Sociopaths/psychopaths commit a disproportionate amount of both violent and non-violent crime in all Western countries. Today is July 4th or American Independence Day, so I am going to take this opportunity to ask that friends and family members of sociopaths stop enabling them.
According to Webster’s Online Dictionary the word enable means:
1 a: to provide with the means or opportunity
b: to make possible, practical, or easy
c: to cause to operate
In her book A Dance With the Devil, (which I highly recommend) Barbara Bentley gives many poignant examples of enabling as she describes how her psychopathic husband accomplished his antisocial goals.
The most shocking of many examples is found on page 271 where she describes how her former husband was paroled after serving only 22 months in jail for trying to murder her:
“”¦a former Two Star business associate who worked as a civilian contractor for the Navy, had vouched for John and gave him a place to stay, along with backing John’s plan to start a plant import business.”
On page 350 Barbara explains that this former business associate also introduced John to his next victim. John moved in on that victim quickly, moving in with her within two weeks of the introduction. He conned at least $65,000 from that woman and also beat her.
This story also goes to show that one “favor” done for a sociopath/psychopath turns into many and culminates in the victimization of innocent people.
The truth is that unless friends and family members completely dissociate from the sociopath they will be called upon to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy and to cause to operate.
Here are some other examples of enabling that have come to my attention over the years:
1. Lying for the sociopath in and out of court.
2. Not speaking up when the sociopath tells untrue stories or a bold faced lie to another person in front of the friend/family member.
3. Going with the sociopath to meetings with a parole officer so that the sociopath “looks good.”
4. Helping the sociopath gain custody or unsupervised visitation with children he/she had victimized leading to further victimization of the children.
5. Giving the sociopath money so that he/she seems well off as he/she courts victims.
6. Inviting the sociopath and victims to family gatherings so victims think sociopath is a contributing member of a loving family.
7. Telling victims half truths about the sociopath, eg. Discussing only his/her “good qualities.”
8. Providing the sociopath with transportation to a place where he/she then committed a crime.
9. Sending flowers to sociopath’s next victim on behalf of the sociopath, even when that family member knew the sociopath had a prior trail of at least 4 other victims and is a sex offender.
10. Spying on other people for the sociopath and reporting on their whereabouts and activities.
11. Calling people on behalf of the sociopath.
Many of the specific acts of enabling listed above were done by people who I believe just did not fully comprehend what the sociopath was up to. Tragically these acts of enabling that led to people being harmed were done by enablers who were trying to be kind or polite.
I offer the following guidelines for the friends and family members of sociopaths or suspected sociopaths.
If you know someone has been in jail more than once and/ or has been convicted of more than one felony get away from that person immediately and certainly NEVER help him or her. Criminal recidivism and versatility are two very important signs of psychopathy. Criminal versatility means participating in different kinds of crimes.
If a former spouse claims someone you know is a sociopath, do not dismiss the allegations. During the course of a divorce many nasty things are said but, the usual divorce does not contain that allegation. So instead of giving a potential sociopath the benefit of the doubt, take in all the facts and believe the former spouse until the allegation is proven false. Certainly, in such cases, do not help the alleged sociopath. Do not take such a big risk; a sin of omission is not as bad as a sin committed.
If a member of your family has had many relationships, partnerships or marriages where he or she has lied or has been otherwise unfaithful to the partnership, do not invite that individual to any family gatherings. Certainly do not introduce the probable sociopath to any potential partners, either romantic or business. Do not allow the potential sociopath to use your family gatherings or introductions as a venue for his/her operation.
Now you may be wondering why friends and family who are not sociopaths themselves do all the enabling I have described above. Motives vary, but people have a very hard time giving up on the sociopath and admitting his/her true nature. They are trying to be polite and also at times trying to pawn the sociopath off on someone else. As they do the pawning they don’t acknowledge to themselves that the sociopath is really a predator/parasite, they just consider him/her a nuisance.
Please comment on what I have written here by sharing your own examples of enabling by friends and family members. Try to keep comments focused on that topic so people reading this can see more examples. If you have been an enabler, confess it by telling your story in a way that does not identify you but that gets it off your chest. Then, vow today to do the right thing for your country (society) and never enable again.
Get your copy of A Dance with the Devil!
I can’t say how much I appreciate the articles. I’m seeing how much my ex’s family has covered up for him and continues to do so. Still don’t know if he was in prison once or twice–magically he has persuade the local courts that is a non-issue and his lawyer is helping him. How far can this go?
Does a person have a snow’s chance in hades if they are dealing with a group or family of such individuals?
catherine,
This concept about everything has a reason is something I too believe in. Like the reason we first got involved with them. Being that we (most I believe) had issues in our past that allow us to be involved with these type of people. Why we put up with so much of their BS again something we had in ourselves. Then when the end came we again were able to rise above it and go on to become better then we were before. Was any of this just a coincidence? No, I don’t believe it was. There were strong issues/reasons and if we go back into our past I believe we will come to understand this. Yes, catherine this happen to us for a reason and I believe for some very good reasons. While all that is important what is really really important is what we all learn from it and what we are walk away with.
As for them? Well here is what is really ironic! Whenever we don’t learn from our past then we are destine to repeat it! Whenever we don’t take some degree of responsibility for our actions then we learn nothing!
Thanks OxDrover, I will pick up the book, Betrayal Bond. We thank you for your advise, I realize what we are up against. However, I have to continue to hope. We have for the past 10 months stopped obcessing,and trying to reach this niece or her parents. Because we realize there is not much we can do until she decides to break away.
We do try to keep a steady, yet kind, pressure on the authorities at least so that the case does not disappear. We have been assured that it will not. His case got ‘reprioritized’ due to all the banking/financial fraud cases that came up last fall!!
It is amazing, how in white collar crime, the wheels turn slowly! And it seems like the Socios/psychos all know it, so they play that game of delay, delay, delay and are extremely good at manipulating the system.
lostlittlegirl, we are up against the family as enablers as well. It does make it harder, yet the truth of the matter is our niece is the one who has to get strong, get out of isolation and know that she can get away, that means she also needs to get away from the family that are the enablers of her spouse (s) – their behavior encourages the S manipulation toward their daughter. At least that is how I see it.
I am the one who always tries to see the glass half full, my husband is sometimes the opposite. But between us we stay on an even keel!
Dear Lostlittle girl,
Sweetie, it is a long process and many people do not “get it” what you are going through, even some therapists can’t “get it”—-one of my friends who was getting away from a P told her therapist and the therapist said “Well, have you tried to talk to him about this?” DUH???? You cannot “talk to” a psychopath about anything, they twist reality!
My own youngest son is a P, in prison for murder for over 20 years and guess what, my egg donor thinks I am being “mean to him” and “unforgiving” to him, after he tried to have me killed by a former cell mate of his because I cut him off from an inheritence. So, she keeps sending him money! What does he do with money? Of course he communicates with more of his “buddies” to find another person to try to kill me.
I finally accepted that my son is a monster, but my egg donor cannot accept her grandson is a monster—so she makes me into a monster for being so “mean” to the poor darling, and trying to KEEP him in prison (where I think he belongs) so what can I do? No contact with her, no contact with him. Go on with my life. Do the best I can, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. And, I keep praying.
I realize this may not be the right place to post this question, but can any of you direct me to a messageboard or online group where people support each other through the healing process? I am completely alone in dealing with the pain, still constantly tempted to call him, apologize (for what, your guess would be as good as mine) and other embarrassingly weak thoughts as well. I really need help and support. This is without a doubt the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with, and I KNOW going back is not the answer… I think that finding people who have “been there” to chat with is what I desperately need at this time!
Overwhelmed – I personally dont know of a better place than here to seek support. If there is someone here that would trade email address’s or phone numbers, that would be good support. When I was still in the stage you are at I scared all my friends away talking about it so much. Finding someone who understand’s and can be supportive would be wonderful. Maybe Alanon or a womens abuse center could give you some support. But this message board and group of people are the best..I exchanged phone numbers with a couple of lovefraud peeps early on and they were very supportive. Please understand what you are feeling is very normal and we all know it is the most difficult thing to endure and overcome. Read read read – blog blog blog – post post post ask anything and someone will respond – you will get through this and find your self again…..
Dear Overwhelmed,
The information here in the articles in the archives are wonderful and KNOWLEDGE=POWER and it is all about taking back our power.
Personally, I would recommend that you READ READ READ as well as blog here. 99.9% of your questions will be answered in the articles already on here, and the people here are supportive and caring. I’ve been here almost two years, some others have been here a year + (Henry for one) and others only a week or so, or a month or two, but this is a great place with great, caring and compassionate people who DO GET IT and have been through the traumas of dealing with a psychopath. God bless you.
Dear Overwhelmed, I echo Henry’s and OxDrover’s comments. You have come to the right place for healing. There isn’t a one of us who hasn’t experienced the pain that you are feeling. We do understand.
I’m sorry for your painful circumstances that brought you here but be assured that if you read, post, and read, and post that you will find the solace for your pain that you are seeking.
Wish I could wave a magic wand to hurry the process along but that is impossible. How about imagining that I, a stranger, am hugging you tight and stroking your hair, assuring that you will be okay? It is what I am imagining right now.
Hang on, you’ve made it this far. You’ll make it the rest of the way to a healthy, happy life. You are just stronger than you think you are right now. Bellieve it. I do.
My sociopath was enabled by his son and daughter-in-law. I was used as a place for him to hide from federal charges for stealing government property. They helped him hide the truth from me, while I married him and supported him. He said to me after the wedding, “if this doesn’t work out I will just walk off and you won’t be any worse of” After 6 months of emotional abuse and threats of physical abuse he went to federal prison. Only for 5 months though when he should have gotten 10 years. Such is the power of a sociopath to talk his way out.
Dear archerjf,
Welcome to Lovefraud, sorry that you “qualify” for “membership” in our “club”—sounds like you defintely were done a number on, and yes, they can talk their way out of a lot sometimes. Not always, but waaay too many times.
I echo NewLitly’s welcome to overwhelmed (aren’t we all over whelmed at one point or another?) Stay around here, this is definitely a healing place and it does take TIME to grasp this all and then to heal. Again, welcome, and god bless.