By Ox Drover
Someone recently forwarded to me one of those funny e-mails that we almost all get on a daily basis. This particular one was from a site called “failblog.org” and showed a photograph of a pretentious front entrance to a house from the front, and then showed the same house from the side, revealing what lay behind that pretentious entrance façade.
I laughed of course, but then I had an “ah ha” moment, when I realized that that is just exactly how the psychopaths present themselves to victims. The façade they present with “love bombing” to impress the victim with what a wonderful person they are—how could they not be “wonderful,” because they recognize just how special you are!?!
It is reassuring to most of us when someone recognizes just how special we really are! We enjoy those accolades and praise, even if they do somewhat embarrass us. Of course we like the person who tells us how wonderful we are, and we quickly start to trust that person. Isn’t it obvious that they have such good judgment? They think we are wonderful, after all.
The false façade that the psychopath presents to us, of being discerning and intelligent, loving and caring, is just like the house in the photographs. It is all fake façade and only when we are inside can we see the depth of the deception.
Once inside, however, even seeing the reality of the devastation of the internal environment, we still hope that the rest of the “house” can be “remodeled” or repaired to meet the image we first saw. We pour all our resources into accomplishing that dream, yet nothing ever improves. We stay there in the forlorn hope, the unrealistic hope, that we can accomplish a miracle.
Even when we give up and leave, as we look in our rearview mirror, all we can see is the false façade, and not the reality of internal decay.
In order to escape we must accept that the façade is not the reality, can never be the reality, and that only destruction and decay lies within.
My x-spath uses a facade of innocence to mask his true nature as a sexual preditor with an addiction to pornography of the most vile nature.
For all I knew and for all the slapping upside the head Oxdrover and others were giving me, I was still falling for the pity play until I saw this:
http://www.vainencounters.com/index.php?q=forum/2010/01/27/12-characteristics-psychopaths-sociopaths
“The Female Psychopath: Using her false mask, this charming “Southern Belle” schemer appears helpless or needy, pitiful, inept or emotionally unable to cope.”
While my x-spath is a gay male, the above was shockingly accurate, right down to his one of his many online names being the likes of “Clueless Lad.”
“The Promiscuous Psychopath (male or female). Pornography, hypersexuality, masturbation, poor boundaries, exhibitionism, use of prostitutes, incest are reported by his targets. Anyone, young, old, male/female are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for ‘sado-maso’ sexuality. Easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. The internet a favourite hunting ground. However, another type exists, the one who withholds sex or affection.
Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own. Be aware of their frequent presence on the internet.”
During an online chat session, he once used a name that included the word virgin, something like “jamie virgin wright.” While “virgin” was an allusion to his employer, when I joking pressed him about “the virgin thing” he was very evasive.
In fact, of all the guys I ever dated, he was seemingly the least overtly sexual.
Yes, this house had a charming exterior but inside was decrepit.
Oh Oxy! You hit the nail on the head! The first facade with my ex…his beautiful face! He had a ton of plastic surgery done. (He didn’t like his pointy chin.) Wealthy family, black convertible and totaly void on the inside. When I think about it now, he reminds me of one of those cardboard cutouts of a handsome movie star… or a billboard.
Oxy,
I’m beginning to think that LF is reading my mail– or my mind! seems like every day when I log in here, I find a comment, a word, a thot, that applies exactly to what I’d been thinking about just hours before!
And you’ve done it again: I was just thinking this morning of the old cliche,
“IF IT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS!”
Yep. Sociopaths are just like those houses that look so beautiful on the outside, so welcoming, so totally perfect, but inhabited by demons. Or like those houses you see on “Hoarders”! They look just like normal homes, but, OMG, then you see the inside, & they’re filled with all manner of trash & litter, crowded & chaotic, stinking of rotting raw garbage, feces, & dead rats. And the owners of the houses are usually comfortable living in it as long as they can hide their horrible interiors from the neighbors! Even after their secrets are exposed, they don’t want to give up their detritus, & will fight to keep anyone from taking it from them….
Ohh, good one, Oxy! Thanks!
Dear Oxy
Great article and great analogy! It’s especially poignant with me since I am in the architecture field and know the importance of first impressions and facades on a building!
Funny thing is that when I first saw the house and surrounding property of the S in my life, I was horrified….it looked like a junk yard with scrap metal, tractors, decrepit equipment and junk all around his 3 acre property. The house he build looked like a cheap version of a Holiday Inn hotel that was delapidated. He has allot of money lives in a secluded 3 acre property and but you could never tell. I, decided right there I SAW THE POTENTIAL and thought that this “poor” guy just needed a good woman like me who was an architectural designer to “fix” him, help him remodel and turn his house and yard into an estate! ….and so I did!
He had portrayed himself so humble, down to earth, and in so much need of help.
Little did I know that my profession was one of the hooks for him, as he proceeded to charm me, and eventually exploit me of free design services, and manual labor to turn his place around. I did change the facade, but the integral structure of the existing property and the interior are still a disaster!….as he is.
The sociopath would tell you the house is being renovated. It was originally built in 1851. Very little has been changed. He wants to update it, yet keep the original old world charm. The previous owner tried to update it and screwed it up. Look at the havoc that previous owner did to this house! s-path would take you for a looksie but you can’t take a tour because the floors are old and unstable. That damn previous owner didn’t do his job right.
He complains about the contractors he hired, who do shoddy work, and run off with the money.
We are all sympathetic to that cause we all had that experience with contractors. At this point we are ready to open our wallet to help this poor guy out with his good cause. Gosh, restoring a 1851 house! Sign me up!
The flip side to this story is the sociopath who falls in love with your clean house, well decorated house. Then he spends all his time destroying the beauty of your house.
I had that happen.
My house was decorated so cute.
His face lit up when he saw it.
He worked on destroying everything that attracted him to me. He first worked on my house plants.
He systematically broke every plant I had. I had the plants in vintage bowls. He broke every one. He defended it by saying it was a part of my marriage to my ex. Even though my tastes have nothing to do with my ex.
After he broke my plants he threw away the cabinet doors and threw away the doorway trim.
He tore up my back yard leaving it a mud puddle. That back yard was a Japanese garden at one time.
He tore off the rock surface on garage, leaving the bare concrete below (which was ugly) That garage looked like something out of Hansel and Gretel until he got his hands on it.
He wanted to do the same to house with a promise that he will finish and make it look nice. I said Hell NO.
This was the point where he really got ugly. Cause I didn’t believe a word he said. This is the time line when he sicked the police on me.
l
czarinamom, what is his user name? This sounds fun!
Getting off topic. How do I view all the posts I posted here? I would like to know so I can see if I improved or if I sunk deeper in. I will cringe at some of my posts. But, it is important to me to know.
How do I view all my posts?