it was that illusin thing that was tugging at my heart last nite. I know when he held my hand and said he loved me twenty times a day it was a form of manipulation. It never felt like love, more like control. But I was hanging on to hope I was wrong and the problem was with me. But the truth was always there just under the surface and I didnt want to look that deep I guess. In many ways I was loving his attention even knowing it was feigned. There are memories and moments that were real, for me anyway. I am sorry you were with someone like this for so many years. Maybe it is a blessing that it doesnt bother you. I was only involved three year, I am sure twenty eight years of hell would change my perspective. Thanks for reaching out to me – see our walls are only up to protect us from evil, not genuine caring peeps like the one’s here on LoveFraud…ps. Harley survived another 4th, poor thing I would of given him a valium if I had had one…

Hi Everyone,
I haven’t posted for a long time but this topic is one I would like to comment on.
As we all know, being the target of a sociopath is a traumatic and life changing experience. It brings out the worst and the best in us, stretching all our emotions to the limit. Fortunately, with the help of wonderful sites like Love Fraud we can learn about this behaviour and come to understand why and how we were targets. I can now accept how my situation happened and have learned to live with the fact that I, like thousands of others, was merely a means to an end.
If only this could be the end of the trauma but sadly we have to reap further blows from enablers who wittingly or unwittingly prolong the agony for us by allowing the behaviour to continue. For me, the enabling was one of the worst things to deal with and it is hard to describe the level of anger and frustration at having to watch someone who has almost destroyed your life walk away ‘scott free’ and with the help of others.
Many enablers, I believe, are truly unaware of the damage they are doing. They simply cannot comprehend the subleties of a sociopathic mind. Others, for many different reasons have a need to enable ie. they are family, they are scared etc etc. One thing I am sure of is that they, like us, are manipulated by the sociopaths abilty to strike at our emotions. Factually and logically a sociopath would never get away with what they do but they disarm us all with their assault on our deepest feelings.
There are many people in my case that I could point to as enablers. The OW as his employer and scamming partner enabled him to target me. A friend I confided in became the best friend of the OW, despite knowing the part she played and infuratingly wrote me a letter saying ” there are always two sides to everything” The OW’s husband would not outrightly confront her or him and others have unwittingly enabled their behaviour by simply being too scared to say how they feel, even though they do believe what I say. The overall feeling I had was that most people were just too scared of any kind of confrontation.
In order to protect myself from the neverending frustrations I realised that I had to stop contact with enablers as well as the S. Constantly discussing the subject was too damaging. I asked my close friends not to tell me anything they knew and I do have some degree of piece these days.
I do however, when I feel that it is necessary, warn others about him. Unfortunately it has not stopped him functioning but I do think it has saved a few from his clutches. I will not keep silent about what he has done to me as I too would become an enabler.
I wish you all justice and peace of mind.
Swallow

henry:
Oh yes those walls……
I have a friend that I get to ‘test’ my boundries on, we can live vicariously through each other…..she is dating a guy that I see red flags…..her and I are the Best of friends….she came along when I got sick and has been there rock solid for 3 years….she was the one who pointed out the Narcissism in the beginning with my ex, which led me to sociopath…..she was my catapult……
ANyways, she had a sex addict ex, so we have walked our divorce pathes together….now she is dating a guy, and I’m watching him like a hawk….her and I have a pact, we will be intuative for/with each other…..so he is so far, not doing so well passing my tests…..this week he has gone downhill…..I told her….”i’m about ready to break up with him for you’…..we laugh….we are a team….poor guy, has no clue he has her and EB along for the ride…..
But, she had walls so high and thick, I was shocked when she started dating….she was very casual….walks, coffee, bike rides etc…..it started getting a bit more on the serious side, then he stood her up for 4th of July……OKAY…..not a chance…..he has a controlling side that I see and I just point this out to her, more passive aggressive…..we don’t know him well enough YET…..but these are all things to file close to your ‘get out’ side of the brain.
Control, pinching her fat, nocall/noshow/ jelouse about her pending trip, and other things…..
I see her ‘dance around’ but I don’t let her….I’m in her face, as she is mine…..I told her a few weeks ago I saw intimacy issues with her……after a bit, she agreed and spoke with her therapist about them…..
It is so theraputic and beautiful to have such a wonderful, honest and loyal friend…..She has walked my journey with me 1000%, she is my rock for sure!!!
When I was with the S, I pushed people away…..becasue I couldn’t let anyone too close to the S…..Now I know why….So I kept it safe and kept people away at arms length….I have known this woman for 13 years, but didn’t get to be friends until 3 years ago……..
I am open to dating, but I know when it’s time for me to meet someone I will…..until then I have more growing to do…..and I am surely enjoying the growing up period!!!
I am amazed that I havent lost all faith….but I have not…..I do know there is someone out there that can satisfy my needs and ‘requirments’. Unfortunately for them, it won’t be an easy pass to get in…..I don’t offer trust and allow you to break it for me to act….you have to earn it now….
I have cleaned house of people I don’t trust or even question….not worth taking a chance….it’s so freeing to have my close friends that protect me and look out for us.
Take care Henry……love will be there again we the ‘we’ work is done!
XXOO

I take a little different approach. High, thick walls……Of course, I have them, but I NEVER let them show. In fact, putting up the walls is usually the LAST thing I do with people I meet.

Instead, I prefer giving people “lots of rope” in the beginning. Not so much that you become totally vulnerable, but just enough to see what they are going to do with the rope.
Will they hang themselves with it, or not? The S/P/N will hang themselves everytime.

I still think our eyes and ears are our best tools when we first meet someone, especially if you know what to look (and listen) for.

I don’t worry about not having my walls up, because if I hear or see anything that even HINTS of being “S”ish, my walls can go up in a New York second.

EB – I love what you are doing with your friend – I have found as I am slowly recovering that there are people that care about me – that I can trust and feel safe and be myself with and as I grow in those friendships I think I will definitely be listening to their opinions of any potential dates – (which right now given how much I am enjoying being by myself for the most part – I am not willing to entertain the notion of an intimate relationship)…

And Rosa – I love the concept of giving enough rope and then observing – just observing – I am working to develop the observer in me – it is such a powerful place to be able to see and protect oneself from predators.

Yesterday – I was invited to a barbecue at a neighbors with my kids – I sent the kids (it was their daughters b-day) but I am still so uncomfortable with people I don’t know and I did not know if it would be other adults or just kids – so I hid at home for most of the day – trying to be out there in public socially is exhausting to me right now and does not feel safe. I have never felt like this before in my life and I’m not sure if this is healthy or not but I feel like I need to hibernate at times and protect myself from having to cope with others when I still feel so wiped out and vulnerable and sad. I hope that does not sound too selfish – I did go to 4th of July festivities at a gf’s house with friends – I just couldn’t do two days of people in a row – this is so different from how I used to be I’m a bit freaked out by it…

I believe my ex-husband is fond of seducing women who trust him and uses the workplace to find his targets. I also believe that he has been enabled by not only his family members but other executives that he has worked with. When he left me for a woman at the office (I too was a woman at the office), I contacted the Executive VP of Human Resources of the company and was told that my ex’s affair was just an error in judgment . I pointed out to him that it was the third time he has done the same thing and I received no response. My ex is highly respected and admired by his colleagues and his family. It is not easy to get people to understand that they are enablers.

Liam,

This article truly hits home! I have just recently started to correspond here asking for advice on how to survive as a family members who has been persistenly trying to get a known fraud, scammer and sociopath out of our nieces and her parents lives.

We have been basically kicked out of their lives after assisting in getting his fake financial business and personal life uncovered. They remain angry at us, and feel that ‘..we have caused them so much hurt’ – There is never a mention of what this S has done to their daughter or to the many victims that have come forward.

Even after his fraudulent business became media news and victims have filed civil suits against him that he has defaulted on…they seem to simply enable him more. The niece and her S husband are now living with her parents, in light of that we also know that his assets are frozen so we can only believe they are also financialy supporting him. I do beleive the S is still manipulating the situation with his lies and cover ups. The family has stated to us things like…”there is always two sides to a story’ type statement, or ‘…there is information we are not aware of!’ These are things they occassionaly try to get across to us in the very limited communication they allow. Yet we mostly hit a brick wall with them when we mention the true facts of this S manipulation, lies and fake facade.

Swallow – I do want to believe that they are truly unaware of the damage they are doing. And like you say do not or may just will not, comprehend the subleties of a sociopathic mind. I do know for sure that he ‘Factually and logically’ has disarmed us all and knows that the chaos created amongst us is to his benefit!

We have had NO CONTACT with the S for quite some time and basically onlu occassionally try to reach out to the family. This has been a very ‘Toxic’ situation. Along with the rest of our extended family we are all still worried about the S spouse and hoping she will come out of this at some point and make her way back to her friends and family. We remain here for her always. She is aware of this site and we truly hope she looks at it or someday will look at it.

We also were crucified by this family for telling people about the S fraudulent business and lies. We stay steadfast to your idea Liam, and to ours, he will never take $$$ or emotionally con anyone else we know. We will not enable him.

Thanks for outlining the above article. It makes us feel that we are not alone in what we are experiencing!
Happy ‘Independence Day’ to all of you!

“The truth is that unless friends and family members completely dissociate from the sociopath they will be called upon to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy and to cause to operate.”

I will add a few ‘enabling tactics’:

~Never checking out the ‘Red Flags’ that were pointed out and simply believing the S cover stories!
~Allowing and supporting their daughter to marry this S after hearing of the potential lies and fraud he was committing.
~Assisting their loved one in staying isolated from old friends and family.
~Burying their heads in the sand, ‘not wanting to get involved’.

“The whistle blower” whether or not they are in a business, government, or family situation, is seldom validated and often villified, attacked, devalued and “run out of town.”

Because the “whistle blower” is exposing “secrets” (either family, business, or government wrong doing) that the abusers do NOT want known they do their best to “kill the messanger” rather than to fix the problem the messanger exposes.

Look at all the political fall out lately and the business fall out from crooked government “servants” and “high flying money guys”—-The attempts to KEEP THE LID ON the secrets are unbelieveable, and now the wife of the SC governor is going to “forgive” her husband and hopefully save his political career. She had known about the affair since January one article said and had “refused him permission” to go see the woman “one more time” so he pulled this stunt of “sneaking” off…..his wife appears to me to still be in the FOG, and I feel for her and hope that she learns what this jerk REALLY is and WILL CONTINUE to be. (No, I don’t have a crystal ball, but I feel “safe” in making this prediction! LOL ROTFLMAO if that makes me “judgmental” then I guess I AM! LOL

OxDrover, you are so right about that! And I beleive you are correct regarding your prediction on the SC govenor!

Backatcha, we and other victims did report him, his ‘mask’ is peeled off, the law and government work very slowly however, but we await action at some future date!

Not soon enough for us!

Let me correct that, I hope it is sooner than later, for our nieces sake and sanity. What ever he gets for his crimes won’t affect us but could be the catalyst to breaking our niece out of the ‘fog’.

Hello catherine

I was looking at other blog sites and came across your yesterday. I really enjoyed reading it and thought you put a lot of feeling and heart into it. I like to put your link here and hope other members will read it. I hope you don’t mind? Personally your site help me seeing how the stories change but little and how if one involved with a s/p the outcome is always the same. The same emotional pain and confusion. The same way one sometimes will looks back and see things in a different light. The little things they did and if we review (relive) them how those times the mask slipped. Again I very much enjoy your site and thank you for creating it.

http://toogoodtobereal.blogspot.com/

Inquirente,

It pains me that because you “blew the whistle” on your neice’s psychopath that you are the ones being punished, and I hoope and pray that he gets what he deserves.

However, I do STRONGLY SUGGEST that you read the book “The Betrayal Bond” and it will explain what your neice is up against.

In the “original” report of the Stockholm syndrome, the hostages had only been with the bank robbers a day or so before they were rescued by police,but by that short time they were so BONDED to the robbers and their captors that two of the women waited 10 years until the robbers got out of prison and MARRIED THEM.

This trauma bond can be unbelieveably strong and maybe that is wher eyour neice is staying with this jerk even with PROOF he is a crook.

The thing that is so “crazy” about this (makes NO logical sense) is that it is something right before our eyes and we still can’t “see it”—-the Trauma Bond book is a godsend in helping us to understand why we (or anyone) could be bonded to these abusive monsters and still stay loyal nto them in the face of SOLID EVIDENCE.

It might help you to get a handle on the WHY all t his is taking place and help you realize that breaking that bond may be difficult (at best). My prayers.

James

I am glad that my blog helped you to understand your own experience – thanks for posting the link to it. I wrote the blog to try to help others and now I plan to publish a book based on my blog. Everything happens for a reason – my experience with my ex-husband has allowed me to grow in so many ways. It helped me to find my purpose in life.

I can’t say how much I appreciate the articles. I’m seeing how much my ex’s family has covered up for him and continues to do so. Still don’t know if he was in prison once or twice–magically he has persuade the local courts that is a non-issue and his lawyer is helping him. How far can this go?
Does a person have a snow’s chance in hades if they are dealing with a group or family of such individuals?

catherine,

This concept about everything has a reason is something I too believe in. Like the reason we first got involved with them. Being that we (most I believe) had issues in our past that allow us to be involved with these type of people. Why we put up with so much of their BS again something we had in ourselves. Then when the end came we again were able to rise above it and go on to become better then we were before. Was any of this just a coincidence? No, I don’t believe it was. There were strong issues/reasons and if we go back into our past I believe we will come to understand this. Yes, catherine this happen to us for a reason and I believe for some very good reasons. While all that is important what is really really important is what we all learn from it and what we are walk away with.

As for them? Well here is what is really ironic! Whenever we don’t learn from our past then we are destine to repeat it! Whenever we don’t take some degree of responsibility for our actions then we learn nothing!

Thanks OxDrover, I will pick up the book, Betrayal Bond. We thank you for your advise, I realize what we are up against. However, I have to continue to hope. We have for the past 10 months stopped obcessing,and trying to reach this niece or her parents. Because we realize there is not much we can do until she decides to break away.
We do try to keep a steady, yet kind, pressure on the authorities at least so that the case does not disappear. We have been assured that it will not. His case got ‘reprioritized’ due to all the banking/financial fraud cases that came up last fall!!
It is amazing, how in white collar crime, the wheels turn slowly! And it seems like the Socios/psychos all know it, so they play that game of delay, delay, delay and are extremely good at manipulating the system.

lostlittlegirl, we are up against the family as enablers as well. It does make it harder, yet the truth of the matter is our niece is the one who has to get strong, get out of isolation and know that she can get away, that means she also needs to get away from the family that are the enablers of her spouse (s) – their behavior encourages the S manipulation toward their daughter. At least that is how I see it.

I am the one who always tries to see the glass half full, my husband is sometimes the opposite. But between us we stay on an even keel!

Dear Lostlittle girl,

Sweetie, it is a long process and many people do not “get it” what you are going through, even some therapists can’t “get it”—-one of my friends who was getting away from a P told her therapist and the therapist said “Well, have you tried to talk to him about this?” DUH???? You cannot “talk to” a psychopath about anything, they twist reality!

My own youngest son is a P, in prison for murder for over 20 years and guess what, my egg donor thinks I am being “mean to him” and “unforgiving” to him, after he tried to have me killed by a former cell mate of his because I cut him off from an inheritence. So, she keeps sending him money! What does he do with money? Of course he communicates with more of his “buddies” to find another person to try to kill me.

I finally accepted that my son is a monster, but my egg donor cannot accept her grandson is a monster—so she makes me into a monster for being so “mean” to the poor darling, and trying to KEEP him in prison (where I think he belongs) so what can I do? No contact with her, no contact with him. Go on with my life. Do the best I can, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. And, I keep praying.

I realize this may not be the right place to post this question, but can any of you direct me to a messageboard or online group where people support each other through the healing process? I am completely alone in dealing with the pain, still constantly tempted to call him, apologize (for what, your guess would be as good as mine) and other embarrassingly weak thoughts as well. I really need help and support. This is without a doubt the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with, and I KNOW going back is not the answer… I think that finding people who have “been there” to chat with is what I desperately need at this time!

Overwhelmed – I personally dont know of a better place than here to seek support. If there is someone here that would trade email address’s or phone numbers, that would be good support. When I was still in the stage you are at I scared all my friends away talking about it so much. Finding someone who understand’s and can be supportive would be wonderful. Maybe Alanon or a womens abuse center could give you some support. But this message board and group of people are the best..I exchanged phone numbers with a couple of lovefraud peeps early on and they were very supportive. Please understand what you are feeling is very normal and we all know it is the most difficult thing to endure and overcome. Read read read – blog blog blog – post post post ask anything and someone will respond – you will get through this and find your self again…..

Dear Overwhelmed,

The information here in the articles in the archives are wonderful and KNOWLEDGE=POWER and it is all about taking back our power.

Personally, I would recommend that you READ READ READ as well as blog here. 99.9% of your questions will be answered in the articles already on here, and the people here are supportive and caring. I’ve been here almost two years, some others have been here a year + (Henry for one) and others only a week or so, or a month or two, but this is a great place with great, caring and compassionate people who DO GET IT and have been through the traumas of dealing with a psychopath. God bless you.

Dear Overwhelmed, I echo Henry’s and OxDrover’s comments. You have come to the right place for healing. There isn’t a one of us who hasn’t experienced the pain that you are feeling. We do understand.

I’m sorry for your painful circumstances that brought you here but be assured that if you read, post, and read, and post that you will find the solace for your pain that you are seeking.

Wish I could wave a magic wand to hurry the process along but that is impossible. How about imagining that I, a stranger, am hugging you tight and stroking your hair, assuring that you will be okay? It is what I am imagining right now.

Hang on, you’ve made it this far. You’ll make it the rest of the way to a healthy, happy life. You are just stronger than you think you are right now. Bellieve it. I do.

My sociopath was enabled by his son and daughter-in-law. I was used as a place for him to hide from federal charges for stealing government property. They helped him hide the truth from me, while I married him and supported him. He said to me after the wedding, “if this doesn’t work out I will just walk off and you won’t be any worse of” After 6 months of emotional abuse and threats of physical abuse he went to federal prison. Only for 5 months though when he should have gotten 10 years. Such is the power of a sociopath to talk his way out.

Dear archerjf,

Welcome to Lovefraud, sorry that you “qualify” for “membership” in our “club”—sounds like you defintely were done a number on, and yes, they can talk their way out of a lot sometimes. Not always, but waaay too many times.

I echo NewLitly’s welcome to overwhelmed (aren’t we all over whelmed at one point or another?) Stay around here, this is definitely a healing place and it does take TIME to grasp this all and then to heal. Again, welcome, and god bless.

Hello lf memebers. I have been a silent member for about 6 months. I have been trying to figure out if my x bf is a “s”. i feel like i have lost my way. I am petrified of finding out he is not a s and it will disappoint me because then why did he not love me enough. I met him 2 years ago, he was in a Marines uniform. I am going to skip how i met him and how i got to helping him out. it is too long. He was somewhat a drifter he had no home. He was very charming and extremely attractive (movie star looks, and boy was he an actor). He convinced me that he had a very successful buisness “tree climber” and going into marines his partner deceived him and took all his belongings. Well, i was so fasinated by this man who i will call RF, he convinced me to invest in a buisness. long story short he conned me lied to my heart, stole from me, like my car, kids expensive toys, credit cards, took out loans for him, almost remortgaged my house, financed a dump truck, told me that a motorcycle was needed so he can ride it instead of drinking.. He charged my cc for the buisness in 1 month 17gs. Then he forced me into taking a loan out for 20gs, saying i already dug myself in deep so i have to keep going, i was scared so scared, i took out from my kids accounts over 20gs, and in cash over 100gs, that was for bailing him out of jail numerous times. He took advantage of me and kept saying it was for our future, he lied to people we were married, i found out he was not in the marines he was dishonorably discharged, he wore the uniform to get a good impression. He mentally and physiclally abused me, he cheated on me and said ‘So what” he lied he would convert to my religion Islam, i later found out he was making fun of me behind my back. He bragged to his friends that i spent over 300gs on him, he never once gave me a dime. I was so brainwashed by this guy, because he was so in love with me like he said, i believed him. When i was alone I thought about all the stupid things he convinced me into doing, because if i didn’t i would ruin his life, i would say to myself that is it no more, than when i see him i go into a trance. He is a compulsive liar, a drug addict too, i found out much later that he was a drug addict, too late i fell in love for the first time in my life and i was 37 years old and finally found out what being in love meant. Ok it is a real long story i am going to let it end cause i am real tired. Ok i am still obesessed with him, he left me as soon as he found a woman that was vuleneralbe like me, she has a home for him to live in, in the first week he met her he proposed marraige to her.. like he did me. he emailed me saying it was all my fault and he needed to move on, just a day before he was telling me that he was conning her so he can save me money and to stop acting jealous. I tried to warn her that i think he is a sociopath but she thinks i am just a waco because he told her i was.. so when i told her how and what he did to me and how he lied to me and lied to her that i was just an employee of his and he is a successful buisness man when i paid for all the equipment, phone, home, and trucks, she believed him and not me. I am a big mess big finicial mess, i might loss my house because he will not give me back my equipement like a 9500 chipper and a truck that i paid for but is registered in his name. He said it is all his, everything is my fault when all i did was love him and try to give him back his life. While in the process of doing that i lost my whole entire life. Most of all i lost my diginity, trust, and pride. he crused me. He never said sorry just left and moved on. I invested my entire life and decieved God for this man. I was being used until i ran out of money and he moved on to the next vicitim. Is he a S or am i just stupid.

Just to give you a background, he is not liked by the people in his town because he constantly was currupting the town, south jersey shore is where he came from and moved up north to start fresh. He is pretty well known up in this area now because he is known for lieing and taking people’s deposits andnot finishing the work. He would blame the customers for it. He also lied to the judge. He wore his Marines uniform (dishonorably discharged) and told him he was speeding due to chasing a criminal the judge believed him. I could not believe it the balls he had, he was never scared of getting caught… His whole entire family ran to a different state to avoid him. they warned me but i did not believe this beautiful man can be so evil. He hates working… very lazy. I paid for his living expense for almost 3 years. like i said in the other post he found another woman because i ran out of money. Please help me. All i think of doing is getting revenge, tring to put him in jail, tring to get the other woman to see him for who he is,, I am angry with her too, and feel so angry at myself for wanting her to suffer like i did because she didnt believe me.

pride38… I am so glad you wrote, it takes a lot of strength to write about something like this, you’ve still got some dignity and pride left, you can build on that. He sounds like an S to me! I did a lot of the things you did, I don’t think I’m stupid but I am at that stage where I wonder why I would let myself be treated like that (for years!!!) Please don’t feel like you have lost everything, you have children, they are wonderful, keep writing, I know you’ve been reading for 6 months so you know a lot of us are in the same boat. I am in a financial mess, but I just am not going to give up!! Don’t worry right now about this other woman, you gave her warning, forget about her, think about you, be kind to you the way you are being kind to her. This is just terrible, I’ve read many times that sociopaths impersonate “men in uniform”. I did the same thing you did, I started helping someone and I just got so caught up in everything, it was like a whirlwind, more like a tornado I was stuck in going round and round. I like the screen name you picked out “pride38”, he can’t take that away from you, he can’t take your soul, you’re still here, you’re going to get through this, please keep writing, I know how devastated and lonely you feel, you are in my prayers, we care about you here.

pride38… I have been the same way, of course when somebody told me they loved me I believed them, it took me a long time to grasp that there are such evil people running around, predators. It feels like breaking an addiction, because it is an addiction, it is painful to go through, reading and writing here at LF has really helped me, there are so many good articles, and thousands of great posts to read from the other bloggers, such good advice and it is all so real and comes from everyone’s heart. You’re still here, putting one foot in front of the other, and that is how every journey starts, this one is a journey of healing. Perhaps you read the article Oxy wrote a couple of months ago about being on the road to healing, sometimes some of us go down the road kicking and fighting it, but we always continue, it’s an ongoing process, we’ll be here for you.

Great article Liane:
I EB was an enabeler for 28 years. When I gave up the ‘position’ I was quickly replaced by the S’s brother and wife and S’s ‘friends’.
I see how they all alienated me and the kids immediately, because rumor had it, I was ‘mentally ill’….diagnosed by ‘Dr. S’……Not sure when he got his phd….but at any rate….
The splitting and alienation started immediately and was successful with his ‘side’.
I will sit back and one day, the SIL will be the target again…..oh, the sick messages she would leave for him…”hi, this is your favorite SIL, just calling to say I love you”…..uuuggg BARF!
She was a knarly target when she had her severely handicapped daughter, years ago…..the S was horrid to her, blaming her for her daughters disabilities to anyone and everyone….you get the pic.
It’ll come back around!
So….today, I spent several hours ‘getting to know’ my rental apt.’s neighbors…..
OMG….I heard stories that gave me chills.
The S’ (while he lived in my rental) preyed on the neighbors teen daughters……the mother didn’t think much of it, the fathe did. They argued (funny how that always happens)…..On 4th of July, he took the girls up a mountain and left one mid way, in the dark, because she couldn’t make it, she passed out…..so naturally he left her….she was of no use to him…..he took the 15 year old up to watch the fireworks…..eeeessshhhh…..this creeps me out.
I enlightened her on my ‘journey’ and by my words, she ‘got it’. I ran home and came back with a bit of documentation, and pictures and asked if they were of her daughters…..one was! OH

pride38… I am worried about you, I have been thinking about you a lot. You asked for our help and I know everyone here will support you. Please write again, it will help you sort everything out.

Pride38

I relate to the falling for the charm, how quickly he moved in on you using his good looks…a very powerful seduction….do not blame yourself for that, you being a normal human being were so impressed by the illusion he ACTED OUT it would take extraordinary wisdom to not go for it….My ex P had the predatory stare thing going on, which I interpreted as “smouldering good looks” He would stare at me lovingly, but in hindesight it had all the warmth of a shark surveying his dinner…you were Devoured by AN ACT, AN ILLUSION and its the illusion of him you grieve for now…not the person…there is no person….the only person there was you

pride38: I hope you are reading LF today and will post something just to let us know how you are doing!!!

That’s some great advice for people who don’t know much about personality disorders Dr Leedom – you’ve given clear behavioural indicators and quantified them – that is useful. I particularly like what you said about not dismissing the label of sociopath out of hand until proven false. Familial and relational ties can definitely make all of us do things to help sociopaths that we wouldn’t normally do. let’s not forget either their incredible ability to emotionally blackmail by invoking fear, obligation and guilt. We tend to give those close to us extra chances with their behaviour, but should be very very careful. I know I certainly will be in the future.

Have to say when the sociopath is a psychiatrit well versed in personality disorders, then educates her enablers (my family) about anti-social PD (that she has assigned to me); the script is set in concrete. This is unbelievably hard.

The enablers are speaking classic enabler dialogue. They are labelling or identifing perceptive observations within myself (or elder sister, a fellow target), again and again, but not actually figuring it out. They are actually close to the truth, but they don’t get it. Over the decades my brothers have noticed certain behaviour (in me), but couldnt identify WHYYYY I behaved certain ways. So they were always a breath away from saying what I was screaming at them in my body language.

Another way to describe what my brothers are doing:

There’s a red box on the table; I ask the enablers (my brothers) “What’s that on the table”. They answer “It’s a red”.

They are simply unable to identify the box; they can only SEE the red. The box is the vital thing about the object, they only see/say the colour, what they see (our physical behaviour) on the outside. Because they have been chosen as enablers they seem to be carefully chosen ones – certain gender/very healthy, clearly not abused people.

They use the target’s ally to be a pawn (doing the nasty), as they know the pawn is likely to act out of ‘concern’ for the sociopath’s target (their friend). After the nasty has been committed, the pawn quickly realises what’s happened and they too end up targets as the first target naturally falls out with their best friend (the pawn) who was manipulated to betray. So the sociopth has two trophies – the caring pawn (they despise) and their original target.

Attempting to defend myself I am threatened with libel and slander from the sociopath and then my sister (she learns and echoes everything the socipath says – so I hear the same dialogue twice!)

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