Sociopaths/psychopaths commit a disproportionate amount of both violent and non-violent crime in all Western countries. Today is July 4th or American Independence Day, so I am going to take this opportunity to ask that friends and family members of sociopaths stop enabling them.
According to Webster’s Online Dictionary the word enable means:
1 a: to provide with the means or opportunity
b: to make possible, practical, or easy
c: to cause to operate
In her book A Dance With the Devil, (which I highly recommend) Barbara Bentley gives many poignant examples of enabling as she describes how her psychopathic husband accomplished his antisocial goals.
The most shocking of many examples is found on page 271 where she describes how her former husband was paroled after serving only 22 months in jail for trying to murder her:
“”¦a former Two Star business associate who worked as a civilian contractor for the Navy, had vouched for John and gave him a place to stay, along with backing John’s plan to start a plant import business.”
On page 350 Barbara explains that this former business associate also introduced John to his next victim. John moved in on that victim quickly, moving in with her within two weeks of the introduction. He conned at least $65,000 from that woman and also beat her.
This story also goes to show that one “favor” done for a sociopath/psychopath turns into many and culminates in the victimization of innocent people.
The truth is that unless friends and family members completely dissociate from the sociopath they will be called upon to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy and to cause to operate.
Here are some other examples of enabling that have come to my attention over the years:
1. Lying for the sociopath in and out of court.
2. Not speaking up when the sociopath tells untrue stories or a bold faced lie to another person in front of the friend/family member.
3. Going with the sociopath to meetings with a parole officer so that the sociopath “looks good.”
4. Helping the sociopath gain custody or unsupervised visitation with children he/she had victimized leading to further victimization of the children.
5. Giving the sociopath money so that he/she seems well off as he/she courts victims.
6. Inviting the sociopath and victims to family gatherings so victims think sociopath is a contributing member of a loving family.
7. Telling victims half truths about the sociopath, eg. Discussing only his/her “good qualities.”
8. Providing the sociopath with transportation to a place where he/she then committed a crime.
9. Sending flowers to sociopath’s next victim on behalf of the sociopath, even when that family member knew the sociopath had a prior trail of at least 4 other victims and is a sex offender.
10. Spying on other people for the sociopath and reporting on their whereabouts and activities.
11. Calling people on behalf of the sociopath.
Many of the specific acts of enabling listed above were done by people who I believe just did not fully comprehend what the sociopath was up to. Tragically these acts of enabling that led to people being harmed were done by enablers who were trying to be kind or polite.
I offer the following guidelines for the friends and family members of sociopaths or suspected sociopaths.
If you know someone has been in jail more than once and/ or has been convicted of more than one felony get away from that person immediately and certainly NEVER help him or her. Criminal recidivism and versatility are two very important signs of psychopathy. Criminal versatility means participating in different kinds of crimes.
If a former spouse claims someone you know is a sociopath, do not dismiss the allegations. During the course of a divorce many nasty things are said but, the usual divorce does not contain that allegation. So instead of giving a potential sociopath the benefit of the doubt, take in all the facts and believe the former spouse until the allegation is proven false. Certainly, in such cases, do not help the alleged sociopath. Do not take such a big risk; a sin of omission is not as bad as a sin committed.
If a member of your family has had many relationships, partnerships or marriages where he or she has lied or has been otherwise unfaithful to the partnership, do not invite that individual to any family gatherings. Certainly do not introduce the probable sociopath to any potential partners, either romantic or business. Do not allow the potential sociopath to use your family gatherings or introductions as a venue for his/her operation.
Now you may be wondering why friends and family who are not sociopaths themselves do all the enabling I have described above. Motives vary, but people have a very hard time giving up on the sociopath and admitting his/her true nature. They are trying to be polite and also at times trying to pawn the sociopath off on someone else. As they do the pawning they don’t acknowledge to themselves that the sociopath is really a predator/parasite, they just consider him/her a nuisance.
Please comment on what I have written here by sharing your own examples of enabling by friends and family members. Try to keep comments focused on that topic so people reading this can see more examples. If you have been an enabler, confess it by telling your story in a way that does not identify you but that gets it off your chest. Then, vow today to do the right thing for your country (society) and never enable again.
Get your copy of A Dance with the Devil!
“The truth is that unless friends and family members completely dissociate from the sociopath they will be called upon to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy and to cause to operate.”
This is more true than anyone can understand. The S’s probation officer showed up at our church a few times. Because everyone maintains such a good front, he thought the S was “reformed”.
Elizabeth,
Thank you for that example. In cases like this where the group (church) does not have cause to prevent the alleged sociopath from attending, I suggest that the leader take the probation officer, or potential victim aside and say this:
__________ attendance at our church (group function) should not be taken as our implicit endorsement of him/her. We cannot vouch for this person one way or the other.
My former mil is an enabler extraordinaire. She would vouch for his lies, give him money hand over fist (without my knowledge), pay for lawyers fees, virulently insist he was a “good person”, pay off victims to prevent them involving the authorities, return items he had stolen (when they hadn’t actually been pawned off or otherwise disappeared already), keep him in one of her houses- paying all the bills, buying him groceries, doing his laundry, and cleaning up after him), whine and moan occasionally- but never DO ANYTHING about the things he stole from her, and preach his innocence over and over. In my world, none of this ever occurred to me. My parents would have kicked my worthless butt to the curb! I never dreamed that people actually live like this.
I noticed, later on, that when anyone said anything negative about him (which was OFTEN), her eyes would glaze over and you’d get the impression she was singing “Yankee Doodle Dandy” in her head- or anything else as long as she wasn’t hearing the bad news about “her baby.” Every evil and criminal act he commits on family, friends, associates, neighbors, even her, becomes “misunderstandings.” She NEVER assigns the blame where it lies. And “it” lies ALOT.
She was always very involved in our lives. Looking back, I think that was damage control. If I threw his worthless hide out, she’d have to deal with him again. I do believe she pawned him off on me. I know my house was much calmer once I threw him out- so in that respect, I can’t blame her for not wanting him around. But it was unforgivable to pawn him off on a single mother with a young daughter. Knowing what I know now, and the puzzle I came up with once I could see all the pieces, I KNOW SHE KNEW he has a penchant for young girls.
So driven in her denial to “prove” that he was really a “good person,” she sacrificed my daughter and I…and eventually the 2 boys I had with him. She refuses to see what he is to the point that I think she’s a bit “Socio by Proxy” (nod to Oxy.). He was doing coke off the bibles in her Christian bookstore, hosting teen beer bashes, and leaving her the mess to clean up and STILL she refused to see that anything was wrong! The last woman (like me) he was dating before he went to prison told me she talked to his mother EVERY SINGLE DAY. Yup, I said. And I hope they don’t eat you alive like they did me. She didn’t want to hear it. I don’t know if she is still in contact with the mother or pining away for the monster. I tried.
She helped with the crazy making. NO MATTER what he did, how long he disappeared for, she was always RIGHT THERE to tell me how he “loves me so much, he’s always telling me how’d he’d never hurt you.” Blah. Blah. Blech.
If I ever date again, number one prerequisite is a dead momma. I’m done with crazy, enabling mil’s. I’m 2 for 2.
A huge red flag for me, and I tell my single friends and my sisters and my daughter, is a meddling (enabling?) mother. If you break up because you suspect the guy is a loser and HIS MOTHER calls you- RUN FOR THE HILLS. No grown up, fully formed MAN needs his mommy to run interference in his love life. RUN.
After what happened to me (and my daughter- she was sucked in by the sociopath too) and recently my sister dated a total douche…we have a family pact now. If we all HATE your romantic interest, there has to be a reason- and it’s not YOU. Rather than ASSUMING that we KNOW the family wants to see us happy, it’s been SPOKEN that we, as a whole, would never want to chase away happiness…but that we all have CREEP radar now…even if ONE person’s is malfunctioning. If you are a member of a loving, supportive family and the family HATES your date; there just might be a reason.
I heard recently the xmil was trying to organize a support group for him and raise money for his prison account…he’s a poor innocent soul whose evil wife (who was once and often referred to as “the best thing that ever happened to him”) and stepdaughter lied about him and sent him to jail- through NO FAULT of his own, don’t ya know? His name still appears on our church bulletin birthday list- my daughter and I have been removed.
Dear Liane,
Thanks for this GREAT article. I would change the title though from “Unpatriotic” to “MURDEROUS!” LOL
As I have stated before, as Glinda pointed out, my TOXICLY enabling egg donor giving money to my P-son in prison after he tried to have me killed by one of his ex-cell mates who was diagnosed as ASPD while in prison for 3 counts of child molestation, is just as dangerous to me as he is because she is making it POSSIBLE for him to mount another atttack.
Her behavior is “Psychopathic-by-proy” in my opinion. As Glinda has had trouble with her x MILs, I have the same problem with my egg donor. My two sons who are not P have both taken the stance that Glinda and her family have about future romantic relationships—if one of us have a “P-dar” go off then all bets are off with that partner. And really, it isn’t just a “P-dar” but a TOXICISITY INDICATOR, not everyone who is toxic is a psychopath, but may in fact be an enabler type, or a “needy” type or any one of the cluster B groupp.
What is also sooooo frustrating to me is that the enabler many times “comes off as” such a “kind and caring” person when in fact, their “kindness” is like a person who keeps on protecting A RABID DOG THAT KEEPS ON BITING PEOPLE.
Ive never had a problem “putting down” a DANGEROUS animal, no matter how “attached” I was to that animal, because I don’t want that animal to cause me or any one else serious injury. That was why we developed the (tongue in cheek) “rule” around here about “bigger AND meaner”. If an animal is bigger AND meaner than I am then it GOES! It can be smaller and meaner (so i can control it) or bigger, but “not as mean”, but if it is BOTH bigger AND meaner, then it goes!
In the past, I too, have BEEN an enabler with my P-son, and with others, some Ps and some not….and failed completely in setting boundaries in my attempts to “help” these people who did NOT WANT TO HELP THEMSELVES, but wanted someone else to take responsibility for their needs.
Of course, at the time, I told myself I was “helping” them and “giving them another chance” etc. but in fact, I was allowing them to USE ME and I was providing them things that they should have provided for themselves.
Enabling can be a “big” thing like going someone’s bail, or as “small” as picking up your kid’s clothes off the floor where they have thrown them….sometimes it seems “easier” to pick up your kid’s clothes than to go find them, and remind them to pick those clothes up themselves. As you pick up the kid’s clothes, though, you start harboring a bit of resentment, then each time you do it, you start to harbor more, then, eventually they drop the clothes once too often and you “blow up” about it, then for a few days they may pick them up, but before long it is back to dropping them on the floor again. This cycle will continue until YOU set a boundary and stick to it.
I am, at age 62, learning to set boundaries with people in my life….whether it is my adult son dropping his clothing in the bathroom, or my “X-friends” leaving a moving van full of stuff in my storage building and not coming to get it on the date I gave them (with 90 days notice) which has now passed by 34 days….
Being consistent with boundaries, and avoiding people who do not respect yours OR OTHER PEOPLE’S BOUNDAIRES is important to our mental and emotional health. Sometimes to our physical and financial health as well.
I’ve had people ask me, “How could you just turn your back on your mother?” My answer is “because she enables the people who are trying to kill me.” My sons and I set the boundary that it was “him or us” and she chose to enable him rather than have a relationship with us, so we are NC with both her and him. She trivalizes our concerns, and “doesn’t believe” he had anything to do with it, which of course she has seen the EVIDENCE in his own hand writing that he DID plan it out—
Learning to NOT be an enabler has been a challenge for me, but I am learning to set boundaries and to stick with them. It is liberating for ME!
This is a tremendous read – Glinda and OxDrover – great examples – really great – I wish I had been able to “see” so clearly before – but thank God every day that I have been ripping the rose colored glasses off even though I had them super glued to my face before…
Thanks for the kids clothes on the floor bit too – I have a 9 & 7 year old and yes – it is tiring at first but ultimately easier to set and keep boundaries… My kids have been my best teachers in some ways as how I try to raise them is right and I should apply the same standards to others…
How I could give a pass to a grown “man” (monster is what he is) and yet be solid with my kids – well – yuck …
Dear Breck girl,
I set solid boundaries for my kids about things like picking up their clothes and toys when they were VERY little, but I did NOT do the same thing with the Ps in my life. I wish I had, and then, when my youngest biological kid turned out to BE A Psychopath, I enabled him WAAAAAY tooooo much! (any would be TOO MUCH) but fortunately, I EVENTUALLY saw what I was doing and STOPPED, so…he tried to have me killed for cutting off his inheritence that he thinks he is ENTITLED TO. “If you own it, they deserve it” (not sure who said that, but gosh is it TRUE!)
I have actually seen instances where a woman I believe is a psychopath ENABLED her psychopathic son over and over….DUH! That one boggles me, but I swear it is true. LOL
I set boundaries for her son after he stole a few things around here, and she refused to set solid boundaries for him after he STOLE A GRREAT MANY THINGS from HER.
She also has stolen from me, and I set boundaries for her, which she VIOLATED. For several reasons (none of which are any longer valid) I was not able to go NC completely with her, but now that those reasons are a moot point, I am NC with her, her son and her husband as well. Her husband isn’t a P, but he might as well be as he enables her as well as their son, as well as expects me to enable him. He was a witness in a court case my husband filed before his death 5 years ago and I NEEDED this man’s “goodwill” for that case, the case has now been settled so I no longer have to even “pretend” that they aren’t toxic users and abusers and I no longer have to associate with them even in a limited way. WHOOPIE!!!!!!
Louise,
Your courage is amazing. I, too, extracted myself from a sociopath 2 1/2 months ago. The relationship robbed me of 42 years of my life, but I find joy in my life today. I volunteer at a local Hospice, as well as at the senior center close to my home. I am involved with my church, my children and my elderly mother. I went to my support group this morning and then out for coffee at a local favorite place with my women friends and we giggled ourselves silly.
True, I will never be the same and if I camp out with the feelings I still feel as if I cannot endure what happened to me, but with God I can do all things.
I wrote to Oprah after watching a program on her show of abusive relationships to share my views. Just a few months ago I didn’t know how I could go on. I still grieve someplace deep within me. When I read stories like yours, it reinforces that I am not alone. Thanks for taking the time to share the bravery you exude on this day of freedom. We know what that means, don’t we?
The problem is, sometimes no one realizes what they are dealing with. My sister-in-law was related to the BTK serial killer through marriage, and had no idea of what he was. He was at family gatherings in her house and bounced family children on his knee.
When I left one job, I did tell HR that they should give an entitlement test to one person. I didn’t really work with her and was leaving the company on good terms, but I wouldn’t have felt right about leaving without sharing my opinion that she was ultimately going to destroy people’s lives.
Also when a girlfriend wanted to go work for someone, I warned her that he was a narcissist and capable of great rage and that she was making a huge mistake. She went anyway, and in less than 9 months they had both been fired from key top positions.
Fortunatly I have a couple friend to spend the 4th with to take my mind off of this.
I wish she didn’t take him back. What kind of a woman actually believes her kid will be ok being rasied by a sociopath?
I spent months trying to convince her and help.
She broke my heart and ran back to him.
Justabouthealed: I agree. I think people don’t realize it. EVERYONE thought my husband was the greatest husband and father. One of his co-workers called him “Mr. Cleaver” from leave it to beaver when we went to meet him for lunch at work one day. We met him for lunch in July when our daughter was 2 months old. Well a year later I found out my husband had impregnated his mistress/subordinate that same month we met him for lunch!
But when I first started dating him I thought he was wonderful also. His girlfriend that I didn’t believe they were together got my number from his phone and tried to warn me that they were still together and that he would spend the night, etc. But I still didn’t believe it. Now I do…a little too late 🙂
I believe the family and friends need to be hurt or manipulated in some way by the S to really know.