By | September 29, 2010 124 Comments

Finding our ADAMANT– unearthing our most valuable gem

By ErinBrock

One thing we see over and over from the fallout of a sociopathic relationship is destroyed self-esteem and a lack of confidence. Lacking self-esteem and confidence leads to overlooking behaviors and having a hard time making firm decisions for ourselves.

Destroyed self-esteem makes it difficult some days to even get out of bed, let alone get out of the house and participate in life. It’s hard to plan for meals, school lunches, kid activities, legal angles, financial support and moving forward. We want to hide under the covers and make it all go away.

Okay yes, and justifiably so. BUT ”¦ if we want to get “somewhere,” we must first find our adamant.

Adamant describes a beautiful diamond—very hard, crystalline carbon, impenetrable, impregnable, unshakeable and unyielding. It is a valuable gem.

We must learn to find the gem we all possess ”¦”¦ our valuable adamant.

We must commit to being adamant and NOT allowing destruction. We must be adamant about taking back our souls from a sociopath, protecting our children, our assets and our futures. Right is right and wrong is wrong. We must be adamant about this!

We all possess adamant; we were gifted this beautiful gem at birth. We put it away for the sociopath. Dig it out and reconnect; keep it close and feel it!

Once we find our adamant, we can move forward with a dedicated, “hell hath no fury” attitude. We discover things inside of ourselves we never thought we were capable of. We learn how much power we have over our lives and how much we can change things we don’t like or agree with.

WHY? Because we are adamant!

Adamant is an important and powerful feeling. It’s the empowerment we need to proceed into a custody battle, a divorce with a sociopath, or a family member’s betrayal.

There is no other word that has the same feeling or empowerment attached as adamant.

I asked my kids about what they knew about the word adamant. They responded, “when Moms adamant, don’t try to change her mind, it will never work.”

This led into a great, humor-filled chat. Jr. asked to borrow my car for a long distance drive. He stated his reasons. I said, “I’m sorry, but no.”

He persisted. I looked at him and said, “Jr. ”¦ I’m adamant ”¦ NO!”

He said, “Mom, I’m adamant. I need your car.”

I then explained to Jr. adamant is NOT the same as pushy, persistent, manipulative or convincing. Adamant means there are NO negotiations involved. The buck stops with adamant. Done. Period!

Jr. smiled and went on his way; he understood there was nowhere left to go, mom was adamant.

Once we find our adamant and team it up with tenacity, strength and courage ”¦”¦ we become a strong force. We can pull on our adamant and make strong dedicated decisions, and move forward with confidence.

Adamant is personal, spiritual, professional and human. Adamant encompasses our whole being, once we find it.

Once we find our adamant, we are no longer the victim and we become the survivor, the gems we always were ”¦ finally unearthed and empowered, impenetrable and unshakeable!

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Wonderful post Erin B!.

And well yes, I found my adamant, and it said, I will not be screwed over yet again, and tossed aside like an old shoe- by my long time abuser. I battled it out for 2 1/2 years legally, against all odds, much of it self rep, doing my own forensic accounting and so on and won a judgement finally. Now to collect.

Well let me just share with y’all that I have found evidence that leads me right to the honey pot. Through a really really dumb error on his part. Because he thinks he is just that much smarter than the rest of us.

I have been adamant that I deserve justice, and it looks like I will get me some after all.

Everyday brings more confidence and a sense of freedom and well being, sowmthing that I had not had in a very long time.

I hope others who are in the early stages of recovery can take heart – and realize that sometimes the good guys do win, and often the bad guys trip over their own petard.

Thanks for sharing Erin.
Peace to all

Ox Drover

Dear ERIN!!!!! TOWANDA!!!!!

Thanks you for writing this article. I am ADAMANT about how much I love it! GREAT JOB!!!!!


Good job! Sometimes they do hoist themselves with their own petard! And isn’t it LOVELY WHEN THEY DO!!!!

super chic

EB, inspiring article!
Just reading it makes me feel more powerful!!!!

still trying to understand



It feels so good to find some strength and carry it around for a bit! With every passing day, even when it feels like there is no hope, like you are trapped in your own private hell, strength returns a little at a time.

Finding my adamant is happening more and more each day, in LARGE part, due to LF and posts such as this one!!!

Thanks for posting this!

Dani S

EB I really needed to read this today. I have been having a shyte couple of days with the inner self worth demons!
I gave up smoking and have successfully put on 6 kg, this is not something, someone battling low self esteem needs to do! I have gone nearly 3 years since leaving the spath without medication and to be honest the only reason other than I thought it was environmental rather than chemical is I heard that anti depressant make you put on weight.
Well these moments of pure despear are screaming at me! I feel alone, useless and frightened. I try to hold it together raising my 3 beautiful young children on my own but the days are getting longer and lonelier.

I am going to take adamant with me today instead of self doubt and see where it takes me because quite frankly self doubt is becoming a really pain in the butt and not very productive at all!

Thanks EB 🙂



Sooo cool! Think I’ll try to change my handle to Adamant 🙂




Great article!!! Great word!!! This is a great place to dig in and find one’s ADAMANT! Thank you for the inspiration you offer…Fearless right now!


ErinBrock-that is just a fantastic article. It is exactly where I am headed more and more each day. When I think back on people who have the adamant I have always respected those people. We KNOW who they are when we meet them. You can’t bullshit them, you can’t push them, you know where they stand and what they believe in. even if you don’t know them very well you know THIS about them. There are no excuses for their adamant, they aren’t apologizing for their adamant. They are just…..adamant! I love this visual…the gem…and I love this analogy. I am going to copy this article and put it up on my mirror, my fridge and on my car dash and in my office. Thanks!


EB Nice article. Low self esteem – yep know all about that. Happy you found a diamond in all your digging.


Anitasee: Be adamant to collect! Good going on the detective work! It’s out there, and they usually lead us right to it.

Ox Drover

Dear Dani,

If you are depressed, really depressed for an extended period of time, antidepressant medication may actually be a part of saving your life, or at least making it worth while.

Don’t get the medicaitions from your family doctor go to a mental health professional MD or APN and then also get counseling. I promise you I could not have made it without it. If you had diabetes you wouldn’t NOT take insulin because it “might make you gain wieght” would you? Of course not! So treat what you have with whatever will help you. Depression is a chemical imbalance much like diabetes!

Yep, I’ve gained 60 pounds since my husband died, and it is NOT due to my antidepressant medications, it is EATING TOO MUCH! Now I am working seriously on losing that weight in a SENSIBLE way! 10 pounds a month, it is doable! I may b1atch about it, but it is doable and I WILL DO IT!


No need to ease into adamant…..make a decision….become adamant to be adamant.

Chinagirl…..this is so true….”They are just”..adamant!” and we all know it….it exhudes…’s a boundary which can’t be crossed or lied around.

Thanks for all the feedback…..lets get our adamant on!.


OxD-off subject sorry…but what do you know about HCG diet? A friend did it, she looks amazing, lost a lot of weight and has changed her eating habits and kept it off now for 3 months and counting…

Ox Drover

Dear EB, I think I am going the one click past ADAMANT to B_ADAMANT! Or is it BICHA_MANT ? Lol Anyway, I am trying to be like you when I grow up!!!! I’m ADAMANT about that!!!

You just don’t know how GLAD I am that you are writing articles for LF!!! MORE!!! MORE MORE!!!!!



Your article is very timely. I have been feeling that I HAVE to stay adamant with the spath I have been dealing with. He is trying every angle and I just yesterday I made a pact with myself to NOT GIVE IN and here I read your article tonight on being adamant. How very confirming AND comforting this is!

Alas, it is not possible to change my handle or I would! I LOVE that word. It is a very empowering word.


Ox Drover

Not sure what an HCG diet is—I am using the standard low calorie, well balanced diet recommended by American Diabetes Association, along with increasing exercise. It is working so far and I’ve lost 4 pounds in 6 days (and that will not be typical though as the first few days of any lower calorie diet, you lose more water than actual adipose tissue.

Dani S

Thanks Oxy,
You are right! I usual snap out of it after a day or so… but at the moment I feel exhausted, achy and weak and I hate feeling like this..
Straight after the end of the spath, when I had a break down and was diagnosed with PTSD I was given anti depressants, I had one tablet and was completely zonked out, I couldn’t get off the couch and couldn’t make the kids lunches for school to take them to school. I am not sure if they gave me a strong dose but as I am not living with my parents anymore I am really scared of not being capable of looking after the kids.
I think I best talked to my Doctor about this and see what we can do.
I think the worst thing is the realisation that I am not a strong person anymore and may need some help.
But I am adamant that I will recover and get healthy! I love life, I just hate my head at the moment! and I am a emotional eater. It is school holiday’s here at the moment and financially and physically I can’t keep up with the kiddies demands, my body feel 106 today! but I will get there xx


Dani—-Good for you for quitting smoking!! That is supposed to be harder than getting off heroin. The weight gain you speak of could be because your metabolism slows down after quitting smoking…you probably know that but you said something about antidepressants and weight gain…not sure what you meant…but not all antidepressants cause weight gain. Some can cause weight loss even!

I just wanted to write after reading your post. I have had those days, too, and they suck. Feeling low, feeling overwhelemed and having three children to raise and think about when we are feeling like crap is really hard. It has been three years since your x spath? Good for you! Have you been able to be nc? It has been five years since my divorce from xspath but only a month or so since being at LF. So much has changed since being here at LF. I am feeling stronger, although I have days where I don’t want to get out of bed and everything seems impossible and I hate myself. But then I just say a prayer and get up and make my bed and wash my face! some days its all I can do! sad, but true. but its better than me staying in bed all day!! And, I’ll vent on LF. and try again the next day. I have to really work on thought stopping…stopping the negative thoughts from taking over and it works. Whenever you start thinking a negative thought immediately try to replace it with something positive, your kids, or something you can do that day to take care of yourself.

I’m sorry to hear your are struggling…’this too shall pass’ and it won’t always stay this way. I take comfort from others that have gone through this that it is possible that I can change and I can be strong and take charge of my life and not let the turkey bastards win! (A friend says that to me all the time! and then he calls me Eagle girl…funny) And like ErinBrock said “ADAMANT”. that is our new motto-right?!


You do KNOW tomorrow is another day! I hope you have a snapshot of a good day in your mindseye…..and just hold onto those days!

Your in an adjustment zone…..and it’s hard to adjust.

Your finding your adamant……things will change…..your adamant about that!!!!



Great article EB! Fantastic! Did you know that the word, ADAMANT is the same root word as Adam, the first Man?”Adam Cadmon.”
God was supposed to make him “from the Earth, earthy”, and Adamant is a very hard mineral from the earth, Diamond, or carbon{a diamond is essentially compressed carbon}. But I dont buy the idea of Eve being made from Adams rib.It says,”male and female, created he them” ,in other words Adam and Eve were separate created beings, equal in every way.Its thanks to wrong interpretations of the Creation story that poor old Eve got turned into a 2nd class citizen, and most Churches keep her there!So do the Muslims and the Jews, they both treat women as 2nd class citizens, they cant even sit together in the synagogue or Mosque!
When the human body is cremated, we go back to carbon, and you can even get your loved ones ashes turne into a diamond ring!
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Isnt it amazing to think our spirits will fly to heaven but the spaths will only be dust!. No resurrection for them!So next time you think the spath is winning, remind yourself, in the eye of God, they are already DUST!! But we are the apple of His eye, and His beloved children!!Love, Mama GemXX


I had a client turn her dead horses and parents into a bracelet and earings…..her parents were the earings so she could ‘hear’ them in each ear! YIKES.

If I could burn the spath back to carbon…..I’d bedazzle my ass with diamonds from him! 🙂

Dani S

Thanks Chinagirl & Eb,
god I feel really patheitic now, anyway these low vibe days hit with vengeance some days but there is always something just around the corner that brings my mojo back.
Chinagirl, I have been NC since I walked out nearly 3 years ago, which thank god for that. I think this week has been a little hard for a few reason’s and Emerson my little girl to the spath who is 3 and a bit has stated asking about her Daddy for the first time. She is saying I love my Daddy, I miss my Daddy and I’m going to see Daddy soon, she also is saying he is in the Garden and he rides a big beautiful horse….. All my close friends are married with Children and I think it has just occurred to Eme that our family is a little different and she is missing something special.I dont know what to say to her and I really dont want to think about her Daddy but the fact is her Daddy is a evil spath and I cant change that unfortunately. I feel like I have failed her!
Chinagirl, I have 2 older kiddies to my first marriage but my little one I have full custody off partly because he dosent want to see her and mostly because she would not be safe in his care. It is the best that Emerson is also NC with her father but I adored my Dad so there is so much guilt attached to not providing a normal loving father for her.
And I have been ADAMANT that he would not destroy her life as well, I fought hard initially to keep him away and then he gave up and set sail into the sun set! 🙂


Awesome EB – inspiring. You remind me to be a strong woman and always be aware of how I can tend towards being manipulated. That is a great word and one that I don’t use really – thanks for the reminder 🙂


Dani….you’ll find your Mojo….
It might just be the ’emotional’ break you need.

Dani S



Dani Darling girl, I was just the way you are , yesterday,and thanks to the love, care, and support of the great guys on LF, today I feel so much better! We all have our low days, some are the PITS! You feel lower than a snakes belly a s they say here in Oz.
Your little girl is far better off with one functioning, loving parent than with a spath for a Dad.She is a bit too young now, of course, for you to even try to talk about good and evil.Does she have any memory of the spath dad?Maybe you could say, pehaps God will give us a good Daddy one day, but, you know you have a heavenly Daddy who is always there, and who loves us.{That is if you believe in God.}Does she have any male figures in her life, such as uncles?{Non spaths of course!]Ride that wave, darlin, we are all getting there! Tomorrow WILL be better! Believe it!
HUGS!!!Mama gem.XXX

kim frederick

Love this, EB.

Makes me think of that old song by Seils and Croft, “diamond girl”. I think we should all sing that song to ourselves, and be adament about it.

My mom told me that when she named me, she named me after a diamond mine in Africa. I’ve never forgotten that. That’s a nice gift from a mother, don’t ya think.

Thanks for reminding me.

Dani S

Dearest Gem! I pretend to the peeps in my world that I am A OK! ( I dont like them to worry) so it is nice to come here sometimes and say “hey I am feeling crap”. EB’s post hit me just at the right time it made me sit in my shyte (yet again) own it and say I am adamant that I will get through it!
My little one is close to my step dad as my dad passed away when I was 21 she is also close to by brother. She said a few months back “uncle Trenton is my dad” and I said ” dont say that when you get to school, we are not from Tasmania” LOL a joke you will get Gem!
I am not religious but I am spiritual!
I am feeling better I went and painted a picture (painting feeds my soul) and had a glass of wine! I think the hardest thing is having a child to a spath and one that has no memory of him, although listening to her she is making a father up in her mind!
I have never felt so loved by the spath and so hated by anyone.
She was born out of love (well my love) and his need to appear like he was normal and could have a family in the eyes of others, but it is horrible that she has no father and a living one not worthy of her love and not interested in her in anyway, which in our world is a great thing, I know that.
Spath has 2 other daughter’s, older and they have been NC for 2 years, they are happy with this as they know him. Little Em dosent know he is evil, she just know’s she has a dad that apparently rides a big beautiful horse and is in the Garden??? I have no idea where she has got that concept only that she is obsessed with the Movie Flicka! :)xxoo

Ox Drover

Dear Dani,

The reason that I suggest that people go to a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL about medication for depression and so on is there are so many different kinds and your family doctor, frankly, can’t keep up with it ALL. I would go to a surgeon not my family doctor if I needed to be cut on, or too an eye doctor if I had some cataracts so the thing is that mental health (and medications for it) is something about which most family doctors don’t need to be trying to treat. PTSD is one of those things!

The CHEMICAL CHANGES in our brains from the PTSD are HUGE, and many times if there is not such HORRIBLE or CONTINUED cause, then the PTSD will sort of resolve on itself over a few months, but if it goes on longer than that, we need some professional help.

You wouldn’t not go to a doctor if you had DIABETES and say “Oh, I don’t want to take medication for the rest of my life, or the one time I tried it it knocked me out, I’ll just be brave and it will resolve” No, Of course you wouldn’t, you’d DIE if you did.

Well PTSD is a serious medical/chemical condition and needs SERIOUS and PROFESSIONAL seeing after and assessment for medication. Someone who knows what is going on with the condition and the medication and has the experience and education to handle it. I ended up being changed on medications several times before we got it right—my condition would change, we’d change meds, And even after being on the same med for 4 years and on the same dose, I just changed “brands” of the “same stuff” and I feel a lot “brighter” on the new med, more my “old self.”

About your daughter’s Imaginary “father.” I can relate. My egg donor and I lived with her parents, and the kids across the street asked me “who is your daddy?” I knew who their daddy was, but I wasn’t sure who mine was (I was 2-3 yrs old because my egg donor remarried to my step father when I was 3 1/2)

I remember wondering about that for a “long time.” Later, after they married and we moved I had no playmates near our house at all, so I made up two playmates. I named them “words” that were new to me and which had no real definitions but I liked the sound of the words, the girl’s name was “Madam-mo-sell” and the boy’s name was “Military!” I’d had a pet pig named “tissue” on the farm once! (don’t ya love how kids learn language?)

You might just explain to your daughter that some children have fathers who live with them and some don’t but that she is even more fortunate than those as she has Uncle + grandpa and so on to love her.

Most of All I think she is fortunate to have a loving mother !!!! God bless.


WARRIOR… this!

Dani S

Thank you once again Dear Oxy for your words! When I was initially medicated it was by the Mental Health Dept of the Hospital as that is where I ended up. I quite frankly even thinking about back then is frightening. My biggest fear is being a vegetable for even a day like I was last time. But as I said before they may have given me a high dose because of the condition I was in at the time.
With your words I will definitely closely monitor my moods and seek the right help if things dont improve over time. I must say it has amazed me in the level my mind body & spirit has continued to suffer long after the events. I have moved on from him so far now but obviously the mental scaring is still prevalent. wish it would all just go away like he did!
I appreciate your guidance on my little one as you have been her.xxoo

Ox Drover


It takes a lot of time and WORK and looking inward and outward to heal…I’m still not “there” and I don’t think it is a DESTINATION as much as a journey! I’m better most days and over all I can look and see JUST HOW FAR I have come since the beginning. Sometimes the loads get heavy and that is what LF is for, it does help us share that load because we know we are NOT ALONE on that road toward healing. We are part of a MULTITUDE of people who are trying to make life better for themselves and for others.

That’s pretty special! I’m glad you’re here! (((Hugs))) and God bless.

Dani S

Me too Oxy as I am glad you and so many others are here!
A truly special place indeed xo

Ox Drover

EB, (using this thread as it is easier and quicker to load)

I saw a post of yours a while back that said the bond had been revoked—and you’d know by Monday—monday TODAY or Monday NEXT WEEK? if he had been arrested again or not.

Well, actually it would be NICE if he would jump bail and go on the run! Cause then they would have him for fleeing and he would never get bail again and that would also not look well for a parole hearing in the future.

Keep us posted, ENQUIRING MINDS WANT TO KNOW! Where else are we going to be able to live vicariously and have so much entertaining drama-rama than your X gives us! LOL Since we are all getting our real lives in order your X provides us comic relief!


Yep….gotta call from a detective last week…..not sure of the status….as it’s not on the docket yet this am.
I’ll keep ya posted.
He can run…..but he can’t hide! As long as he owes me anything…..i’ll be on his ass!
Now that Jr is back in school…..that means another year of CS for him too…..keeps adding up! 🙂

Ox Drover

Dear EB,

Have you actually been getting the CS? I remember back when the BIL sent you the check and all the tempest in a tea pot over that one. He just will not let things REST will he? LOL Gosh, it is almost funny at this point! But NOW HE DOESN’T GET THE JOKE! LOL


Yeah….he stopped in May…..left June out.
Figured he’d do that one……Kids don’t eat in summer ya know!
He also owes me ALL medical payments/insurance payments……
and he’s got to sign the deed and transfer HIS car out of my name.
More just ‘clean’ up stuff……but still a tie.
Not comfy him using my address to the judge in xx state…….and how he includes whatever he thinks will ‘behoove’ him to come our way….or get a judge to see him as a good guy. HE”S NOT!
Won’t let him get away with nothing…..
The only thing he can do is……pay me, sign what was ordered and disappear and NEVER, EVER, EVER look back upon us.
Anything less……i’ll ride his ass!


“The only thing he can do is……pay me, sign what was ordered and disappear and NEVER, EVER, EVER look back upon us.
Anything less……i’ll ride his ass!
LOL….7 years and 10 months later……he didn’t disappear…..and neither did my ADAMANT! Soon….all my hard work and documentation will pay off! Whoop whoop!

Ox Drover

Dear EB,

Don’t know about YOUR state but here, if a person refuses to sign a deed or title for a car etc. An attorney can “advertize” in the newspaper to “Quiet the title”—which says in short, in the ad:

To John Doe, you are hereby notified that car vin#1111122322 has been abandoned and you have 30 days to….”

At the end of the 30 days you can take that to the DMV and get the title. If you don’t have possession of the car.

Ditto with property—-as far as TITLE is concerned.

However, since there is a mortgage and I am guessing HE SIGNED ON THE DOTTED LINE FOR THE MORTGAGE it may complicate matters for you/them especially since you are in negotiations for the house/mortgage and so on.

In cases where there is money owed on it, the problem is that the lien holder wants to KEEP HIM ON the title so they can collect from him if you don’t pay. Not sure what all is entailed in that case.

Lots of “quiet title” postings in my area now because of mineral rights, and land had been divided up through heirs and lost heirs and people who don’t even know they have a possible right to 1/100th of a percent of the mineral rights in an acre of land that great-grandpa’s house was on back in 1904…..

If it is transfering the car he HAS out of your name….you should be able to do that yourself through the DMV….since YOU don’t have the car in your possession you can’t make sure it is licensed and insured….but on the other hand, if he goes to jail, maybe you can seize it for back CS and sell it. LOL BE CREATIVE!!! If your name is on it, might make it easier! Then let HIM Sue [email protected] ROTFLMAO


Great minds think alike!

Gotta run to a meeting……it’s a sweater day today! Snow tonight over the pass!!!! Ofcourse….TONIGHT we gotta drive over that pass. 🙁

Ox Drover

Well, got to go back outside and start to get winter things out of storage, won’t have anything that will fit except the SWEAT PANTS AND SHIRTS but NOT BUYING anything new til I lose another 25 pounds—in which case I will HAVE TO….as everything I have will FALL off and I’ll be standing around with my pants down around my ankles and that will NOT be a pretty sight in the middle of Wal Mart, I’ll be on one of those “people of walmart dot com” photos!!!! LOL

Ah yes, the fun of driving from the desert 70 degrees through the mountain passes to San Diego through howling blizzards and snow and ice at night. I really miss that! NOT!!!!!

At least here when we do get the rare snow I don’t have to drive in it. I never did really, I just THOUGHT I did. KEEP SAFE!

Thank you for this article. I have been reading here for some time, but this article moved me to register so I could post and thank you.

I am told that there is this special adamant within me, and all I need to do is discover it. I suppose, bit by bit, I will, but I am having a tough time.

Ox Drover

Dear [email protected],

Welcome, glad that you felt moved to post. It is TOUGH, but it does get easier (some days at least!) This is a great site and lots of support! Again, welcome! God bless.

super chic

[email protected], hello !! Nice to meet you here in cyberspace! I thought this was a good article too. Yes, bit by bit… we do get better, I am adamant that I am going to be just fine!! I think I gave my power away for too long, it’s all for me now!


I am so glad my article inspired you to register. You DO have adamant inside you… is only a ‘switch’ we need to flip.
The switch is the emotions…..the ‘I”VE HAD ENOUGH” feeling…..and wanting/making change.
I’ve often referred to it as my ‘fark you’ attitude……but found a better word to describe it…..ADAMANT!
Decide you want better for yourself……MAKE IT HAPPEN!
It warms my heart to know what I wrote brought you to ‘join’ us. What a gift. Thank you!
LF is a wonderful place…..with support, information, and a hand to hold onto during the tough times.
Welcome, welcome.

ErinBrock and others who replied: Very nice article. Thanks. I am finding my adamant. I would add that along with low self-esteem, I suffer from learned helplessness, a symptom of PTSD I have un-knowingly experienced since childhood.

I have filed in federal court but am waiting for my IFP approval. I have an annulment of the marriage pending in my county too. I am tenacious, and I refuse to be anyone’s victim anymore. And I will do all that I am able to correct some wrongs. This monster who conned his way into my life isn’t the only person who has rendered me feeling helpless and unable to function. When the people who are supposed to be helping lie and abuse their positions of power it produces the learned helplessness as well. All of you who are keeping going are an encouragement to me when I feel like giving up. This guy has lied enough in court documents that if I can find the strength, I can use it all. It is tedious and I have so much else to do, like help raise my grandchildren and keeping the house! But I will do the best I can. Right is right and it is supposed to be might, as the saying goes.


Wow, EB! I’m going to add my thanks to all the others for a Strong A** post! I had been too down, too confused to come back to LF for a few days, & was missing you all…But when I saw the LF email “Finding our ADAMANT” this morning, I Knew I had to come back today!!

Everything you said was so right on, starting with talking about our destroyed self-esteem & confidence in the wake of a SP, & you said it in just the right way (the “I’ve got my boots on” way). and then what immediately struck me was your saying “if we want to get *somewhere*, we have to find our adamant.” I had just emailed to a dear friend from my SundaySchool class yesterday saying,
“I so badly want to Do Something, & to get SomeWhere—whatever I need to do—wherever God wants me to go, but I just keep running into more & more obstacles, which make it even harder for me to lift out of my depression & Do Something that’ll get me SomeWhere!”

I’ll tell you, Dani, that when I wrote that I was right where you were for a few days “having a shyte couple of days with the inner self worth demons!” Just second-guessing myself like crazy, wanting to condemn myself for all my personal*sins*, all my faults, for any & all of the things he accused me of After He Left, trying Again to take the blame for his desertion—-Even Knowing how J betrayed & deceived me with her for 4 yrs & then ruthlessly abandoned me just as all his promises of a beautiful future were within reach, he married her & she entered the “promised land” with him. Surely, I thot, I must’ve been denied that promise because I just wasn’t a good person, not a loving woman, not lovable enough in all my “awfulness!”

I was So down on myself that I’d been crying all day.
And then, *something* prompted me to get off my butt & go look for that heater in the shed/lab. While moving things around, I noticed his red duffel bag he’d left here (which he was going to get, along with the rest of his things, when his lackeys came to clean out his lab). I thot maybe there were clothes in there that my son might want, so I dug into the bag. And there, buried on the bottom, was a plastic bag of papers in file folders.

There were her financial records & the documents which linked him with her all the way back to 1992! (when she was 27 & he was 35) They hadn’t been together then—they were both married–but they’d been in contact off & on all those years. Of course he lost touch with her while he was in prison 04-06, but yeah, they’d hooked right back up as soon as he got out. Well, I knew that part, but, even tho he hinted at it in his final letter to me in August, I didn’t absolutely know that their involvement went back that far. And her financial records?
OMG. I knew she was wealthy, from a wealthy family, but when I saw her bank & $mkt accounts totaling over $200,000 *currently* (& that doesn’t include her properties!)….well, the blaming myself for just not being lovable enough flew off my head like a hat in a high wind!

And, suddenly, I was ADAMANT! I know we’d all been saying that only a sociopath could balance concurrent serious relationships with 2 women for 4yrs, with that skill & efficiency! Surely, I kept arguing with myself, his relationship with her Couldn’t have been that serious for that long because he was so nurturing, kind, & caring, so I Must’ve been to blame for his leaving. WRONG. It was that serious, & it was that desirable for him—a wealthy woman 15 yrs younger than I, whose family businesses were in his field,(energy, oil, environment), & who already had a home in Mexico—but, for his business reasons, he had had to stay here with me until he was able to move his work to Mexico!

He played me so deftly for 8 years. Just unbelievable, for people who’ve never been involved with a SP…..but here at LF, it’s just one more story we recognize & relate to, but with different details & varied scenarios. We all know that person, & we all share the trauma of their destruction in our lives…..and now we have a new word, a powerful new battle cry: ADAMANT! We can be ADAMANT, we will be ADAMANT, we will NOT be pitiful victims….we are ADAMANT & we are STRONG!

[email protected], welcome to LF, darlin….you’ve come to the right place. And, Dani, you said it, “I really needed to read this today!” We all needed to find our ADAMANT!
Thank you, thank you, EB for this inspiring post! Huzzahs!


From the DailyDoseOf Gratitude—-healing & helping words of wisdom to take with us on our journeys to purposeful, ADAMANT Living:

*”Take a moment to stop and think about what you give to the people and life around you. Don’t think about what you’re not doing right. Look instead at all you do that is a blessing. Many of us continually beat ourselves up for not doing or being enough. But imagine for a moment that you are great just as you are. Feel the relief this brings! Now open to the possibility that this is not a daydream. It’s true! Believe it! (Source)”*

*”We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us and make us kinder and more open to what scares us. We always have this choice. (Pema Chodron, from her book, The Places That Scare You)”*

*”Take a moment to step out of the “turmoil” and see beyond the present situation as it is presenting itself to you. Always remember to look beyond what you see with your physical eyes and see from the highest viewpoint that you can attain. Do not get stuck in what you perceive to be “problems” and their relationship to your life as Spirit. The challenges that present themselves to you on a daily basis are not to be looked upon as “bad” things but opportunities for growth. Be grateful for these lessons and allow them to move through your life constantly.

Adopt an attitude of gratitude for the gift of being present during these momentous times on the planet. Release all that does not resonate with the beauty of this life you lead. Cleanse your Self of any unwanted beliefs or attitudes that hinder your own personal growth and acceptance of life as it is at this moment. The expression of the energies of gratitude, peace and joy, at all times, will undoubtedly assist in magically dispelling any turmoil in your life now. (Katrice on Kauai)”*

PS Gemini, thanks for the great post about the roots of “adamant” in Adam Cadmon, & its organic quality. Cool thots!


“and suddenly, I was ADAMANT”.

That’s exactly how we find it…..SUDDENLY……we don’t ‘work’ up to adamant……be find it suddenly.
“working’ up to adamant still leaves room for negotiations….room to wiggle, change our minds……ADAMANT IS THE END EMOTION! PERIOD!

One minute we can be ‘worked’…..the next we are adamant we are DONE, we will rise, we will succeed! PERIOD!

You sound so great in your post Whyme……I am so pleased to hear your adamant!

You have found your adamant too……Keep moving in the ‘right’ direction……it WILL lead somewhere, because you are adamant to MAKE it lead somewhere.
NEVER give up……keep your eye on the ‘prize’, and don’t stop until YOU are satisfied.

This is just so wonderful to hear……strong, yet hurting people moving in the right direction of healing…..


After a life filled with abuse from childhood up until recently, I have been blessed with a true sense of self worth. It was a long fought-for commodity and my freedom and self expression are the most guarded of properties.

People have remarked that I was like the Phoenix rising out of the ashes after this bigamy experience. Three years have passed since I threw him out and I am still excited about what life has in store for me. I think I am proud that I survived.

Glad to focus on all the good things that I have left and the life that lies before me. Things could have been so different. everyday I have now is a gift! Even the little things are appreciated. When you come so close to death…….everything changes. Sorry to spoil the well laid out plans of evil people but I am alive and kicking and making plans for new experiences. Trying my hand at painting, writing and photography fill my mind as well as running my business.

Moving on with your life IS the only choice if you are to be whole. However,I still have a court case to go through,I still have a heart for the Lobby Group for Marriage and Divorce Records, and I still leave the web site up and running. These are programs that run in the background while I go about living out my life.

The striking thing about my new life is I can laugh and joke with people while I educate them about the crime of “Bigamy as Fraud”. Bigamy is NOT talked about and it’s time that it came out of the closet. People are stunned at the numbers of cases out there and most go unreported because the victims feel “shame”. Asking attorneys how many cases of Bigamy as Fraud they see in a year is a real eye opener. They will tell you the people keep quiet. I WILL NOT keep quiet. If more spoke out, the public might begin to understand why we need a National Database. “Mr Smooth” may be the catalyst that moves me to do better things with my life, If, I allow it.

Embarking on altruistic endeavors is not “remaining engaged” with “whomever”. It is moving forward with new knowledge that has led one on a new path. A good path. The “whomever” will continue to “do” what they “do”. Crimes,manipulation,etc. No one can stop them from hurting another person. You have to make peace with the fact that you CAN”T devote your life to stopping them from interacting with others. It’s hopeless. Even if locked up in an orange suite…they will still con and hurt others. Living your life FREE is the only sensible conclusion to this whole mess. How one defines that will be constantly debated.


Adamant is definately the right word to use when describing the person that is leaving a sociopath. My spath was very difficult to leave. He broke in my house, I had him arrested for criminal trespass; he called and txt’d constantly, I didn’t respond. My kids and I continue to be bombarded with invites to dinner, shopping trips, amusement parks, and requests to come to the kids games. Adamant is the word. I expected the spath to be difficult to leave but when does it end? I continue to ignore but now I am considering a restraining order or a charge of harrasment.
Girls you have got to have a thick skin when your with them and even when you leave them. You have to be willing to go all the way with them. Be prepared to file charges, buy some sort of protection, change your locks, change your number, do what you have to. The only way to communicate with spaths is through consequences, if it shakes up their world enough then they will leave it alone.

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