Passing through the hatred and rage at the sociopath’s betrayal

Saturday night, the Lovefraud reader “rriinnaa” posted the following under Heeding the Exploiter’s Earliest Warning:

I cant stop crying .. and I dont know what Im crying over ! Im crying over the happy-go-lucky joyful loving warm Rina.. the woman I once was .. THAT I POSSIBLY won’t be again ”¦. i want to be held and rocked until this pain goes away, but i have to work, i have to pay bills,i have to bring up my children ”¦ all the PROMISES HE MADE TO ME, “when you cry Rina, I will cry with you” ”¦.. “I would die for you Rina—¦. “such simple things make you happy Rina”.. “Rina, you are the light in my life—¦ “Rina, you are strong and I believe in you” .. AND AND AND AND AND AND AND .. oh my god AND I BELIEVED EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME”¦ I believed him .. he hated me because I was strong and he did everything in his power to crush that.. he didnt have that sense of fun, that wacky sense of humour, that friendliness that everyone fell in love with THAT WAS ME, THAT WAS THE GIRL HE MET”¦. and I have lost that girl i once was.. i want it back, i want to live and laugh and be happy .. he has turned me into his apprentice monster ”¦ oh my god !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TELL ME THERE IS KARMA.. TELL ME HE WILL HURT ONE DAY PLEASE TELL ME THAT HE FEELS .. yeah right ”¦”¦”¦I still can’t get it in my head THAT HE IS A SICK SOCIOPATH.. I STILL CANT BELIEVE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THAT THING ! IM GOING CRAZY .. i cant get my head around it .. i saw a psychologist.. it was the worst thing i could have done last week ..IS THERE A GROUP MEETING WHERE I CAN TALK TO REAL PEOPLE IN MELBOURNE ABOUT THIS MONSTER ????? can someone guide me to somewhere, someone that understands what I am going through ????????????????????
i am sorry”¦ i am ranting”¦. maybe i have finally gone over the edge ? nooooooo NO NO .. i never will. I will find the strength.. .again .. im up and down and my kids are suffering.. as much as I try to hide it ”¦”¦. they feel it, they see it and I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME I HATE HIM ..

I remember feeling like this. In fact, when I read Rina’s message, I got that old tightening in my chest, that inability to breathe, that constantly-on-the-verge-of-tears feeling again.

I remember the rage, the hatred, the utter despair.

They’re normal reactions to the betrayal of a sociopath.

Why it’s so bad

We’ve all had romantic relationships end before. Why the end of a relationship with a sociopath so much worse?

First of all, the scale of the deception is beyond what most of us have ever experienced. These people don’t just lie about where they were last night. Their entire lives are lies—everything they ever did, every human relationship they ever had. In my case, as I started to unravel what was really going on, each day brought another fabrication, another betrayal. Recently, nine years after I left my sociopathic ex-husband, I discovered yet another lie. It never ends.

Then, the degree to which we were used is unbelievable. My ex-husband wanted a place to live, reliable sex and someone to finance his dreams of grandeur. All his love notes, his little gifts, and his forever promises, were designed to make me provide those things. It worked. Then, two and a half years later when I was used up, he moved on.

But perhaps the biggest reason why it’s so bad is because sociopaths steal our dreams and use them against us. In those heady early days of the relationship, as the sociopaths listen intently, we’re spilling our guts, telling them what we really want, what is really important to us, what we want out of life. We think they’re listening because they truly want everything that we want. In reality, they’re listening to discover the deepest places within us where they can set their hooks.

Sooner or later, it all collapses.

At that point, we lose our trust—trust in other people, trust in ourselves, trust if life itself. And as Karin Huffer writes in the Legal Abuse Syndrome, “the most profound loss is loss of trust.”

Dealing with the pain

We’re left with the emotional wreckage—along with very real problems like physical illness and injury, financial devastation, caring for children and legal issues. And all of it was caused by someone who supposedly loved us. What do we do?

The only way out of the pain is through it.

People often call and ask me how to cope. I suggest that you hold yourself together while dealing with the practical, financial and legal issues. Somehow, you have to keep your emotions in check so you can think and make decisions.

But after those concerns are handled, and you are alone, let it rip. Allow yourself to cry, yell and curse. Get physical—stomp your feet or twist towels. My personal favorite was envisioning my ex-husband’s face on a pillow, and punching the crap out of it. (For more information, read Releasing the pain inflicted by a sociopath.)

Why do we need to do this? Because emotions are physical. They are not intellectual concepts that will dissipate upon discussion. They are physical sensations, and must be dealt with physically. The tears, yelling and punching are the means by which the emotional pain is drained from the body.

What you’ll find is that there are layers and layers of pain—you’ll release some, and more will rise to the surface. So you do the exercise again. And again. And again.

Older, deeper pains

Then what you’ll find is that older pains—injuries not inflicted by the sociopath—will also rise to the surface. Perhaps they were injuries from your family of origin, or other relationships, or profound disappointments in your life.

When you find these pains, you have struck gold. These are the pains that made you vulnerable to the sociopath in the first place. They too, must be released. When they are no longer buried within you, you will be able to move into a new life of peace, contentment and happiness.

It’s hard to believe this when you are in the midst of the trauma. But it is true—you can pass through the pain and come out the other side. The process is not pretty. A therapist, if you can find one who gets it, may be able to guide you, but you alone must do the work. And it will take time.

Many of us on Lovefraud have talked about how we’ve become stronger, wiser individuals after our run-ins with the sociopaths. This is how it happens. We persevere through the pain, and then we are set free.

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370 Comments on "Passing through the hatred and rage at the sociopath’s betrayal"

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I had a long post written to you because I have personally been through what you are going through with resentment and not being able to let go of it. The main suggestion I have for you is to INTEND to let go of it. And see what happens. You can ask for guidance in this process.

The last time I did that, the guidance I received was to write a clear and final letter and send. Doing that released the last of the resentment I was holding onto with this person. It did not bring about a resolution with the person but it didn’t matter. I wasn’t doing it for them. It was for me to let go of it. It worked.


Thanks God u are healthy, and believe me, u will figure out the way to support ur angels. Even if the y have to work, together with u, they will work for own future and it will make them stronger, more selfconfident and bring more selfesteem.
Unlike “parasites” , honest people value honestly earned money much more than “granted”, throug that year of hard working, they will learn great lesson which can only make them stronger! And PROUD!
At this moment, forget the ANGER and focuse on things u can do for u and ur kidds. Think about bastard as on some natural catastrophe 🙂 eartquake, tsunami…plague…and thank God u are still healthy and able to work. U will rebuild ur home and finance, u already proved u are able to do that. Take my hand…i am passing through the same path, just disabled with totally ruined health.
U can do it, girl!

Thanks StarGazer — I will try the intent but currently there is so much stress not sure if I can even clearly put that thought out.

Thornbud — Not sure if I am healthy as emotionally I am such a wreck and depressed that I am having to force myself to do simplest thing. I found out today that The daughter who I am struggling to send to school is helping her dad look great on social network by posting comments to him which is killing me right now. He didn’t talk to her for 2 years and recently couldn’t give her money for school and I had to borrow to support her. She tells me one thing and behind my back supporting him and when she puts nice comments about him all these other women who he has worked on so successfully are totally believing what a great guys he is. I feel so torn and I almost feel like I am being taken by her as well just like by him. She does lie to me alot but I feel like she is my child and I have to give her this last chance to see if she focuses on school. He doesn’t have to do anything except talk and he is someone she feels connected to while I am stressed and going crazy for her and I am being lied too about how she continues to get closer to him. I feel like I have him in my hand in her form. When does this end? I feel like I need to be strong and cut my cord with her too as lying has been ongoing and bullying too and I have been fighting my gut that I have a child with his genetics. I feel like I can’t handle one thing before next thing is hitting me. How could world be so crazy? How could people be this mean to people who sacrifice so much for them? I know the logical answer of knowing sociopathic behavior these people have no concious but very hard when I think you may be dealing with 2 of them in your life. I question is it the age or is it the genetics? am i over analyzing and this child is just hurting for dad’s attention in her life? Right now I struggle to take a clear breath and feel my chest so tight and head just very fogged. Life can’t be this hard for one person to handle. There has to be some relief of years of this abuse by him and I just can’t bear the thought of having to deal with pain of having 2 of them be the same in mylife.


unfortunatelly, i guess none of us escaped emotianl wounds. They will stay always in some corner of ur heart.
Even one S/N is too much to bear, yes, and here u can meet many of us who survived 2,3 or even more if those people.
Do not question urself too much now, maybe ur daughter is lost in all this mess, maybe to young, maybe she has father’s genetics. Those are questions u cant answer at the moment, so try to do what u can. Take care of URSELF, because u need all ur strength to fight life and for life, to stand on ur feet.
Maybe she does not understand the whole situation, time will show. Focus on urself now, to get better and stonger, thats the only way out. Right now u are hurting urself additionally and it is not good!!!!
YES, life can be hard, even harder than u can imagine, and think on it, dont make it harder by urself. Make it better, by loving urself, taking care of urself.
Disordered or not, ur childr will grow and leave to live own life one day, some day, and the only one who will stay with u till ur last moment is YOU. So focus on urself, tkae some help, take some antidepresants, this way u are ruining ur health what will make situation harder.
I am telling u this because i have been there, and still i am, one step forward, one step backward, but i am moving slowly, an u will. Believe me!

They say that time heals all. I was so bitter whenever someone told me that, even angry, and for sure – not believing. Now, after 4 years it really hurts less. I used to go to sleep (if my nightmares could be namet SLEEP at all) with thoughts on him and pain, i used to wakeup in the morning and first thought was about him, i used to lay in bed without any will to get out, but i had to because of obligations for my child. It is not like that anymore. One morning i wokeup and saw beautiful sunny morning, and than realised: Ohhhhhh, is it posible i did not think on him first????
I refused to meet people, friends, familly, got introverted. ME, who was always positive, who always made others laugh and happy. Recently, i reconnected with old friends, not all of them, but slowly i am doing it. I even made new connections, with new lovely people.
Things will be better, and nomatter if u refuse now to believe, TIME heals 🙂 it does, really! I am not telling u this just in order to comfort u, i am telling u a truth, and all ppl here will tell u the same. Because, truth is ONE without exemptions.
Be strong, be brave, resist reading what ur daughter write, resist taking a look at his page…like u dont look at dog’s poo at the street. Cuz, IT IS A POO, and if we touch a poo it just smells worse. Turn ur eyes to something nice, go buy a flover, seed some flower and watch it grow, turn the musick u love and go back to old u, u used to be, before that poo contaminated u with its bad smell!
Blessings and hugs


thornbud: ‘like u dont look at dog’s poo at the street. Cuz, IT IS A POO, and if we touch a poo it just smells worse.’


thank you. I too wake up in the middle of the night with nasty feelings and wake up in the mornings with unease. Today I tought I woke up ok but rest of the day has been stressful. I too like your poop analogy. I really hate that he is able to con people. some of the women knew he was physcially abusive to me but have said how they knew he is so good no matter what anyone tells. I guess I totally underestimated power of S’s charming ability. I am a worry wart and I do worry about everything and god knows there is enough on my plate. I need to learn to live day at a time but being a planner that is so hard to do.

I do need to focus on myself as I am pretty sure by now it will be on my OWN when times are tough. Let’s hope for a better day tomorrow. I have a job interview to go to and I feel and look so bad that I am going to need alot to pull it off. I am not thrilled about the job but in this economy looking at getting something so excitement isn’t quiet there so let’s see how it goes.

One Step = disassociation during the ‘procedure’ is very very common as is complex PTSD – the forgetting is a symptom of it. It causes PTSD because it is an experience so far out of the realm of normal our minds cannot rationalise it so they stuff it way way down and then we find ways to re-enact it subconcsciouly. Example … I have a ring of belly fat that I never had before. No matter how I diet or what I do, I can’t get rid of it. You definitely need some healing from this major major trauma – no matter how long ago it was. I would like to email you privately about this – do you think you could ask Donna to pass you my email or me your’s? I have some resources that will definitely help you in healing from this. It’s just another layer that complicates recovery from the Spaths. Sending you big big hugs – it’s so brave to admit the real damage this does rather than staying in denial and rationalisation – there is a path forward and once you have the tools it’s much much easier.


polly – i will email donna and ask her to pass on my email. yes, resources would be good. thank you.

i dissociate about it NOW. now that i know it is important and needs healing. it’s been a chattering noise in my brain for almost 3 decades. what a huge use of CPU.

in my day – they knocked us out! i was working a year later, in a collective trying to bring a stand alone clinic to the city i lived in. i had the opportunity to go to a very large city and hang out (after being verbally assaulted by protesters) in such a clinic and it did a lot to heal the truama of being treated like shit in the hospital. but, that is just a part of it….

it has been pretty quiet here today – i have been hanging around and hanging a round wanting to play. 🙁

I know that feeling One Step – I was like that at the weekend but am now back to work 🙁 Dead sad 🙁

Well hopefully I can email some stuff to you that should help and give you some alternate views that show a path to healing. It took me a long long time to find it – I had no idea reactions afterwards were normal for some people. Some people are fine afterwards, but for some it is a wound that festers.

Think everyone might be back to work now – real life takes over!

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