Sociopaths/psychopaths commit a disproportionate amount of both violent and non-violent crime in all Western countries. Today is July 4th or American Independence Day, so I am going to take this opportunity to ask that friends and family members of sociopaths stop enabling them.
According to Webster’s Online Dictionary the word enable means:
1 a: to provide with the means or opportunity
b: to make possible, practical, or easy
c: to cause to operate
In her book A Dance With the Devil, (which I highly recommend) Barbara Bentley gives many poignant examples of enabling as she describes how her psychopathic husband accomplished his antisocial goals.
The most shocking of many examples is found on page 271 where she describes how her former husband was paroled after serving only 22 months in jail for trying to murder her:
“”¦a former Two Star business associate who worked as a civilian contractor for the Navy, had vouched for John and gave him a place to stay, along with backing John’s plan to start a plant import business.”
On page 350 Barbara explains that this former business associate also introduced John to his next victim. John moved in on that victim quickly, moving in with her within two weeks of the introduction. He conned at least $65,000 from that woman and also beat her.
This story also goes to show that one “favor” done for a sociopath/psychopath turns into many and culminates in the victimization of innocent people.
The truth is that unless friends and family members completely dissociate from the sociopath they will be called upon to provide with the means or opportunity, to make possible, practical, or easy and to cause to operate.
Here are some other examples of enabling that have come to my attention over the years:
1. Lying for the sociopath in and out of court.
2. Not speaking up when the sociopath tells untrue stories or a bold faced lie to another person in front of the friend/family member.
3. Going with the sociopath to meetings with a parole officer so that the sociopath “looks good.”
4. Helping the sociopath gain custody or unsupervised visitation with children he/she had victimized leading to further victimization of the children.
5. Giving the sociopath money so that he/she seems well off as he/she courts victims.
6. Inviting the sociopath and victims to family gatherings so victims think sociopath is a contributing member of a loving family.
7. Telling victims half truths about the sociopath, eg. Discussing only his/her “good qualities.”
8. Providing the sociopath with transportation to a place where he/she then committed a crime.
9. Sending flowers to sociopath’s next victim on behalf of the sociopath, even when that family member knew the sociopath had a prior trail of at least 4 other victims and is a sex offender.
10. Spying on other people for the sociopath and reporting on their whereabouts and activities.
11. Calling people on behalf of the sociopath.
Many of the specific acts of enabling listed above were done by people who I believe just did not fully comprehend what the sociopath was up to. Tragically these acts of enabling that led to people being harmed were done by enablers who were trying to be kind or polite.
I offer the following guidelines for the friends and family members of sociopaths or suspected sociopaths.
If you know someone has been in jail more than once and/ or has been convicted of more than one felony get away from that person immediately and certainly NEVER help him or her. Criminal recidivism and versatility are two very important signs of psychopathy. Criminal versatility means participating in different kinds of crimes.
If a former spouse claims someone you know is a sociopath, do not dismiss the allegations. During the course of a divorce many nasty things are said but, the usual divorce does not contain that allegation. So instead of giving a potential sociopath the benefit of the doubt, take in all the facts and believe the former spouse until the allegation is proven false. Certainly, in such cases, do not help the alleged sociopath. Do not take such a big risk; a sin of omission is not as bad as a sin committed.
If a member of your family has had many relationships, partnerships or marriages where he or she has lied or has been otherwise unfaithful to the partnership, do not invite that individual to any family gatherings. Certainly do not introduce the probable sociopath to any potential partners, either romantic or business. Do not allow the potential sociopath to use your family gatherings or introductions as a venue for his/her operation.
Now you may be wondering why friends and family who are not sociopaths themselves do all the enabling I have described above. Motives vary, but people have a very hard time giving up on the sociopath and admitting his/her true nature. They are trying to be polite and also at times trying to pawn the sociopath off on someone else. As they do the pawning they don’t acknowledge to themselves that the sociopath is really a predator/parasite, they just consider him/her a nuisance.
Please comment on what I have written here by sharing your own examples of enabling by friends and family members. Try to keep comments focused on that topic so people reading this can see more examples. If you have been an enabler, confess it by telling your story in a way that does not identify you but that gets it off your chest. Then, vow today to do the right thing for your country (society) and never enable again.
Get your copy of A Dance with the Devil!
Hello lf memebers. I have been a silent member for about 6 months. I have been trying to figure out if my x bf is a “s”. i feel like i have lost my way. I am petrified of finding out he is not a s and it will disappoint me because then why did he not love me enough. I met him 2 years ago, he was in a Marines uniform. I am going to skip how i met him and how i got to helping him out. it is too long. He was somewhat a drifter he had no home. He was very charming and extremely attractive (movie star looks, and boy was he an actor). He convinced me that he had a very successful buisness “tree climber” and going into marines his partner deceived him and took all his belongings. Well, i was so fasinated by this man who i will call RF, he convinced me to invest in a buisness. long story short he conned me lied to my heart, stole from me, like my car, kids expensive toys, credit cards, took out loans for him, almost remortgaged my house, financed a dump truck, told me that a motorcycle was needed so he can ride it instead of drinking.. He charged my cc for the buisness in 1 month 17gs. Then he forced me into taking a loan out for 20gs, saying i already dug myself in deep so i have to keep going, i was scared so scared, i took out from my kids accounts over 20gs, and in cash over 100gs, that was for bailing him out of jail numerous times. He took advantage of me and kept saying it was for our future, he lied to people we were married, i found out he was not in the marines he was dishonorably discharged, he wore the uniform to get a good impression. He mentally and physiclally abused me, he cheated on me and said ‘So what” he lied he would convert to my religion Islam, i later found out he was making fun of me behind my back. He bragged to his friends that i spent over 300gs on him, he never once gave me a dime. I was so brainwashed by this guy, because he was so in love with me like he said, i believed him. When i was alone I thought about all the stupid things he convinced me into doing, because if i didn’t i would ruin his life, i would say to myself that is it no more, than when i see him i go into a trance. He is a compulsive liar, a drug addict too, i found out much later that he was a drug addict, too late i fell in love for the first time in my life and i was 37 years old and finally found out what being in love meant. Ok it is a real long story i am going to let it end cause i am real tired. Ok i am still obesessed with him, he left me as soon as he found a woman that was vuleneralbe like me, she has a home for him to live in, in the first week he met her he proposed marraige to her.. like he did me. he emailed me saying it was all my fault and he needed to move on, just a day before he was telling me that he was conning her so he can save me money and to stop acting jealous. I tried to warn her that i think he is a sociopath but she thinks i am just a waco because he told her i was.. so when i told her how and what he did to me and how he lied to me and lied to her that i was just an employee of his and he is a successful buisness man when i paid for all the equipment, phone, home, and trucks, she believed him and not me. I am a big mess big finicial mess, i might loss my house because he will not give me back my equipement like a 9500 chipper and a truck that i paid for but is registered in his name. He said it is all his, everything is my fault when all i did was love him and try to give him back his life. While in the process of doing that i lost my whole entire life. Most of all i lost my diginity, trust, and pride. he crused me. He never said sorry just left and moved on. I invested my entire life and decieved God for this man. I was being used until i ran out of money and he moved on to the next vicitim. Is he a S or am i just stupid.
Just to give you a background, he is not liked by the people in his town because he constantly was currupting the town, south jersey shore is where he came from and moved up north to start fresh. He is pretty well known up in this area now because he is known for lieing and taking people’s deposits andnot finishing the work. He would blame the customers for it. He also lied to the judge. He wore his Marines uniform (dishonorably discharged) and told him he was speeding due to chasing a criminal the judge believed him. I could not believe it the balls he had, he was never scared of getting caught… His whole entire family ran to a different state to avoid him. they warned me but i did not believe this beautiful man can be so evil. He hates working… very lazy. I paid for his living expense for almost 3 years. like i said in the other post he found another woman because i ran out of money. Please help me. All i think of doing is getting revenge, tring to put him in jail, tring to get the other woman to see him for who he is,, I am angry with her too, and feel so angry at myself for wanting her to suffer like i did because she didnt believe me.
pride38… I am so glad you wrote, it takes a lot of strength to write about something like this, you’ve still got some dignity and pride left, you can build on that. He sounds like an S to me! I did a lot of the things you did, I don’t think I’m stupid but I am at that stage where I wonder why I would let myself be treated like that (for years!!!) Please don’t feel like you have lost everything, you have children, they are wonderful, keep writing, I know you’ve been reading for 6 months so you know a lot of us are in the same boat. I am in a financial mess, but I just am not going to give up!! Don’t worry right now about this other woman, you gave her warning, forget about her, think about you, be kind to you the way you are being kind to her. This is just terrible, I’ve read many times that sociopaths impersonate “men in uniform”. I did the same thing you did, I started helping someone and I just got so caught up in everything, it was like a whirlwind, more like a tornado I was stuck in going round and round. I like the screen name you picked out “pride38”, he can’t take that away from you, he can’t take your soul, you’re still here, you’re going to get through this, please keep writing, I know how devastated and lonely you feel, you are in my prayers, we care about you here.
pride38… I have been the same way, of course when somebody told me they loved me I believed them, it took me a long time to grasp that there are such evil people running around, predators. It feels like breaking an addiction, because it is an addiction, it is painful to go through, reading and writing here at LF has really helped me, there are so many good articles, and thousands of great posts to read from the other bloggers, such good advice and it is all so real and comes from everyone’s heart. You’re still here, putting one foot in front of the other, and that is how every journey starts, this one is a journey of healing. Perhaps you read the article Oxy wrote a couple of months ago about being on the road to healing, sometimes some of us go down the road kicking and fighting it, but we always continue, it’s an ongoing process, we’ll be here for you.
Great article Liane:
I EB was an enabeler for 28 years. When I gave up the ‘position’ I was quickly replaced by the S’s brother and wife and S’s ‘friends’.
I see how they all alienated me and the kids immediately, because rumor had it, I was ‘mentally ill’….diagnosed by ‘Dr. S’……Not sure when he got his phd….but at any rate….
The splitting and alienation started immediately and was successful with his ‘side’.
I will sit back and one day, the SIL will be the target again…..oh, the sick messages she would leave for him…”hi, this is your favorite SIL, just calling to say I love you”…..uuuggg BARF!
She was a knarly target when she had her severely handicapped daughter, years ago…..the S was horrid to her, blaming her for her daughters disabilities to anyone and everyone….you get the pic.
It’ll come back around!
So….today, I spent several hours ‘getting to know’ my rental apt.’s neighbors…..
OMG….I heard stories that gave me chills.
The S’ (while he lived in my rental) preyed on the neighbors teen daughters……the mother didn’t think much of it, the fathe did. They argued (funny how that always happens)…..On 4th of July, he took the girls up a mountain and left one mid way, in the dark, because she couldn’t make it, she passed out…..so naturally he left her….she was of no use to him…..he took the 15 year old up to watch the fireworks…..eeeessshhhh…..this creeps me out.
I enlightened her on my ‘journey’ and by my words, she ‘got it’. I ran home and came back with a bit of documentation, and pictures and asked if they were of her daughters…..one was! OH
pride38… I am worried about you, I have been thinking about you a lot. You asked for our help and I know everyone here will support you. Please write again, it will help you sort everything out.
Pride38
I relate to the falling for the charm, how quickly he moved in on you using his good looks…a very powerful seduction….do not blame yourself for that, you being a normal human being were so impressed by the illusion he ACTED OUT it would take extraordinary wisdom to not go for it….My ex P had the predatory stare thing going on, which I interpreted as “smouldering good looks” He would stare at me lovingly, but in hindesight it had all the warmth of a shark surveying his dinner…you were Devoured by AN ACT, AN ILLUSION and its the illusion of him you grieve for now…not the person…there is no person….the only person there was you
pride38: I hope you are reading LF today and will post something just to let us know how you are doing!!!
That’s some great advice for people who don’t know much about personality disorders Dr Leedom – you’ve given clear behavioural indicators and quantified them – that is useful. I particularly like what you said about not dismissing the label of sociopath out of hand until proven false. Familial and relational ties can definitely make all of us do things to help sociopaths that we wouldn’t normally do. let’s not forget either their incredible ability to emotionally blackmail by invoking fear, obligation and guilt. We tend to give those close to us extra chances with their behaviour, but should be very very careful. I know I certainly will be in the future.
Have to say when the sociopath is a psychiatrit well versed in personality disorders, then educates her enablers (my family) about anti-social PD (that she has assigned to me); the script is set in concrete. This is unbelievably hard.
The enablers are speaking classic enabler dialogue. They are labelling or identifing perceptive observations within myself (or elder sister, a fellow target), again and again, but not actually figuring it out. They are actually close to the truth, but they don’t get it. Over the decades my brothers have noticed certain behaviour (in me), but couldnt identify WHYYYY I behaved certain ways. So they were always a breath away from saying what I was screaming at them in my body language.
Another way to describe what my brothers are doing:
There’s a red box on the table; I ask the enablers (my brothers) “What’s that on the table”. They answer “It’s a red”.
They are simply unable to identify the box; they can only SEE the red. The box is the vital thing about the object, they only see/say the colour, what they see (our physical behaviour) on the outside. Because they have been chosen as enablers they seem to be carefully chosen ones – certain gender/very healthy, clearly not abused people.
They use the target’s ally to be a pawn (doing the nasty), as they know the pawn is likely to act out of ‘concern’ for the sociopath’s target (their friend). After the nasty has been committed, the pawn quickly realises what’s happened and they too end up targets as the first target naturally falls out with their best friend (the pawn) who was manipulated to betray. So the sociopth has two trophies – the caring pawn (they despise) and their original target.
Attempting to defend myself I am threatened with libel and slander from the sociopath and then my sister (she learns and echoes everything the socipath says – so I hear the same dialogue twice!)