Last week Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I would like to expose the person who bilked me for thousands of dollars. I am going to file a claim in small claims court so there will be some public record, but I thought about having a web site that would be linked when someone Googled his name. Is this legal? If I tell only the truth about him, is that legal? I want to protect other women from this sociopath; I don’t know how. I thought if people were able to Google his name and know about his lies and deceit, they could have the knowledge I never did and could make better choices than me. Any and all information would be helpful.
Many people have asked the same question—can I expose the sociopath? Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Several different laws apply, and the laws have been interpreted differently by various courts. Here’s a brief overview of the situation regarding U.S. law.
Lawsuit for anything
First of all, there are two types of law in the United States: criminal law and civil law.
It is unlikely that you would be arrested, or end up in jail, for exposing the actions of a sociopath. Although in some states libel is on the books as a criminal offense, it is rarely prosecuted.
However, under civil law in the United States, anybody can sue for anything. Whether the person who files a lawsuit actually wins is another issue—it depends on whether it can be proven that an actual law was broken.
But here’s what you have to keep in mind: If you expose the sociopath, and the sociopath files a lawsuit against you, you will have to defend yourself whether the lawsuit has merit or not. There’s a good chance that you’ll have to retain an attorney, which is going to cost you money.
Some sociopaths love to file lawsuits. And, as we’ve discussed many times here on Lovefraud, they’re experts at manipulating the legal system. Therefore, you should ask yourself these questions:
- Is this sociopath prone to filing lawsuits?
- Does the sociopath have the resources to hire an attorney?
- Do you have the resources to defend yourself if the sociopath takes you to court?
Suppose you’ve considered these questions and you want to move ahead with exposing the sociopath. You’ll want to maximize the chances that you’ll win a lawsuit if the sociopath files one. For that, you’ll need a basic understanding of media law.
Media law
There are two basic types of law to consider when exposing a sociopath. They are:
- Defamation, which includes libel and slander
- Invasion of privacy
Libel is publication of false information that injures a living person’s reputation. (Libel refers to statements or pictures that are published. Slander refers to false statements that are spoken.)
Invasion of privacy is the publication of information, even if it is true, that is highly offensive to an ordinary person.
We’ll take a closer look at both of these types of claims. However, keep in mind that the information presented here is general. Every state in the U.S. has its own libel and invasion of privacy laws—it’s best to research what they are.
Libel
In order for a sociopath to proceed with a defamation case, the following must be present:
- Sociopath must be identified
- Statements made must be false
- Statements must be defamatory
- Statements must be published
In many libel cases, the plaintiff has to spend time proving that published statements are defamatory. Some statements, however, are considered defamatory per se, which means anyone would understand them to be defamatory. The plaintiff doesn’t have to prove the fact that they are defamatory.
Traditionally, defamation per se includes:
- Allegations that injure a person’s trade, profession or business
- Allegations of sexually transmitted disease or mental illness
- Allegations of “unchastity”
- Allegations of criminal activity
It’s highly likely that if you’re exposing a sociopath, you’ll make these types of allegations. Sociopathic behavior typically includes unsavory business practices, sexually transmitted diseases, promiscuity and criminal activity. So you can count on your statements being considered defamatory.
Therefore, you must make sure that your statements are true, and you can prove it. In most U.S. states, truth is an absolute defense in libel cases.
Opinions are often not considered to be defamatory. However, if an opinion includes a false statement of fact, it can be defamatory.
Some statements are “privileged.” This means that even if a statement is defamatory, the person who makes it is excused from liability. Statements made during judicial proceedings in open court have absolute privilege. Anything said in court by anybody—judges, attorneys, plaintiff, defendant, witnesses—can be reported without fear of defamation. This protection is also extended to any legal documents filed with the court.
Invasion of privacy
Publishing private and intimate facts about a person, or information that is highly offensive and is not of legitimate concern to the public, can be considered an invasion of privacy.
Information about the following are generally considered to be protected by the right of privacy:
- Private letters
- Sexual orientation or sexual relations
- A person’s health
- A person’s wealth
Public records, such as birth, marriage and military records, may be published.
Truth is not a defense in an invasion of privacy case. Again, sociopaths often engage in behavior that reasonable people would consider offensive. Even when statements about the behavior are true, you may not be protected from an invasion of privacy claim.
Invasion of privacy claims are sometimes made because of how information is gathered. If you use surveillance, a hidden camera or a hidden microphone, your actions might be considered intrusion.
Free speech
You might be asking, “What about the First Amendment?” “What about my right of free speech?”
The First Amendment of the United States protects the freedom of the press and various rights of free speech from government censorship. The First Amendment does make it more difficult for libel cases to be pursued in the U.S. as opposed to other countries. And public figures often have to prove “actual malice” to win a libel case. However, it does not mean anyone can say anything they want about a private individual.
In the past, only journalists and newspapers had to worry about libel and invasion of privacy laws. But with the Internet, anyone can publish anything, and the law has not caught up with the technology. Therefore, there are no clear-cut guidelines about what you can do, and what you can’t.
Exposure works
At Lovefraud, I know that exposure works. Four women have contacted me from Australia. They met my ex-husband, James Montgomery, who is still fishing for victims online, but after Googling him and reading my story, ditched him.
The same has happened with other True Lovefraud Stories—I know that people have escaped involvements with Phil Haberman, Lance Larabee, Anthony Owens, Patti Milazzo, Michele Drake, Brian Ellington and Bill Strunk.
Because the legal and judicial system is so inadequate in dealing with sociopaths, in my opinion, exposure is the only thing that does work.
If you want to proceed
Therefore, if you’re thinking about exposing the sociopath who victimized you, first you must weigh the risks. Is the sociopath likely to sue? Are you in a position to defend yourself?
If you want to proceed, here are some points to keep in mind:
• Calling the person a “sociopath” may be problematic, unless you can prove an actual diagnosis. Implying a mental disorder is defamation per se. You may want to skip the term and just publish what the person did.
• Make sure you can prove that any statement you make about the sociopath is the truth. Stick to the facts.
• Don’t make any threats, even facetious threats. Avoid statements like, “Does anybody know a good hit man?”
• You may have more leeway if the sociopath is a public figure. In order to win a libel suit, the sociopath would have to prove “actual malice.” For example, if Joey Buttafuoco proceeds with his libel suit against Mary Jo, part of her defense may be to claim he is a public figure.
• If you are currently involved in a legal action with a sociopath, you should probably wait until it is over before publishing anything that might damage your case. The exception to this might be criminal cases in which the prosecutors aren’t taking any action. Sometimes media attention gets them to move, as in the Ed Hicks case.
• If you’ve been to court with the sociopath, you can use anything that was part of the court proceedings—any legal documents filed, anything said in court. Get the transcript, especially if the sociopath lied and you can prove it.
• Public records, such as criminal convictions, can be published.
• If you’re building a webpage to expose the sociopath, don’t make up a cute title like, “Five years of deception.” Use the person’s name in the url. That’s the best way for the page to show up when someone Googles the name.
• Finally, if you’re going to expose the sociopath, make sure you can do it safely. If the sociopath is violent and on the loose, put your own safety before trying to save others.
Hello, I’m new at lovefraud but not new with N’s. I’m not sure where to post so I’m going to throw this out here. For seven years I have been involved with an N. Now, if I can get through to a point I’m going to hit send because I keep losing what I type. I have asked him to pay me back money and it’s my word against his with the exception that I have our conversation about the matter recorded. Legal where I live. It’s a pathetic recording. I asked him to sign something that he owed me money. That’s when it got ugly, and he doesn’t know I have this recording. He made 2 payments to me, small, and has missed the last 2. I told him I would take him to civil court if he didn’t pay and he said on the tape he would deny it and so on. Very ugly. I called in Sept to collect and he said he didn’t have it. I called last night and he called back within a few minutes but I missed the call. He left a message to call him and I did and still nothing. I’ve had no contact with him with the exception of a few times trying to get the money back. He’s a gambler and drinker and an N. Of course he needed money. Now, I just want him out of my life, forget the money though I need it. I struggle with letting him off the hook, not taking him to court. I know he won’t pay me and an attorney told me it’s a rough go too. If I don’t call him on the 15th when he is suppose to pay me, I feel like I’ve given in. Sorry for the ramble. I’m so tired and still angry.
sotired, I can so relate to your post, I was caught up in hurricane (seems like a good analogy to me) with a N/S last year, I “loaned” him a lot of money, never will be paid back, boy… did I learn a lesson. Here is a link to an article on LF related to walking away, but still feeling a victory.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/09/25/sometimes-%e2%80%9cvictory%e2%80%9d-is-simply-walking-away-upright/
sotired, are you still there? I hope you will stay with us and keep posting, there is a lot of healing information at this site, it has helped me more than I could ever say… helps you to start learning about yourself, not just them. You haven’t given in, you believed in someone who was lying, a predator.
shabbychic, still here reading. I will be here a lot and yes I did believe him. He knows I don’t anymore but… no surprise, he doesn’t care or worse he believes he is winning.Thanks for writing back.
I think, to cover our back, making statements like, “he/she has tendencies of and S, or, and N…” is safest. However, people can run with that, and accuse us of calling them the name anyway.
They know the laws better than we do, they know exactly what they can and can’t get away with and they know how we will react and exactly what they can do to punish us for the reaction.
This is why they are evil.
I have been reading lovefraud for two years now and this is the first time I have been able to write. My ability to understand had been damaged.
The conclusion I have come to is that all the education in the world cannot protect you from a narcissist or a sociopath if you are unprepared. They are so good.
I sit here feeling so old and worn. Broken psychologically, spiritually and emotionally and after two years I still can’t recover.
We spent 15 miserable years together and I left him because I took a breakdown from his abuse. We never went out as he said he had a phobia about knives in that 15 years and as all abusers do he isolated me. Slowly but surely I gave up everything I loved to keep the peace. I suffered the silent treatment, gaslighting ”“the works. I had nowhere to turn to. I came from a poverty stricken area and my whole family were abusive alcoholics. He on the other hand came from a moderately wealthy family and could always return. Oh. And the change was abrupt. Romantic courting—whirlwind romance–quick marriage. Big white wedding of my dreams, paid for by us, as I wanted. He changed on our wedding night.
I left my home to be repossessed and declared myself bankrupt and got a new home for me and my kids.
He helped me move our few pitiful possessions to my new home and he fitted out my home with wooden flooring that I had bought. He seemed so eager to please me and I took this as a good sign. So I asked him if he wanted to get back together. He was always a hard worker and still is. Handed his wages over every week. I never checked his account, as I believe in trust and privacy.
He still gives me money faithfully every week for maintenance for my child and I.
I went into counselling and this is where I discovered that women tend to blame themselves when a marriage goes wrong. I also learned that I was grieving. I also learned self-respect and equality. Good solid healthy boundaries and about healthy relating. My counsellor told me about the healing power of love and I developed my faith around this. He told me that it was just like peeling an onion. Meaning the layers that make a man cold and emotionally unavailable. Masculinity. For underneath is just a hurting little boy. He went into counselling too. And seemed to come out better for it. We both went to marriage guidance as well and I was so happy. He seemed to be too. He begged me to give him a chance to change and I said yes. I was patient with this process as I knew it couldn’t happen overnight.
You see– as I was just about to leave him for good 9 years ago, he all of a sudden confessed that he had been sexually abused by a neighbour and a family member. I did wonder why now—why tell me now as I am broken and leaving you. He never spoke again to me about this and I assumed that he had sorted this in counselling. I did ask him if he wanted to pursue this further with his abusers but he said no. It was in the past and that he had resolved it. I believed this. Because he had raped me during our marriage and I had resolved this. I put it down to ignorance. I also during my breakdown had a sudden premonition that my husband was a sociopath and that my daughter who was 11 was in danger from him. Our sex life was zero and what we had made me feel like a hole as I explained to my counsellor. After I said it ”“it felt so dramatic and my counsellor reflected this. I should have listened to myself.
I went to college and at the end of the year I won a place at university. I learned about patriarchy etc as it was the social sciences I studied. Gender and womens rights.
After my abusive history I grew strong although vulnerable and sensitive. I could spot an abuser a mile away.
From then on for seven years we led a happy life. It was good. He couldn’t do enough for me and was always saying that he loved me. We spent many happy family times together. Now and again his controlling side would emerge—but I was more than able for it. And I encouraged his relationships with his children. These were non existant before. I told him that he was going to die a sad lonely old man if he didn’t.
It was so real. We always went out on a Friday night to our local pub (on the advice of our counsellor)and as we walked to it he used to cuddle my arm into his as if he cherished me. He would romantically light his cigarette and give it to me before lighting his own.
We both had computers in our office. Whenever I got up to go and check on the kids or whatever—he would say—’you left me’. This would make me smile at this wee insecurity. I would reassure him that I was just going to the loo or what ever.
My love for him ran deep and I was so proud of the man he had become. I thought we had both overcome our abusive history and had built something really good , solid and deep together.
I had healed completely and could not even remember my abuser. The man I lived with now was my best friend, mate and lover.
But in saying that—a small part of me still didn’t trust completely. I vowed never to get financially entangled with anyone again and to keep the house in my name.
This saved my life—perhaps not my sanity. I don’t know.
Today I was abused again by my psychiatrist. You see my story is bizarre. In fact downright unbelievable.
Timeline with her.
Landed on her doorstep two years ago.
Numbed hard and toughened
Couldn’t even speak
Had to write it down
Provided printed documentation about narcissists to support my state
Was pitifully thin
All abuse and shocks done in a period of nine months
Totally consumed by fear and adrenalin
At first diagnosed with disordered thought from a controlling relationship
Asked of it felt like a supernatural experience
I said extremely abnormal yes
Like a cult
After reading my story
Told it was a psychotic episode brought on by his narcissism
Was very confused but agreed to medication
Told I would get deep psychological work
Asked to see him
I agreed because I was concerned about something he said that stunk of incest and paedophile.
He said I said it and she believed him after ten-minute visit
After I got him out of my house
He parked his car out side my home for one and a half years from seven in the morning until five at night.
She thought this was normal
One and a half years later
Still obsessing
No psychologist.
Took off medication
Still numb
Asked to see a counsellor
Promised one
Two years later
Still numb
Feel overwhelmed by memories.
Asked her for help with memories and still concerned with my numbness
Can’t get out of my head the abuse and the fact that he could be a paedophile and having no one to discuss my story in the two years
Told me blank
No psychologist
I am just taking another psychotic episode
I pointed out that it was her that said I would get a psychologist
She denied it
I pointed out that everyone else could see that the car situation was abnormal except for her
I pointed out that how can she possible diagnose me only seeing me for an hour once every three months
I asked her why she was writing me of without a fair hearing
Knows absolutely nothing about me
She asked me only if I would take the medication and guided me pityingly out the door
I felt so defeated
So lovefraud
Can I tell you my story?
.
littlewhitehorse,
Welcome to the site. I’m glad you decided to post after lurking for so long. You will find here that people believe you and have had similar experiences. Most people–including psychotherapists–don’t get it about sociopaths. You have to be so careful who you confide in. It does become a double whammy when your being traumatized in a relationship, and then told you are crazy by your “support system”. Sociopaths can fool even the best therapists.
From what I gather, it sounds like you fear this man might be molesting your daughter?
littlewhitehorse, I’m so glad you posted, sounds like a horrible nightmare, yes you can tell us your story!!! Keep posting! In addition to seeing a psychiatrist can you go to a therapist? A therapist who has experience dealing with the devastation left by a sociopath? Someone who you can see once a week. In my experience psychiatrists only prescribe medication, they never did much else for me.
I think that you being able to write part of your story shows that deep down inside you have a spark of recovery going on!!! You are a survivor and I hope that you will share more of yourself here, you already know most of us!!!
littlewhitehorse _ we are listening.
littlewhitehorse,
we will listen, but I also suggest reading books on psychopaths. My favorite is “why is it always about you?” by sandy hotchkiss.