Fear: The gift sociopaths/psychopaths didn’t get by their third Christmas

If you read the stories of victims of sociopaths, many common themes are apparent. One of these is the victim complains that he/she is riddled with anxiety while the sociopath goes on with life effortlessly. From the point of view of a victim then, it is hard to see fear as a gift. Many say they wish the sociopath suffered some anxiety over the mess of their lives. The worst sociopaths (psychopaths) even go to prison multiple times, only viewing this fate as “an occupational hazard.”

Over the past 100 years, clinicians and scientists have written about the lack of fear in sociopaths. Many have speculated that lack of anxiety or fearlessness is one of the causes of sociopathy/psychopathy. In fact, one researcher was able to show that the level of anxiety shown by children in the first two years of life predicted conscience at age 6. Low fear kids had less of a conscience. In these low fear kids, only empathy predicts conscience.

If you are with me in raising a fearless child whose other parent is a sociopath, you have to understand this risk factor for the disorder. Fearless kids require specialized parenting that focuses on developing empathy to an advanced degree. They have to be super empathetic to make up for their deficit in guilt/anxiety/fear. Many writing on this blog have questioned whether empathy can be taught or fostered. There is much evidence that the development of empathy can be enhanced by the right parenting.

My son’s teachers have all described him as very caring and empathetic even without knowing that I wrote a book on that subject. So I can give testimony as to what helps fearless, at-risk kids have empathy and conscience through empathy. Many fearless kids, like my son are resistant to punishment. So the only hook you have with them is a loving relationship. You need a big hook too, because the same fearless kids are energetic and very impulsive, so they require a great deal of correcting. Their only motivation to learn to control their behavior is to have the approval of those they love. This is why the usual American parenting style, which does not foster close family relationships, produces sociopathy in fearless at risk kids.

Many parents who come to realize they are dealing with a fearless at-risk child, come to believe that “discipline” will fix the problem. They therefore seek out advice on how to do this effectively. They use all the techniques only to find out that they may work in the moment here and there but do very little to impact the fearless child’s behavior overall.

Also I should say that fearlessness and dominance behavior go hand in hand, so these kids are what most people call “strong-willed.” Many religious leaders have therefore said that it is important to “break the will” of strong-willed kids.

The problem with trying to break the will of an at-risk child and focusing on discipline, is that these do not instill what at risk children need to develop a conscience. These kids don’t need to be broken, they need to be fixed! The fix involves teaching them to love.

When teaching a child to love, it is important to remember that negative family experiences have a stronger weight in our minds that loving ones. The at-risk child responds to negative interactions, not with fear but with more dominance behavior. Psychologists have determined that in order to be of equal weight, our positive loving experiences have to out-weigh our conflicts by 5:1. So we have to experience 5 times more love than conflict in order for us to feel stable.

If you are with me raising at-risk kids you will immediately see the “Catch 22.” These kids need constant correcting because they are so impulsive. If they get a thought to do something, they do it instantly and they have a hard time terminating an unwanted behavior. So the usual parenting means 100 times more conflict than love for these kids. In a nut shell that is why many develop sociopathy. Study after study has shown that when normal loving parents adopt children with genetic risk (whose biologic parents are sociopaths), they turn negative and punitive toward the kids.

Without focused practice loving, the absence of guilt turns into a complete absence of conscience for at-risk kids. A person with guilt deficiency can have a conscience if he/she has empathy. Without either guilt or empathy you get a psychopath. (Also by the way some guilt with no empathy makes ____________ personality disorder? You fill in the blank.)

Ok now many of you are saying to yourselves, “I don’t buy this fearless, lack of anxiety crap. The sociopath I was with was neurotic as hell.” Although studies of groups of sociopaths show that within individuals the level of anxiety is negatively correlated with the level of sociopathy, it also turns out that the rates of phobias (other than social phobia) and anxiety disorders are NOT lower in sociopaths.

Scientists are presently very puzzled trying to reconcile all these observations. The evidence that fearlessness and lack of anxiety are causative in sociopathy is fairly strong. How do we explain then, phobias and anxiety in sociopaths and conduct disordered kids?

I can offer some explanation based on my reading and my own observations of sociopaths and their offspring. I think the critical question is WHEN the fear system develops in a child, if it does. I think that in many sociopaths, the fear system develops too late to impact their development in a positive way. So if a child develops fears after he/she has already developed a pattern of dominant, impulsive behavior, those fears do little to positively impact his personality development. Instead these fears lead a child to become even more aggressive in self defense.

Also realize that if a child’s fear system, which is supposed to develop by 2, doesn’t develop until 4 or 5, he/she is left without the tools to manage the fears. Children are supposed to use their loving relationships to cope with their fears. The at-risk child, at 5 already has a poor relationship with his/her caregivers because of the impulsive behavior. Who is the child supposed to turn to when afraid? The only thing that child can do is to focus on having interpersonal power. If he/she is powerful then he/she can’t be hurt. I encourage you to go and observe this for yourself this summer. Go to a local playground and observe the kids. You will see the dominant ones using fantasies of power to cope with their fears.

So as I have said before, sociopaths do not have the gift of fear. The way fear works in their lives never helps to keep them safe. Their experience of fear is aberrant; they suffer with it but that suffering does them no good. For sociopaths fear and anxiety are not connected to avoidance of stuff that gets them in trouble. For them fear and anxiety are connected to the opposite, fantasies of interpersonal power. Feeling anxious only makes them aggress more on others.

I am interested to hear your accounts of phobias, fears and anxiety in the sociopath you were involved with. Also if you have at-risk children please feel free to comment on how hard it is to parent them. This is one area where the observations of family members can contribute to our understanding of both sociopathy and how it develops.

For tools to help your at-risk child develop empathy and emotional intelligence visit The Parent’s Store.

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139 Comments on "Fear: The gift sociopaths/psychopaths didn’t get by their third Christmas"

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Hey Wini: As soon as my papers are with me, there will be no more thinking of the ex…trust me on that one. I don’t think of him in a romantic way or anything. I think of him as some stranger who has his name attached to my deed and I want him off.

Good news is the Prosecutor called me back. He is so nice. He let me know it is a civil matter, not a criminal one but that the S does not need to know that. The prosecutor will call him if I tell him to. He will also go to his house if I would like him to pay a visit.

So, I do believe my papers will either be dropped off tonight or at least in the mail.

I really don’t care what the S does with his life. That’s his life and I don’t have to be a part of this madness anymore. The wife emailed me today. He’s sending her divorce papers to her. Yeah, right.

Dear Iwonder,

I too am a “stubborn old witch” and I don’t like to “lose” to them, and sometimes when I am cornered I will come out fighting like a mad mama badger, but that stubborness almost cost me my LIFE LAST SUMMER. I am sure you probably don’t remember all my story, but basicly, my P-son, got one of his ex-convict P buddies to infiltrate our family and to knock me off for cutting him out of my will, and do it before my mom died so he couldn’t be cut out of EVERY thing.

I kept “fighting” them, in court etc. (they had my mom drugged and snowed, protecting them) finally, I gave up and RAN FOR MY LIFE—left my home secretly. Since they couldn’t find me, they changed their plans and ended up the Trojan Horse Psychbopath and my Now-X DIL went to jail/prison, But he is obviously NOT going to willingly cooperate, just like he hasn’t with the X-wife. I don’t think he wants to go back to her, I think he is just doing it to PISS HER OFF.

I don’t know about your state, but that would not work here if he kept dodging the papers, all you have to do here is to PUBLISH THE NOTICE in the newspaper for 30 days and then you can have a hearing without them there and get a divorce. Otherwise, if they just disappeared, you would be locked in for life. Mention to her that she might ask her lawyer something about that in your state.

I will keep you in my prayers, and keep my fingers crossed for you, but keep in mind that sometimes our own stubborness can get us i n a bigger fight than we are willing to handle, or able to handle. As long as my Ps live and breathe I will never be comfortable without a gun within INSTANT reach. I think the fact that I have been able to move back into my house afer 16 months and go to sleep in my own bed means that my “hypervigilence” is decreasing, but I still sleep behind a locked door and with a yapping dog with good hearing at the foot of my bed, so there is little chance that someone can sneak up on me while I am asleep.

Oh, Ox! I don’t know if I could stay in that house after what you went through. I would move. We need to choose our battles carefully…know our opponent. I’ve had dealings with my S before to get my car back. As soon as I mentioned police, the car was dropped off. So, I knew as soon as I said “Prosecutor” I would get my papers. My ex is a mean bully but a wuss when the law comes down on him. He has his son living with he and the OW. He wouldn’t be with the son anymore if the law got him. I am just using knowledge I know to motivate him. He would always pray to God, “I don’t care what happens to me but God, please spare my son from following my path.” All that matters to the S is being with his son.

Dear Iwonder,

The problem is that my house is on “trust” land that I cannot sell it if I wanted to until after my mother dies. I did buy an RV and leave, thinking at the time I might have to live in it forever, and leave everything I hold dear in the way of everyting physical, my animals except my dogs, etc. In doing that I used all of my retirement savings to buy the RV and hiring the attorney. It was a night mare, but when I did finally leave, I figured I would have to live in that RV until my mom passes away and then if I was still alive I could at least sell the farm and move off somewhere else. I don’t have the money to buy another place to live or even to rent anything that I could move all my “stuff” to. So my options were limited.

But this farm is where I really WANT to be again, and the bad memories and the fears are passing. The Trojan Horse P will be out of prison in spring or summer of 2010, but he will come out of jail broke, in a state where he has no friends or help, so hopefully will go back to Texas. My good sons and I have cut off P-son’s supply of money (from my mom) so he is in prison broke and witout outside friends except his x-convict buddies, none of which are in a position to help him financially more than the occasional 20$ and most of them will be on parole for life and therefore their travel is restricted. So over all I think I am reasonably safe, but I do remain CAUTIOUS, but I think the HYPERvigilence is decreasing. I am sleeping on a reasonable and regular schedule now.

I hope you are right about your P being attached to his son, but you know, it isn’t “love” it is OWNERSHIP—and sounds like from your prior posts that the kid IS JUST LIKE HIM already!

Ox: You know you could always rent out the house if P comes back in 2010 looking for you with his cronies. Just a thought.

Yeah, the son is just like him. 12 years old. Looks like his dad. He wants to please his dad. Wants to be like his dad. Poor kid. Also, sociopathy being heriditary, I think he has the DNA. But that doesn’t doom him. I read somewhere if a child is kept in check about lying, etc. before 15, then he may have a chance at a normal life. What’s going to screw him up is watching what daddy does.

I hope I’m right too about S not wanting to loose his “possession.”

Well, I thought about the renting it out, but according to my attorney, I have to keep it as my legal address because I am co-trustee and if I rented the house and left and it was no longer my legal address mom could have me removed as co-trustee of the trust, and being co-trustee is the only protection I have of my own assets. Good try though.

That was the reason I bought an RV, so I could keep my house my “legal address” and I am just “on vacation” even if the “vacation” in my RV is 365 days a year. (legally anyway)

Actually, I consulted an attorney and also a private investigator so that I could “disappear” and yet not be far away. I was only 35 miles away from the farm up at a local recreation area near a lake. “Hiding in plain sight” is the easiest thing because NO ONE notices another RV move into a community of RVers. People think that an area that is sparsely populated is a good place to hide, but really out here in the boonies, EVERYONE notices anything NEW or anyone that moves in new. What they do, and how they act, just out of curiosity. If I had bought an acre of land there would be deeds and such show up in the court house. I didn’t even register the RV in my whole name, just initials and last name, in another county, because anyone can walk into the county tax office and get the license number of any vehicle you own and that is considered a vehicle. So if they didn’t know which one of the 75 counties in Ark I had the trailer registered they co uldn’t find out anything, plus, the name being “different” would have thrown them off. Since I wasn’t even renting a space there was no record of that (I had it on a friend’s lots) no utilities in my name at all (in the friend’s name) etc. plus, I was very careful to NOT BE FOLLOWED when I came to the farm in the day time to check on things, and that is easy enough to do on twisting country roads. I also never came alone. Only a couple of close friends even knew I had left the community, and I even made trips to our country store to shop just to “be seen” in the area by the neighbors. I also had oneneighbor that lived across the road from my mom’s house and my son’s house (next door to each other) who was my “spy” about all the comings and goings and what was going on.So I knew about the affair between my DIL and the Trojan Horse months before my son did or my mother did. I figured sooner or later it would “explode” and it did.

What amazes me to this day is how as CRAZY as I was, I would manage to keep enough logical thought to figure all this out at the time. It really does amaze me that I was able to THINK at all. NO JOKE. I was BABBLING NUTS. Crying, screaming, ranting, couldn’t see the nose on my face for fear and anger. By comparison to then,, I am only neurotic now, not a certifiable nut case! LOL

Wish I could figure out what it is I really want to do.. my old (millionaire) bf has been writing and saying HI a lot.. part of me would like to give him another shot.. he’s most emphatically NOT an S/P. But part of me just wants to struggle through all this stuff on my own.

Kat, Quote: “wish I could figure out what it is I really want to do”—DON’T WE ALL! LOL

Heck, Kat, I’m 61 yrs old and I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up!

Kat, why don’t you TELL HIM that? Tell him that you are recovering from a really bad case of PTSD or whatever you want to call it and that right now you aren’t ready to put the energy into a relationship, that you think it wouldn’t be fair to him or you right now.

kat: You are figuring out what you want to do. It takes time to get adjusted to what your life is all about. Right now, this minute, step by step. You will get there. You’re already feeling better now that truth has come on to your path. Isn’t it better than the lies?

We have to thank God that none of us got an incurable disease, our fingers and toes didn’t fall off … there are worse cases than ours out there.

Any time I find myself down in the dumps … I think about children who live in hospitals and won’t make it to their 10th birthday. I think about the moms and dads terrified as they hold their children and that’s all they can do for them. I feel sorry for the doctors and the nurses that have to put on a stiff upper lip after they lost a patient that morning or the evening before and their patient wasn’t even old enough to drive. I think about the elderly patients in convalescent homes throughout the world that would love one of their children to come and visit … even if it’s just for a half hour. I think about all our vets living in horror over what they’ve witnessed and still putting on a heroes smile, day in and day out.

I think about a lot of things and then I say, this is nonsense, these criminals that pretend to be our boyfriends, fiances, husbands … and wives for the men in our blog group… to get what they want instead of having a back bone and robbing a bank. Oh, can’t rob a bank today, they all collapsed.

Then I go on and enjoy that day. One day … then the next. And I thank God for making these beautiful days for me to appreciate … even if it is on my own.


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