Sociopaths/psychopaths commit a disproportionate amount of both violent and non-violent crime in all Western countries. Today is July 4th or American Independence Day, so I am going to take this opportunity to ask that friends and family members of sociopaths stop enabling them.
According to Webster’s Online Dictionary the word enable means:
1 a: to provide with the means or opportunity
b: to make possible, practical, or easy
c: to cause to operate
In her book A Dance With the Devil, (which I highly recommend) Barbara Bentley gives many poignant examples of enabling as she describes how her psychopathic husband accomplished his antisocial goals.
The most shocking of many examples is found on page 271 where she describes how her former husband was paroled after serving only 22 months in jail for trying to murder her:
“”¦a former Two Star business associate who worked as a civilian contractor for the Navy, had vouched for John and gave him a place to stay, along with backing John’s plan to start a plant import business.”
On page 350 Barbara explains that this former business associate also introduced John to his next victim. John moved in on that victim quickly, moving in with her within two weeks of the introduction. He conned at least $65,000 from that woman and also beat her.
This story also goes to show that one “favor” done for a sociopath/psychopath turns into many and culminates in the victimization of innocent people.
The truth is that unless friends and family members completely dissociate from the sociopath they will be called upon to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy and to cause to operate.
Here are some other examples of enabling that have come to my attention over the years:
1. Lying for the sociopath in and out of court.
2. Not speaking up when the sociopath tells untrue stories or a bold faced lie to another person in front of the friend/family member.
3. Going with the sociopath to meetings with a parole officer so that the sociopath “looks good.”
4. Helping the sociopath gain custody or unsupervised visitation with children he/she had victimized leading to further victimization of the children.
5. Giving the sociopath money so that he/she seems well off as he/she courts victims.
6. Inviting the sociopath and victims to family gatherings so victims think sociopath is a contributing member of a loving family.
7. Telling victims half truths about the sociopath, eg. Discussing only his/her “good qualities.”
8. Providing the sociopath with transportation to a place where he/she then committed a crime.
9. Sending flowers to sociopath’s next victim on behalf of the sociopath, even when that family member knew the sociopath had a prior trail of at least 4 other victims and is a sex offender.
10. Spying on other people for the sociopath and reporting on their whereabouts and activities.
11. Calling people on behalf of the sociopath.
Many of the specific acts of enabling listed above were done by people who I believe just did not fully comprehend what the sociopath was up to. Tragically these acts of enabling that led to people being harmed were done by enablers who were trying to be kind or polite.
I offer the following guidelines for the friends and family members of sociopaths or suspected sociopaths.
If you know someone has been in jail more than once and/ or has been convicted of more than one felony get away from that person immediately and certainly NEVER help him or her. Criminal recidivism and versatility are two very important signs of psychopathy. Criminal versatility means participating in different kinds of crimes.
If a former spouse claims someone you know is a sociopath, do not dismiss the allegations. During the course of a divorce many nasty things are said but, the usual divorce does not contain that allegation. So instead of giving a potential sociopath the benefit of the doubt, take in all the facts and believe the former spouse until the allegation is proven false. Certainly, in such cases, do not help the alleged sociopath. Do not take such a big risk; a sin of omission is not as bad as a sin committed.
If a member of your family has had many relationships, partnerships or marriages where he or she has lied or has been otherwise unfaithful to the partnership, do not invite that individual to any family gatherings. Certainly do not introduce the probable sociopath to any potential partners, either romantic or business. Do not allow the potential sociopath to use your family gatherings or introductions as a venue for his/her operation.
Now you may be wondering why friends and family who are not sociopaths themselves do all the enabling I have described above. Motives vary, but people have a very hard time giving up on the sociopath and admitting his/her true nature. They are trying to be polite and also at times trying to pawn the sociopath off on someone else. As they do the pawning they don’t acknowledge to themselves that the sociopath is really a predator/parasite, they just consider him/her a nuisance.
Please comment on what I have written here by sharing your own examples of enabling by friends and family members. Try to keep comments focused on that topic so people reading this can see more examples. If you have been an enabler, confess it by telling your story in a way that does not identify you but that gets it off your chest. Then, vow today to do the right thing for your country (society) and never enable again.
Get your copy of A Dance with the Devil!
EB – I love what you are doing with your friend – I have found as I am slowly recovering that there are people that care about me – that I can trust and feel safe and be myself with and as I grow in those friendships I think I will definitely be listening to their opinions of any potential dates – (which right now given how much I am enjoying being by myself for the most part – I am not willing to entertain the notion of an intimate relationship)…
And Rosa – I love the concept of giving enough rope and then observing – just observing – I am working to develop the observer in me – it is such a powerful place to be able to see and protect oneself from predators.
Yesterday – I was invited to a barbecue at a neighbors with my kids – I sent the kids (it was their daughters b-day) but I am still so uncomfortable with people I don’t know and I did not know if it would be other adults or just kids – so I hid at home for most of the day – trying to be out there in public socially is exhausting to me right now and does not feel safe. I have never felt like this before in my life and I’m not sure if this is healthy or not but I feel like I need to hibernate at times and protect myself from having to cope with others when I still feel so wiped out and vulnerable and sad. I hope that does not sound too selfish – I did go to 4th of July festivities at a gf’s house with friends – I just couldn’t do two days of people in a row – this is so different from how I used to be I’m a bit freaked out by it…
I believe my ex-husband is fond of seducing women who trust him and uses the workplace to find his targets. I also believe that he has been enabled by not only his family members but other executives that he has worked with. When he left me for a woman at the office (I too was a woman at the office), I contacted the Executive VP of Human Resources of the company and was told that my ex’s affair was just an error in judgment . I pointed out to him that it was the third time he has done the same thing and I received no response. My ex is highly respected and admired by his colleagues and his family. It is not easy to get people to understand that they are enablers.
Liam,
This article truly hits home! I have just recently started to correspond here asking for advice on how to survive as a family members who has been persistenly trying to get a known fraud, scammer and sociopath out of our nieces and her parents lives.
We have been basically kicked out of their lives after assisting in getting his fake financial business and personal life uncovered. They remain angry at us, and feel that ‘..we have caused them so much hurt’ – There is never a mention of what this S has done to their daughter or to the many victims that have come forward.
Even after his fraudulent business became media news and victims have filed civil suits against him that he has defaulted on…they seem to simply enable him more. The niece and her S husband are now living with her parents, in light of that we also know that his assets are frozen so we can only believe they are also financialy supporting him. I do beleive the S is still manipulating the situation with his lies and cover ups. The family has stated to us things like…”there is always two sides to a story’ type statement, or ‘…there is information we are not aware of!’ These are things they occassionaly try to get across to us in the very limited communication they allow. Yet we mostly hit a brick wall with them when we mention the true facts of this S manipulation, lies and fake facade.
Swallow – I do want to believe that they are truly unaware of the damage they are doing. And like you say do not or may just will not, comprehend the subleties of a sociopathic mind. I do know for sure that he ‘Factually and logically’ has disarmed us all and knows that the chaos created amongst us is to his benefit!
We have had NO CONTACT with the S for quite some time and basically onlu occassionally try to reach out to the family. This has been a very ‘Toxic’ situation. Along with the rest of our extended family we are all still worried about the S spouse and hoping she will come out of this at some point and make her way back to her friends and family. We remain here for her always. She is aware of this site and we truly hope she looks at it or someday will look at it.
We also were crucified by this family for telling people about the S fraudulent business and lies. We stay steadfast to your idea Liam, and to ours, he will never take $$$ or emotionally con anyone else we know. We will not enable him.
Thanks for outlining the above article. It makes us feel that we are not alone in what we are experiencing!
Happy ‘Independence Day’ to all of you!
“The truth is that unless friends and family members completely dissociate from the sociopath they will be called upon to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy and to cause to operate.”
I will add a few ‘enabling tactics’:
~Never checking out the ‘Red Flags’ that were pointed out and simply believing the S cover stories!
~Allowing and supporting their daughter to marry this S after hearing of the potential lies and fraud he was committing.
~Assisting their loved one in staying isolated from old friends and family.
~Burying their heads in the sand, ‘not wanting to get involved’.
“The whistle blower” whether or not they are in a business, government, or family situation, is seldom validated and often villified, attacked, devalued and “run out of town.”
Because the “whistle blower” is exposing “secrets” (either family, business, or government wrong doing) that the abusers do NOT want known they do their best to “kill the messanger” rather than to fix the problem the messanger exposes.
Look at all the political fall out lately and the business fall out from crooked government “servants” and “high flying money guys”—-The attempts to KEEP THE LID ON the secrets are unbelieveable, and now the wife of the SC governor is going to “forgive” her husband and hopefully save his political career. She had known about the affair since January one article said and had “refused him permission” to go see the woman “one more time” so he pulled this stunt of “sneaking” off…..his wife appears to me to still be in the FOG, and I feel for her and hope that she learns what this jerk REALLY is and WILL CONTINUE to be. (No, I don’t have a crystal ball, but I feel “safe” in making this prediction! LOL ROTFLMAO if that makes me “judgmental” then I guess I AM! LOL
OxDrover, you are so right about that! And I beleive you are correct regarding your prediction on the SC govenor!
Backatcha, we and other victims did report him, his ‘mask’ is peeled off, the law and government work very slowly however, but we await action at some future date!
Not soon enough for us!
Let me correct that, I hope it is sooner than later, for our nieces sake and sanity. What ever he gets for his crimes won’t affect us but could be the catalyst to breaking our niece out of the ‘fog’.
Hello catherine
I was looking at other blog sites and came across your yesterday. I really enjoyed reading it and thought you put a lot of feeling and heart into it. I like to put your link here and hope other members will read it. I hope you don’t mind? Personally your site help me seeing how the stories change but little and how if one involved with a s/p the outcome is always the same. The same emotional pain and confusion. The same way one sometimes will looks back and see things in a different light. The little things they did and if we review (relive) them how those times the mask slipped. Again I very much enjoy your site and thank you for creating it.
http://toogoodtobereal.blogspot.com/
Inquirente,
It pains me that because you “blew the whistle” on your neice’s psychopath that you are the ones being punished, and I hoope and pray that he gets what he deserves.
However, I do STRONGLY SUGGEST that you read the book “The Betrayal Bond” and it will explain what your neice is up against.
In the “original” report of the Stockholm syndrome, the hostages had only been with the bank robbers a day or so before they were rescued by police,but by that short time they were so BONDED to the robbers and their captors that two of the women waited 10 years until the robbers got out of prison and MARRIED THEM.
This trauma bond can be unbelieveably strong and maybe that is wher eyour neice is staying with this jerk even with PROOF he is a crook.
The thing that is so “crazy” about this (makes NO logical sense) is that it is something right before our eyes and we still can’t “see it”—-the Trauma Bond book is a godsend in helping us to understand why we (or anyone) could be bonded to these abusive monsters and still stay loyal nto them in the face of SOLID EVIDENCE.
It might help you to get a handle on the WHY all t his is taking place and help you realize that breaking that bond may be difficult (at best). My prayers.
James
I am glad that my blog helped you to understand your own experience – thanks for posting the link to it. I wrote the blog to try to help others and now I plan to publish a book based on my blog. Everything happens for a reason – my experience with my ex-husband has allowed me to grow in so many ways. It helped me to find my purpose in life.