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By | May 19, 2008 240 Comments

Finding a real relationship after a sociopath

The following story was sent by the Lovefraud reader who comments under the name “LovingAnnie.” This woman—we’ll call her Annie—spent four years waiting for a relationship to materialize with a policeman who tantalized her with flattery and promises. Here’s what Annie wrote:

Annie and the cop

I called 9-1-1 for the first time in my life (a neighbor problem), and when I answered the door, my first thought on seeing him was, “wow—he is sooo cute.”

We ended up talking for almost an hour and exchanging phone numbers.

He told me he’d been a cop for almost 20 years, was divorced with two kids. That a few years after the divorce was final, he had a girlfriend who was also a police officer, but they had recently broken up because they saw life differently, and she drank too much.

I’d see him every week or so when he was driving by, and he’d stop and chat for a while. He seemed such a perfect fit for me, and that we had so much in common. He was close to my age, so clean cut in lifestyle and appearance, liked to cook, liked to read, liked to exercise, had a great dry sense of humor, was politically incorrect and religiously indifferent, and we were physically attracted to each other as well.

He called, but he wasn’t asking me out. I tried to play it cool, let things unfold slowly, with no pressure, but something just felt wrong. He’d ask me what I was wearing, talk about how he wanted to kiss my neck ”¦ He seemed so connected to me when we talked, and I loved talking to him about anything and everything, it was just comfortable and easy. But he didn’t try to see me off of work; there were no dates. It was frustrating but I didn’t want to be aggressive.

This went on for months. He’d call, tell me I was beautiful, sensuous, intelligent, loving, warm, giving, beguiling—and that he was sexually and emotionally scared of me. That he knew I wouldn’t hurt him, but he’d hurt himself. That I was dangerous, that he got flustered around me ”¦

And then he would disappear ”¦ For a month or two, and then come back, always smiling, always sweet. (It turns out he had never broken up with his girlfriend at all, and in fact, they were about to buy a house together.)

But by that time I was hooked. I was so naive and hopeful and trusting, I believed every word he said. He was a cop, a good guy, he seemed so sincere and genuine ”¦

I thought he was really a nice guy and behaving himself, that he was waiting until they were broken up to do anything with me, being honorable. He told me he was fiercely loyal.

This went on for 3 years ”¦ I’d only see him occasionally, but he always made it seem like if I’d just be patient, things would work between us. I’d try dating other people to get my mind off of him, and nothing ever worked out, so back to the policeman my thoughts would go ”¦

He’d cuddle me; we’d just sit on the sofa for an hour or two wrapped around each other like 16-year-olds who don’t go past second base ”¦ He’d always be obviously aroused, but didn’t try to have sex with me—again, I thought he was treating me with respect, and that meant I could trust him. He wasn’t cheating on his girlfriend, we were waiting until things were right and we could be together.

He’d talk about how pissed off he would get at his girlfriend for passing out drunk, throwing up blood, going into rehab and then coming home and drinking again immediately, etc.
I thought for sure by comparison I looked like a prize since I rarely drank. I was financially stable, didn’t have any kids of my own, and had no baggage with an ex-husband. I even told him that he could come live with me if he wanted to, and that I adored him. He said I was so open and he was so guarded ”¦

He’d tell me he drove my house three times a shift. (He was lying, he drove by once every three weeks.)

I said, “If you know you aren’t ever going to break up with T, and you know you don’t want me for a girlfriend when you do, blow me off right now.” He didn’t. I said, “well, are you going to blow me off ?” And he said “no.” ”¨”¨He told me he looked for me, that he was so happy when he saw me, that the chemistry was so thick it was tangible, that he couldn’t keep his hands off of me, that he was emotionally, intellectually and physically attracted to me but that he couldn’t act on it—YET.

One of his friends told me that he was watching me when he was on the midnight shift, checking out my windows, (I live up on a hill and it is easy to see in from a street across the way) even spying on me with binoculars a few times to see what kind of life I led.
Even though it would have creeped me out if another guy had done that, I felt like I had nothing to hide and I was flattered; I thought it really meant he wanted me, and when he was available, he’d have gotten his courage and his info. Together enough that we would be solid.

He finally broke up with his girlfriend over her drinking, and then disappeared on me for five months.

The same friend who had told me the other stuff told me that he was so stressed out about the bad real estate market, he was on the verge of foreclosure (even though he was working major overtime), depressed, not eating, and isolating himself. He had told me once he was borderline suicidal, so I got really scared. Behind his back, I paid his overdue property taxes, to try to help him out.

When I finally called him and told him I was lonely and I missed him, he told me to “go work for habitat for humanity and that we hardly knew each other; that he wasn’t ready to date but when he was, there was a probation officer who was interested in him.”
Then when I started to cry in pain, three years of hope now smashed in a minute, he told me I was guilting him and he hated it, and hung up on me.

He found about about me paying the property taxes and came to my house and was furious. I said I could cancel the charge on my credit card, and he said no, he’d pay me back when he got his income tax refund (he never made any attempt to pay me back) and he yelled at me, saying I had no right to control his life, and that he couldn’t trust me, I was acting obsessive.

I was absolutely horrified—I’d really been trying to help, to do something loving and supportive when the chips were down that only a family member would do for someone. I hadn’t meant anything bad at all by it, and yet he took it that way.

He told me I misread everything he’d ever said and done, that he was just being friendly.
Then he stood at my door and told me that he had wanted to make love to me every night, that he had fantasized about me so often, wanting me every way a man can have a woman.

I uncovered about a dozen lies after that ”¦ It seemed like he lied almost every time he talked to me. But I blamed myself. I thought if I hadn’t pushed him, if I’d just let him take the action instead of me, things would have worked out differently.

He came back nine months later (my burglar alarm had gone off by mistake), and basically just totally played head games with me for six weeks, e-mailing instead of calling, telling me how aroused I made him but saying that his little voices were telling him to “run baby run ”¦”

Then he just stopped contacting me at all, although he still read my blog on the web twice a week for the next two months. We finally got in a huge fight one night and he told me that he was never going to ask me out, never have a relationship with me, and never have sex with me.

I keep thinking everything is my fault. That maybe he really is a good solid decent guy and it was just me pushing that turned him off and made him go away.

I don’t understand how he could have played me for three years if he didn’t mean it ”¦
After all, he was originally married for 10 years, and then later on after he was divorced had a girlfriend for six years, so clearly he has long-term relationships.
Why aren’t I lovable? Why didn’t he value me?

I’m still grieving and stuck, and thinking I lost out on Prince Charming, that something is wrong with me that he didn’t want me, didn’t want a relationship with me ”¦ It’s so seldom that I meet a man who seems so right for me, and I’m just devastated. I don’t recover or bounce back easily, and now I’m terrified that there is something really wrong with me not to have known all along he didn’t want me.

This cop likes power

Sociopaths, as Dr. Liane Leedom says, want two things: power and sex. Some sociopaths—like this cop—want power more than sex, and are quite capable of withholding sex in order to assert power. That’s what this guy was doing.

For him, it was all about the game. The cop was getting his jollies from knowing that Annie wanted him, adored him, loved him—and he could mess with her mind and emotions with his push-pull routine. With his little intrigue, he was satisfying his need for entertainment.

That’s all Annie was. Entertainment.

In a previous e-mail that Annie sent me, she wondered if this cop would treat another woman better. I’d say it’s extremely unlikely. Although he might actually go ahead and have sex with someone else, that woman will be used for entertainment and sex. There will be no love.

Waiting too long

At the end of her story, Annie also expressed that she was afraid something wrong with her for not recognizing that the cop didn’t want her. That’s not quite the issue here.

When I was single, I also spent quite a few years pining away for men who never showed up. I kept thinking if I gave them enough time, enough space, eventually they’d come around. It never worked.

So did these guys want me? They seemed to, when they were around. But they did not come around enough for our interaction to advance to the point of being a relationship.

Here is the issue: By waiting for them, I was not believing in myself. Annie did the same thing. She spent four years waiting for this cop. This particular guy was a sociopath, but that is almost beside the point. The point is that any relationship involves two people moving towards each other, step by step. If that is not happening, there is no relationship, and no point waiting around.

Fear and relationships

I am not being critical of Annie. As I said, I did exactly the same thing.

So why did I do it? Why did I hang in for these men who did not show up? Fear. I was afraid that there was nobody else and I would be alone. I could only think in terms of the men that I knew. I could not think in terms of men whom I hadn’t yet met.

Fear also made me vulnerable for the sociopath, James Montgomery. When he rolled into my life with flattery and the promises, I fell for them. I noticed he was moving far too quickly, but it was a welcome relief from the men who didn’t show up at all. His agenda, I later learned, was manipulating me out of my money. He was also playing a game of keeping multiple women on a string at one time.

Finding a real relationship

The key to finding a real relationship, I believe, is overcoming fear and believing in ourselves. This is possible, even after a run-in with a sociopath.

Many Lovefraud readers, having been victimized by a sociopath, have commented that they no longer trust themselves when it comes to relationships. This is fear still speaking. They are afraid they will be fooled and victimized again.

We all know the devastation that comes from the encounter with the sociopath. Here’s what we all need to know and believe: Healing is possible. This seems unlikely while we’re in the midst of the turmoil, but it is true.

Healing does, however, take time. It requires processing the emotional pain, re-establishing connections with the people who truly love and support us, and perhaps dealing with legal and financial consequences. But this can all be done.

The devastation is a phase. An ugly phase, but a phase nonetheless. As we go through it, our goal should be to eliminate the fear and begin believing in ourselves. We now know what a sociopath looks like and how a sociopath behaves. We can come through this experience wiser, more in tune with our intuition, and with an open heart.

Then everything—including a new and real relationship—will fall into place.


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rperk6069

My story is so like Annie’s. My ex P would talk about how he missed me, about sexual things, how he cared, but mostly over the phone or he would text me.
Then he would disapear for a week or two, or more. When he felt the need, he would want to be intimate and quickly leave my house or when I went to his, he would find some excuse to make me leave. He also wrote notes to stick on my windshield and would drive by my house to see what I was doing. At first, I was flattered. I thought maybe he does care but is scared.

He was sleeping with other women. He had been seeing one particular woman (girl, she was 25 years old to his 41 years old-his daughter was 22). I stumbled upon this one day then come to find out he had gotten her pregnant.
I felt used, betrayed and wondered what was wrong with ME? How could he be loving her and not me? Was I too old, too ugly, why wasn’t I enough for him? Why Couldn’t I be enough?
I had done everything for him, I paid some of his bills, he never paid me back, I got him out of jail and stuck by him (yes, I know that was foolish, but his story was so heartfelt). I listened to his sob story about how his ex wife would not let him see his other 4 children (she had every right to do that come to find out). The stories go on and on.
After finding this out, I told him time and again to stop calling, stop texting, to just leave me alone. But, it was me who answered the phone, and the texts and let him back in for another year.
The bottom line is, I believed him because I could not be alone. I kicked all the truths about him that I knew were warning signs out of my mind just to catch that little scrap of time with him that he threw to me. He played cruel games with my head and my heart because he knew I would be right there waiting for him.
I am so fortunate to have gotten away from him for good this time.

alohatraveler

I see little pieces of me and the Bad Man in this story. They work you up one minute to wanting them so bad and then call you “controlling” or “sexual abuser.” Once, he said, “You lust after me like a school girl.” This was so insulting.. we were lovers. I thought I was supposed to want him???

My 9 years younger sister once exclaimed, “Elise! You are NOT mold! You do not need to GROW on a man.” She was talking about the exact same thing that Donna was talking about when we are waiting for a man that we like to suddenly realize how great we are after years of batting our lashes and laughing at their jokes. (I suddenly feel very stupid right now.)

Thanks to Annie for sharing this story and thanks Donna and Free and Rperk for all the wisdom in your words.

Relationship takes two from beginning to end.

Aloha……..

My 9 years younger sister once exclaimed, “Elise! You are NOT mold! You do not need to GROW on a man.”

That’s fantastic! It kind of settles the issue of whether or not a man loves you – if he loves you, he shows up. And he keeps showing up. Even when there are difficulties, and problems, and the messy realities of life, he shows-up. Granted, he may pull back some and you may pull back some, but neither of you have to keep proving yourselves to one another. You are together because you are. You are honest with each other because that is what it takes to have a relationship and you just are honest.

You don’t have to play games or play hide and seek – you just have to BE. You just ARE.

But don’t feel stupid, even for a second. We were conditioned on all those fairy tales and even by adult women who knew better that we could “attract” a guy to love us. Not true. They will either love us or not love us, but if they love us it is not a water faucet that can be turned on and off at will for long periods of time.

That is my experience with love, from my side. I do not have a “love off” switch. I have fears and doubts and even do sequester myself away for periods to sort these feelings out, but never has there been an “off” switch when I love someone – man, woman or child.

Beverly

I identify with this story in a shorter timeframe. The relationship with my exNarcissist kicked off rather like this. For quite a while in the early stages of the relationship, he made no loving or sexual moves towards me whatsoever, which I thought was odd. Then when I broke the barrier and suggested we get going, he kept going off the boil, saying that he had a health problem. I didnt believe him and questioned him over and over as to whether he actually fancied me. I read up on his health problem and it certainly could cause impotence.

He kept telling me that sex was not as important to him as to me, which made me feel abit demanding. Little did I realise that sex was one of his control tools. After he got his medical problem fixed, things improved after a while, but he would tease me quite alot. One of the ways he did this was to send me text messages promising me attention and then he would come round my house and lay on the couch face down watching tv until the early hours of the morning. What an insult and one time I complained that he had promised me a massage and that he was just making empty promises – with that he looked at me daggers, put his clothes on and just walked out. He used sex alot to control and refused to give me the proper attention, he really started to screw up my head sexually.

LovingAnnie-

You post struck a chord with me, so I wrote an entry on my blog about it.

http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com/

James

“Many LoveFraud readers, having been victimized by a sociopath, have commented that they no longer trust themselves when it comes to relationships. This is fear still speaking. They are afraid they will be fooled and victimized again.”

This one is right on with concerns for me. I not only didn’t trust relationships but I didn’t trust any decision I would make. It has taken me two years just to trust myself again.

So with that I decided not to date for those two years. I knew that I needed to trust (self-esteem) my self before I could even think about another person. I also feared bringing my own emotionally baggage (emotional debt) into any new relationship before I could understand my self. So off to therapy I go! I started reading everything I could get my hands on about this subject with concerns about my ex and about myself. Finally I understood not only her part in this dysfunctional relationship but my responsibility/blame of the dysfunctional relationship. We allow dysfunctional relationship to exist and go on for years. Why? Because we ourselves are “broken” i.e. dysfunctional. Until I really understood this having a normal relationship just isn’t possible for me. So again off to therapy I go! Again, I started reading everything I could get my hands on about this subject (me). I now understand that if I want a normal relationship, James first and foremost needs to be fixed. Sorry to say but for me, that’s is the only chance I will have if I “really” want a normal, loving and long-term relationship. Which is something that I want very much! I have spent hours upon hours looking deep, deep inside of me. Analyzing me. Asking myself some very deep questions. Looking and looking for the truth, the truth about James. Then one day like a “big man” with a big stick that came up to me and hit me right square in the face this is what I knew to be the truth…

1) I can try to help other people but I can’t “fix” them. This each one of us must do for ourselves. (Reality)

2) I will no longer allow others to use me as their own emotional washboard. (Boundaries)

3) I can let other’s help me to help my self! (Trust)

4) I can be fixed (healing)

5) I can’t make others love me (co-depended)

6) But I can always love my self (self-esteem)

7) I can and will refuse to have dysfunctional relationships! I can’t fix anyone but myself. (Hope)

This big man (reality) with the stick told me, James! You can’t fix other but you can fix yourself. So stop wasting you’re time and start healing yourself or I will hit you again with my big stick!

So that is what I did, what I am doing and what I will be doing, then and only then will I be ready for a normal, loving and long-term relationship.. I am dating again but this time with no expectations. Just spending quality time with quality people. But this time I go into dating with a clear ideal what is normal and what isn’t when it comes to “any” relationship.

James

http://www.takebackyourheart.com/

Boy did this web site speak volumes to me. When questioning ourselves about “what’s wrong with me?”.

I read one book that talked about personal power.

We have two kinds. One is called power over and then the other personal power.

This book goes on to explain that both “powers” co-exist but in different realities.

When reading LovingAnnie blog I keep thinking about this. The cop wanted power over Annie and Annie had personal power.

I will try to get the authors name and title of the book. I can’t tell you just how many books I have read, Lord knows that all the books would fill a small size room.

Well, reading is one of my passions.

Beverly

James, I have to say that when my relationship with the Narcissist finished last year – it was the website ‘Take Back Your Heart’ that pointed the way to my devastating realisation of who and what I had been involved with. This website was the diagnosis for me, as I knew he was up to ‘tricks’ but I just couldnt understand ‘what’ he was doing and ‘what’ he was trying to gain. Shortly after that, all the pieces fell into place -and I saw the ‘nature of the beast’ – that was a shocking realisation for me then. I have come to terms with it and learnt from it.

I am going to do a full article on this subject soon, but I can’t resist saying this now. I try to read everything I can about power motivation because I think understanding it is key to understanding psychopathy/sociopathy. I read this week that people who are high in both affiliation motivation and power motivation tend to be neurotic. It is very hard to be stable if you are that driven.

Certain occupations attract people who are high in power motivation. Law enforcement tops the list. There are three types of officers 1) balanced power and love motives- exceptional human beings 2) high in both affiliation and power motivation but unbalanced/neurotic and 3) only power motivated and unable to love. I don’t know the prevalance of the three types among offficers but would guess the later two types are most prevalent. Be aware of this when dating law enforcement officers.

hummingbird1418

I read about Annie’s experience with a sociopath, and reflected on my own experience.

My S had an ongoing relationship with his godson’s mother during the entire time we were together as a couple (four years). He used his son and grandchildrens as excuses for the time that he was spending with this woman. He took her on his “family” vacations and holidays while I stayed home.

I thought that there must be something wrong with me. I was afraid of being alone and I put up with his behavior for several months after I found out about his deceptions (lies). He convinced me that the trips were just an old friend travelling with his family, although the fact that he didn’t tell me at the time was a serious omission.

Beverly

Yes, hummingbird, they are very good at lying by ‘omission’. I am sure that this is how they talk themselves into believing that they are not lying. I think another thing they do, is to reveal snippets of events, so in their mind, they have let themselves off the hook, by thinking they have ‘told you’. My exN lied by ommission all the way through.

But I kept checking on him, by asking him the same questions phrased differently, as to why he had broken up with past girlfriends etc etc, but he had stock in trade answers which I am sure are the same ‘reasons’ he uses to tell all his prey, which so easily lets him off the hook and which ‘seem’ reasonable. If a man tells you that his last girlfriend went back to her ex boyfriend, how would you possibly know that this wasnt true, especially if she didnt live in your area, you have no way of checking. He had lots of unexplained gaps, that set my pulse racing, because I had inward fears, that he had either been in an institution or had committed some misdemenour, as he had 3 year gaps between girlfriends (so he said).

Dont worry Hummingbird, I was afraid of being alone and I put up with the crap too, but it got too much for me, especially as I was starting to get a glimpse of what he had in store for me. At that stage I decided that NO relationship was better than being dead!!

Beverly

Just reading the lead article today on ‘Cyberpaths’. My exN was definately the emotional blackmailer, but that was how he confused me. He stated strongly at the start, that he does not hit women, so that led me to believe that he has respect for women. what I didnt realise that that statement was a cover for his abusing trickery.

Like it says in the article, I couldnt put my finger on what he was up to, but I KNEW he was up to something. All the things I found myself saying at the time, were my signposts – stuff like ‘This relationship is like a roller coaster and I feel so drained and exhausted all the time’.

hummingbird1418

Beverly,
I wrote this in another post:

He told me before Mother’s Day that he was buying tickets to a play for his son and daughter-in-law. He said that he was spending Mother’s Day with his mother in Philadelphia. I found out from his cell phone charges that he never left Baltimore on Mother’s Day and probably took his “girlfriend” to the play. How could a son lie about his Mother?

There are gaps in their stories and inconsistencies galore. I guess I saw what I wanted to see at the time and ignored the “red flags” that were flying. I think that we protect ourselves by ignoring the very signals that our minds are trying to send us to warn us of danger. I know I should have been more aware of what was going on, but I chose to ignore it and stay in a blissful fog.

Beverly

Dear hummingbird. For me, I did not ignore the red flags, I just wanted to believe the better explanation, which was one of many that came into my head. There were times, when suspicious ideas came into my head, and I quickly dismissed them, thinking well no-one could act that low!!! I also questionned him alot, but he had a range of plausible excuses at hand, and the old usual ones ‘gotta work late’, ‘tired’ etc.

hummingbird1418

Beverly,

My P had many excuses for his extracurricular activities. There was always the famous “my son or grand-children are coming over or spending the night”. Surprisingly, there was never any evidence of their presence.

I can’t believe how naively I accepted his bogus explanations. When I did question him about an activity, I was told that I either didn’t trust him or I was insecure. I had never been involved in any way with someone who can bend the truth to suit their needs or manipulate others like this man did.

Beverly

Isnt that just the truth Hummingbird. YES we didnt trust them and YES they were making us feel insecure. My ex protected his privacy big time. I look for consistent behaviour, and reliability – which is something they cannot maintain.

Ox Drover

After my husband died I was so lonely, so vulnerable, so needy, I jumped into a relationship with a flamming P. After he was gone, I was doubly traumatized, lonely, and felt lower than “whale poo poo” (at the bottom of the ocean)!

Then after another year of psychopathic chaos and fear, crazy making and starting to heal, I realize that I am not yet ready to even consider another relationship. My wounds have stopped gushing arterial blood, and a scab has formed,, and around the edges I can see new material filling in the gaping holes in my emotional flesh, but I know that I still need to concentrate on ME, only my complete healing. The wounds are healing, but my mind, body and spirit, need to concentrate on that healing, on the remodeling of my emotional broken bones, on the closing of my emotional flesh wounds, and the rebuilding of the stores of iron-rich emotional blood that I poured out on the ground and my pillow in the form of great racking sobs of tears.

I’m still not restored totally to emotional good health, stablity and steadiness. When I “get up to walk” I am stronger, more steady on my feet, but I think if the road is a bit too rough, I might easily fall down again at this point, and reinjure some of the wounds that are still healing.

So just as if I was coming out of a series of emotional surgical procedures, traction, fevers, and infections, I start to walk carefully, with my friends (you) and my family holding my hands to steady me. Walking a little farther each day, doing exercises in my chair, eating well, sleeping well, and focusing on ME.

There will come a day when I may be more ready for a relationship, but they take time, effort, strength, and steadiness…I’m not yet ready for that marathon, but I will work toward being strong and steady enough to run again…and when I can run again, I will.

nightmare

HI ALL. I HAVEN’T WRITTEN ON HERE IN A WHILE BUT I READ IT FAITHFULLY…….. THIS POST REALLY CHURNED ME AS MY EX SOCIOPATH WAS A COP…………WHEN I MET HIM HE SAID HE WAS DIVORCED 4 YEARS . HE WAS 41 AND A COP FOR 20 YEARS WHY WOULD I DOUBT A MAN WHO IS A POLICE OFFICER . THEY DON’T LIE…………. BOY WAS I WRONG AFTER 7 YEARS OF DATING THIS SICKO. I FOUND OUT SO MUCH I DIDN’T KNOW THE ENTIRE TIME . LIKE HE HAS A WIFE AND KIDS. WHICH HE DIVORCED WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER AND THEN AFTER WE BROKE UP HE MARRIED ANOTHER WOMEN WITHIN 10 MONTHS. COME TO FIND OUT HE WAS SEEING HER FOR 7 YEARS ALSO. ….. ALL THE TIME HE WAS ABSENT OR AWAY SAYING IT WAS UNDERCOVER. WORK. I BELIEVED HIM……… I THINK IT WAS A POWER AND A SEX THING WITH HIM . THE SEX WAS GOOD BECAUSE I LOVED HIM BUT UNDERNEATH I KNEW SOMETHING WAS NOT QUITE RIGHT. HE WAS LIKE A MACHINE WITH NO SOLE. NOW I KNOW ITS BECAUSE HE WAS A SOCIOPATH. I ALSO FOUND OUT HE WAS SEEING OTHER WOMEN TOO………… ITS BEEN ABOUT 9 MONTHS SINCE I FOUND OUT EVERYTHING AND LET ME TELL YOU ITS HARD…
I HAD ANXIETY PANIC DISORDER BEFORE I MET HIM . AND AFTER THIS. THE ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION WAS LIKE SOMETHING I NEVER FELT. I COULD HARDLY WORK . THE DR’S TRIED SEVEREL MEDICATIONS. BUT I DON’T THINK MEDS DO ANYTHING. ITS A GRADUAL HEALING AND ACCEPTANCE OF …. yes you were taken for a fool and conned. ITS VERY HARD . TO GET PAST IT . BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME………..

HE ENDED UP GETTING FIRED FROM THE FORCE FOR TESTING POSITVE FOR COCAINE. JUST 6 MONTHS SHY OF FULL RETIREMENT ” OH POOR THING”””” NOT ….I NEVER KNEW HE WAS INTO DRUGS BUT NOW RECALL HE ASLO HAD A CLOGGED NOSE AND AN AFRIN BOTTLE NEAR THE BED. SAID IT WAS ALERGIES….. SO THINGS DO CATCH UP WITH YOU ………HE IS REMEMBERED IN TOWN AS A DIRTY COP.

THANKS FOR LISENING.

EMJ170ORD

Amen to all your comments! Knowledge is powerful! Ditto!
This has been a very self discovering lesson for me. I am a fixer; I feel more comfortable giving than receiving – and I gave everything emotionally and financially. I too had many red flags, but never could find the truth; they do lie by omission; and what a roller coaster ride!
James – you said it all. Your list is what I too have had to learn myself. I say things happen for a reason. This has been an expense lesson, but I feel that if hadn’t happened with this S, it would have happened with someone else. I can now begin to see how I came to be a fixer – another story for another time. I am certainly in a better place now than I was two years ago when I figured out what was going on. It took me 5 1/2 years to figure out about my S, so it will probably take that long to undo the damage.
God Bless All of You! We are all survivors!

James

Beverly

Thanks for the infor on “Cyberpaths”. Its a new word for me. Will research it and thanks again

James

EMJ170ORD

I fixer I was, but a fixer (other then my self and children) I am no more!

Ox Drover

James,

Your list is GREAT! Right on!

EMJ, I think many of us tried to be “fixers” and in truth became “enablers”—doing for others what was their own responsibilities. We hid it from ourselves by telling ourselves we were being “helpful” “giving” “caring” “sharing” etc. but in the end, we were trying to fix the unfixable. EVen though our motives were “good”–still, we were doing something we shouldn’t have done.

Whether it is as simple as picking up your teenaged kid’s clothes off the floor where they have thrown them, rather than requiring that they be responsible for themselves and pick up their own clothing, or if it is bailing someone out of jail when they have driven drunk and been arrested—whatever we do to try to “fix” someone else’s bad behavior is not good for either us or them.

Until we stop S-T-O-P this kind of behavior, we will always put ourselves in the path of people who are content to let us pick up their clothing, and bail them out. As long as we do this, WHAT MOTIVATION DO THEY HAVE TO CORRECT THEIR BEHAVIOR? Of course the Ps are NOT going to correct their behavior because they don’t want to, they are “entitled” to have you pickk up their clothes and to have you pay their fines, their bail, etc. and with those people it must be NC.

Setting appropriate boundaries between being a “fixer” and a “friend” who helps is a day to day decision, but we must learn how to do this in a healthy manner. I think that without these healthy boundaries we somehow have a sign on our foreheads that flashes neon red to the Ps “LOOK HERE, I’M A GREAT VOLUNTEER VICTIM! PICK ME FOR YOUR NEXT PATSY”

Personally, I’m ready to turn off that sign and get on with the rest of my life. LOL

Beverly

Having read quite alot about enabling. Does anyone think that as carers as nurturers we are good at giving energy, but not good at receiving it. I know this sounds simplistic and fundamental. But I like to explore fundamental issues and get down to grass roots, because then I can unpick another knot. Where did we learn these values? From our Mothers? I had this value that if I made myself ‘useful’ to other people, then somehow I had earned my ‘keep’. Does this make sense to anyone?

rperk6069

It makes sense to me. When someone gives to me, I feel that no matter what, I have to give back. If a person keeps on giving, I keep on giving back. It isn’t that I need to be the “last one” to give, it’s that I feel like I OWE them. Almost like I have paid my dues so to speak. I think I got it from both of my parents, they do the same. Have a hard time accepting but it is so easy to give.
If someone compliments me in any way, my face turns red, I turn my head away and mumble thanks. I do not believe them and if I do, I am embarrased about it. I think that goes hand in hand with loving to give but not being able to receive ANYTHING.
I have a hard time accepting people into my life knowing intellectually that they do not want anything from me but friendship, but always secretly wondering what they want from me, they can’t possibly want to be around me just for me. I don’t know how to get to the point where I can receive gracefully and not feel as tho I need to reciprocate.

Beverly

There is a whole philosophy around ‘giving’, I have felt this when I have given to others. If we take the wider scope, around keeping the ‘score’ even, we will see that the giving and receiving transaction does not have to take place with the same person. I.e. I listen to you (I give), but my friend listens to me (I receive), I think the universe is much more dynamic than we imagine. You can give and receive in different respects. I so understand what you are saying rperk6069, it feels like an obligation to give. Because many of us feel ‘less than worthy’ we feel we need to earn ‘our existence’ by constantly giving out. We are good enough as we stand, without having to do a thing!! It is taking me many years to get my head around this one. And I am still working on it!!

Ox Drover

Absolutely, I understand about the giving vs receiving. In all cultures there is the “law of reciprocity” where essentially it is “you scratch my back and I will scratch yours.”

Some cultures take it further that no matter what, if you have shared bread (and/or salt) i.e. a meal that they must give you hospitality.

In my culture (Scots-Irish) you are careful whom you receive gifts from, because you do not want to be “beholden” to someone who is not a relative or a CLOSE friend. Even if you ask a favor of someone who is glad to do it, you offer to pay them for it, or reciprocate in some way.

It is FINE to GIVE, but not so much to take. There is a lady I know who would give to anyone FREELY, but this retarded girl who lives near her and walks by her house to the store always stops back by her yard and offers her a jelly bean and she never would take one from the girl, because “the girl had so little”—but I told her that it is also a GIFT to the girl to take one of the jelly beans because it allows the girl to share.

I have a very difficult time accepting gifts and compliments. I have NO problems giving to anyone….to a fault actually. I think that is also part of the enabling thing. I give and give and give in the hopes that someone will give back, and when they never do, I feel hurt, but I would NEVER ASK for anything from them. Never let them know how hurt I was that they just took and took and took…somehow I think maybe I never felt worthy of a gift from someone else.

I am FIERCELY independent financially…even a tight wad with myself, but will give freely to anyone else. Would do without something I wanted very badly to buy a gift for someone else with the money. Would only borrow money in a dire emergency, and then pay it back immediately. When my mother accused me of “being after” her money, it was such a ludiercous accusation because she has frequently offered me money if I needed it (Do you need any money?) and I have always refused. I think partly because I know her “gifts” always have strings attached, but frankly I would have lived in a tent and eaten out of a McDonald’s dumpster before I would have asked for a dime from my mother, because I know that her “generosity” always contains a “hook”. There are other people though that I would have not hesitated to borrow money from if I had needed it. Not my mother though.

I’m reading a book now about how we get our egos tangled up with what we own and those things become part of who we “are”–which of course gives those things power over us. If we lose something or it is stolen, etc. we grieve like we had lost a part of ourselves. Really, stuf is just stuff…of course you need a minimum of things to live, dress, eat etc. but more than that just becomes extra and how attached we are to that “stuff” leaves us open to grief when it goes away in one way or another, as all “stuff” does. No one takes a U-haul to the funeral home or the grave. So in the end, how much STUFF you have isn’t what is important about our lives.

I think in a way my “simplification” project–getting rid of STUFF I don’t use or need, getting rid of the huge amount of things I have collected during my life, just keeping the things I DO use and enjoy, and getting rid of the rest. It is amazing how FEW things I really NEED or use. I didn’t need 50 pairs of blue jeans, or 25 tee shirts…Or a closet full of “dressy” clothes I never wore…so cut it down to 5 or 6 pair jeans, 7 or 8 tees for each season (cold and hot) five pair of shoes, etc. rather than the tens of things I never used or wore.

Service for 12 of dishes? Enough skillets, pots and pans to cook for 100? OUT–gave it to the tornado victims here in our county. Enough towels for a Turkish bath house? OUT! Enough sheets for a hotel? OUT! Enough stuff to dust to keep me busy all the time? OUT! Musical instruments I no longer play? OUT! Every piece of paper that ever went across my professional or personal desk? OUT! Every newspaper clipping I cut out of the paper? Every one of the 1000+ books I ever read and enjoyed? Every medical reference book I ever owned? Every tool my husband ever owned, or my grandfather ever touched, the twisted bridle from my first horse. OUT OUT OUT O-U-T!!!!!!!

If it is useful and someone else can use it, give it away or sell it if I don’t use it. If it isn’t useful then trash it.

Living in the RV last summer and fall made me take a different look at the STUFF in my life–the more stuff you have the more stuff you have to take care of, find room for, store. WHY??? I’m not trying to impress anyone with my “stuff”—so SIMPLIFY—and that’s what I am doing. I’m getting rid of the “surplus” people (NC Forever) and the surplus stuff. Just keeping what and who I really enjoy, the things and people that really give me pleasure. Those outmoded things that are no longer important in my life are just baggage holding me down. I want to be free of the Ps and free of the “anchors” of stuff I am responsible for. STUFF won’t make me happy, so why hang on to it? Sometimes I fantasize about getting down to just what will fit in my RV and my dog–I doubt that I will ever get to that point while I am still able and healthy, but I could if I really needed to.

rperk6069

OxDrover,
Your paragraph 3rd from the bottom just cracked me up! I am glad you gave it to the hurricane victims. What is one persons junk, is anothers priceless possesion. Good for you!

rperk6069

tornado victims. Sorry.

Ox Drover

I drove by these homes, only ONE mile north of my house, and saw the devestation of an entire neighborhood–homes gone, only the foundations left, barns and fences, garages, tractors, etc GONE or in twisted pieces. Some people lost everything except the clothes they were wearing at the time, and 3 people lost their lives…so why should I keep all this stuff I no longer use packed away in boxes in the storage area? So it can rot there before I “need” it—if I even remembered I had it.

God has blessed me with more than enough for myself, and I am also a “thrifty” person as well. I never have been one to want “fancy” stuff—I’d prefer flea market “finds” and such. I dressed my kids from yard sales–they told me they didn’t know stores sold clothes til they were teenagers, they thought you bought them in someone’s front yard! LOL

But seriously, I guess I have my grandparent’s “depression era” mentality–wear it out and use it up…so if something had “some good left in it” I would keep it and had difficulty throwing it out, but I just finally “got real” about it all. Cleaned out the closet to the few things I actually WORE, got rid of the rest, and went from there.

Maybe this is just part of the “new me”—lean and fit–now if I could just get rid of 10 pounds of lard off my butt……LOL

LovingAnnie

Donna, and everyone else who took the time to comment :

THANK YOU SO MUCH !

This is hugely helpful to me –

1) knowing I am not alone in this kind of experience –

2) that I was truly just being played with for his own entertainment value and not misreading him;

3) withholding sex WAS a power play.

4) seeing the ways not to be healthier in my own behavior – and so I wouldn’t be vulnerable like that again/ waiting like mold for love to grow 🙂

*I have been feeling stronger in the last week or so. Finally knowing that I don’t want someone in my life who is, for any reason whatsoever, willing to abandon me, play cat and mouse games with my heart and not be consistently present in my life. That even if he came back – and I know he won’t – that I wouldn’t want him. Because I see who he is now, and what his behavior is. I am not turned on by the illusions anymore – I deserve better. *

Loving Annie

Ox Drover

Annie,

Thanks for sharing your story with us…in some ways it was “different” and in others, the same old “Song of the P”—and NO, you are NOT ALONE. I wish I could say you were, but unfortunately there are “zillions” of us there beside you, this doesn’t seem to be a rare event by any means. Sometimes it seems “like they are everywhere.”

I am so glad that you are healing and learning from this “cat and mouse” game that he played with your heart. YES, you DO deserve better. I am glad that at least he cheated himself out of his pension–good enough for him! Sometimes they do get justice on this earth! Thanks again for sharing!

LovingAnnie

OxDrover : Good Wednesday evening.

What made you think he cheated himself out of his pension ? Do you know something I don’t ?
As far as I know, he is still a sheriff, going on 23 years now.

I think it was the commenter ‘nightmare’ whose cop got fired for cocaine use

Karma WOULD be nice, but I don’t need it to be at peace with the whole thing finally. Maybe because finally what happens to him doesn’t matter.
I almost don’t care enough to be interested anymore, (I care more aboiut my own life) and that is a VERY VERY good thing.

And HolyWaterSalt : Read the link you provided here to your blog post – and the four before it.

OMG. I’m sorry you had to go through that – and he your guy and the cop could have been twins.
Unbelievably similar words and actions – and so were your repsonses just like what I felt.

Your writing has helped me tremendously. I’m so glad you came by my blog a few months ago and commented !

Knowledge is power and freedom and peace of mind eventually.

No more sociopaths or emotionally unavailable men for any of us !!! Just Say No 🙂

James : True. The power thing never entered my head. I’m learning things at 50 I wish I had learned at 15 !

Thanks for the website link – those articles helped a lot too !!! It’s like all this information is lifting the last bits of clinging to the illusions/confusion – and dispersing them 🙂

Liane L : I look forward to reading your article !

Aloha Traveler : Yes, I was ‘controlling’ by paying a year’s worth of his overdue property taxes. (now I do admit I invaded his personal privacy/boundaries by doing so without his knowledge. Good intentions or not, I wouldn’t do something like that again. Recsuing IS co-dependent, and anonymous gifts only seem to be a thrill when you read about them in People Magazine 🙂

LovingAnnie

p.s. There is another excellent website for information about guys like this called Bagge Reclaim – and it in it was great series of articles on Emotionally Unavailable Men

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

I think I found the link on HolyWaterSalt’s blog.

Finding out my own part in all this has really opened my eyes. At first I just blamed myself for it, felt endless shame, guilt, remorse, wanted to ‘fix’ it (illusion #99) — now I see the real issue is about fixing myself so that a guy like this – or a sociopath – isn’t of any interest to me, no matter how cute he is or how charming he pretends to be initially.

There is a difference between taking responsibility for my actions – and accepting unacceptable behavior.

James

OxDrover

“I think many of us tried to be “fixers” and in truth became “enablers—”doing for others what was their own responsibilities. We hid it from ourselves by telling ourselves we were being “helpful” “giving” “caring” “sharing” etc. but in the end, we were trying to fix the unfixable. EVen though our motives were “good—“still, we were doing something we shouldn’t have done.”

Thank you and I couldn’t had said it any better! THANKS!

James

rperk6069

“It makes sense to me. When someone gives to me, I feel that no matter what, I have to give back”

I agree that I have done this as well. Thank God it’s only a learn habit. Anything that we “learned” i.e. train in we can always unlearned it or better yet, retrain ourselves not to do it. Habits can be stopped. Like let’s say like smoking. Nasty habit for sure, but we can quit if we want too. It’s not going to be easy for sure (I am a smoker and hate the habit) but it can be done. I always believe the reason I started to smoke and sometimes enjoy it is because my “oral stage” i.e. Basic Themes of Freud’s theory, oral stage: major conflict: Weaning, Oral incorporative (0 – 6 months) Oral sadistic (6 – 18 months) wasn’t completed normally. Well just a theory of mine. Another theory is that smoking help me in the short term when dealing with stress. Remembering my own “roller coaster” ride with my ex P. During World War II, cigarettes was given to the troops to help with combat stress. Thank you soooo much Uncle Sam! But hey, we didn’t know about the danger of cigarette smoking back then. We do now!

Well anyway, habits can be stopped, retrain or relearned.

James

*I have been feeling stronger in the last week or so. Finally knowing that I don’t want someone in my life who is, for any reason whatsoever, willing to abandon me, play cat and mouse games with my heart and not be consistently present in my life. That even if he came back – and I know he won’t – that I wouldn’t want him. Because I see who he is now, and what his behavior is. I am not turned on by the illusions anymore – I deserve better. *

LovingAnnie, Yes you do (“I deserve better”). Much much better! And I know you will find it! Same as all of us, same of me. I deserve better! My children deserve better! We all Deserve Better! LovingAnnie, thank you for sharing your story and I know that took courage! Thank you!

Ox Drover

Annie, Yes, my short term memory blipped again, I was mixing two stories—and you are right, it doesn’t matter if they get “just deserts” in this life or not, not for our healing, but if they do, that is only better.

The comment about joining an animal rescue society made me thinkk of something about “rescuing” that is recently a big deal in the farming community.

There used to be considerable horse slaughter for meat to be shipped overseas. Older animals or ones that were dangerous were slaughtered for meat for human consumption in Canada and France and other countries. Horse meat is quite good, and actually more healthy for humans than beef. The fat is less artery clogging etc and there is less fat and it is all very tender.

However, because in this country horses are considered more “pets” than cattle, a large group of horse lovers who thought this was HORRIBLE to harvest the meat from horses got a law passed that there would be NO SLAUGHTER of horses in US. There is now no plant that will take them at all.

So the RESULT? Old horses have NO $$$ value. They cannot be sold at all. No one will buy them. So if you have a horse which is old, infirm, in pain, injured, whatever—-that animal is 1200 pounds of suffering. What do you do with it? Pay $500 for someone to come haul off and bury it?

Recently, someone in our rurall area moved to town. They had a horse that was not rideable, it was dangerous, and they could not sell it so they just turned it loose on the highway where a car could have slammed into 1200 pounds of horse (a 100 pound deer can total your car) It some how got into my pasture. I tried to find it a home and couldn’t as it was dangerous. So I ended up putting the animal down and harvested the meat ourselves. Most people however are not able or equipped to do this. A friend in California had to find someone to put down and haul off one of her horses that was ill. People are taking horses to auctions, giving phony names and then when no one buys the horse, are leaving them.

This WELL INTENTIONED law has had horrible results for horses. More horses have suffered much more and in unintended ways because people became emotional about something that they knew nothing about. A horse is a large animal, disposal is difficult and costly, and as a result, the animal is actually the one to suffer because there is no HUMANE way to put them down. What is the difference if the meat is eaten or buried? People in China eat dog. I don’t choose to eat dog, but so what? When some animal is dead, what difference what happens to the body?

When we let EMOTIONAL concerns override our good sense, or when we focus on “preventing” problems for others, sometimes we CREATE more pain because we tried to “help.”

When I used to incubate eggs of various kids, I used to try to “help” the baby get out of the shell so he would not die before he was born. As a consequence I “helped” baby birds hatch that SHOULD have died by nature’s hand, because they could not have the strength to open the shell. My GOOD INTENTIONS were bad results.

When we ENABLE someone to behave poorly or badly and succeed anyway we are NEVER helping them. We frustrate ourselves and become resentful because our sacrifices to HELP turn out badly.

There is a BIG difference between “helping” someone and “enabling” and that is what we MUST LEARN before we can stop enabling.

When your teenager spends all their allowance on one thing, and then when tickets to a big concert come along, a once in a lifetime event, and they plead with you to “loan” them the money to go—if you loan it to them, you enable them. Letting them miss this TEACHES them that they should keep some money in reserve for “emergencies”—if you loan them the money they learn instead “oh, I can always borrow money from mom, and even if I have to pay it back I still dont’ miss out.”

Our current financial crisis of debt in the US today is because many many people have a credit card and NO impulse control, so debt creeps up until it is a mountain that cannot be paid back.

Many of the Ps took financial advantage of people here with our “helping” tendencies, which were really enabling instead. They used that “guilt” and “caring” to our disadvantages. I was fortunate that my P XBF didn’t do that to me, but my SON P did. I sent him money in prison for things to make his life easier, to buy a fan to keep him cooler in the summer, an electric razor, better food, money to buy tools for the craft shop, money he could trade for favors from other convicts, money to bribe guards for perfered treatment. Over the nearly 20 years he has been in prison, there is “no telling” how much money I sent him–thousands upon thousands–though I DELUDED myself I wasn’t enabling him because I never spent more tens of thousands to hire him a lawyer because I knew he was guilty and it would be a waste of money as it wouldn’t have gotten him off anyway.

For much of the time I was sending him the money it wasn’t just pocket change to me, but I was working very hard, over time, to just make a liviing, so it was really “out of my own mouth”–

When I stopped sending him money, my mother took over. She also spent nearly $10,000 to hire an attorney to represent him in his first parole hearing. Which thank God, failed to get him released…and with me working to keep him inside, he decided the best and easier way was to have me killed, for both inheritence and getting out on parole.

When we ENABLE/RESCUE someone, I think there are always unintended consequences. I had a therapist tell me once that the ONLY “legitimate” rescue was to pull an unconscious person from a burning building. I agree with her. If they can walk, they need to get themselves out, we don’t need to carry them. I’m learning, finally, and though enabling is a heavily ingrained habit I am doing my best to break it. Like Free says “baby steps.”

LovingAnnie

OxDrover,
What a horrifiying story. My empathy to you.
Your point about rescuing is well taken.

The only thing I wonder today is : Could he really simply be a human being who didn’t want me – and I am unbale to accept that rejection/fact and so I am looking for labels to judge him with ?

It’s absurd for me to try to be so fair.

Grrrrr. I feel great strong/clear for a few hours and then I slide back into self-doubt. I wonder what the purpose of that is – and it just may be habit. Habits can be broke, yes ?

Ox Drover

Annie, thank you for your empathy, it is that empathy from other victims that has helped me make it through.

No story is more “horrifying” than another—all of us have pain that has FILLED our souls—Pain fills the entire being whether it is child birth or a smashed toe, or an amputated limb.

“Normalizing” these people is what makes us crazy–we KNOW it isn’t “normal” but we keep trying to fit the square peg into the round hole and we can’t understand why it won’t fit.

THEY ARE NOT LIKE US. We can’t make them like us. They don’t want to be like us. I do think that they know they are “not like us” but they despise us because we CARE. We are “patsies” because we care. They don’t care, so they are “superior.” (in their minds at least) We only make ourselves crazy trying to fit the square peg into the round hole. If it doesn’t fit–QUIT!

krptdnacnce

Realizing the narcissist in your partner is …

Like Death

It is like death,
Taking your every breath
Killing everything
Of anything left.
Nothing
And for always will be never
Agony anguish annihilation
Realization I have been deceived
Apparently you have been relieved
What a fool the things I believed
I thought you sincere I have been fooled
And you telling an entirely different story
I never saw it coming I have been schooled
Oh I wish for happier tymes
Before your poisoning mind infected myne
The dramas the scenes the hell bound maze
Over and over in my mind it plays
Like a big screen movie, your faults it displays.
Your f****d up deceitful; ignorant ways.
Unfolding it begins to reveal
The manipulated conditions
You were never real
You played a part that was not you but pretend
You overstepped the boundaries of friends
And so far beyond acceptable
Crucified it beyond amends
Scarred for life nothing will be the same
played I was, your terms your twisted game
Used and discarded but never again.
You are sorry that’s right, but not for what you’ve done
I have never been treated so disrespectful by anyone
You had no right, i didn’t know you could
You betrayed me in every way imaginable- but swore you never would
I am mad I am sad I am angry and I cry
No explanation, no excuses, you styll won’t say goodbye
And care so; little that you don’t even try
You made me question
Everyone’s best intention
For I had no previous apprehension
But of all the scheming and massacring
Of which you make no mention
You are foul acting as if you aren’t in the wrong
Its not important, because I was played all along.
Try as I might and hope as I do
I cry for the stories you tell as if true
I grieve the loss of someone I never knew
Unnecessary annihilation
I will never be the same after what you have put me through
And I regret the day I fell in with you
It was like Death
Taking my final breath.
Killing everything
There is nothing left.

Thank you so much for your blog I felt so alone and helpless-now I feel stronger and not so alone- Here’s to all the survivors!! Love and light

Taryn Trapp

James

Loved your poem! Here is one of mine.

The New Year for me
By James XXXXXX

Once abused and batted and used
My NPD just left me
A year of pain and dark days ahead of me
Crawling at first, then walking so slow
Wondering why my NPD left me
What more could I do!
What more could I give!
To save my NPD from leaving me

So now I walk a lonely road
So dark and cold, for I am so alone
But what is this I see!
A book on this road given to me
About a thing called NPD

I open the book and what a surprise
it is to me!
That other suffered by their NPD
Oh, what joy it’s to be!
That other’s know about a NPD

Soon, I grow and feel stronger with each path I see.
Studying from my book on NPD
Learning from each page I read
Walking much faster, then before
When my NPD who left me

Now I look ahead with pride and joy
Knowing why my NPD could just use me
And throwing away our dreams that
can never be with any NPD.

I now look forward to the New Year
With knowledge of my NPD
Stronger and wiser then my NPD
Running not walking to meet my
New friends who also knows about their NPD.

You can’t hide any more my NPD
You can’t take my heart and dreams away from me
No, my NPD, you will never take that From me
No never again for now I am free
from you my NPD…..

secondchanze

Im sitting here in tears today. I logged on to obtain strength. I broke down and text my sociopath this am, telling him that I still love him and I miss him. The sick part about this is that i do. I do love myself and see that I have been addicted to him for the past 11 years as well as the sex and illussions that spilled from his lips. Hurts too think that I was only entertainment for him. He professed all that i ever wanted to hear and I see now how my being so open was power for him to manipulate me. I believe he might be a sex addict as well. But the pain still shreds me as he feasts on it. Yet he can put on the crocodile tears and have me believe that he is hurting as well. I thought he was my soul mate…I am a strong, independent, intelligent 40 yr old, why am i having such a hard time-it feels so surreal. I wanted to believe. Letting go is excruciating. I know Im better off without him intellectually, when will my heart catch up?

iradessa

My soc came back last week. Yelling at me that he has”strong emotions for me and that scares him” I said very little and removed myself from him. I like my reaction although I was afraid. I was afraid that I still have that attraction it has disapated yet it is still there. And I do not have to act on it. It sends a chil down my spine when I see how he absolutly is a sociopath and I thought he was a prince. I believe in myself and self confidence is growing. I am able to see red flags with him and get away. I have faith that things will work out for me many things have come my way…I sometimes say to myself I’ll believe it when I see it. I would love a companion, a partner, however, I am so grateful for the here and now and what I DO have. I also had a hard time believing he would treat another woman the same. I reread this stuff to wash my brain of the toxic thoughts that something was wrong with me. That kind of stuff keeps me sick and vulnerable. Easy prey for a guy like that. I keep taking care of me and it gets better.

secondchanze

Thanks Iradessa. I too have to keep rereading. I know i deserve better and have so much to offer. It helped me read your post that he will treat the next one the same way. I keep falling prey to the darkness that he is with someone now that he loves (although I was the only one-LOL)and that she is only going to get the good man in the jeckyll and Hyde persona that he carries. And that she will have all my dreams and live happily ever after. I wonder if that is believing that i am not enough? His first wife was with him 25 years and he lied and cheated on her too. YET I thought i was different, that I was the one. I wanted to be.

Ox Drover

Dear Secondchanze,

We all, I think fell for this “fantasy” that they would be DIFFERENT with US, they told us how special we were/are and how bad the X was, and now things are going to be “wonderful”—but THE BEST INDICATOR OF FUTURE BEHAVIOR IS PAST BEHAVIOR—if they would treat her like that for x number of years, obviously at some point they thought she was great or they wouldn’t hve been with her—they WILL TREAT US LIKE THEY TREATED HER, and they WILL treat the next one after us the same and so on.

They cannot/will not change the way they treat women.

I know it hurts to “lose” the fantasy relaationships we THOUGHT we had with our Ns and Ps—but that is all it is, a FANTASY. YOu have just learned that there is NO SANTA CLAUS, there is no Tooth Fairy, there is no Easter Bunny and it hurts, but you can accept REALITY and grow. As long as you stay stuck in the FOG of fantasy, you can’t grow and heal.

You gave him the power to “make you happy” but no one else can make us happy, it is only for us, as a side benefit of being healthy and living in the Now and in Reality, not fantasy. TAKE BACK YOUR POWER, take back your strength.

(((((hugs)))))) to you, Strong woman! Oxy

rperk6069

The P called me over the weekend, late at night, which is his pattern, he started to talk then suddenly hung up. I know what happened, the girlfriend he has now caught him. I just felt angry, how dare him, he is doing to her what he did to me, calling his old girlfriends to talk and to drag them back in when he is bored.

He will not change for her, he will not stay faithful to her or anyone else who has the misfortune of crossing his path. They don’t change. Ever. None of them do.

Ox Drover

Isn’t it amazing, rperk, when you REALIZE what he was doing? LOL Can’t you imagine the fight they had after she caught him? The lies he told her, etc. I hope she gets out of the FOG too and kicks him to the curb! LOL

LovingAnnie

Krptdnacnce : What a wonderful if painful poem ! You echoed many things about how the cop treated me as well, and how I felt… It helps knowing I wasn’t alone in this – that there ARE people who do this, and it is a sickness, not a flaw in me or lack of lovability…
What a powerful lesson this is to us about how important self-esteem and boundaries are, so that we are never caught/deluded by someone like that again.
Thinking they are genuine is where we get tripped up.

James : Being healed is so essential. It is a long road to get there.
I think of it like a 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzle… I keep thinking I’m finished with missing/aching over him, and yet more knowledge comes in as I struggle to put everything together and be at peace with what happenned.
I will be proud of myself when I don’t give him a second thought and his name evokes no meaning for me.

Free : Thank you for being so supportive !

Secondchanze : My empathy. I have those days too.
It just takes a lot of time, I think. Making new memories with other people, getting involved in new and different activites that take up our thoughts and interest…
Letting go is a very very hard thing when I have been so emotionally invested – maily because I use it to question myself – how can I let go of the dream ? It’s more about my need to have self-esteem than it is about his lies/manipulation/deceit/him…
Learning self-esteem is hard when you don’t have it with men you care about… Even when the rest of your life is totally together and you have a lot to offer.
We don’t like to take ‘no’ for an answer. And we have to and move on.
I’m starting to say ‘I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me’ every time I think of him. Even if it is 100 times a day, I want to reprogram my brain and heart.
I have to know that I am loveable – not just him. He isn’t worth more than me – and neither is your guy.

Iradessa : He is a sociopath that you thought was a Prince. I think that says it for a lot of us here…
They aren’t who we think they are, and that is where the hurt and their power lies.
The seductive beguiling bull**it that draw us in only to destroy us when we find it has no foundation.
The attraction is what hooks us. We are addicts to that longing – and detox is hard.
I am glad that you are taking care of you and it is getting better.

OxDrover : We are NEVER different than their prey from the past – we just wanted to think we were. Good point. They don’t change and they will NOT be normal and kind and consistent and reliable and dependable emotionally.
Getting over the fantasy is exactly what needs to happen, you are correct. Taking back our power that we gave away so willingly. Learning how to make ourselves happy, ah, that feels so much better…
Healhty is living in the NOW. Thank you for your wise words !

Rperk6069 : Don’t answer his phone calls. You are right, he won’t ever change. This I have to know too about the cop.

iradessa

My ego tells me I am good and I am bad. I let this lowlife define how I felt about myself ..if he talks to me I am good, if he parks his car on the opposite side of the street I am bad. Not happening anymore.
The man that played with my head, lied, cheated, whatever that is who she got. SHe got all of it. And I feel sorry for her in a lot of ways however, she is under his trance which makes her a danger to me. I need to keep my tenacious ego in check and say stay away. I cannot fix, help or change this I need to go where I am useful and it is not near him. There are times when I want proof that it is still happening and it wasn’t me. Not that I want another woman to feel the way I felt but I am a work in progress and I need evidence that what everyone says is actully the truth. That sort of thinking keeps me in his control. I can then recoginze it and focus on my reality. BUT IT TAKES WORK AND I AM GLAD I CAN TELL THE TRUTH THAT I AM STILL A LITTLE INSECURE AND NEED SUPPORT WHEREEVER I CAN GET IT.

Aquaman

I am presently a retired Police Officer (32 yrs) as of October 1, 2005.
In August 1999, I met a female, during my duties, at the World Rowing Venue. Actually our first date was 9/11, a year before the actual incident that took place in New York City.
I started slow with matters and being an aquarius, I wear my heart of my sleeve. I am kind, sincere and treat a woman with respect. I tend to give more than I receive in return.
To get to the long and short of my relationship with this fantistic looking gal, I too was not aware nor did I recognize any of the signs that I was dating a sociopath.
As the description for a sociopath has been stated on this site, I had exactly that take place in my life.
I was so in love with this person, as they say, “Love is Blind”
and I was totally destroyed.
I placed in a position by her that I was even arrested by my own follow officers for Criminal Harrassment, which was never investigated as required and the lies told were never substantiated. In fact the officers were told who to interview by myself, to prove my innocence, which included members of her family and my own, which was never done.
Prior to being arrested, I experienced my first mental breakdown and tried to take my life – but was a sign that I needed help.
Throughout the judicial process, the word got out that I was going to take legal action against the police and my former commonlaw, which did not help my cause.
The matter dragged on for 17 months, during which time, I was suspended from my career, destroyed my reputation and mental self, lost many friends and family relatives, etc.
I was susequently,placed on a 2 year Peace Bond with the criminal charge being withdrawn.
I suspension from work was cancelled yet I could not return to work due to powers to be within the police service, I was labelled, with the stigma of having a mental illness.
During the process I suffered a second mental breakdown and went away for help to Homewood in Guelph. I thought I had problems, not till what I heard from many whom were also seeking help.
As a cop, and all there knew of my occupation, I talked with many and man did I ever get an eye opener at Homewood, as to what many others had happened to themselves.
Once my Peace Bond was over, September 2006, I felt some freedom but not much. My former was still out to make life miserable with lies and trying to financially destroy myself, since I had been the co-signer of her car loan.(Ended in January 2007).
Come May 2007, in meeting new friends through hockey which I was coaching adult teams, I found out the truth about my former commonlaw.
During the entire time that we were an item, from Sept. 1999 to March 2003, she had been having a sexual relationship with a fireman, whom she later married.
Now everything made sense was to what took place during our relationship. So I knew her new work email address, (She lost her former job, once they caught up to her and her lies and about our relationship), and sent her an email asking to finish her job by killing me now. That I would supply her with the knife to finish the job.
I also told the facts of life and all her lies and the truth of the entire matter.
So again, she called the police and once again I am in hell, to which I was denied judical process and my lawyer failed to speak out and defend myself. So I was placed in a situation, which will never occur ever in my life, that I had to plead guitly in order to get our of jail, which I came very close to committing suicide should I had not got out by pleading guilty.
I was placed on probation for 3 years, the maximum probation is 4 years, I have no prior record and the judicial system was all one sided once again.
Once I had my freedom and new the truth, I then wanted nothing to do with this matter ever again in my life, even including taking legal action, since my health is more important and as well, my two daughters and now a granddaughter.
There is an old saying, what goes around will come around, that I do hope will heppen to all of those involved, her and the police. The corruption within policing is something else and those involved are like members to a fraternity of evil.
I was not the first who has been singled out by my employer and there has been many others as well with the same police service, the first Regional Police Service in Ontario and still the assholes of the Province of Ontario. The human rights issues that are taking place are an eye opener and management keeps continuing to abuse employees. Yet the employer has paid out millions for such hman rights violations and the government does nothing to assist those victims.
To those whom have been bitten by a sociopath, my heart goes out to each and every one of you. I know exactly what you have been through and I never thought that this would ever happen to myself.
Health is very important and please look after yourself. It is not easy, as I have my difficult times as well, since 2003. Life has improved and I am scared to death to be in a relationship, yet I would love to be in one at the same time.

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