If you read the stories of victims of sociopaths, many common themes are apparent. One of these is the victim complains that he/she is riddled with anxiety while the sociopath goes on with life effortlessly. From the point of view of a victim then, it is hard to see fear as a gift. Many say they wish the sociopath suffered some anxiety over the mess of their lives. The worst sociopaths (psychopaths) even go to prison multiple times, only viewing this fate as “an occupational hazard.”
Over the past 100 years, clinicians and scientists have written about the lack of fear in sociopaths. Many have speculated that lack of anxiety or fearlessness is one of the causes of sociopathy/psychopathy. In fact, one researcher was able to show that the level of anxiety shown by children in the first two years of life predicted conscience at age 6. Low fear kids had less of a conscience. In these low fear kids, only empathy predicts conscience.
If you are with me in raising a fearless child whose other parent is a sociopath, you have to understand this risk factor for the disorder. Fearless kids require specialized parenting that focuses on developing empathy to an advanced degree. They have to be super empathetic to make up for their deficit in guilt/anxiety/fear. Many writing on this blog have questioned whether empathy can be taught or fostered. There is much evidence that the development of empathy can be enhanced by the right parenting.
My son’s teachers have all described him as very caring and empathetic even without knowing that I wrote a book on that subject. So I can give testimony as to what helps fearless, at-risk kids have empathy and conscience through empathy. Many fearless kids, like my son are resistant to punishment. So the only hook you have with them is a loving relationship. You need a big hook too, because the same fearless kids are energetic and very impulsive, so they require a great deal of correcting. Their only motivation to learn to control their behavior is to have the approval of those they love. This is why the usual American parenting style, which does not foster close family relationships, produces sociopathy in fearless at risk kids.
Many parents who come to realize they are dealing with a fearless at-risk child, come to believe that “discipline” will fix the problem. They therefore seek out advice on how to do this effectively. They use all the techniques only to find out that they may work in the moment here and there but do very little to impact the fearless child’s behavior overall.
Also I should say that fearlessness and dominance behavior go hand in hand, so these kids are what most people call “strong-willed.” Many religious leaders have therefore said that it is important to “break the will” of strong-willed kids.
The problem with trying to break the will of an at-risk child and focusing on discipline, is that these do not instill what at risk children need to develop a conscience. These kids don’t need to be broken, they need to be fixed! The fix involves teaching them to love.
When teaching a child to love, it is important to remember that negative family experiences have a stronger weight in our minds that loving ones. The at-risk child responds to negative interactions, not with fear but with more dominance behavior. Psychologists have determined that in order to be of equal weight, our positive loving experiences have to out-weigh our conflicts by 5:1. So we have to experience 5 times more love than conflict in order for us to feel stable.
If you are with me raising at-risk kids you will immediately see the “Catch 22.” These kids need constant correcting because they are so impulsive. If they get a thought to do something, they do it instantly and they have a hard time terminating an unwanted behavior. So the usual parenting means 100 times more conflict than love for these kids. In a nut shell that is why many develop sociopathy. Study after study has shown that when normal loving parents adopt children with genetic risk (whose biologic parents are sociopaths), they turn negative and punitive toward the kids.
Without focused practice loving, the absence of guilt turns into a complete absence of conscience for at-risk kids. A person with guilt deficiency can have a conscience if he/she has empathy. Without either guilt or empathy you get a psychopath. (Also by the way some guilt with no empathy makes ____________ personality disorder? You fill in the blank.)
Ok now many of you are saying to yourselves, “I don’t buy this fearless, lack of anxiety crap. The sociopath I was with was neurotic as hell.” Although studies of groups of sociopaths show that within individuals the level of anxiety is negatively correlated with the level of sociopathy, it also turns out that the rates of phobias (other than social phobia) and anxiety disorders are NOT lower in sociopaths.
Scientists are presently very puzzled trying to reconcile all these observations. The evidence that fearlessness and lack of anxiety are causative in sociopathy is fairly strong. How do we explain then, phobias and anxiety in sociopaths and conduct disordered kids?
I can offer some explanation based on my reading and my own observations of sociopaths and their offspring. I think the critical question is WHEN the fear system develops in a child, if it does. I think that in many sociopaths, the fear system develops too late to impact their development in a positive way. So if a child develops fears after he/she has already developed a pattern of dominant, impulsive behavior, those fears do little to positively impact his personality development. Instead these fears lead a child to become even more aggressive in self defense.
Also realize that if a child’s fear system, which is supposed to develop by 2, doesn’t develop until 4 or 5, he/she is left without the tools to manage the fears. Children are supposed to use their loving relationships to cope with their fears. The at-risk child, at 5 already has a poor relationship with his/her caregivers because of the impulsive behavior. Who is the child supposed to turn to when afraid? The only thing that child can do is to focus on having interpersonal power. If he/she is powerful then he/she can’t be hurt. I encourage you to go and observe this for yourself this summer. Go to a local playground and observe the kids. You will see the dominant ones using fantasies of power to cope with their fears.
So as I have said before, sociopaths do not have the gift of fear. The way fear works in their lives never helps to keep them safe. Their experience of fear is aberrant; they suffer with it but that suffering does them no good. For sociopaths fear and anxiety are not connected to avoidance of stuff that gets them in trouble. For them fear and anxiety are connected to the opposite, fantasies of interpersonal power. Feeling anxious only makes them aggress more on others.
I am interested to hear your accounts of phobias, fears and anxiety in the sociopath you were involved with. Also if you have at-risk children please feel free to comment on how hard it is to parent them. This is one area where the observations of family members can contribute to our understanding of both sociopathy and how it develops.
For tools to help your at-risk child develop empathy and emotional intelligence visit The Parent’s Store.
Dear Dr. Leedom,
Both of the P’s in my life (My daughters father, and the con-artist) displayed serious signs of obsessive compulsive disorder.
The Father P was very abusive about his obsessions. It was a germ related obsession. He used to watch scarry movies almost every day. I couldn’t watch scarry movies at all. I felt as if he lived the fear of those scarry movies through me. He would say things to me that were not real and interestinly enough were from movies he had just watched. I used to fight back telling him he is watching too many scarry movies. He was obsessive about these movies. He had a sense of humor about it but than there was the abuse. I wonder…was he feeling fear or trying to feel fear with me. Did it validate him beating me. And he was a pathological liar. When we split…it was Christmas eve and of course there was an episode….but what was to come was an unbelieveable lie. He told his mother I was a hooker/drug addict. It came out at my parents house a few weeks after we split when he and his so called “cousin”….and his mother were visiting my daughter(she was a year old) and they came past her bed time….he never reguarded anyone else’s time….that was another issue! I had gone to the airport to pick up my brother who was flying in from Chicago. The so called cousin is now his wife! I called the house to see how everything was going…My mother said they had to wake my daughter up for the visit. I asked to speak to “him”….I just told him he had to come at a proper time. Right away he say’s “what! You don’t want my mother here anymore!” I couldn’t believe it….but I knew he was a liar….He was a great liar….in business….but at the time I didn’t see the harm in some of his lies. Those were to me innocent white lies….but not everyone can do that…but this time it was distructive and vicious…..Than his mother became angry and told my parents that I was nothing but a street whore drug addict…that her son saved! My parents tried to say that they knew that I would never had said such a thing to him about his mother and defended my credibility by saying that their daughter did not have time to do drugs she was spending the past 6 years in college as an A student….and she is noting you are saying! But the damage was done!
The Con-artist P was a clean picture perfect obsessive personality who obviously brought his obsessions into casino gambling! The first P was not as organized as he was concerned about Germs. With the second P everyting was lined up right down to the vaccume lines in his carpet which by the way I was only aloud to see a few times (his appartment). He would say he was not afraid of people. And he was brazen enough to say after he stole all my money…”if you go to the police I will hide all the money…you will get nothing!” And other times he would say “I will Kill you”….It was as though he wanted to keep me around for the thrill of the control. It was very difficult for me to break this. I had all the fear.
Both men claimed they were smarter than people….the first P used to say he was “God”….The second P went to church evey Sunday….and I think that he felt superior because of that! He said once that he made a pac with God. And God takes care of him. I think he felt in some way that my money was a gift to him! In the begining he said he prayed to God for a nice girl like me….but what he did is turn me into an angry girl and then after stealing all my assets he was able to justify getting rid of me because I was not nice anymore!
As far as raising children…I think everyone should raise their children to know what is socially expected of them….when I learned what a “crazy” guy my x was….I automatically knew I had to teach my daughter to be socially responsible. We always talked about her “unacceptable” behavior, My “unexceptable” behavior and others “unacceptable” behavior. I have always had a potty mouth that comes out once in a while….my daughter does not. I knew my mouth came from my father having that mouth! It’s an Irish thing! But I didn’t want my daughter to have it so I talked about it with her….and she was aloud to correct me when it came out…and I would appologise. It got better but I still can have a potty mouth when I am angry! We talked about bad behavior and what the effects are on society. We talked about a loving community, about healing the world. About becoming a positive influence on people and society. I talked alot about how demeaning it was to become a liar. That it is very manipulative…and the affects can be devistating. But I was learning as I was going along….because my parents never taught me these things. Good thing for self help books.
I always wonder if some of that stuff stayed with her because now she lives with her dad….and she has turned away from me completely. It was two years ago when I saw her last. She came to visit and I threw her a huge graduation party. I remember that I had broke my prescription glasses at the house. She wanted to stay a little longer….and she had to call her dad….she was laughing about me breaking my glasses to him….and she basically told him she wanted to spend more time with her friends….I asked her why she did that. She said she knew if she made fun of me and let him think she wasn’t there for me….that he might let her stay! I said that’s fine now but it’s not right….and I explained how much that hurt me!
I wonder what will come of her future….she has different personalities for different people….it worries me….so much that I told her last that I would only develope a relationship with her again if we went to therapy first. This has been a most difficult life for me and my family.
Dr. Leedom,
First, the xs never seemed afraid of anything. Even when he really, really should have been. Anger was more likely displayed… but it seemed to be annoyance based and not fear based. (In other words, he was pissed off that he was being inconvenienced and not afraid he’d finally been caught, yet again.)
The xs RARELY showed any emotion…at least, any emotion that had any feeling of being genuine. He sometimes would voice the “right” emotions, but he never looked like he was FEELING it. There were lots stories around town of his capacity for violence (and other things)- he didn’t display that at home, with me, so OF COURSE I didn’t believe those stories! He knew I wouldn’t put up with physical abuse- I had left my first husband because of physical and verbal abuse. SO, he emotionally abused me…lol. He NEVER displayed fear, regret, guilt, remorse. Only occasionally, during the last few mos we were “together” did I see the disgust, anger, and repulsion cast at me. Those looks were so dark, so intense…and, for once, felt REAL. All the times I’d questioned whether he loved me or not were answered. No. Not at all. In fact, the opposite: he despised me.
He said he loathed homosexuals, needles, and people who act like victims. I suppose it must be very annoying to have the people you victimize actually complain about you victimizing them. The nerve! I wonder if he had homosexual tendencies- nothing I ever saw. But that is no barometer. Needles, I am guessing, had to do with exposing his drug usage…which I’ve learned was pretty constant. That would explain where SOME of the money went. He shaved all visible hair off before he went to prison in April…presumably to cover up his drug usage. (I didn’t ask if he shaved the NON-visible hair…lol).
I have 2 little boys from the “marriage” to the xs. My 8yo seems empathetic and conscientious. He is not a discipline problem at school (he does get marks for talking too much on occasion- but that probably came from my gene pool.) Interestingly enough, he didn’t see his father for 3 mos after he was first charged. The judge ordered visitation after that- he had problems (briefly and nothing really bad) at school and at home. I thought it was the “change” in his routine. When the visitations stopped, I expected another round of angry outbursts, short temper, and some defiance. But, there was nothing; he actually seemed relieved. I think that once I wasn’t around to buffer the aggression and hurtful behaviour of the xs, the boy differentiated his treatment between mom and dad. At least, that is what I garnered from the conversations I’ve had with him. (I was onsite/present for the supervised visitations, but I did not interfere. It seemed like the xs was doing a fine job of alienating his 8yo son on his own. It was kind of a weaning process.)
The xs had pretty much isolated us from my family. We SAW them semi-regularly, but you know how it is when you’re with a sociopath…on the outside, everything looks okey dokey and you NEVER talk about what is really underneath that plastic smile plastered on your face.
Now? My children and I are very close to my parents and my sisters. Realizing that the boys are at-risk, we are especially careful and loving with them. You could say we have rallied around them. (And my daughter too- the victim he went to prison for- but that’s another story.) Some of the non-fogged out family members of the xs say that my 8yo is nothing like his father at this age. Apparently the xs was already miserable to be around by the time he was 5 or 6…which goes along with what you’re saying, Doc.
My other son just turned 2. I threw the xs out when he was 4mos old, and because of the sex abuse allegations, he’d only had limited time with the baby prior to that. From 7mos to 23mos, the xs only saw the children for 2hrs one weekday night and 2hrs 1 Sat per month. He didn’t show up for a several. I don’t believe he would have shown up for as many as he did except that that was the only way his mother got to see the boys. And he needed her to keep funding his lifestyle. So he showed up to keep the money flowing. I never should have agreed to allow her to be the supervisor for visitation- I didn’t realize HER part in his drama until much later. One of the eye-openings for me was that the woman brought her husbands 12yo granddaughter to supervised visitations with her son, who was accused of raping a 12-15 yo girl. The girl had NO reason to be there, she brought her along anyway. I guess she figured if he didn’t rape her right there in the playland at McDonald’s that he was innocent. I do not allow her any contact with my children now that he is in prison and visitations are over. Why would I? She has a lying/cheating/thieving/pedophile for a son and an alcoholic/gambling addicted/bartending whore for a daughter who engages in pyramid schemes and illegal gambling in addition to the casinos. Neither of her children are even remotely self-sufficient, much less successful. Perhaps she’d like to enable my boys into an ax-murderer and a serial killer? Good grief. She is also Anti-My daughter. She blames her for this “terrible misunderstanding.” (vomit). I do not allow anyone around my children that doesn’t understand that the 4 of us are a family, a package deal. All or us or none of us. Period.
From what I gathered from his family over the years, both the xs’s bio father and adopted father were sociopaths. His family is hell-bent on making monsters. How sad/sick is that?
So far, parenting my at-risk children has involved more worrying about it than anything. I’ve had the 8yo evaluated by 2 different psychologists at different stages of this nightmare. So far, so good. And I’m good at worrying- I’ll take it in exchange for perhaps there really being nothing in my boys to worry about. I hope. I’m not dating, so I don’t have any emotional distractions to take me away from them and my family is highly involved. We are committed to helping these little boys grow up to be good men. I hope and pray the cycle ends with the xs.
My ex showed fear of dying. In the court documents that our family counselor submitted to the court, she said that my ex’s father died working at the same occupation my ex does now. My ex was four when he died. The counselor said my ex showed fear of dying because of this.
In that report I mention above, the counselor also said that my ex reported that he was an unruly child and that his mother often had to call his grandfather to come over to help discipline. He reported that the grandfather would physically have to sit on him to get him under control.
The S with whom I was involved was very proficient at a risky sport and liked to show off by making it even riskier…sort of a like a child might by riding his bike without hands. So, fear for him was a thrill, it quickened his emotions, and by adding that extra dollop of fear, he was pushing himself to the emotional limit and becoming the darling of the sport.
In passing once, he mentioned that he had studied the course intently beforehand – maybe he had even visualized himself doing it – and figured out the riskiest part ahead of time. Perhaps that fear or self-preservation set in later as you point out.
Taking calculated risks seemed to carry over to his personal life where I think he calculated many risky moves he made with people close to him – or people he wanted to get close to – when not caught up emotionally. Under emotional conflict, all bets were off – he would just jump.
The one fear he did express was of losing all his money, becoming homeless and sitting on a curb with some passed-out woman with smeared mascara. Maybe he was visualizing that, too. He did seem to dance on the edge of self-destruction.
Having raised two biiological sons, and having no doubt that both sides of my family are riddled with psychopaths, and that my son’s grandfather from the other side is a psychopath, here goes.
Son C, was born very hyperactive—before he went to school I just knew he was “into everything” and him being my only chld I didn’t have a lot to compare him with. He was very bright, that was apparent, but “bright” is the norm in my family so again, nothing too out of the ordinary. He was speaking in sentences before age 2, and doing things that other kids his age weren’t. He wasn’t difficult to “control” and responded well to correction of “don’t touch” or “don’t do that” he was not mean to other children or to pets. He just required an “eye on him” to keep him from geting hurt climbing on things.
My second son, P, was born when the first son was 17 months old. He was a different from the first from the start. He didn’t have the hyperactivity, and was a fussy baby for the first 6 weeks, but after that, cried seldom, smiled a great deal—his development was slowed by a surgery he had at five months, which after that his motor skills regressed and he didn’t sit up or walk much, but at age 11 months he just sat up, stood up and walked, all, it seemed in a very short time.
My older son C “sort of owned” “the baby” and seemed to really care for him. He would “interpret” what the baby was “saying” to the point that they almost developed a “twin language” with the baby babbling something and the older son telling us what it meant. We thoguht for a wile that the baby was actually slow with language. At age three he said very little, and his brother still interpreted. Then one day my mother gave the baby 3 cookies and set him at the bar while she was doing something andhe said “One, two, three” she was amazed, here was a kid that couldn’t say much more than Mama and da da, and he was counting—she gave him more cookies and he counted to 20, only missing one number. After that day, he talked freely in “English” instead of the “twin language” which gradually faded away.
The older chld C was the more dominant with the younger child P being the submissive one and that went on until at age 5-6 they went to separate kindergardens and the younger child seemed to “blossom” out from under the influence of his older brother. He became very anxious to please adults by good behavior.
He was so neat and clean and careful not to spill his milk, like his hyperactive brother, that we used to laugh and call him “little Peter Perfect” because when his brother would invariably spill his milk at dinner, he would say “I didn’t spill MY milk”
Later, the dominance seemed to reverse and the younger child who had caught up with the older one in size, started to become the more dominant of the two, and they started to scrap physically. I learned though, that even though the older child might be the one to strike th first blow, the younger one had “provoked” him unmercifully for quite some time before the first blow was struck.
I stopped this by explaining to them that neither the “provoking” behavior or the striking behavior was acceptable and that in the future if they went to blows that BOTH boys would be punished. I thought it never would stop, but one day heard them (can’t remember which one said it) but “If you do that again, I will hit you and we will both be in trouble.” It seemed after that that they stopped the scrapping.
The younger boy developed very socially and was popular with both kids and teachers. The older boy, due to his hyperactivity was not as popular with the other kids as his brother, but was cooperative with the teachers and did well in school. He was well advanced in his math, reading and English over others his age. The younger child was also very gifted and scored well and made good grades.
It wasn’t until age 9 and 10 when I was divorced that I had any problems with either kid really other than the fact that I had to watch that the hyperactive older son didn’t physically hurt himself climbing–he had no fear of heights or water and swam well and would without supervision have jumped off a cliff into the ocean! LOL
After my divorce (sudden, unexpected, and another story) the older child literally cried uncontrollably for two years, the younger child became quietly enraged at his father (who had been quite close I thought to both boys, spending a lot of time with them) and angry, vs. his brothers crushed heart.
My explination to them about their dad’s disappearance and failure to even contact them or me was that he was “mentally ill, and you can’t quit loving him even when he acts this way, because his illness is like an appendix problem makkes your belly hurt, and his kind of illness makes his mind hurt and not work right.”
My older son was so stressed by the divorce that he literally quit growing–failure to thrive syndrome–the younger son kept on growing and maturing and became the larger, more physically mature child very quickly over the next few years.
I had put the older child into a “home schooling” situation because he was not doing well in public school at the time. He did well in a small enviornment with that type of schooling and had many friends in the neighborhood to play with, and did well with them and with his brother.
At age 11 though, the younger child displayed what I now see as Psychopathic behavior. He stole money and an uncashed check from my purse and “traded” it with another kid for a radio (Walkman) which he wanted and I couldn’t afford. When questioned about it, he said the other kid loaned it to him. A few days later, though, the parents of the other kid called me and came over with their son, the uncashed check and a $20 bill and we all sat down together—even in the face of total evidence of what he had done, my son remained stoic and denied, denied, denied, or said nothing. That night, he ran away from home.
AFter turing out the entire county to search for him, he was found several miles from home, and was still stoic and unrepentant. Definat. He looked me in the eye and said “You can’t watch me 24 hours a day, I will do it again.” He had the same hard look in his eyes then that I have seen in his eyes since. The same LOOK that my psychopathic father displayed when he was enraged.
I took him out of public school at that point, and borrowed the money to put him into a private school, sent him to live with my retired parents during the week (about 11 miles away) so he could catch a ride to the school 20 miles away from there with a teacher who lived a few doors down from my parents. So he essentially had 24 hour supervision at that point. My step father spent a great amount of time with him and he seemed to flourish under this attention, the new school, which challenged him more in his learning, and when I finished my advanced degree, we picked up and moved and I saw no more problems out of him until he hit puberty. He interacted well with his peers, his brother, adults, teachers, and got along well in school (still a private school, but one he shared with his brother now). I couldn’t have asked for a more responsible and pleasant young son. Both boys were doing great, I thought.
When he hit puberty however, he took to open definance and to sneaking around when I slept or was at work. It was totally sudden it seemed to me. The boys were doing great and I had sent them for the summer up to my parents to visit and for my step dad to teach them to drive (he had been a driving instructor in a high school) and when they came back, my younger son, the one who would eventually go to prison for murder, was NOT the same cooperative kid I had sent off to my parents’ two months before. He was totally dominant over his older brother, he was a liar, he dropped his “good” friends like hot potatoes and started hanging out with thugs from the neighborhood. I had NO control over his behavior and he lied continually. Things went down hill from there until by age 16 he was stealing, and God knows what all. By 17 he had been arrested several times. By 18 he was in prison for a 5 yrs sentence, did 2, got out and got right back into crime and 5 months later went to prison for murder. DENY DENY DENY his crimes. He did, over the years, though, teach himself to fake “repentence” and “religion” and get what he wanted–commissary money–from us. Visits and books, money for the craft shop, etc.
He actually brags (I have a letter he wrote to a x-convict friend) about how MUCH MORE HORRIBLE his crime of murder was than even the cops know about, and he said those same words to me and his adopted brother. (My third and youngest son) He has NO remorse, and is capable of anything in the way of coniving and lies to get what he wants. He harbors rage for any “slight” to his “rights” of absolute control over everyone in his family.
His hyperactive older brother is a caring and kind man who would give the shirt off his back to anyone who asked for it. He is successfully employed and a hard worker. Unfortunately, he is also somewhat of an enabler, and married a personality disordered woman, but last summer after her affair and attempt on his life–she and her BF went to jail/prison and he divorced her. He is in the midst of healing, but now recognizes his brother’s psychopathic mind set, the enabling behaviors of his grandmother, myself, and himself. He is also on the healing path, as his adopted brother and I are…and I am very proud of him. We are all NC with his P-brother in prison, and have limited if any contact with my mother who is so deeply into the toxic enabling of my P-son in prison and at her advanced age isn’t likely to change. My son C comes to this site from time to time to lurk and read and learn, and like us all, it will take him some time to fully process the havoc caused by the personality disordered people in our lives. He like us all, feels USED, but I think the lessons we have all learned from this is that we won’t be used again…we will not tolerate that kind of behavior.
I’m not sure what if anything I would have done differently in raising my “at risk” child with the genetic and metal make up of my psychopathic biological father. While my “fearless” hyperactive son had and has a wonderful loving heart, my quiet, calm and “sweet” younger son was the one who turned out to be the soul defecient monster without a conscience. Go figure!
Not sure but maybe the “gift of fear” is really the “gift of a smear campaign”. This Campaign is play out over and over again with the people they “hurt”. In fact I have seen that sociopaths put so much time and effort into it. They get others (family members, friends) people to help them. Why? So many times have they told us that we mean nothing to them! But still they will spend consisteable time in this smear campaign. May I also add the over the 2 years involved in research and taking with other members. Not one, no not one got away from this “smear campaign”! When we try over and over again (after the breakup) to just walk away. Telling them we don’t care anymore and just want peace. Please don’t call; please just leave us along. Boom! It’s like no way!! So what do we have to do. Move; change our contact information and then wait to see what happens next. Personally for me, I had to move more then once. Change my phone numbers including my cell numbers. Thank God, she has trouble remembering email addresses (one which she even set up one for one of my sons). God, the last letter she mailed to my sons, she gave her email address. Her phone number (this was back in July 2007) wanting them to contact her! No contact was made! No contact will be made. We have been in NC now for two years readers, two years! Now that would tell a normal person something, right? Believe me, if she had a phone number. She would call. If she have an email address, she would write. Why in God’s name would I want any contact with this person after (learned about this after she left) her “smear campaign”? What was it?
I beat her. [There is no record of any domestic violence and they never was any domestic violence in my home] [Yes, there were verbal exchange and some very bad ones]
I am a alcoholic [Yes, I did drink a lot when this person was with us. But today, barely drink at all, which did surprise me]
These are the only two that I know about for a fact, but I am sure there is more..
As for my two older boys. None of them show any sociopathic traits.
Ages from 14 to 17 years of age
Either child got into trouble at school.
Never been arrested or in trouble with the law
Either child uses drugs or even show an interest in that
Both are polite, honest children.
I have never received a negative reply from any person regarding my children behavior.
So, who does “carry” this gene (anti-social) when it comes to children? The male or female or both? Both see what their mother has done and is doing as “wrong”. In fact my oldest stated that she doesn’t deserve the title “mother” and now either refer to her as a mother. They call her by her first name only…
My ex sociopath never discussed fears, phobias or anxieties with me. He was the calmest person I have ever met. I did see him get angry easily and suddenly though. He also suffered from paranoia, mostly in the form of conspiracy theories.
The sociopaths baby is not born yet. Thus far the baby has been really active in womb. He was in womb when I experienced the sociopathic trama (as many of the sociopathic babies are), and I hope the stress didn’t effect him. The main reason I kicked the sociopath out is because I couldn’t protect my baby while he was in the house. The chaos he created, was causing me way too much stress. Since he has left, I haven’t cried like I did with him here and my stress has greatly reduced. Hopefully the little baby will be ok. And, hopefully he didn’t inherit the gene!
FEAR is exactly what my P husband fed to my little boy since infancy! He started terrorizing my son by throwing screaming fits, snatching my baby up and running through the house ear piercing screams like someone from an insane asylum(like what they portray in movies). Around the time my son turned 2 he ( my husband) asked for a playstation2. He had never been interested in video games before but this did not register with me as a red flag or unusual until it was too late. He started by taking my son into the computer room and closing the door to play games. The first games I bought were Mario Bros. and flight simulator game. These were not being played behind closed doors and in fact once he got my son started on the violence videos he would leave the room and the boy would be by himself playing them. Once I discovered this I threw all the bad videos out only to find he would slowly replace them over and over. My son would hide it from me too. One of the games that was really upsetting and kept getting replaced was Duke Nukem. It was a military type guy who was murdering pole dancers (female strippers). This game kept turning up until my son was about 6. I also found horror/slasher movies. I didn’t realize my son could watch movies on the playstation until I started finding the stashed movies and my son told me he was watching them on it. Any game that had murder, demeaning women and children..this man was feeding to my son. When I would find the videos/ movies and pitch them, he would take my son to arcades to keep the violence going. My son has not slept in his own bed since he was 2 and sleeps in my bed. This became a huge point of contention with my husband and he loved to tell it to our various marriage counselors. Though my husband has not shared a bedroom with me for 13 years, he enjoyed scaring the crap out of my son, then bitching about him sleeping in my bed (the catch 22). When my son was 6 my husband began throwing gender confusing games and movies into the mix. My son told me that he was telling him all his friends were homosexual and there is nothing wrong with it, that women are evil and will take all of your money and things. My husband never showed any real interest in my son other than loading him up with games, toys, movies and then slamming his bedroom door in the boys face. My husband spent his time at home in his bedroom and would barely speak to us. On Sat. or a Sun. he would take my son in the car and disappear for hours and always return loaded with toys. That is the times he would talk to my son, when he had him alone but the messages he was giving him were destructive and wicked and there was no one around to counter what he was telling the little boy. Even as I write this it makes me sick to my stomach. There is so much more to tell but I may never know all that he was doing, saying and the damage he has done to my son. I am angry and I admit I do wish him a hot seat in hell.