Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call, “Lisa20.” Names are changed.
What happens in Vegas really should stay in Vegas. Unfortunately I didn’t take this advice.
I was taken to Las Vegas almost exactly one year from the day that my husband died suddenly in a ski accident and left me a widow with two young children. The trip was my “New Years”. I made March 1 my new year, the date I was going to make an effort to stop living in the past and move forward emotionally and personally.
The man who called himself Alain literally walked into my life while I was sitting in a lounge with my two girlfriends. I didn’t see him but he saw me, came up to me and asked if he could join us. I said yes. It was my New Years eve after all, a bit of male attention on the night before my New Years was going to begin was just what I wanted.
He was attentive, attractive, fit, generous, courteous. I couldn’t believe my luck. We danced, we had a drink, we talked. He told me a story of death (of his son- in Afghanistan- a lie), I told him of my story of my husbands death.
He said he worked for the US Department of Defense – more specifically, INTERPOL (a lie). He said his birthday was August 5 (a lie) so was mine! As the night came to an end, he walked me to the elevator, gave me the tiniest of a kiss and asked if he could see me again the next day. I said, yes!
Up in the room, I told my girlfriends what I had learned about him. Of course we checked social media to find out more about him; nothing, his name did not come up anywhere. (First red flag, I ignored it).
The next afternoon, we met at our prearranged meeting spot, he kissed me, took my hand and off we went. I felt like I was part of a couple for the first time in over a year. We shopped, we talked, we had lunch. We went back to the hotel, he invited me up to his room, I said yes but that I wouldn’t have sex with him. We had sex.
For the next day or two, we met in the mornings, spent the day together and part of each evening.
I was the first to leave. As I was getting ready to head to the airport he suggested that we keep in touch. I absolutely agreed. On the flight home, I told myself that if bad things could happen in a moment ( my husband dying on a ski run) why couldn’t good things? Why couldn’t a really nice, handsome, kind man walk into my life out of nowhere and want to be with me?
Because if it’s too good to be true; it isn’t true.
From that day on we were in a long distance relationship; there were lengthy telephone calls, hopeful conversations of being together, how lucky we were to have found each other.
We would meet in Calgary, in California, in Vegas again, but NEVER in Texas. (Red flag # 2). And he was always in control. He called me. He didn’t answer his phone if I did call him. He would make plans to come see me and then cancel. There were never invitations to come see him at his home.
There were excuses; he worked for INTERPOL his work was secretive, I couldn’t tell anyone who he worked for, he would be out of the country for weeks at a time and unavailable, he would connect with me when he could. And I believed it all.
During this time I was also settling my husband’s estate. We talked about finances, we had a conference call with my financial advisor, he had some great advice for me – diversify. My husband had been in the oil and gas business, the vast majority of his investments were oil and gas related. Why don’t we invest in something new together?
What a great idea, this is what couples do. Did he have a suggestion? Of course he did, jewelry. He sent me a photo of a parcel of jewelry that he would buy from a wholesaler, I would pay for half, he would pay for the other half, we would wait a few months for it to increase in value, he would sell it privately and we would split the profit.
I sent him $35,000US. Then came another great opportunity, another $35,000US. Then his mother’s death ( a lie) a loan of $9,000 just to help him with the immediate costs of burying his mother, followed by another $9,000US loan. Altogether, in the course of one year, I sent him almost $250,000 US.
In return, I got two diamond rings! One was just because he loved me, the other was an engagement ring; he wanted to marry me. He got down on one knee and presented me with the ring. I was going to get remarried and my kids and I were going to move to Texas to start new. My grief period was over!
But I never made it to Texas, when he phoned me just days before I was scheduled to leave to finally see where he lived and to meet his family and friends, because he had yet again been called away to work, (this was soon after the Brussels bombing- he would use international terror events to coincide with his work absences to make his line of work seem more legit) I demanded answers.
He never answered any of my questions; he simply disappeared. I sued him in civil court and won. I had the judgment enforced in Texas court. I have hired a court appointed investigator to track down him and his property in an effort to get any of my money back. The amount I get back is irrelevant, as long as he doesn’t have it. He picked the wrong woman to con.
Narcissistic abuse — how to spot it, what to do about it
Lisa- Good for you!!
When I hear stories like this I always think about my ex. He’s a corporate pilot – he was in and out of everywhere, but a lot of CA, Vegas, FL, and NJ. Handsome, quick, powerful, convincing. He has used many women besides myself and will continue to do so. I still carry a lot of guilt for not being able to stop him or warn women about him.
Don’t feel guilty. They have to learn themselves.
Geneva, I think it is normal to want to stop a sociopath from harming others once we find out who we were entangled with. I was the same. And, I have read so many posted saying they want to warn others. You are a good person, who has compassion & empathy for others.
When someone post that they want to warn the new victim here at love fraud, I always post that I think it is important to warn the new victims but, only if you are safe emotionally, mentally & physically from the sociopath. If you are not in good mental & emotional place…warning a new victim could be dangerous for your well being & also physically since sociopath do not like to be exposed. but there are many times that it is just not safe to warn the new victim. To which I just state that if that victim ever contacts them to unravel their nightmare, then talk to them.
When I was unraveling the trail of deception my ex husband had been living and learned from a counselor that I was married to a psychopath, I warned the 5 women (3 were defiantly having an affair with him & two I’m not sure of the relationship – that was shocking to find out he has that may woman in his grips while married to me) in two different stated. One knew me & knew we were married, two had no idea he was married. I sent letters to three, email to one & called one. I keep all emotions out of the letter/email/phone call. I simply wanted to warn all of them. At that point I had already filed for divorce & was in a safe place, although just still very raw from the nightmare.
One dumped him, one did not seem to grasp the situation or care and one was to far down his brain washing mind control hole that she lashed out at me. I did not take i personally, I planted the seeds in her mind for when she was ready to see who he really was & what he was capable of.
If I did not warn them all it would have caused to much pain & guilt for me too especially if something happened to one of them (or all) by his hands. He was physically abusive at times with me, mainly when I was calling out his bs. Like your ex, my ex h travelled on business weekly, so no doubt there were many others victims of his that I did not know about & could not warn. At this point I would not get involved in finding out who his current victims are now. For my safety & sanity. I let others after me do what they can if they want to warn others.
As for you, it’s difficult for you to even know who he is conning when you broke up till now. So please do not feel guilty. Instead focus on your healing. And if you are online & read a post here at love fraud then just lift that person up & give them feed back so they can heal. That no doubt will help that person & it would help you relief some of your guilt. If one of his victims ever gets in touch with you & needs to understand the nightmare he inflicted on them…then talk with them it that if good with you.
The other thing you can do to relief “guilt’ is, if you see on the net someone that appears to be dating/married to a sociopath post something like “have you read the book Lovefraud or looked at the site…it might help you with this current situation you are in”. There are many ways to help others. So many helped me unravel my thoughts that I was dealing with after leaving my ex here at lovefraud & other support sites. SO for me I try to pay it forward helping others. Maybe that will help you to heal & understand the hell you endured.
Wishing you all the best with your healing process. take care.
You are very VERY lucky indeed! Glad you didn’t let him get away with it! You’ve got spunk and someone will come along worthy of you! You are aware now, which you might say what happened was a blessing in disguise!
I know you’re not going to want to hear this, but I hope you do listen and consider it.
First I’m really sorry this happened to you. My con artist husband took over 100,000 for me. Very similar story. They love to say they work for the government, very hush-hush because it’s not only secretive it’s impressive. Cons try to be the people they would like to be.
Have you checked to see if your diamond rings are actually real? Mine wasn’t.
First, you most likely are never going to get any of the money back. These people spend the money as quickly as they get it due to the addictions and courting the other woman. He was doing that while he was with you. They also have no money because they don’t work they just keep spending they have on lavish things.
Second, fighting to get him arrested for fraud is what I did but it will take so much out of you you may regret it. I do. It took a huge toll on my health and I never recovered. now I am permanently disabled. I am also very strong and the DA said that ”he took advantage of the wrong women” (his wife after me and I fought together).
I worked so hard, for two long years to get my ex in jail for fraud and the money he stole. I called the authorities practically every day. I hired a private detective because the police just won’t do that work. he got arrested, they let him go accidentally, worked harder to find him, conned him so he could get arrested because they hide out when they have arrest warrants, just by chance we got him before he flew out of the country but very easy to do.
In the end he was in jail for a bit but really not long enough for what he did and who he is and so they ended up releasing him to just repeat his patterns.
I don’t regret that he spent time in jail and we improved his criminal record, What I regret is the toll it took on my health. The amount of energy and emotional stress and anger you spend on getting your revenge and justice takes it’s toll on the body. After it was all over my body just fell apart. It’s like you’re working on adrenaline and then when that’s gone the reality sets in.
I won’t get bogged down in the details of my health but emotional stress does take its toll. I know we don’t want to except the reality that we won’t get our money back and they will never be in jail as long as they deserve, but PLEASE Think it over very seriously because I wouldn’t want someone else to end up in the same situation that many of us do, never recovering. I am also very very strong, but we are also human. If you can, channel that anger into something else.
Hugs
KK- What you say is very valid. Sometimes walking away is best. I hope you have a good support group. Al-Anon is a support group. They have online meetings.
SG
Lisa20 – thank you very much for sharing your story. I, too, worked to hold my ex accountable, hoping to recover what he stole from me (and other women). I did get a judgment, but I was not able to recover any money. But I did prove that he was guilty of fraud, which enabled me to expose him on the Internet and create Lovefraud. I think the battle was worth it.
Lisa20 — I am impressed and awed that you managed to track this guy down and hold him accountable. I hope you get your money back, but am afraid it is long gone. Or, worse, any money you DO get will be from another victim. Sadly, the legal system does not see these people for the predators they are – it’s often “catch and release”. and even the resultant rap sheet is moot since they change their identities so often.
KK – so sorry for your health breakdown, but good for you for pursuing your rights. You ARE strong. Sadly, we, the victims, too often have to weigh whether it is worth it or not to try to recover our money. I would dearly love to see my ex punished for what he did to me and the woman after me (and get our money back) – and eventually for the one he is with now who has yet to believe he is what we say. (Victim #2 and I tried to warn her and she brushed us off.)
When I tell my story I usually get the reaction “Why didn’t you sue him?” To me, that is a type of victim blaming. Why didn’t I go after him? I value my own sanity, inner peace and health more than money. I knew I would never be rid of him — his toxicity, his evil — unless I cut him 100% out of my life. I knew he would have exacted a malicious smear campaign if I had tried. I knew the money was gone. Until one has been involved with these evil, manipulative, revengeful types, they will never understand. End result is I am a little broker but so much happier and healthier.
But I DO love a good revenge tale!
An update- he has been arrested; not for what he did to me but what he did to his next victim. It’s a start and an end; hopefully no more victims for this conman.
lisa20 – great news!