Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been writing for Lovefraud as regularly over the last year. The reason is I have been working to get a research program off the ground. Objective scientific research on psychopathy and the family will inform a better understanding of the disorder and educate professionals about the needs of victims and family members. In a very exciting and lucky turn of events, an expert in “mixed methods” research has an office down the hall from mine at the University of Bridgeport, and l have recently learned a great deal about how to conduct this kind of research.
I have long appreciated that the usual mathematical approach to psychological research does not seem to illuminate the disorder psychopathy and its effects on the family. I am not the first to suggest this as a researcher. Kirkman used methods termed “qualitative” to study the impact of partner psychopathy on women. Researchers using qualitative methods can gain an appreciation for the actual experiences of victims. In mixed methods research, qualitative approaches and traditional quantitative approaches are combined to get the big picture of a phenomenon—exactly what we need here.
One way to perform a qualitative study is to review literature about a topic. So to cover the topic of psychopathy in parents as thoroughly as possible, I am going to review every book I can find written by an adult son or daughter of a psychopath/sociopath. As I finish the reviews, I’ll share my impressions with you. If you know of any such books, please comment so I can order and read them.
Books written by adult sons and daughters of psychopaths
The first of four books on my list so far is Evil Eyes: A daughter’s memoir by Cherylann Thomas. I already wrote a brief review of this book for Amazon.com and gave it 5 stars. Please everyone who reads this review go to Amazon and buy the book, or go to Google Books to download the ebook. It is important to support these authors by purchasing and taking the time to read their books. I took many pages of notes as I read the book and will share some of my impressions with you.
I only found one mistake in the book, but the mistake is cute and relatively harmless. For some reason it gave me a bit of a chuckle and made me feel a sense of fondness for Cherylann. She is not a mental health professional but actually does an excellent job of explaining the difference between “malignant narcissism” and “psychopathy.” In so doing she credits Sam Vaknin, a psychopath and self-described “malignant narcissist,” with coming up with the phrase “malignant narcissism.” While I am sure Sam would love to take the credit for this term, it was actually Psychoanalyst Otto Kernberg, M.D., who coined the phrase and developed a theory linking malignant narcissism to the cause of psychopathy.
Cherylann points out that psychopaths are more impulsive than malignant narcissists and are less able to pretend to conform to society’s rules or portray a mask of normalcy. This idea is in agreement with Kernberg’s writing. She also states that she believes psychopaths hurt people on purpose for the sheer enjoyment of it, whereas malignant narcissists’ abuse is more a consequence of their selfishness. Although this thought is also in agreement with Kernberg’s writing, it might be important for the author to hold this view because she asserts that her father was a psychopath and her mother was a malignant narcissist (perhaps mother was not as evil?). Though by her many descriptions, it sure appeared to me that Cherlyann’s mother enjoyed the abuse she inflicted, and abused with the same malice and forethought that I would attribute to a psychopath.
What happens to children who have psychopathic parents?
Cherylann’s book describes the consequences of growing up with psychopathic parents as follows:
1. Children grow up never being loved and so come to believe they are unlovable.
2. Children internalize the abusive messages they receive and these become self-fulfilling prophesies.
3. The lack of socialization leads to poor impulse control and impulsive antisocial behavior that leads to guilt and more self-doubt/hatred.
4. There is an ever present feeling of sadness, guilt, self-doubt and shame.
5. Items 1-4 lead to suicidal ideation and attempts.
Cherylann correctly identifies that adult children of psychopaths suffer with emotional and psychological pain that does not fit neatly into diagnostic categories and that may not be that amenable to medication.
In reading between the lines of the book I also perceived that although Cherylann is a loving, caring person, and so was spared the genetic curse that leads to an inability to love, she does have temperamental traits that we see in children who carry genetic risk. These traits are not necessarily pathological. Reading the book, one gets a sense of inner restlessness, relative fearlessness and excitement seeking. Cherylann is a world traveler who seeks to get to know and connect with a wide variety of people sometimes to her own detriment.
A tendency toward substance abuse was present in most of the family and the severity of the substance abuse seemed connected to the severity of the psychopathy.
Most of the themes of the book are related to self and family experiences as listed below, these were the most important. However I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the frustration the author expressed with the psychiatric profession and its non-recognition of the needs of children of psychopaths. I share her sense of frustration and am also embarrassed by the perception that psychiatry is about pushing pills and making money for pharmaceutical companies.
Important themes related to family and self
The theme of desire for family connection was present throughout the book. Over and over, Cherylann reaches out to and connects with many members of her family who have psychopathic traits. The end result is usually some painful situation but before the pain, there is a sense of connection that seems significant and important to the author. Cherylann says in at least two places that the only way to deal with a psychopath/sociopath is to have no contact, however, she also demonstrates to us that this is easier said than done.
Related to the theme of family connection, the theme of a need to forgive the psychopathic parents was articulated many times throughout the book. A point I found very interesting was that the author had a fondness for her psychopathic father that she did not have for her psychopathic mother. This was due to the father being “absent” and not as emotionally abusive. Her psychopathic father was also fun and charming (as opposed to cold and mean to her the way her mother was). Cherylann’s experience with him differed from that of her half siblings who spent more time with him, and who were directly abused by him. It therefore seems important to reflect on each son’s or daughter’s individual experience with the psychopathic parent.
Also related to family connection, Cherylann provided many pictures of her family in the middle of her story. I was struck by the appearance of normalcy in everyone. The author also stated that her mother’s terrible psychological abuse was a family secret. I would call this theme, therefore, normalcy/secrecy.
The theme of finding meaning and spirituality was also present throughout the book. I found her search for meaning in suffering personally inspiring.
The theme of habitually encountering non-familial psychopaths was present to the extent that, while reading the book, I felt surrounded by psychopaths. Many survivors have reported this same experience to me.
The theme of clinging to loving connections as a way to bring meaning and continuity to self was present. Through motherhood and grand-motherhood, Cheryl felt anchored to this world and to her true self.
The theme of connecting with others who share the same suffering was present. Helping others further brings a feeling of continuity and wholeness to self and gives meaning and purpose to life.
Thank you very much Cherylann, this was a great contribution to our understanding. Today’s children of psychopathic parents will be protected when yesterday’s children who are now adults speak out about their experiences.
Again please read the book and comment if you believe I missed an important theme.
Thank you, Dr. Leedom, for the insight and definitions. I am curious what falls in between psychopath and malignant narcissism.
Some of the earmarks of psychopathy (less able to conform and present the mask of normalcy) does not fit the exspath – he would be the very last person to “peg” as a sociopath by all outward appearances. Yet, he was able to orchestrate a 14-year-long scam that resulted in fraud that would result in a Federal offense, as well as compartmentalizing extremely disturbing and alarming sexual interests/activities that are primarily violence against women.
The family from which the exspath came has a teenaged mother (pregnant at 15 in 1968, and again the following year) who openly disdains her own children, her current husband, men (in general), and anyone who may be educated or hold a better financial/social status that she does. The father is a brow-beaten martyr that has no value (other than income) to the mother, and this is openly expressed. The hafl-sister is a married victim of domestic violence and abuse that is addicted to prescribed medications (morphine, Xanax, etc.) and surgeries, and the half-brother is isolated from family and very, very introverted.
It starts with the eldest son being devalued and introverted, to the daughter being a hopeless victim of domestic violence and abuse, to the exspath being something that is beyond my ability to describe.
So much damage, trauma, and wasted lives. OY-vey
Thank you Dr. Leedom, for the work you’re doing.
I agree that the study of psychopaths is going to have to be done differently than it’s done for the study of other PD’s. The reason is because they lie so much, that it’s difficult to see the truth.
I too am very interested in Cheryl’s assertion about the difference between an MN and a spath.
My spath kept his mask on tight. He did control his impulsivity, spending YEARS on the long con. But I wouldn’t say that he didn’t enjoy hurting others. He lives for it.
Liane, thanks for this recommendation. I went to Amazon and read the first 60+ pages of the books that is there on the site and read your recommendation. So reading only the first 60 something pages I got only the start of her history but at least a “taste” of it.
I too had a psychopathic parent, my P sperm donor, and he was an absent parent as well. When I did go to live with him though as a teenager, I got the “full monte” with him and realized how EVIL he truly was, so I can identify with her on that. I too felt the need to “connect” with family, especially as an “only child” (of my egg donor) and when I got to meet and get to know my younger half sibs when I went to live with daddy dearest I bonded with them….more so than them to me as since I left there none of them have a need to be in contact with me. Two of the three went NC with our sperm donor though, and the third I think is his clone and thinks he was a “saint.”
I think research about the damages done to children of psychopaths is an awesome need! I’m glad you are focusing on that aspect.
The damages done to parents who are parents of psychopathic children is another need as well. I qualify here as well. The emotional and financial damages done to parents who have a criminal/psychopathic child (and I know several parents who qualify) is tremendous. The difficulty in turning loose of the child who is now an adult criminal, the malignant hope that they will reform is horrible. It is only in the breaking away that I have found some measure of peace, if not safety.
Thanks Liane, I think I will go ahead and order this book.
Dr. Leedom,
I too would like to add in my vote of thanks for covering this topic. However, I’d like to request that your research consider an extra factor.
Donna writes about how her experience with a psychopath started her on a journey of spiritual growth; that she wouldn’t have been able to reach the depths of knowledge or compassion or self-confidence she now has without her experiences. I think the same thing also holds true for the children of psychopaths, if they can get past their initial experiences and reach out (and receive) healing and support.
I notice that Cherylann’s ‘list’ of the impacts on children ends with doom and gloom. But I believe that this is a misrepresentation by omission; the fact that she’s healed herself to the point where she’s written a book and is extending herself to help others, similar to many of the authors and commenters here at LF, is an indication to me that she’s also gained something valuable – valuable enough that its worthy to be shared with others. Your average person on the street couldn’t write a book like that; firstly they’d have no need, but more importantly they wouldn’t have the wisdom and experience that Cherylann has acquired.
Grace (G1S) recently suggested a wonderful book to me “Strong at the Broken Places“. There is a wonderful documentary produced by Cambridge Films which (loosely) accompanies it (it was developed independently of the book, but the author and producer are now collaborating). They both document people who’ve experienced extreme trauma and have used their experiences to better not only themselves, but others as well – much like Donna describes she did after her experience.
I know from experience that growing up with a psychopathic parent causes immense suffering for their children. True, it breaks some children to the point where they can’t recover. But for others, partly due to their suffering, it refines and purifies them – similar to the process of refining and purifying steel.
I hope that you’ll go on to document all the facets of this experience: to quantify the suffering of the children of psychopaths; to provide some measure of honour and justice for the victims who couldn’t recover; but also to acknowledge and raise awareness of the children who’ve used their experiences to grow into something stronger than they might otherwise have done, and who (in my observation) go on to contribute inordinately to the society in which they live.
Annie,
WOW!
that’s a GREAT point to consider adding to research.
I wrote my book, Evil Eyes, A Daughter’s Memoir, for myself, initially…to journal my life path which was upside down up until the day my parents died. I was raised by pathological parents, and if that wasn’t enough, my stepfather sexually molested me. I was not believed by my mother or siblings about the molestation and the denial was the single most hurtful abuse my family inflicted upon me. Throughout my life I was called a liar constantly, until my mother died.
My father was diagnosed as a psychopath, pathological liar, and habitual criminal by the time he reach the age of 20. My mother was not diagnosed but shared so many of the same traits of my father I suspect she was either a serious malignant narcissist or a psychopath herself. She was cruel beyond any words I could write. I was raised to hate myself and wanted to die too many times to count. I was unsuccessful at my suicide attempts and I can only say divine intervention must have saved me! I realized that God wanted me here for a reason and wasn’t going to let me go and so I gave up trying.
I pulled all of my stories together in a manuscript and decided to publish my book to show others they may not be alone. If my story can help other’s learn the term “NO CONTACT” with psychopathic people…if I can help give lost souls the courage to walk away while realizing nothing you can say or do will make them love you — then this book has been worthwhile. We cannot change people without souls. They are charming and initially “too good to be true” but they are really impostors of people! We love but they cannot – any more than they can grow an arm.
I hope my book reaches everyone who has been hurt by a bully, abuser, psychopath, narcissist, or sexual predator. I pray that by reading my book people who share my pain will become empowered and learn to love themselves and go on to live happy, healthy lives with people who really do care about them. We deserve it! Cherylann xxxooo
Oh, and thanks so very much for the review and your comments. I am deeply touched. God Bless.
Welcome Speaking up, thank you for writing the book.
I’m sorry for the pain you endured during your childhood. I can assure you that are now among people who really do get it.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, CherylAnn, and for taking the courageous step of putting yourself out there in an effort to help others. What do are doing now is a gift to the world, and a wonderful ‘healing gift’ to yourself. God bless you for it.
Speaking_up–welcome to LoveFraud and thank you for publishing your story…I know how hard it is to “admit” to being a victim, or former victim. The shame I have felt, the same that should have been theirs, kept me beaten down in secrecy.
The more people who stand up and SPEAK UP, the more people who are secretly suffering will stand up and be heard. Thanks for your courage! Your bravery will inspire others.