I love my wikipedia. I learn a lot I didn’t know and I refine my thinking by finding fault too. (The problem is knowing what is worth learning and what needs unlearning!)
Consider the wikipedia definition of evil:
Evil is generally defined as any activity which takes advantage of another person for one’s own benefit….(In contrast, good is helping others, even sometimes self-sacrificially; see saint, sainthood.)
There’s something dodgy about the form of this definition and also something very familiar about its implications. For one thing, it fits with the the lable ‘anti-social’ which refers to behaviour which has ill effects, but good intentions – “well, in his culture that behaviour is normal”. Whatever happened to ill intent, though? (For another thing, what’s the counterpart to sainthood?)
According to this view all employers are evil because they necessarily pay their employees less than they earn (‘necessarily’ because otherwise there would be no profit).
The definition attempts to define evil by contrasting it with good. So far so, um, good. But then it weighs them up wrongly, and we are left with a picture of evil that is indistinguishable from graspingness and greed. According to this view evil might have ill effects on the other, but that is not the intention; its primary intention is to gain advantage.
This is a fine example of how thinking about evil can go askew. (And, I suspect, thinking about good too.)
By re-balancing the wording of the above definition another meaning of evil becomes clear.
If good is helping another (possibly involving self-sacrifice) then it follows that evil is harming another (possibly involving self-benefit).
This is all the difference in the world. Now we can see the true intention of evil – it is to do harm. Evil is only secondarily about want, appetite, greed, jealousy; it’s true nature is malevolence, envy, cruelty, viciousness. Indeed, for evil the getting of things is happily foregone if what is primary can be achieved: power over another.
What say you?
lifting the veil,
Yes,I do know that tired feeling;I have been to that dark place.Please read the thread “Research finds Brain changes due to PTSD”.
You will NEVER be the person your ex is-REMEMBER THAT!Another thing…you stopped living FOR YOUR EX….START LIVING TO HEAL YOURSELF!Your life need not stop without her!Make new friends!
One thing that helps me here is to notice that they are all the same and we are all the same. Not completely. But, so many of the same exact characteristics, words, actions, Modus Operandi with their evil, however we define it.
And then, we all have very similar stories and feelings. A lot of us have been through more than one of them. Each time, it feels like this is it and we will never be able to love again.
Then, we finally get over one, and at some point another enters, and we feel the same feelings for them. It is a pattern with me. A pattern way too close to my nuclear family. I despised it then and I despise it now. But, I know that I equate love with that kind of “swag.” It is an evil swag that I am attracted to. I hope as I age if another man comes along and I get feelings for him, that I will have studied, read, found support through my therapist and through this website, and I will know whether is is really a good thing or an evil thing. I will know if it is just familiar and sparking something in my brain that doesn’t see it right or if I really can recognize good versus evil when I see it.
I have been reading a lot of books about narcissists and sociopaths and antisocial personality disorder over the last six months and it is as if all of these people who practice evil in their lives (whether intentional or not) were raised by the same people, have the same lines, live the same patterns….and so do we.
I’m sure many here have been through domestic violence programs. It is the same thing. All of the perpetrators seem to use the same exact techniques and all of their prey seem to have the same exact characteristics. I am going to keep reading books to understand them and to help me. I am going to keep reading my meditation books and listening to the calming CDs and study their MO so I can avoid it for the rest of my life.
When I look back, though, the happiest times of my life were when I had no man in it at all. Good jobs. Good friends. Earning a college degree in my 30s and 40s…all such wonderful memories for me EXCEPT when an abuser or a spath came along and caught me in his web. Time does heal. It really does. Even when you think your heart is going to ache so badly, it is crushing you and is going to jump out of your chest, you will heal.
We are here now. We are reading about them. We are talking about them. We are sharing about them. We are encouraging each other. It will get better. We can remain a constant within our own protective galaxy…whether the spath “death star” is around or not. WE are each a whole person unto ourselves and we count in our wholeness and can be complete all by ourselves. And if they are around, we can study how to still remain ourselves and love ourselves in spite of their attempts at evil.
Great post fightforwhatsright. Love the death star analogy!!
essyLifting, it can really be helpful to our recovery to write out what happened and to know that you will be read by other survivors who will not judge you and who have known the torment and who are rooting for you. You are not alone. Peace and love to you today. Go easy on yourself ok?
Schnoodle64…
That is a brilliant way to see and remind yourself of things by putting it on the mirror. That he looked in the mirror and say his true self .
I wish u healing and peace as u move forward . It’s one day at a time.
Blossom4th,
Thank you….you are right I did stop living … I lived for her and forsaked myself that’s why when the relationship ended I didn’t know who I was .. And I couldn’t understand how someone I gave everything to was so capable of deceiving me so badly… And yes I need to heal now and think of me for the first time in my life… Thank u for reminding me of that .
Fightforwhatsright,
That was a great post… We are all learning here and I hope like u I will learn enough to spot any resemblence of a disordered person coming near me and run the opposite direction.
Tea light ,
Thank you so much for ur compassion… Thank you For saying I’m not alone. That means alot… I’m glad I found lovefraud… I hope I can in some way support others too who have suffered like me… I know I truely understand how the sociopath and disordered person operates and the effects of distraction on lives and the hurt they cause so I hope and know through my own journey I can support others cause I understand .
It’s not easy to go easy on myself . I carry my own guilt for bad decisions made but I have paid the price and sought forgiveness but most important I have to forgive myself .
My ex constantly sent me letters telling me it is all my fault she ended up homeless, told me she blamed me for all her suicide attempts and for ending up in psychiatric hospital and for having no home and ending up on drugs…. It has been alot to bear as I am a very compassionate caring person so to be blamed for those things almost destroyed me my heart was broke.
I did everything I could to help her even renting her a place to live and paid the rent so she would have a home as her family didn’t want her home.
I don’t pay the rent anymore she got a government subsidy to cover most of it but still in letters she blames me for the shit hole she says she lives in and tells me she can’t manage financially ..
It took me a long time but I’m trying to let go because its not fair to blame me for everything …
I did my best for someone even though I knew the truth about what she did.
That’s what sociopaths do they blame others for their problems and they think only their needs matter.. They don’t care if they hurt you cause they only see them…
We have to look after ourselves now and seek to recover our own lives and hearts from dispair.
Can anyone tell me this…… How do you trust again? How do I know if someone is true or not?
How do I know because if I could have been deceived by someone I trusted someone who lived a double life then how do I prevent it from happening again?
What is the difference between manipulation and real love???
lifting the veil,
I’m looking through the archives,which if you haven’t done yet,you would enjoy.To start with.I’m going to give you the link to an article about finding yourself again.Here it is: http://www.lovefraud.com/2011/11/22/reclaiming-who-we-are/
lifting the veil,
here’s a link on building trust: http://www.lovefraud.com/2008/12/08/after-the-sociopath-learning-to-trust-again/
Thank you so much blossom4th for posting those links… I have just read them and found then very helpful…especially the article on learning to trust again .. That’s what I fear most and that article gave me alot to think about.
lifting the veil,
Here is another link that I think you’ll also appreciate.Donna wrote this story.:
http://www.lovefraud.com/2011/12/12/the-importance-of-believing-in-ourselves/
thank you again blossom4th for sending me the link to this arlticle….i saw so much of my own situation in the article…..howards story had many similarities…..
i reasonated in what donna said about howard feeling that he didnt deserve love……and this spoke to me.
donna said…………
Then we consciously let go of negative beliefs and replace them with positive beliefs. We decide that we are deserving of love, and start treating ourselves that way. We no longer let sociopaths, or anyone else, walk all over us. We consciously remove people who disrespect us from our lives. We start treating ourselves better.
i have learned through my own journey and its been a painful process that i want be respected and with someone that does…..so that means i have to let go of the situations and people that are hurting my life…….
there comes a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything,but its not giving up its realizing you dont need certain people and the drama they bring….
i have worked hard to get to the point i am at now……its not easy….recovery takes effort and wanting life to recover…….i try do nice things for myself…..even just to watch a movie and eat something nice……and if i dont want to talk to someone or do something i dont….i think whats best for me….when your in recovery you have to be selfish and think of your self……perhaps for the first time in your life……..cause the sociopath wont think of you they will just think of themselves and their needs.
self love and self care is the path to recovery.