Donna Andersen has been a great friend to me and has done so much for victims of sociopaths. She deserves an award. The latest thing she did for me personally was to lend me her copy of The Psychopathic Mind by J. Reid Meloy. When I initially thought about reading the book it was more expensive than it is now; the price has come down quite a bit. That is good because I am going to have to buy Donna a new copy since I’ve marked up the entire book with notes about material to discuss here. My overall reaction to the book was negative to lukewarm until I got to page 318 (that I’ll discuss next week). After that page, I came to believe that on the whole this book is a great contribution to the field.
This week I want to use a quote from a judge to begin to discuss some of the myths regarding sociopaths. Here is the quote found on page 359:
“Well I tell you, the world is full of productive sociopaths. Some of them hold high public office. Some of them are lawyers. It could be that a couple of them are judges, and sociopathy by itself is not necessarily a dangerous condition. It can be productive. I think it was Clarence Darrow who commented on that”¦”
Let’s cover these numerous false assertions out of order.
- Sociopathy by itself is not necessarily a dangerous condition. This statement is completely, absolutely, categorically FALSE. Sociopathy/ASPD/psychopathy is always a dangerous condition. It is the most toxic personality poison and only a drop in a swimming pool of water will sicken an entire city. By definition sociopathy involves serious harm to other people and a track record of serious irresponsibility. If these characteristics are not present, the individual is not a sociopath!
- It can be productive. Sociopathy is never productive. Unless you measure productivity by ruined lives and the number of dead bodies left along the road. But where would the judge and possibly Clarence Darrow get the idea that sociopathy is productive? These people are confusing sociopathy (a disorder) with the power motive or dominance drive. It is this motive that is both productive in terms of leadership and harmful in terms of aggression. This motive is present in all humans to a certain degree. The aberrant unmitigated expression of the power motive that is seen in sociopathy is neither normal nor productive. Sociopaths may be productive in spite of disorder not because of disorder. See the next point.
- Some of them hold high public office. Some of them are lawyers. It could be that a couple of them are judges, Connecting this statement with describing sociopathy as a benign, productive condition is where the judge goes wrong. When sociopaths manage in spite of disorder to attain the power they crave, the results are disastrous for society.
- The world is full of productive sociopaths. This statement is partly true but this truth is not a reflection of points 1 and 2 above. As a group sociopaths are hands down losers. They die at early ages, get many more serious illnesses, and abuse substances. They usually end up losing everything and occupationally disabled. There is an appearance that the number of productive sociopaths reflects the disorder, simply because of the sheer number of sociopaths in the country. At any one point in time a given sociopath may be “successful” but that is only a snap shot. There may be a few who die before they fall but these are the extreme minority. Since there are so many sociopaths even this extreme minority may seem like a lot. If you consider the life histories of sociopaths two truths emerge. Sociopaths waste energy hurting people that could have gone into building rather than destroying. Also, the only reason they survive is that others help them. They may have power but they are by no means autonomous. This is the great irony of the disorder, antisocial individuals require a society to survive and operate!
- I am still trying to verify the origin of these false beliefs on the part of the legal profession stems from famous lawyer Clarence Darrow. If anyone can produce a quote, I would be grateful.
If you think about it, this judge is exemplifying a reasoning error due to lack of training applying research to practice. It is very difficult to apply group data to an individual because any one individual at any one point in time may not display all the characteristics of the group.
The message is clear. Judges and lawyers should stop rationalizing the leniency they extend to sociopaths. They should realize them for the dangerous, parasitic individuals they are. They should stop enabling them by forcing us to be with them. That “us” includes former spouses, children and society at large.
YUCK!!!!
Hot guys = HOT MESS!!!!
At first I was offended thinking a friend of mine would date the S ex hub……after all i’ve told her! You’d think she’d steer clear of this situation.
It’s the ‘girls code of honor’…..never pass along your spath!
EB I’ve been dating 🙂 🙂 🙂 well making new male friends anyway! And having lots of social time … such a breath of fresh air since being imprisoned by the spath 🙂
I’ve banged into the spath’s friends and they’ve enlightened me as to his smear campaign. SO I set a few of those lies straight and yesterday said to one
Tell that ratbag that if he keeps spreading lies about me I’ll haul his ass into court on a slander charge.
That will travel fast through the jungle grapevine!
Polly;
Keep your wit’s aboutcha!
And remember…..when it comes to spath……Loose lips sink ships! (Even after the chaos). Strike as stealthly as possible.
Just smile and say……Oh, that’s nice.
Have fun on the dating scene…..enjoy yourself, you certainly deserve it!!!
Oh I AM being careful …. there are pplenty of idiots out there who aren’t spaths. I’ve been fortunate though to meet some really nice guys … and one in particular who might become a really good friend 🙂
Every time I curl my hair for a date I think of your comment about ‘bouncy date hair’ lol Almost like Aunty Erin is coming along to check out each guy 🙂
EB: I won’t deny that his looks are a big hook! Gotta keep my distance. Can’t go there….that’s a broken heart waiting to happen. He knows he’s hot.
Polly: LOL Piranha!
Polly/EB, I can’t get close w/o becoming emotionally involved, that’s my personality. So, I keep my distance. He’s a tempting hunk, though. My daughter said: Chit, that guy is some kinda looker. She’s way younger than him, but I figure she will go after him. Wait and see, if I don’t block him…she will have him as her friend in two days. But, the thing is…won’t make any difference anyway, even if I do block him. He’s high profile enough, all she has to do is look at his website and contact him there or FB.
Auntie Erin will hide in that bouncy hair…….and keep that mojo aboutcha!!!
🙂
Problem is; this guy is a once in a lifetime catch and the devil has packaged him well, and shortly he may land a TV show or Hollywood something. Just makes you feel like, gah, would at least like to know what that’s like….yum! But, wrong and I can’t handle it. But, you know, all that does cross your mind and hormones….whew! Talking Josh Brolin here!
TB:
I’m the same way….so knowing that….ya just gotta protect yourself, follow your gut and do what is right for YOU!
I remember having a date with hot guy……SO VERY HOT indeedy……but when he called me, he called from his home number…..and after a bit of recon on my part…..I am pretty sure he was married.
I weighed this out and thought…..yeah….NOT my style!!!!
It was the sheer hotness that captured me ……thinking….wellmaybe….yadayada……he was also very cool…..a bit too cool!
But…MARRIED! So off limits.
So TB….protect your emotions and don’t even go there!
You already know the outcome!
Turn yourself into a boring biatch…..and he’ll move on to someone more exciting AND interested.
LEAVE IT ALONE……
you know the ending!
What helped me so much, after years of feeling helpless was – in RESPONDING to the s’path, instead of REACTING – Take the emotion out and move to the intellect when he would stir things up, or try to destroy something.
It took a lot of practice – and I’m still practicing to stick to the facts of his behavior and actions – keeping everything factual and recorded in a log.
My kids are slowly learning to do this too – as their father continues to play head games and create disturbances through sins of commission and of omission. We’ve had to accept that he is never going to change, and that’s never going to end – but our attitude and willingness to use tools to continue to always put our peace of mind first has greatly improved the quality of our lives. We make a decision each day not to let this disturbed man take control of our lives.
So again, anyone with young kids who is struggling – when you try to explain or empower your kids – keep all incidents factual – and steer clear of the emotional. I hope this helps!