Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call Martha.
I have a 33-year old adult stepson who I believe is sociopathic — he fits all the criteria. He has been a problem to the family ever since his mother threw him out to our house at the age of 13. By that time he was so oppositional there was no dealing with him in any reasonable way. We went through all the “standard” teenage issues with him — petty crime, running away, repeating years in school, counseling, adolescent psych facility, military school till we ran out of money, etc.
What is different about our situation from everything I read is that my husband has stood by him for so many years, giving him money, cosigning on loans, all to no avail of course. My husband thinks he is being a good Christian parent and that he is the only one who is forgiving enough — the rest of us are at fault for not being forgiving enough. We can have no reasonable discussion about his son, as he does not like to hear anything negative about him. We can have no reasonable discussion with his son, as he never takes responsibility for any of his actions — everything is our fault for not doing enough for him — all the standard excuses that sociopaths give.
My unique issue is that I feel a lot of guilt about it. I know he was 11 when we married, so I could not have had any part of early childhood upbringing. He showed some of the signs you talk about when he was 11, but he did not appear to me to be a red flag issue at that time. I was never able to bond with him, but his being sociopathic explains that to me in retrospect.
What I would like to hear about is how other parental figures deal with these feelings. My own husband acts like he feels guilty, but will not admit it. His ex-wife is emotionally fragile and has to stay on meds to keep from having a breakdown and being hospitalized again. My stepson is probably ADD also, but neither of them wanted him “labeled” as a child, so they rejected any sort of meds or treatment for him back then. I guess my moral compass says that parents should not inflict this type of child on society and must do everything possible to assure they raise their children right. I know it bugs me that neither my husband nor his ex ever seemed to do a whole lot to correct their son or guide him even today. I also know that a stepparent really has no ability to alter the situation either. I just feel that it is so wrong to have this situation and have all the family members taking this approach that it is not their issue or problem, and the guilt sponge in me feels that I cannot be allowed to sink to their level with them.
I feel guilty for being part of the whole situation and not being able to make it any better. I feel guilty for being part of unleashing my stepson on society where he preys on people and does not carry his weight. Every time I read one of those articles where people want to start prosecuting the parents when someone like my stepson commits a crime, I just cringe in fear. I feel like as long as my stepson is acting the way he does, someone must be doing penance for the sins. And it scares me that I feel that he will never change but we are responsible to get him to change since we somehow failed to properly mold him in the first place.
So why am I the guilt sponge? Why do I want everyone else to wallow in guilt like me? Are there other family figures in similar situations who feel all the guilt that no one else in the situation seems to feel? I know this is unrealistic guilt, too. I know I was raised to be a guilt sponge, so part of it is just me. Sometimes I think I have all the guilt genes these sociopaths never got!
Martha is not to blame
The reality of the situation is that Martha is not to blame for her stepson being a sociopath. This personality disorder is highly genetic. Martha is not the biological parent, so she had nothing to do with his genetics.
As Dr. Liane Leedom explains, children born with the genetic traits that may lead to sociopathy exhibit signs such as aloofness and fearlessness. This is because they have a diminished capacity to form bonds with people, including their parents. Parents need to work extra hard in order to teach these children how to love. For the best chance of success, parents must do this from the time the children are very young.
But this is new information—Dr. Leedom’s book, Just Like His Father? was published in 2006, and it is the only book that addresses how to parent children with genetic links to antisocial behavior. The information was simply not available when Martha’s stepson was growing up.
Plus, these children are, in fact, difficult. It takes a lot of emotional strength to teach them to be loving, day in and day out. Martha says that her stepson’s mother is emotionally fragile, so she did not have that strength.
The stepson came to Martha’s home when he was 13—probably in the midst of puberty. In many cases, the hormonal changes of puberty cause sociopathic traits to really become prominent. Martha and her husband did everything they could, such as counseling and military school. It didn’t work.
The sad truth is that sometimes the genetics of sociopathy are so strong that all the best efforts of parents to guide their children fail. Martha’s stepson may be one of those cases.
How to deal with the stepson
So now what? Martha’s stepson is 33 years old. He is an adult. The issue becomes, how does Martha and the rest of the family deal with him?
The first thing, I believe, is to be clear on what this disorder is about. If the stepson is a sociopath, he will probably be manipulative until the day he dies. He will lie, cheat, sponge off of others, perhaps commit crimes. This is what he is; this is what he does. No one in the family should have any illusions that he will change.
So then, what do they do? I’d say it depends on what the stepson does—Martha provided no information on that point.
If the stepson is a criminal, I think they should let him face the consequences of his actions by, for example, not bailing him out of jail.
If the stepson tries to defraud women, I think they should warn any woman that he snags. I’ve heard of many cases in which the families of sociopathic men were happy to let some poor, unsuspecting woman take the parasite off their hands. This, to me, is unconscionable.
If the stepson is abusive to Martha, she should implement a policy of no contact, even if her husband will not go along with it.
Martha mentioned feeling guilty about unleashing the sociopath on society. The family may or may not be able to do something about this. I know of one case in which a family made sure the sociopath was taken care of—set him up with a place to live, food, etc.—just so he wouldn’t have to steal and manipulate for a living. This might work for a parasitic type of sociopath. But, as Steve Becker writes, many sociopaths act out to relieve their boredom, so it might make it easier for him to cause other kinds of trouble.
Finding peace for herself
There is only one person we can ever truly change or influence, and that’s ourselves. Martha is in an impossible situation, and to me the only thing she can do is try to find peace for herself.
Martha needs to let go of the guilt. She did not cause her stepson to be a sociopath. She did her best to guide him in the right direction. It didn’t work.
Having a sociopathic stepson probably feels like a loss or a failure, and Martha may need to grieve this. Although there may be little Martha can do about the sociopath, she can do something about her emotions. She needs to let go of blaming herself, let go of wishing things were different, and accept what is.
Remember the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Thanks Mai and Kathleen.
I stay grounded because I have been surrounded by them all my life. It’s easy to let go “pure evil”. That is exactly what they are: heartless, wreckless, venemous–true representation of evil.
Children at her school appear to be about 98% sociopaths. It’s like a bunch of robots walking around with those scary ass eyes. I keep thinking that one of them will lead a revolt and they all turn into bats and terrorize the county. There is one girl at her school that is 6 and decided to drop her newborn baby brother in the pool and drowned him because her mother pissed her off. Seriously, it’s like a school full of monstors and they really should call it “Vampire High”.
All I can do is stay on top of it. For parents out there struggling, stay on top of your school district, express safety concerns and utilize EVERY resource there is. Whenever they do anything wrong, call mental health, call the police, call the school district, call social services and keep it all documented.
Well, I am scheduled to meet her at the school at 5:30 p.m. today to tell her that she is not coming home. She won’t know that she is going until we get there, just in case she decides to burn the house down before we go. Wish me luck.
Love to all of you.
tdpprocessing,
I wish you well. I hope it all happens relatively smoothly, and you come home to a blessedly peaceful house.
Kathy
Martha,
I feel your pain. I too have a stepson about the same age as yours. I have been married to my husband for 25 yrs. He is a wonderful caring man. We have 4 other children together.
My stepson also meets the criteria of a sociopath. On top of that he has a bad drinking problem, he smokes pot alot and takes perscriptions for anxiety and anti-depressant medication. It started getting bad about 10 years age. He has no ambition and no problem taking money from anyone. He has no self respect. I keep waiting for him to grow up, he can’t hold down a job. He also has been married twice and many other relationships. He lives in his own house but my husband has been helping with finances for years. I have had it with this situation.
My younger children all act so much more mature than their older brother. They
all feel a little sorry for him because he doe’s not have a good relationship this his mother. I think he is very manipulating and self -centered he takes and takes and never gives back. He tells people what they want to hear.
My husband recently suffered a stroke, he also has a heart problem. My stepson came to him for thousands of dollars because he was way behind on his bills. My husband gave him the money because he was afaid he would lose his house.
I was very angry with both of them and told them so. My husband can’t have alot of stress right now so I have backed off him (for now). He is the type that would give you the shirt off his back. I think he is always afaid his son will commit suicide if he gets to depressed so he enables him.
My stepson has never cared much about his younger siblings until recently. They are older now and have situations or things he wants. Now he wants more of a relationship with them. I know it is so he can take advantage of them becaus I have watched him manipulate for years. When I get upset or bring it to my husband attention he tells me I dont love my stepson the same as I do my own children.
All the children are raised and out of the house and living productive lifes except my stepson. He is regressing, it is soo frustrating. He says he wants to change but I know he likes being the party animal all the time. He doe’s not want to grow up and be responsible.
My husband and I never fight except over this issue.
I am going to help my husband through his recovery. I do love him dearly. I don’t know if my marriage can withstand more than 1 more year of enabling.
tdp- I have thought about you often since I first read your story. I haven’t any advice, just want to send wishes of strength and peace to you.
Thank you once again Kathleen and now Glinda.
Well, I just got back, it’s 9:10 p.m. PST. I asked her to clean her room and to pack some items and she agreed and asked if we were going to her dad’s house the P. I told her no and told her to just do what I asked. She came downstairs to my home/office and said she was ready, so I asked if her room was clean and she said “yes.” So, I left with her and called my ex-husband and told him I would be late for the custody exchange to get my toddler back from him.
On the ride over, I told her that she was going to her school to live and that it is for the best because of all that she has done and that it is my hope that she tries to “blend” better like normal human beings or just get the help that she needs.
I sat in the lobby with the social worker and we filled out the emergency placement forms, which was ordered by her shrink. During the time I filled them out, there was some verbiage that I didn’t understand, something like I granted them “custody” while awaiting her IEP for them to step in and take over and pay. I crossed out the verbiage and wrote in that I do not allow them to take “custody”; however I allow placement because of safety. At first there was a struggle, but then the social worker agreed and was fine with it.
All of the staff gaver he welcomes and began joking and playing with her in the lobby (they all know her and like her). I heard one staff member say over the walkie-talkie before the other staff members came up, “She is FINALLY here to stay.” He was in the other room and didn’t think I heard it. That alone was tremendous for me, I mean emotionally it really was. Her goodbye words were, “Bring me treats when you come to visit. Now, at least I won’t have to sit next to so-and-so on the school bus anymore…..bye mom!”
I cried as I spoke to the social worker alone when we finalized everything and I got my copies of the paperwork. I briefed her on the entire nightmare and told her about her P father. I told them to make no mistake, if they didn’t do something, she was going to go with her father. She then asked, just like Mrs. Save The World Shrink, “Why would you place her with a bad man, we would have to step in.” My response, “It’s not against the law to be a Sociopath. He has no criminal record and I have NEVER EVER been able to prove all the hell, lies and games he put me through. So, it will be laughable for you in court that because the district got into a pissing match with this facility claim that he is not fit because he has no soul, it’s not against the law.” I further went on to tell them that he lives in a separate county, so if they backed me to a wall, I would simply drive her there, pack up her belongings and drive 90 miles per hour away and let them try to get the other county involved and satisfy her clueless shrink. Towards the end, she began to sympathize with me and I burst into tears. I told her that this is nothing I wanted EVER for my child. This is the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life.
When I got to the parking lot, I began to cry uncontrolably and so I called my shrink and she said that she was proud of me and new that it would hurt, knew that I love my daughter and said that I was very brave. Then she made me laugh so hard saying, “Yeah Mrs. Save the World, upper middle classed, liberal was horrified at the thought of her walking the streets with her probable pimp father. It’s sad you had to go to such an extreme to get her to where she needs to be.” Yes, he, her P father was on a couple of conference calls with the school and yelled obscenities to the top of his lungs about how there is nothing wrong with her and that they were a bunch of idiots and how he didn’t want her on meds.
Before I began this blog, I went up to her room, she once again lied to my face, not caring like she usually does that I will possibly check it and then the usual 3 hour shouting match pursues while she kicks on the walls saying, “It’s clean” or run out of the house screaming to the top of her lungs, “Don’t kill me, my mommy is trying to kill me” and then the police come. It’s a complete disaster. For several months now, I only allowed her to have a pillow and blanket in her room and no clothes so she wouldn’t sneak out of the house and by the end of each week, she has stolen everything back out of my room and the garage and it’s only Thursday and all of her belongings are piled in her room, shredded paper is everywhere and the stench of urine is quite evident. It’s a ritual, every Friday we shampoo her carpet and take back everything from her room and then she stores urine in the interim and collects trash to destroy her room again. I plan on cleaning it for good this weekend and remove the writing on her walls that read, “I hate you mom,” “You b*tch” and my favorite, “You suck.” All in black sharpie format, so it can’t be washed.
So, I am now going to join my toddler upstairs and finally have a good night sleep for the first time in a long time and I don’t have to put a chair in front of my door! But alas, it is still painful, but at the same time a relief.
By the way, the evening social worker called me last minute, the exchange wasn’t supposed to take place until tomorrow, but they were in fear they would lose a bed. So, thank goodness her shrink is clueless. That’s all for now, off to bed!
TDPPROCESSING:
I’m glad for your peace tonight. I imagine this was wrestled with over and over and over…….
Certainly not a decision taken lightly. I commend you for not ‘keeping the secret’ and not being ‘bullied’ by the folks your daughter has bamboozled.
I pray that your daughter can get the help she so needs, and maybe one day she can integrate back into ‘society’ and her family in a more healthy way for all of you.
You sought help, you didn’t take the ‘abuse’ from the pros and you knew what your daughter needs. I commend you again and again.
Your in my thoughts and I send you mojo strength to see the way ahead.
I bid you peace my friend.
XXOO
tdpprocessing.
I just read your post, and feel grief-stricken, relieved, wishing I could wrap you up in a blanket and feed you cocoa, show up to help you clean and paint the room. You write so well. It’s like living through it with you.
A story like yours makes me wonder what any of this about. Why some of us have so much to deal with. What it forces us to face, and what we find in ourselves to survive. Because that is what so much of this is about, pure survival for us and our kids. Or the ones we can save, when we have that power, which we sometimes don’t.
I am sorry that you’ve had to go through this. I can’t imagine what it was like, but you expressed it very clearly. And it made me cry.
But I’m glad it all happened with no one being hurt, and that the staff like her there. The comment on the walkie talkie was a grace note. And that she, apparently, walked away without looking back. And that you were able to say the right things for them to take the situation and you seriously.
Your strength through all of this, your focus on what needs to be done, has been superhuman. I hope you include some decompression in your ideas of how it is going to be now. You’ve been holding the world on your shoulders. I’m glad you have a therapist, and she sounds like a real friend to you.
You are brave. And not just brave for a moment, but brave over a long time. Not least because, while it must have sometimes seemed like every thing in your life was conspiring to make you a victim, you decided not to be. To make your life something else.
Namaste. I salute your will, your good sense, and your ability to see and learn.
Whatever strings still tie you, I hope this is the beginning of something truly better for you.
Kathy
Thank you Kathy and Erin.
I slept in today. Held my baby close to me, bathed him and got him ready for an early, unscheduled visitation with his father.
Kathy, it was in fact like a final sociopath “F U” when she walked away without even saying that she loved me and I am sure she could see right through my soul, as she is a pro in reading body language and emotions, so she did know that she hurt me, but she really didn’t care. As I watched her walk off, she was playing with the staff members little tug of war with her bag and just happy, but perhaps not, I think it’s the fact that she knew she hurt me.
Well, I am off to see my boyfriend for a day at the beach. He doesn’t know “her” but knows of her, as there was no way I would expose him to my situation.
Happy 4th everyone. May God bless and keep you all. Thank you for the kind words. I will update you on the visit I am having with her on Sunday and see how grateful she is for the “treats” I give her that she asked for when she walked away from me.
TDP
tdprocessing:
Your comment on your parting from your daughter made me think of a comment so many on this site have made — that once an S has decided you are of no further use to him, he walks away without so much as a backward glance at you.
I am in no position to address the parent-child bond. There is a part of me that wonders what your daughter would do if you didn’t bring her the “treats” you promised her. I suspect that if you didn’t produce those treats in short order she would decide that you were of no use to her on a going-forward basis.
Have you ever read the book “The Bad Seed”? It is a fiction book about the mother of a young girl who is a sociopath. While most people on the first read think it is the story of a sociopathic child who becomes a murderer, it is really the story of the mother.