Here’s more proof that total No Contact is the way to recovery. A new study finds that continuing to follow a former romantic partner on Facebook after breaking up makes it harder to move on. Read:
Study: Stalking your ex on Facebook is bad for you, on ZDNet.com.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
skylar
Kim and Louise,
gnite, I’m going to try to sleep and not think about triggers.
It won’t happen though. sigh.
kim frederick
G’night, Skylar. It helps me to know that I am safe. While I still don’t KNOW everything, because I can’t access his heart or mind or experience, I know that today, I am safe. I am sane, and I am doing ok. You are , too.
Louise
It’s a new day. Learning all this about spaths is so empowering, but I realize as I woke up this morning that it doesn’t help how I feel. I guess no knowledge in the whole word changes the feelings. It can protect us from ever being duped again, but it doesn’t help the damage already done. That feels somewhat defeating.
Thank you all so much for your support.
darwinsmom
Louise,
They don’t start to devalue and discard as soon as you’re in love with them. They intoxicate you further, idealize you high in the sky… that you feel so secure in the relationshit that you don’t even question their loyalty to you. And when you’re at the top of security, when you think “now we can start our happy end” that’s when they start to devalue and eventually discard.
So when he knew you had been in love with him, he came over to push you higher and higher into that security, to then pull the rug from under your feet.
I know now that he always cheated on me, but he only started to act untrusworthy more and more to me and the relationship when he knew I was becoming more and more emotionally dependable on him. He shifted the power balance at some point, and he did that by making me question him slightly and then more and more. That’s when I was being put on the back burner, and I was in despair over it. But I also shut down the money tap (had to, because I barely had anything left, but also because I knew he’d had a break long enough and it was time for him to be responsible for that in his own life). Once that well was dried and I actually consistently said “No” to his money requests, he went looking for a replacement, but made sure that I was still emotionally waiting for him and being angsty of his love for me.
Truthspeak
Skylar, I’m sorry that you feel triggered and I wish I knew whether triggering ended, or not. My belief is that the triggers will always be present because they have become a part of who I am. I think (I hope) that, over time, I will learn to manage triggers more and more effectively. Yeah, I’ll have a moment of anxiety, but I’ll have figured out how to turn what would have been a two-day-event into a momentary discomfort. HUGS to you.
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak
Louise, hugs to you. No. The damages cannot be undone, regardless of how much we absorb about sociopathy and psychopathology. The “knowing” only explains what “they” are. The canundrum is how I apply my experiences and damaged to developing a healthy ME.
It’s not easy. It’s not pleasant. It’s not simple. And, I don’t like it, one bit. But, I don’t HAVE to like the healing process. Just as I don’t “like” the truth that I married a second sociopath, I am not required or obligated to “LIKE” it. But, it’s the truth, and the truth is fact. Fact cannot be altered, so it is what it is. And, if any of that makes any sense, at all, I’ll be amazed.
Brightest blessings to you
skylar
Truth
Hugs to you too.
Even when I think I’m past it, somehow the revulsion burbles up when I recall that I was so close to something so evil. It might be a good thing, but yes, like you, I don’t like how it feels.
Darwinsmom,
the money. There is something there still. The money makes a big difference on how you are treated. When we were a money source, we are treated well. When it stops, WATCH OUT. They equate money with control, just as much as they equate our loving behavior with control.
And money is the only thing they are sure has value. (along with gold and silver) That is the key to their thinking. They are looking for something to value, something to believe in because they don’t have any sense or feeling for the value of a human being, not even themselves.
This is why they are like infants. When you want a baby to eat, you can pretend you’re eating and really love the food, then they’ll eat it too. They are purely mimetic.
Louise
darwinsmom:
Thank you. I can see now that is what he did…pushing me higher and higher.
Louise
Truthspeak:
Thank you. We can only deal with the aftermath…this much is true.
skylar
Louise,
You said he became more attentive when you said you were in love with him. Well of course, he did that in hopes that you would respond and he could push you away. Somehow, it seems like you never cooperated with what he expected. So he did get frustrated and bored. He wanted drama.
Another thing, is that they like to have a respectable wife at home, but then associate with whores outside of the marriage. So yes, he was looking for a tramp, not a wife-substitute. I think they do this as a way to further defile the marriage. It’s the madonna/whore syndrome. They split women into two groups: the wife who gets his name but no sex vs. the whore who only gets sex but no respect. By separating the two acts, I think this allows them to avoid intimacy.
The inheritance was very likely why he stayed married to his wife. If it weren’t for that, and if you had cooperated better, he might have left her and married you. The end result though would DEFINITELY have been “no sex for you”, while cheating on you with the OW and various other loose women.