Finding value in all things is an integral component of healing after an encounter with a sociopath. When I look for what is good in being freed from him, I create opportunities to be surprised by the unexpected. As Oscar Wilde wrote, “to expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect.”
Expecting the unexpected is not a license to let go of rational thinking. It means staying connected to intellect and allowing my intuition to guide me —- especially where people are concerned.
New encounters can lead to wonder…or not
When we first meet someone, we do not know who they truly are, just as they don’t know who we are. New people in our lives can be the best thing that ever happened to us -— or the worst. They can contribute joy, laughter, friendship, fun and shared experiences, or they can contribute pain and turmoil. When I met the sociopath, the intensity and velocity of his attentions were unexpected -— and not unwelcome. Wow, such a talented and successful man was interested in me? Cool!
And thus I fell. I took his unexpected, and sudden, attentions and turned them into the expectation that he would be true to his word and never hurt me. In his railroading me, I got bowled over by the weight of his convictions that he knew what was best and right for me. I took my intellect off what he was — hurting me — and kept my mind on what he’d told me he would do — never hurt me — even while he was. I fell in love with the prince of my dreams and ignored the ogre prancing before my eyes. In my embracing of the unexpected ”˜gift’ of his romance, I made a decision to let him into my life, and the lives of my daughters, too quickly.
Quick access paves the way for deceit
Quick access was important to him -— he needed to ensure I didn’t see who he truly was until he had me under his spell. I obliged. It was easy. I didn’t want him to see how needy I was. So while he seemed like an unexpected gift from a benevolent dating god smiling down on me, he wasn’t really all that unexpected. He was part of a pattern I’d indulged in most of my life: find my value in someone else’s presence in my life and don’t look for my value in me, in who I am, what I do, what I believe in, what I value.
Author and security expert, Gavin de Becker, aptly describes the series of tactics con men employ as thus:
- Forced teaming
- Charm and niceness
- Too many details
- Typecasting
- Loan-sharking
- The unsolicited promise
- Discounting the word “No”
(Source: Protecting the Gift. Survival Signals)
In those first heady days of that relationship, the sociopath used every single tactic to perfection. He told me my ‘exceptional’ talents as a communications professional were critical in his efforts to take his company public. (Building market-awareness for junior companies going public was my expertise. He hired me to help his firm list their stock on an exchange.) “This won’t happen without you. It’s you and me against the world of high finance. Together we can make this happen.” (Forced teaming)
He used his considerable charm to snow me -— his very first statement to me when I suggested we had met before was a seductive invitation to step into his web, “If we’d met before I’d never have let you go.” I swooned and fell. One Saturday, we had a meeting at his office (did I mention he was really, really busy and simply could not make a meeting during the week). I brought coffee and muffins. His old-world charm was seductive. He met me at my car. Held my door open. Complimented me on my outfit (I wore shorts and t-shirt, nothing special.) Insisted he pay for the coffees and muffins. Enthused about the coffee (it was regular old Starbucks) and the muffins as if he’d never had such great tasting muffins before. (Charm and niceness)
During one of our first meetings, I sat on a chair on the other side of his desk feeling somewhat uncomfortable and exposed as he described, with sensual explicitness, the joy of washing a car, his hands caressing the air in seductive curves. He asked me about my color preferences for car interior leathers and explained why as a woman, my choices were so incredibly relevant to their efforts to build the ‘perfect car’. He also mentioned how his former wife didn’t have any interest in what he did… (Too many details mixed with charm and niceness)
Typecasting was easy for him. He constantly stated I was naïve, lacked awareness of ‘evil’, and hadn’t really experienced true love in my life.
His early gift-giving was overwhelming —- creating an aura of gratitude. Look at all I’ve done for you. You owe me. (Loan sharking)
I remember wondering about his promise to ”˜never hurt me’. I never suggested he would. Why did he think it was important to reassure me? (The unsolicited promise)
And, finally, discounting my No. I refused his invitation for a date, insisting I was not interested in dating; I’d just left a longterm relationship. I needed time to soothe my aching heart. He pressured and pressured me until I acquiesced and said Yes. My No became an unheard voice in the wilderness of his lies.
In the end, it was easy for him to dupe me. I wasn’t expecting the unexpected -— his duplicity —- I was expecting his adoration. In my expectation that he was the man of my dreams, I kept my eye on what I was looking for, not on what he was doing.
Create value in all things
In healing, I have found the value in that experience and used it to build the foundation of my beautiful life today. I didn’t live my truth back then; didn’t keep myself free of my victim’s thinking. Today I know better, and I do better.
Today, I still expect the unexpected. Life is too filled with wonder not to. Instead of accepting the unacceptable in unexpected surprises, however, I am willing to stand up and be counted on by me when someone crosses my boundaries. Recently, after two dates a man sent flowers to my office. I sent him packing. That gesture, combined with a couple of other unexpected items, showed me very quickly that he did not respect my boundaries. “I think you’re spectacular and only wanted to put a smile on your face,” he exclaimed when I challenged him on the appropriateness of sending a woman flowers to her office after a coffee date and a dinner. “You barely know me,” I replied. “And sending a woman flowers at her office after only meeting her twice presumes a familiarity that does not exist.” The flowers raised questions with my co-workers that I had no desire to answer. It was not acceptable.
On the other side of the darkness is light
Standing on the other side of the divide between the sociopathic experience and my life today, I’m not bowled over by the unexpected. I’m judicious and conscious of my responses. I don’t get taken by surprise when the unexpected turns into something I don’t want. Instead, I stand up for myself without fear that someone will think I’m wrong for how I feel. I know that when I stay true to myself, my values, principles and beliefs, I am powerful beyond my imagination. I am free.
“I wanted to put a smile on your face.”
Something about that statement gives me the creeps big time.
I think it’s that it reveals his motives for sending the flowers.
And it smacks of control issues.
Wouldn’t a normal person, who just miscalculated, say something more like, “I just wanted to express my affection.” or “I thought you would enjoy the flowers”.
Not, “I wanted to PUT a smile on your face”.
Because wouldn’t a normal person send flowers to express their affection, or because they think you’d enjoy the gift somehow.
A normal person doesn’t do things to illicit a reaction in someone else.
That just seems so empty and hollow.
And suspicious.
And manipulative.
wow wp! You’re right. I had never thought of that statement “I wanted to put a smile on your face” in that way! Almost every man I have been with has said something to that effect when they have given me a gift. It’s not like, Ã love to SEE you happy”it’s “I want to MAKE you happy”.
Very interesting.
HI WP,
It is a creepy expression. As you said, empty, hollow, suspicious, manipulative — and a reflection of his state of being.
The gift of the sociopathic experience is, when I encounter behaviour that does not sit well with me, I have the courage to walk away without trying to rationalize why it’s okay, or without excusing what he did and trying to make it fit my life because I’m so desperate I need a man. I don’t accept the unacceptable. I don’t need to.
Loserchooser — the thing about the ‘I want to MAKE you’ expression is, as victims we often say things like, You MAKE me so angry. No one can make me happy/angry/fulfilled… unless I choose to give them the power. I am not powerful enough to make anyone else anything unless they choose to give the power to me.
It’s the difference between being empowered in our own lives, or abdicating the responsibility to someone else.
With the sociopath, he assumed the power and I let him have it — if IT meant I’d given him a piece of my mind or even a boot out the door, I’d have been a lot more powerful. Then again, he did take my peace of mind! Fortunately, I got it back because it was never his to take.
I never stop learning from this site. Looking back now my psycho would say ” I want to make you deleriously happy”. I always thought it was weird, but now it fits like everyting else does. He never said “Are you happy”?, like a normal person would.
thanks ML
Please keep posting this type of thinking, I need it badly. Yesterday was the last time I’ll see my husband of 32 years who is definately a sociopath and a sex addict. I thought I could SAVE him!!!! Today he is off on some trip with his latest woman (too many to count) but I did close the door on him, but I’m still reeling. Hard to sleep, not eating, etc. I have a strong faith in God and I know that I need to heal and find myself again. I think it’s great how you feel empowered…you sound very healthy. I gave my power away to this man over and over, I don’t know why really. I’m praying that God will hold my hand and reduce my terror as I go into a life on my own after not being alone since I was 19 (I’m 53). I have a counsellor I see once a week. My problem is I wish I could hate the man (father of my 3 children) but he’s done such a number on me that I still feel something (besides anger). I have no job skills but I hope to do some volunteering once I get my emotions in check. I do hope some day to find a caring kind man to marry, but I know it will probably take some years to get myself “normalized”. Are there any out there that have been able to trust again in this manner? My husband not only was a serial cheater, but a criminal, but he always seems to land on his feet, partly because I was there to help him. Part of me hopes he crashes, but that is vengeance speaking. I know that eternally this man is lost lost lost. He never beat me or took from me financially, he just took from me emotionally and used me like a prostitute. Toxic Toxic Toxic. Thanks for letting me vent. I could use some encouragement about the future!
ML,
I never cease to learn & benefit from your posts!
You are indeed healthy and growing. And you are way ahead of me!
Usually, I do not like frameworks like this because we all too often become ‘stuck’ in them, but your simple account of the “Unsolicited Promise’ struck a nerve within me: Why did he/she think it so important to perpetually assure me that she’d never hurt me???
“I’ll never hurt you.” And it came out of nowhere — perpetually!
[Why did I ignore that? Why couldn’t I have commented on her unsolicited promise and ask where it came from? Why she said it? How it fit in the conversation at that moment! OR, better yet, run away and canned it.]
Damned good tip.
The author you mention seems to be on the money with his framework.
While it is easy to think of the bullets in relation to my situation, I draw a blank at Typecasting. Oh, I just got it! She read me like a book and assessed me for my vulnerability as her victim. But there was nothing overtly said to indicate this. When I draw blanks, I know there are things I am not facing, not ready to face or just so hot an area that I am not able to handle it.
[Patience, patience with myself]
It sure is nice to read your ever increasingly satisfying progress. I am not yet as well as you are [~2 years post con and still trying to recover–recouping is not possible] BUT I appreciate gleaning from you. I look forward to the time when I am not merely observant (of others who try to get into my life) and cautious but ‘judicious in my responses.’ I guess this takes more awareness of my own responses. These days it seems I am rather reserved.
But, no butts, it is extremely satisfying to pass up on people who seem to be trying to hook up with me who have ‘something’ about them that alerts me by intuition that they are not well and not likely to be good friends much less partners. I am more picky and better able to defend and protect myself. And it is increasingly satisfying to not have to have a relationship and settle for something I don’t want and, more importantly, it is extremely satisfying avoiding another disaster.
I’s still growing. And getting better everyday. I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings. Time to get back to today.
Thanks for your posts and your insight.
Coukno,
They are so alike!!!! The con no longer in my life would say that too. That also presumed he had the power to make me deleriously happy — which naturally he thought he did, though come to think of it, he never did ask what would make me deleriously happy. He’d tell me how badly other men had treated me (which always confused me because I had not actually been badly treated by other men) and then he’d tell me he would never treat me like they did — LOL — he was right! No man had ever treated me as badly as he did!
I’m glad you’re learning and growing. It is the gift of not being involved with a sociopath. The opportunity to think and be clear and to learn.
Well done!
((Scarlett)) — I too am 53 and while cumulatively I can’t even add up to 32 years in a relationship, I know the feeling of looking at life and suddenly finding myself alone. I was 49 when the sociopath was abruptly removed from my life when he was arrested. I have 4+ years under my recovery belt — and life just gets better every day. In that period I have dated 2 men (both within the last year). The first I thought could turn into something good, and discovered within a couple of months that I wasn’t prepared to compromise on what I believed was right. The second man is the one who sent me flowers after 2 dates. He kept telling me I was spectacular — and that I was afraid of getting close to him — GR, that’s typecasting, telling me who I am and what I’m feeling. In having said No, and standing up for my no, I’m empowered.
It does get better Scarlet. When I was released from that hell, I did not exist — at least the me who had a mind of her own, who could be rational, think, was empowered. I had completely, absolutely subjugated my personality and taken on his. I was amputating parts of my psyche left, right and center. I wanted to die.
Four+ years later — I am one hell of an empowered woman! I know who I am. I do not compromise on my truth. I turn up for me. I live passionately and fearlessly. I still make mistakes! LOL — life is about being human.
But 4+ years after that debacle, I can honestly say, I love myself. I am happy to be.
Love yourself Scarlet in all your woundedness.
As to hating him, try some mental treats on how to deal with him. My favourite was to pour hot oil over him, roll him up in one of the expensive Persian rugs he loved so much, lay him on hot pavement, and take a steam roller over him, back and forth. Back and forth — it was an awesome imagine in my head. I know in real life I wouldn’t do that — but it was empowering to give myself permission to truly, absolutely, completely destroy him in my mind. Whenever ‘nice’ thoughts of him would surface, I would lovingly let myself steamroller over him — and continue on with my day.
Give yourself permission to hate him. Give yourself permission to despise what he did to you and your family. Give yourself permission to get down and dirty in your head — be mean, be cruel, let it out! By letting yourself ‘deal’ with him in your head, you let go of the need to think nice things about him.
One of the things I also did was I set time limits on how long I could ‘grieve’ every day. I would let myself cry for 10 mintues on the hour, and then cut back to 5 mintues and then to 5 minutes every 2 hours, 4 hours, etc. Because thoughts of him were all over my head, I consciously kept him steam rollered for a long time.
Now, thoughts of him are fleeting — and when they do enter, I think, Oh, Look. There’s a thought of him. Bye.
You will heal Scarlet. Love yourself for all you’re worth. You deserve it.
Hi Gr8ful,
Thanks!
It is affirming for me to hear that my words have touched you.
And it’s awesome to see your growth too.
It does take time — but when we stay committed to being the best we can be, we continually grow.
When I know better, I do better.
I know so much more today than I did back then — and each day I grow stronger, more fearless in my committment to turn up for me, and more passionate in my ability to live life fearlessly!
de Becker’s book, The Gift of Fear — is an amazing read. I highly recommend it.
Thanks again, Gr8ful. You’re awesome.
It has been nine months and nine days since we parted for the last time. In that gestational period, I have had my first panic attacks, feelings of hollow horror that I allowed someone of such poor character in the beautiful life I worked very long and hard to create.
As a physician, I did not need his money. Learned and learning so many lessonsincluding some of the following: my codependence, feelings that I needed a human in my life, financial fears, childlike trust in others, and omnipotent belief system that if I work diligently enough — anything is possible. I was wrong. I have seen the movie of me behaving like a child, even though I am an incredibly strong and brilliant woman.
I understand how Lisa the NASA scientist was temporarily insane. Living in a situation of deceipt and consistent inconsistency is like being the lead character in the movie Gaslight. I am still shaking. But the good news is that I am stronger. My emotional intelligence is on meteoric fast forward. If we learn the lessons from being in relationships with these “others” the future is full of light. I am cautiously optimistic.
And dinner dates are different now. I am listening.