If you read the stories of victims of sociopaths, many common themes are apparent. One of these is the victim complains that he/she is riddled with anxiety while the sociopath goes on with life effortlessly. From the point of view of a victim then, it is hard to see fear as a gift. Many say they wish the sociopath suffered some anxiety over the mess of their lives. The worst sociopaths (psychopaths) even go to prison multiple times, only viewing this fate as “an occupational hazard.”
Over the past 100 years, clinicians and scientists have written about the lack of fear in sociopaths. Many have speculated that lack of anxiety or fearlessness is one of the causes of sociopathy/psychopathy. In fact, one researcher was able to show that the level of anxiety shown by children in the first two years of life predicted conscience at age 6. Low fear kids had less of a conscience. In these low fear kids, only empathy predicts conscience.
If you are with me in raising a fearless child whose other parent is a sociopath, you have to understand this risk factor for the disorder. Fearless kids require specialized parenting that focuses on developing empathy to an advanced degree. They have to be super empathetic to make up for their deficit in guilt/anxiety/fear. Many writing on this blog have questioned whether empathy can be taught or fostered. There is much evidence that the development of empathy can be enhanced by the right parenting.
My son’s teachers have all described him as very caring and empathetic even without knowing that I wrote a book on that subject. So I can give testimony as to what helps fearless, at-risk kids have empathy and conscience through empathy. Many fearless kids, like my son are resistant to punishment. So the only hook you have with them is a loving relationship. You need a big hook too, because the same fearless kids are energetic and very impulsive, so they require a great deal of correcting. Their only motivation to learn to control their behavior is to have the approval of those they love. This is why the usual American parenting style, which does not foster close family relationships, produces sociopathy in fearless at risk kids.
Many parents who come to realize they are dealing with a fearless at-risk child, come to believe that “discipline” will fix the problem. They therefore seek out advice on how to do this effectively. They use all the techniques only to find out that they may work in the moment here and there but do very little to impact the fearless child’s behavior overall.
Also I should say that fearlessness and dominance behavior go hand in hand, so these kids are what most people call “strong-willed.” Many religious leaders have therefore said that it is important to “break the will” of strong-willed kids.
The problem with trying to break the will of an at-risk child and focusing on discipline, is that these do not instill what at risk children need to develop a conscience. These kids don’t need to be broken, they need to be fixed! The fix involves teaching them to love.
When teaching a child to love, it is important to remember that negative family experiences have a stronger weight in our minds that loving ones. The at-risk child responds to negative interactions, not with fear but with more dominance behavior. Psychologists have determined that in order to be of equal weight, our positive loving experiences have to out-weigh our conflicts by 5:1. So we have to experience 5 times more love than conflict in order for us to feel stable.
If you are with me raising at-risk kids you will immediately see the “Catch 22.” These kids need constant correcting because they are so impulsive. If they get a thought to do something, they do it instantly and they have a hard time terminating an unwanted behavior. So the usual parenting means 100 times more conflict than love for these kids. In a nut shell that is why many develop sociopathy. Study after study has shown that when normal loving parents adopt children with genetic risk (whose biologic parents are sociopaths), they turn negative and punitive toward the kids.
Without focused practice loving, the absence of guilt turns into a complete absence of conscience for at-risk kids. A person with guilt deficiency can have a conscience if he/she has empathy. Without either guilt or empathy you get a psychopath. (Also by the way some guilt with no empathy makes ____________ personality disorder? You fill in the blank.)
Ok now many of you are saying to yourselves, “I don’t buy this fearless, lack of anxiety crap. The sociopath I was with was neurotic as hell.” Although studies of groups of sociopaths show that within individuals the level of anxiety is negatively correlated with the level of sociopathy, it also turns out that the rates of phobias (other than social phobia) and anxiety disorders are NOT lower in sociopaths.
Scientists are presently very puzzled trying to reconcile all these observations. The evidence that fearlessness and lack of anxiety are causative in sociopathy is fairly strong. How do we explain then, phobias and anxiety in sociopaths and conduct disordered kids?
I can offer some explanation based on my reading and my own observations of sociopaths and their offspring. I think the critical question is WHEN the fear system develops in a child, if it does. I think that in many sociopaths, the fear system develops too late to impact their development in a positive way. So if a child develops fears after he/she has already developed a pattern of dominant, impulsive behavior, those fears do little to positively impact his personality development. Instead these fears lead a child to become even more aggressive in self defense.
Also realize that if a child’s fear system, which is supposed to develop by 2, doesn’t develop until 4 or 5, he/she is left without the tools to manage the fears. Children are supposed to use their loving relationships to cope with their fears. The at-risk child, at 5 already has a poor relationship with his/her caregivers because of the impulsive behavior. Who is the child supposed to turn to when afraid? The only thing that child can do is to focus on having interpersonal power. If he/she is powerful then he/she can’t be hurt. I encourage you to go and observe this for yourself this summer. Go to a local playground and observe the kids. You will see the dominant ones using fantasies of power to cope with their fears.
So as I have said before, sociopaths do not have the gift of fear. The way fear works in their lives never helps to keep them safe. Their experience of fear is aberrant; they suffer with it but that suffering does them no good. For sociopaths fear and anxiety are not connected to avoidance of stuff that gets them in trouble. For them fear and anxiety are connected to the opposite, fantasies of interpersonal power. Feeling anxious only makes them aggress more on others.
I am interested to hear your accounts of phobias, fears and anxiety in the sociopath you were involved with. Also if you have at-risk children please feel free to comment on how hard it is to parent them. This is one area where the observations of family members can contribute to our understanding of both sociopathy and how it develops.
For tools to help your at-risk child develop empathy and emotional intelligence visit The Parent’s Store.
Inthebreach,
Wow…those are horrible, terrifying, foul, evil experiences you expressed. True, how sickening!
I am so very sorry for you and your situation with your beautiful son.
Are you still in contact with your P husband?
Inthebreach57 – what a nasty man – stimulating hatred in a child, using him as a surrogate, the innocent to playact pain – what a disgrace.
Inthebreach57. Sometimes, people who have suffered abuse and evil as children go on to change the world, because of the evil they suffered. They go onto to challenge the evil and they have the experience to do it.
Dear Janesmith and Beverly,
What I wrote in my post is only a fraction of what has happened and he is continuing to try to sift my son. We are at about 18 months into this divorce and nothing has been settled except I am greatful that the judge may be seeing some disturbing patterns and has given my son the right to say no to visitation with my husband. This is a major victory for my son being given the opportunity to say no to this man. It is driving the P to a frenzy of frustration to lose that power and control over my son and I. My son turned him down again today and the P texted a picture of the cat my son rescued last Christmas and he is keeping at his apartment. My son worries about this animal because it was very sweet when we found it and kept it for a week. Just loved my boy. A couple months ago was the last time the P had my son at his apartment and when my son bent down to pet the kitty it attacked him, leaving scratch marks on his face and scalp. My son was heart broken and asked if I thought the P was being mean to his cat. Very insightful for a 9 year old but I suspect also a typical assumption based upon his own experiences with the P. I told my son that yes I believe he has treated the cat badly and my son said that when he spent time with P in the past he would knock the cat off him if it jumped in his lap to be petted. Maybe the cat is becoming feral from neglect and rejection or maybe he tortures and teases it to make it mean. Who can know but the cat doesn’t behave the same. I have two dogs. One would be ok with the cat, the other would not, so I have a dilemma on how to get the cat from him so my son doesn’t suffer and worry over it. Texting the picture of the cat to my son could mean any number of things from a threat to the well being of the cat to simply a lure to get my son to go with him.
The P refuses to have dialogue with me. He only calls my son on his cell phone or texts him. The judge also ordered he communicate with me any plans made with my son and he is to keep his and my sons cell phone on at all times (which he has steadfastly and consistantly refused to do). He immediately turns both cells off when alone with my son and shows up hours later with him than he is supposed to. It always makes me frantic. He is an attorney and has shown me time and again that he is not going to play by any rules but his own, above the law, beyond the law, what have you.
His demeanor is quite odd in that he walks around a bit hunched over as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. He wears a beard and mustache and in the 14 years we have been married he would never shave. I never saw him clean shaven, though I asked many times if he would. He really has a very harmless, fragile, Marvin Milqtoast look about him but the public has not heard that screeching, earpiercing scream. Nor have they seen the thousand mile stare and demonic grin that stops you dead in your tracks and gives you a feeling of dizziness and disorientation while the hair stands up on the back of your neck..you know something really evil is coming your way or he has already done something and you are waiting for the backlash to come. I cannot second guess the P or ever try to predict his next move in order to dodge or prepare. I cannot wrap my mind around it and am always shocked and stunned at the things he does. My brother committed suicide 4 years ago. He called my home several days earlier asking me to send him money to go buy heroin. We talked a long time and he promised to speak to his Dr. about medication and go speak to the priest also. Then he called my home and I was at the grocery store. The P took the call and told me later my brother was fine, they had a nice long talk and he told my brother he loved him. I accused him of lying because he hated my brother calling and he certainly isn’t one to tell ANYONE he loves them and especially my brother. Within 24 hours the police were knocking on my door telling me Brian had died from a heroin overdose. The P knew Brian had asked me to send him money several days earlier and I said I would not do that. I will go to my own grave wondering how my brother got the money, if the P wired it to him. My knees buckled and I fell to the ground when the officer told me my brother was dead. I was sobbing, trying to catch my breath. The P was standing several feet away from me and looking at me blankly. No expression, just observing my pain and then calmly went back to his bedroom and crawled back into bed. The next morning he commented on how well he had slept and how refreshed he felt before he walked out the door for work. I was so enraged and outraged that I wished it had been him that died.
After 14 years of marriage I am just getting to know my sister inlaw (his deceased brothers wife). I was not allowed to get to know her and his mother and he made it clear that she was persona non grata. One month before the P and I were married HIS brother also committed suicide. I was warned that the brothers wife was crazy and this is why his brother killed himself. Well, we have been talking the past 18 months and she is anything but crazy. I have learned much about my P and his history from age 7 up. She and the P’s brother grew up together, therefore she knows my P’s life story. The P was also the last person to talk to his depressed brother who was having financial problems and hurting from the damage and separation the P had caused between his parents and brother 10 years earlier. The P’s mother was also instrumental in keeping the family rift going and the P fed it. This P has a trail of bodies behind him. I want to know what he said to his brother and mine to push them over the edge in their depression. I spent 7 years in depression and he talked to me about suicide often. As depressed as I was I was not about to check out and leave my son and two grown daughters behind. He miscalculated with me because I rallied up out of bed and boy was I pissed when I started connecting the dots. I invited him to leave in January 2007 after my son told me he had locked him in the trunk of his car 5 times. He terrorized my little boy. Now, I want to terrorize him. He is very fearful of his own hide and his personal comfort level. He is fearful of insanity because he accuses so many people of being crazy. I have been studying him like he studied me. Whatever level of discomfort I can send his way will never compare to the damage he has done to my loved ones and myself..and his original family. You can never win with a P but I believe if you dig in and oppose them on every level eventually they will tire and move on to the next prey (God help them). At least I am hoping for this.
My last part of this post will probably shock some people but I have to ask this question. Does ANYONE out there know if there is any information on basic profile of the behaviors of men involved with NAMBLA and how they recruit little boys? I would much like to compare his behaviors towards my little boy and my son believes he did something to him a couple days before his 9th birthday. He has vague memories of him feeding him funny tasting chocolate milk and he couldn’t keep his eyes opened after that and fell into a deep sleep. Said he woke up in the P’s bed and was very sick. He said the P was standing beside the bed when he woke up and he vomitted. The P began screaming at him, “how dare you puke”. He later said he wasn’t sure if it was P standing at the foot of the bed at first or someone else, but definitely knew the P was beside the bed when he was groggy and puked. My son said he didn’t feel like a little boy anymore..very disturbing! The P dumped him off at my house at 6:00am. Furious that jake was sick. My son would not speak to me for two days or look me in the eye. He took 5 baths the first day and 3 the next. Getting my son to take a bath is a chore so I found his behavior very upsetting. Calling DCFS was not an option because P as an attorney was guardian ad litum for several years and had long ago informed me he has the power people in his pocket and they would just give my son to him if I filed a complaint. He also threatened to blame my brother if any accusations were made because my brother was here visiting. The P came within an inch of losing his life when I told my brother this. Diffusing that was not easy and a P isn’t worth losing your freedom and salvation over. So, here is a fraction of what is going on in our lives. 18 months into this divorce and no end in sight yet. Would someone pray out there for all of us here. I know I will.
Inthebreach57. OMG, What a story. I am feeling very wary of your ex husband P and what potentially he is doing to your son – it sounds like he is acting out and making your son pay for his OWN pain and abuse and of course, we never really know what they are thinking and how they let themselves off the hook in their own heads for their behaviour. I am going to have to read your post again and I will definately pray for you and your son for a painless release from this P.
Dear Inthebreach57. I read your detailed post and it contains so many clues. You do not say whether your grown up daughters are with him, or another partner, but I assume they are not living at home. I think from what you have said it sounds as though your son was locked in the trunk, because he was taken somewhere, so that your son couldnt see where he was being taken – I fear that your son was abused physically, not just then, but the time he was fed a drugged drink. When you talked about the text picture of the cat, it reminded me of a story here in the UK of a child molestor who was driving in a van with a little puppy that he had broken its legs and he stopped and said to a child, I am wanting to take this puppy to the vet, would you get in the van and hold the puppy whilst I drive to the vet. The P is clearly using the text pictures to try and lure your son back in. Because of the situation your brother was in, I believe the P exploited that situation to his sardonic satisfaction. Sickening and the rage and hurt you must be feeling – well I cant imagine.
In view of what you have said, I would make steps legally or otherwise to ensure that the P has no contact with your son by cell phone or any other way. The P sounds like a sick evil man. I will pray for you and your son.
Dear Inthebreach57. My exN had a beautiful cat he had from a kitten. When I first saw the cat, he was a beautiful teenage tabby, with beautiful markings and when the N was at my place, the cat would walk over to mine and wander into my home and nestle on my long fluffy carpet upstairs – he was happy and I was happy because I wanted to give them both a home. But when I watched his interaction with the cat, although it was fed regularly, it looked very insecure and submissive – which was very sad for me, because it appears that he had mentally beat the cat into submission against the nature of a fine young male cat. In his presence, he would scoop up the cat and pet it, but I could see that the cat was annoyed and couldnt wait to get away. I watched the cat alot and it looked frightened of him, but tied to him somehow. It would also lay on its back alot and expose its belly to him, and other behaviours in a submissive pose, and the N would get satisfaction that he was master over the cat. Its sickening how they want to use and control animals for their own ego satisfaction.
Beverly and JaneSmith,
To clear up the question of my two daughters, they are 23 and 29 years old. The oldest, whom the p helped her pay for a divorce from her husband in January, has been living with her new boyfriend since about a month after she left her husband. I am a bit suspicious of her timeline with the new man who just happened to be the captain of the swat team her ex is in. Of course they knew one another and I was told by my daughter the new boyfriends ex wife was very upset to find my girl was seeing her ex husband because she considered Jill her friend. The new boyfriend had only been divorced 5(?) months when my daughter moved in with him. She didn’t spend a full month here when she left her husband- at least wasn’t sleeping here every night, then she was living with him. My daughter began saying terrible things about her boyfriends ex and is from what I can tell quite jealous of this womans children. I believe he was caring and loving towards his ex’s children and before he divorced his wife they had a baby but it only lived a few hours. Often when people lose a child they end up divorcing but I did hear their divorce was not acrimonious and they remained friends…until my daughter came into the picture. I don’t understand her animosity towards this woman and her children. I am guessing most of the men and women on this site would agree that whether it be stepchildren, grandchildren, adopted or what have you; the more children there is to love, the merrier! So, that is my 29 year old. My 23 year old lives about 4 miles from me and knows exactly who my p is. They hate one another and she has witnessed him in action many times, but she badly wants her big sisters approval and to be included in her circle. She had the choice between her little brother and joining forces with big sister who constantly gets her palms greased with money from my p. I have a feeling that the p may have signed for my younger daughter to get a car…that is the rumor. She has bad credit and her car was about to die on her. It is a shame to see what is happening with my children and it feels like all out demonic attack. I am having a hard time accepting what my daughters are doing for $. If I had to guess an ultimate goal in the p using my daughters it would be to bring them into court during the custody battle. As I said in a different thread the therapist who did my son, the p’s and my psych exam made it clear that these two girls don’t count in this custody case. That is comforting but I wasn’t worried anyway because my attorney, family, friends and the p’s family would, sadly leave these girls sorry they accepted money from the p to testify on his behalf against their little brother.
Girls, it’s going to be a long, long time before or if these girls will be invited back in our lives. Even then I will never feel the same or look at them the same again. It will probably give the p many years of pleasure pondering the damage he has done with my children but a bit of foresight occurred to me recently. These girls won’t stay in the p’s life and he will have no real use for them after this divorce and custody are settled, so they will all collectively drop one another like a dirty towel soon enough. Moving past the hurt from my girls I am entering a stage of anger. You see, the p has no children, is ghoulishly waiting for his 98 year old mother to die to inherit a couple hundred thousand dollars which he will promptly gamble away. He just turned 59 and staring at senior citizen status, has diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol and prostate problems. Somehow I just don’t see my daughters or anyone caretaking him if he gets sick or too old to care for himself. Afterall, if they could sell their own brother and mother out for a few bucks they won’t be rallying around him when he becomes a burden. Seems only logical to me if that is to be their base nature.
On the subject of the kitty. We are asking for him in the divorce as this is my sons pet that he rescued. We will find a way and place for kitty in our home.
The forensic therapist is working on issues with my son about his stepfather. She too believes he was drugging him so he couldn’t tell on him. He is too much of a coward to do something identifiably nefarious. My son isn’t nearly as intimidated by him as he used to be because he doesn’t have to see him if he doesn’t want to. I see improvements but we still have a long road to recovery and damage control.
Thank you for the prayers for Jacob and I. I can really feel the difference. I am feeling stronger, starting to laugh a little at silly things someone might say and Jake is sarting to feel happier and more secure too. I know we will have days that are setbacks but they are getting less. Also, thank you for loving support and empathy and we are sending out prayers to all of the people here too. God will out.
Dear Inthebreach,
My dear I am praying continually for you and your Jacob. You sound like a gutsy and strong woman with a burden that would stagger a camel, hiding behind a sand dune, with “bad guys” on all sides shooting at you and yet, you remain strong! Good for you. Protecting your son and yourself should be, as it is, your prime objective. I know it is disappointing to have your daughters not be there for you and their little brother, but let me give you a bit of home.
My youngest son is a Psychopath. My oldest son C “sided” with him in the attack on me last year (not knowing that the purpose of the attack was to have me murdered for an inheritence) because my son C has always sought his brother’s approval, and also because C didn’t understand what a psychopath really was, or that his brother was truly a psychopath. My whole family, except for my adopted son D was against me, thinking me crazy for “plotting” against the P-son and for cutting him out of my estate.
Fortunately, due to a long list of circumstances that there is no need to go into, I intuited the plot and literally ran for my life, leaving behind all my family except son D. About two months after I fled, the plot blew up when I was “missing” and it coudln’t be completed with my death “by suicide.”
My son C’s wife and her BF-P, who was a friend of my P-sons who is in prison for murder, and had been sent into our family like a Trojan Horse were arrested after an attempt on my son C’s life. Believe me, son C NOW GETS IT, and has totally realized how he was also conned. That mom is NOT crazy or a paranoid nut cake, and that his P-brother is a monster.
Your daughters may yet come around. Right now they are being conned as well, and lured with visions of “fantasy” happiness. My son C was lured with the fantasy of approval from his brother and from his grandmother (my mother). He was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. His love for me, which I know is real, his confusion and his love for his wife, his grandmother and his brother. If he had believed me and disbelieved them, he would have had to cast off his entire family except me and his adopted brother D and at the time, he couldn’t bring himself to do that, it was too painful, and at that tiem there was no CONCRETE evidence.
I guess, what I am saying is that possibly your daughters will come round to see the truth. I know it hurts that they don’t right now, and it hurt me deeply when son C didn’t believe me, it hurt horribly when my mother didn’t believe me. But it immediately healed the wound when son C put his arms around me and cried, weeping from the bottom of his soul, “Mom, I am so sorry I didn’t believe you, please forgive me.” I can tell you, that was the most sincere apology I have ever received and I instantly and completely forgave my son, and welcomed him back into my life. Just as the father of the prodigal son was over joyed to see his son return home, repentent and much wiser. If I’d have had a “fatted calf” I would surely have killed it.
I am glad that your son is given the option to not see the P. And I agree with you (as a medical professional with some experience in child molestation) I think your suspicions may be right on. I am glad that your son is seeing a good therapist and can help him work through this.
As for the cat, I hope you can get it before he kills it or worse.
Dr. Anna Salter, Ph.D is THE expert on child molestation. She has several books published. I have a copy of one of them, but can’t locate it at the moment, but I am sure you can google her name and find her works. I would recommend that you get her books and then possibly contact her.
Prayers for your and Jacob’s safety and healing, and for justice. (((hugs))))
Good night nurse, Inthebreach!
That is a most horrific nightmare landscape you are living in. But as Oxy so eloquently stated, you are more powerful and immensely stronger than the psycho.
Please don’t be offended by this statement because it has no direct reflection upon you whatsoever, but what a piece of filth he is! Your posts have really pissed me off for you and your precious son’s dire situation.
Yeah, psychos are sneaky, dirty, lying, malevolent forces for evil and it seems that you unfortunately have encountered one of the sicker, twisted ones.
Do what you gotta do to get away from him. You’re an extremely intelligent, clever, capable woman and I have no doubts you will prevail against such insidious evil as this creature has inflicted upon you and your family.
Stay in touch with LF informing us of new developments in this sordid saga that your loving and precious soul must endure for a limited period of time.
God bless, peace and love….