Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
Kathleen , thank you so much for your kind words , im crying and you ar so right. I know i’ve watched my dad’s wake more than anyone trying to figure out what or why i didn’t have a relationship with him but you kno w when he was at the end, i instinctively knew and would wake up and drive right out to farm early in morn the last couple of days . I had been put through hell by all the toxic people aroudn him to the point of having to take a tape recorder out, they were trying to get me to sign off on my grandmas estat e , meaning my share and i looked after her alone. To think they were trying to keep me from my own father, using the excuse i was going to upset him, i was feeling like i was being disowned and couldn’t understand but i know my dad was confused with it all and it was not his intention. Anyway my point is his last night on earth, i got in the double bed that i lent them of my grandmas that afternon only getting out i think twice to pee becasue i was determined to be with him to the end and you know none of them stopped me becasuse i think they knew they either couldn’t or didn’t feel the need but i held his hand all afternoon and night till the von nurses told me to go up to bed with my stepmother and then we were called down 2 hours later that he had passed so i was with him to the end and nobody could have persuaded me not to be,it’s just so sad and im bawling now that he didn’t know or maybe he did how much i really cared. I know i wrote him a card and my mother in law kind of chuckled as he was confused thinking it was a fathers day card and i told him how very proudi always was of him because of how people loved him and i was also proud of how he handled dying and he apparantly really loved the card we just couldn’t show it either of us , I know he said he loved me but for so many years i felt like he was so indifferent to me , just s he was to his mother, my brother actually any close family member. He would never want me putting up with what i have with these men i do know that. Thank you as well for telling me that you think im doing alot better becasue sometimes i don’t see it and i’ve read your posts for years now and i admire your wisdom, i saw how far along you were when i first started reading and blogging. Very similar to when i went to AA and i could see where i could be if i just kept goingto meetings and praying etc. I really needed your wisdom as a woman who had come out the other side and become stronger and wiser for it so for that i thank you from my heart. kh
Ayelah, congrats on the Real estate Test? Are you completely finished it. I took it decades ago when i was 18 as my mother had taken it and had the books andhad always wanted to do it but it was a conflict of int with my job at the bank. It’s pretty intensive now to take in Ontario, costwise as well as time and there are too many agents in this little city i live in but i know i would love anything in sales. Im interested to see how it goes for you, there are alot of overhead costs here involved but i know depending on circumstances and where you reside you could be very successful. It was a dream of mine before i got married and had children. The economy here is at an all time low so it wouldn’t make sense to do it at this point but i sure wanted to at one time. Best of luck to you girl. I remember my physichiatrist said to me and she was dead on , she said ” if you put as much effor t into yourself as you do others i’d hate to see what you could do” the sad part is i’ve wasted sooooooooooomuch energy i could have probably gotten my Masters and im not even joking. Im going to see if she has any remommendations as far as employment tomorrow as i find her to be a bright woman, and yes she knows what a sociopath is as i’ve asked. Not at first she said, but then the hair on her back goes up and bingo . You know she also said something to me once that i found humble she said Shelly ” im no better or no worse , and no dumber or smarter than you” in other words im the same as you , so don’t look up to anyone , just yourself. I really didn’t get it until now what she meant by that statement and now i can see she was encouraging me to not put myself down so much. love kh
Kindheart,
Thanks for the congrats…..the test I passed is just the class test, I still have to pass the state exam, and here in Florida were I live it is very difficult, costly and time consuming. I’m doing this despite the fact that FL has one of the worst economies and worst housing markets because I’m an optimist who thinks that what goes down must come up. It also dove tails with my now defunct career….architecture.
So sorry again about your situation regarding your dad….you have to find a way to forgive him and then you’re spirit will be lightened. I know that as long as my father is still alive I will continue to attempt being at peace with him. Maybe when I reach this point I will no longer seek approval from him or other men who prove to be toxic.
Keep your energy focused on you….like your therapist said….you can accomplish great things if you put your energy and mind to it…regardless how hard it is, you’ve done it before you will do it again.
Dear Luv,
I know too how much it hurts when you realize just how much the spath has lied to you. Just tonight I was enlightened by yet another person who knew so much about how sick he was. I wonder why no one bothered to tell me until now. It is amazing how many people will keep quiet about how sick these people are–shame on them for doing that! It makes me sick to know how many women he has used and abused. It makes me sicker to know that I let him into my life and that I loved him so much. I exposed my children to this man. I had no idea how he would sleep with anything that moved. I had an inkling that he was allergic to working but quickly found out that he would use any excuse to use my money to get himself out of jams. I feel sick that he has hampered my life by giving me an STD. But I am so happy that now I know because it killed the sickness that was “our love” and I can get on with having a normal life. I am lucky that I wasn’t killed by this bas***d. You got out alive and the hurt will be replaced by anger and that anger will help and not let this happen to you again!
I made a valentine’s card ”“ a place where we can write love: http://lfvalentinescard.blogspot.com/
please spread the word.
best,
one step
Just read the comments again on NC and boy does it help to hear again the reasons to stay that way. I understand the whole Valentine’s Day thing. It is easy to start thinking about the things you miss about the spath when this holiday rolls around. However with that said, it is also a great time to remind yourself that that kind of love you don’t need and no amount of flowers, candy or cards can give you back what you have lost by being involved with these people. NC means that you can keep your sanity. NC means they can’t worm their way into your heart. Be good to yourself because they will never be.
Reading posts today..so much pain. I am so sorry others have had to deal with this… but then it does refine us, yes?? We cannot live and thrive in ignorance.
Forgiving someone who continues to intentionally and unremorsefully inflict painon the innocent is harmful and dangerous. He knows what he is doing..and so should you.
We are to recognize the evil and protect. Thank God for “delivering me from evil” but I am not to forget what it is. He is a tool of darkness; only light (truth) overcomes that.
For all of you who are hurting; truth always prevails.
jelltogether- I recently found this website and have not read through everything that I would like, but I feel certain that it will help the healing process as have all the books and online articles I have read in the last month. You bring up a point that I have been debating with. Everything I read says not to discuss your spath and I think it was Robert Hare’s Without Conscience where I read it first, that he recommends not talking about him. I don’t know how in the world one is supposed to cope without it, but along with his recommendation, there is no clear cut reason or explanation. The only thing that has kept me quiet so far is the fact that things could get potentially scary, although nothing criminal or violent came from our encounter, I feel that to discuss him with mutual acquaintances, might be like a pit bull that is meek and gentle, but all of a sudden goes crazy. I am thinking of contacting two former female “friends” that I know of but haven’t made the move to do so. Anyone have opinions on this?
flowerpower-thanks so much for your last comment. This is one I will copy and paste in my healing folder. It really lifted me up. 🙂 Initially after the breakup, I forgave him for the pain he created in my heart because as with most other things, I thought it would free me to move on. I had no idea that the healing can go on for years after having dealt with someone capable of such extreme cruelty, deceit and manipulation.
Dear Shana,
Many times your friends even though their intentions are good will not SEE how you could be so upset by this encounter. They don’t realize that BETRAYAL is the worst kind of injury and may just tell you to “get over it already!”
If you need to discuss or vent, come here, WE do “get it”—and there may be times that you will be obscessed with what went on, or so angry you want to kill something, or so sad you can’t quuit crying but all those are normal parts of the healing process and the roller coaster ride will pass. There is light at the end of the tunnel~! I promise you!
Help me!.Parenting Coordinator doesnt get it! We are NC and my ex wants to “pretend” we can in public. Has now resorted to using the children to unload a delivery for me, which would involve coming inside my home.
The ex is not allowed to even get out of his car at child exchanges due to angry outbursts and profanity at me in front of the children , Now on his best charming behavior but can be sarcastic and rude in emails which are forwarded to PC.
When I notified the PC who is a psychologist of the delivery this week , she thought it would be a “chore” our children could help with…like we had no boundaries in place!!She then sent both of us a list of things the children need from a PC support group for high conflict divorce, among those:
parents not ignore each other or stand far apart at childs public events
parents should go into each others homes since they are the childrens homes as well
do not use children as messengers or spies
do not bad mouth other parent, relatives or friends
This PC is court appointed, has access to medical records with diagnosis of narcissism and bipolar. She had me fill out 10 page abuse history form and has police reports to back this up. She apparently wants us to be “amicable” for the children. I now have chest pain again from the anxiety that her responses cause. I can handle the ex..its her not getting it that stresses me.
PLEASE ADVISE ME.. I dont have the money to take this to court and have her dismissed. How can I show her that our situation cannot become what she wants. I will not lower my boundaries!!!