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By | January 25, 2010 108 Comments

Game theory and the sociopath

Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That’s what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game.

Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win.

Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic situations, in which an individual’s success in making choices depends on the choices of others.”

Sociopaths are often very good at games in this sense. They look at social situations, perform a quick cost-benefit analysis, and then act based on what will serve their interests. For example, a sociopath may evaluate a situation like this: “If I tell her that I love her, and promise to marry her, she’ll let me move in and give me money to pay off my back child support so the court will get off my back.” Notice there is no love, no concern for children. It’s all about a means to an end.

Prisoner’s Dilemma

According to game theory, many variables can affect outcomes in contested situations. For example, people are generally, although not always, assumed to be rational and making choices that benefit their own self-interest. It’s also important for participants to know whether another player in the game can be trusted, or is likely to be deceptive.

A famous game in this field of study is called the “Prisoner’s Dilemma.” Here, according to Wikipedia, is the classic scenario:

Two suspects are arrested by the police. The police have insufficient evidence for a conviction, and, having separated both prisoners, visit each of them to offer the same deal. If one testifies (defects from the other) for the prosecution against the other and the other remains silent (cooperates with the other), the betrayer goes free and the silent accomplice receives the full 10-year sentence. If both remain silent, both prisoners are sentenced to only six months in jail for a minor charge. If each betrays the other, each receives a five-year sentence. Each prisoner must choose to betray the other or to remain silent. Each one is assured that the other would not know about the betrayal before the end of the investigation. How should the prisoners act?

The choice, therefore, is between cooperation and defection. In studies, players have participated in a variation of the Prisoner’s Dilemma in which they earned points based on their choices.  The possible outcomes were:

  • If both players cooperated, they each earned 3 points.
  • If both players defected, they each earned 1 point.
  • If one player cooperated and the other player defected, the cooperating player got 0 points—the sucker punch—and the defecting player got 5 points.

Therefore, when one person cooperated and the other defected, the defector came out way ahead.

Reputation

Psychology researcher Linda Mealey published a paper in 1995 called The Sociobiology of Sociopathy: An Integrated Evolutionary Model. In it, she discussed another dimension of the Prisoner’s Dilemma game as it applies to real life. If the most rational strategy is to be selfish and betray, why would anyone cooperate?

The answer lies in reputation. If a player is known among members of a group to always defect, then no rational person will “play” with him or her. When a person has a reputation as a defector, that person will not have an opportunity for any kind of gain, cooperative or exploitative.

This is where game theory becomes useful in dealing with sociopaths. Mealey writes:

Sociopaths’ immediate decisions are based partly on their ability to ”¦ use those expectations of others’ behavior in a cost-benefit analysis to assess what actions are likely to be in their own self-interest. ”¦ The outcome of such analyses is therefore partially dependent on the sociopath’s expectations of the behavior of other players in the game. I would argue that an entire society can be seen as a player, and that the past behavior of that society will be used by the sociopath ”¦ to predict the future behavior of that society.

Like an individual player, a society will have a certain probability of detecting deception, a more-or-less accurate memory of who has cheated in the past, and a certain proclivity to retaliate or not, based upon a cheater’s past reputation and current behavior. Since the sociopath is using a rational and actuarial approach to assess the costs and benefits of different behaviors, it is the actual past behavior of the society which will go into his calculations, rather than risk assessments inflated from the exaggerated fears or anxieties that most people feel in anticipation of being caught or punished. Thus, to reduce antisocial behavior, a society must establish and enforce a reputation for high rates of detection of deception and identification of cheaters, and a willingness to retaliate. In other words, it must establish a successful strategy of deterrence.

According to Mealey, a society “must establish a reputation for willingness to retaliate.” This means increasing the probability of criminal detection, identification and punishment. And the retaliation must be swift. If there’s a long lag time between antisocial behavior and consequences—well, the antisocial behavior will continue.

Exposure

Mealey’s comments related to reputation square with what I have seen. Since our society hasn’t established a reputation for willingness to retaliate—the justice system is a joke—the only effective action to take against sociopaths is exposure.

The case histories section of Lovefraud, called True Lovefraud Stories, exposes the behavior of 16 different sociopaths. It works. I’ve heard from many people who came in contact with the predators, Googled them, found the Lovefraud stories, and dumped the sociopath. One woman, discovering what Bill Strunk was really all about, actually told him that he had a “bad reputation.”

Lovefraud’s goal for the future is to publish many more bad reputations. Hopefully, then, people won’t play with the sociopaths.


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Ox Drover

Dear Donna,

Thanks for posting this very interesting article.

Interestingly enough, my P son is the maddest at me for “ratting him out” to the cops when he was 17 for a theft (in which he used my car which he took during the night to haul the loot, as his only transportation was a stolen motorcycle.) He even blames my ratting him out for putting him in prison 3 years later for murder!

Of course in prison, any known “rat” is severely retaliated against, even up to and including being “shanked” (killed with a home-made knife).

The “funny” thing is, he is totally loyal to his prison buddies, but has NO loyalty to his own family. In fact, he knew his brother’s wife was sleeping with his ex-con friend, yet he was not angry at either of them for “betraying” his brother—yet, if the woman had been his, and sleeping with someone else, he would most likely have killed her (if he had a chance) just as he killed the young woman who “ratted him out” when they got caught in their illegal activities.

I think in my son’s case, it would depend on who the other “prisoner” was—if it was someone who was NOT one of his ex-convict buddies, he would rat them out in a New York minute, but he would NOT rat out a fellow because of fear of retaliation which I think is the only thing he “respects.”

pollyannanomore

Excellent post and very timely Donna – the only problem with individuals exposing sociopaths is that people around them don’t want to believe what they are … this site has cases with lots of evidence related to them so can be relied on as a good source of information. An ex of a sociopath trying to ‘out’ them may be seen as pathologically jealous and eating sour grapes about not being with the person anymore no matter how much they protest this is not the case.

It would be really useful to have a ‘guide’ to outing sociopaths – some general guidelines from people who have successfully exposed them in the past – but I suppose this is not really possible as every relationship and every sociopath is different so what is used as proof to out them would be different in every case.

Again thanks for this site and the work you are doing to raise awareness – it is so important.

butterfly_0924

I tried to expose my psychopath to our friends and tell them what he really did to me and I was surprised that some of them told me they believe me. I didn’t really expect that people wouldn’t believe me, but it’s true. I tried to warn his new girlfriend (he was with her the day after he texted me and broke off the year and a half relationship) but she wouldn’t listen. She thought I was just mad and jealous. It’s frustrating when people don’t see what you see.

lightsaber

Thank you for this article Donna 🙂

Framing the sociopath’s actions as Game Theory is an excellent way for us to gain some insight and understanding as to what we are dealing with.

I think one of the hardest things, if not THE hardest thing, for us to come to terms with after being played by a sociopath is how another human being can treat us so cruelly as just a disposable object. Everything that we experience that is out and out cruelty, does not even faze them because of their intrinsic lack of a core. This is why it CAN be a game to them.

As empathetic humans we can generally step into the other’s shoes. WE have a conscience. WE have remorse. WE have natural reasonable doubt. All of these things are NORMAL. Imagining how it would be to not have these things is darn near impossible. Thus, leaving us bewildered and also vulnerable to being fooled. When we think of their actions we naturally want to think of someone who MUST FEEL as we do. HOW could a human NOT feel ANYTHING when perpetrating the most despicable acts??? It goes against everything we understand about ourselves and other NORMALS.

It all comes down to this. It’s a game to them. They have as much feeling for anything they do to ANYONE in their life, as a person moving chess pieces around a board. I’m willing to bet the exSpath I was with, get an inner glee and smirked to himself EVERYtime he “pwned” me to his end.

Objectively and unemotionally seeing them in this light, helps me with my own rage at the perpetrator of abuse. It doesn’t take away my righteous indignation and drive to STOP every single one of these monsters in their tracks. It makes me feel less powerless. NOW I know what I am dealing with. I have the power to protect myself.

The other thing this Game Theory does is help to illustrate how the sociopaths operate. It makes them easier to spot.

Thanks, Donna, for this wonderful article and the lead to a study based on sociobiology.

I sometimes thing that we’re battling the terminology “sociopath,” and that might be possible to raise general awareness of antisocial behaviors by education about healthy communities or personal wellbeing in social contexts.

When communities were smaller this sort of thing was communicated by shared community standards. The industrial revolution broke up village life, and the mass-media and digital revolutions have made it harder to maintain a sense of community standards in the “real world.”

Churches have been consistent sources of social standards (mostly good), and government have been some kind of influence (but usually weak). I think that the common-sense wisdom that still existed in our grandparents time, though eroded by increasing commercialization and urbanization, may still exist, but it’s no longer part of the common currency.

I had an interesting conversation this weekend with a woman minister, now in her 80s, who grew up in Mayberry NC, and was a huge influence in my 30s. I told her about the five-year relationship with the sociopath, and she said, “It took you that long to figure it out?”

I reminded her about my incest background, and the fact that my chronic need for love and safety made me vulnerable to the “big sell.” And then my tolerance for abuse and insecurity made it easy to manipulate me when the relationship turned toxic. And she understood (and applauded the way I used the experience for my healing).

But she’s not the first person who’s heard any part of the story and seemed to know more than I did, before I did a lot of research, about what he is. I live an a rural area, and the people who grew up here as farmers or tradesman immediately identified him as a “user.” How simple is that?

This clear awareness about people we should avoid seems like something we could teach. Along with teaching about how important it is to stand up with each other against bullies. And to understand that another person’s suffering with the aftereffects of abuse doesn’t stop with them. That the social and personal costs just ripple out, and that stopping it at the source is a lot easier than trying to cure it later.

All this doesn’t address Donna’s focus on repercussions against abuser or users or whatever we call them. Sharing information to warn off potential victims, if we can, is a good thing. But it’s not always possible. I know, in my own case, I do what I can on a word-of-mouth basis, and continually upgrade my ways of talking about it in order to preserve my own credibility and avoid any legal issues. And depending on the size of the threat he offered — in terms of damage to other people — I might be willing to risk a lot to stop him, if I felt the situation was sufficiently important.

But ultimately, I think that the best solution is the kind of education that helps everyone name these people for themselves. To know the signs, to know the questions to ask, to have standards for judgment, and also to understand that all people who need help are not necessarily bad, and that help should be available. But that part of having a good life and good community is being responsible for ourselves and the quality of our groups. And that there are ways to speak up or to behave that can help keep our world healthier.

I don’t know if I’m too far out on a limb here. I don’t want to create a 1984 environment of social controls. I think there’s a fine line between teaching people to take care of themselves and stand up for what they think is right, and enforcing standards of behavior that do not accommodate the normal ups and downs of a life or an emotional system.

But I still think we could do better. If the nuns who taught me about being good in elementary school had also alerted to me to the fact that not everyone had my best interests in mind, I think I could have used the information to better understand what was going on in my world. And maybe to get through some hard times with more perspective and more understanding of the need to take care of myself at an emotional level.

I wish I had better ideas of how to create this kind of education. I think that the ideas are going to have to come out of expertise in childhood development, because the people who don’t know this stuff are probably a little emotionally retarded — as I was — and need to be taught, even as adults, a pretty basic level.

Maybe something like this: Bad people exist in the world. They may look attractive. They may offer you something you really want. They may make every effort to convince you they are sensitive, compassionate and care about you. In fact, they look like someone you could really trust. Which is why it’s good to learn how to take it slow. Enjoy people for what they are, but don’t get yourself into circumstances you can’t get out of, until you really know a lot about them. Your real friends are the ones who continue to care about you and treat you with respect. The people who don’t are the ones you don’t want to know.

I’m not sure that’s exactly right, but maybe it’s somewhere to start.

Kathy

lightsaber

Kathleen Hawk says:

“But I still think we could do better. If the nuns who taught me about being good in elementary school had also alerted to me to the fact that not everyone had my best interests in mind, I think I could have used the information to better understand what was going on in my world. And maybe to get through some hard times with more perspective and more understanding of the need to take care of myself at an emotional level.”

We can do better. I think part of the problem is the cultural mindset we’ve had for about the last 50 years or so, especially in the English speaking countries.

We used to not believe that everyone had some good in them. We used to have a healthy level of holding off trust until knowing someone new. We used to say, SOME THINGS ARE JUST UNACCEPTABLE. No if, ands or buts about it!!!

The way I see it, is that we collectively (as societies), donned some rose-colored glasses somewhere around the middle of the 20th Century (the timing seems ironic, coming right on the heels of the Holocaust). This was encouraged and backed up by academics and the media for so long that it became, generally speaking, the accepted view of things. Added onto this was a burgeoning moral relativism until now, we are at a place culturally that we seem to have lost ALL MORAL ABSOLUTES. I look at the popular television shows and some of the films of our current time and I see a world of moral anarchism.

I believe part of what has let many of the sociopaths flourish, and why we get blindsided by them, is that we’ve COLLECTIVELY lost these self protective and healthy boundaries, including PUNISHMENT for transgressions against moral absolutes.

If you CHEAT, If you LIE, If you STEAL.

YOU are WRONG!!! And you WILL be punished.

We are sorely lacking that currently.

Annie

This is an excellent article Donna. And excellent comments by Kathleen and lightsaber.

I’m happy to see the articles here on LF considering larger societal perspectives – going beyond “love” relationships. The major damage I’ve sustained in my life has been inflicted by P/S in spheres other than the romantic: at home and in the workplace.

I think there are three unidentified social policy/commerce elephants in the room (alluded to by both Kathleen and lightsaber) which complicate the application of game theory to society at large: globalization, marketing, and the influence of sociopaths on the creation of government policy.

Globalization essentially means that we now live in a new world – where any particular P/S/N has potentially 7 billion people to go through before their reputation catches up with them, instead of the small communities we used to live in. Included in that trend would be both out-sourcing and frequent corporate re-organizations – both require establishing new “baselines” – meaning that it becomes extremely difficult, if not impossible, to trend for behaviour/results over time. And I’ve found that the more corrupt the behaviour the more frequent the reorganizations/realignments. And without proof – concrete evidence over time – all you are left with is innuendo.

You could propose that the internet can counter that – it can get information out to all 7 billion people. And that is partly true. Until you consider the influence of marketing/mass persuasion.

I’ve been reading lately how marketers/advertisers use the techniques of cults/brainwashing/etc… to influence the masses and hide or distort the truth – and how that science has evolved dramatically over the last 50 years. What has stood out most strongly for me was how effectively and thoroughly it was used by the (alleged) P’s/S’s in my former organizations.

A friend of mine feels that most world goverments have been overtaken by psychopaths/sociopaths, and feels this has led to the erosion of democratic checks and balances world wide. And part of that trend is the almost addictive reliance by political parties on marketers. As a result public policy is increasingly written for the benefit of the few.

Annie

I should mention that my post above refers to psychopathy/sociopathy in organizations – not in individuals.

The influence of amorality/immorality was clear to me in the financial services industry (thankfully fairly restrained here in Canada by strong, effective regulations). What was less clear to me – until recently when the scandal(s) broke – was the possibility of psychopathy/sociopathy underlying the behaviours of several key executives in one of my former organizations (in the health care industry). They, and their organizations, have been all over the news here for almost a year for corruption/govt waste/etc… The scandal has brought down or seriously damaged several executives, board members, and government ministers. I knew something dirty was going on at the time – but I never saw the key players for who they were until they hit the news.

pollyannanomore

What excellent posts – great points here. Yes many of these brainwashing tactics are used against us by marketeers and advertising gurus – I mean how many of us buy anti wrinkle cream? We know in all likelihood it won’t work but those ads are so persuasive!

I think the sheer volume of advertising also causes one of the tactics we use in these sick relationships – selective inattention. If we couldn’t tune out some of the content that we are assaulted with every day, our brains would fry from overload! This phenomenon though enables the sociopath to slip bad behaviours, gestures and language under our radar.

Another aspect that contributes to these relationships is the chronic busyness everyone seems to suffer from these days. We are always rushing for work or engaged in professional development or keeping the house ridiculously clean (a few germs won’t kill us contrary to the opinions of those glossy home magazines!), cooking gourmet meals and trying our damndest to please these people. When they bring home disaster, we deal with it as quick and effectively as we can and then real life takes over again as the obligations pile up. If we had a few weeks of relaxing by ourselves to really analyse the situation, I think many of us would have decided to leave earlier – instead we forgive each transgression in the rush and bustle of life. And of course sociopaths ensure we are always broke dealing with the responsibilities they refuse to so there is never any money to take a nurturing break to consider the next step. I remember feeling very trapped on the roller coaster as each pattern would repeat over and over again. More chaos more dramas more pain.

We also have a global village view of the world now. People move around frequently for work and this enables sociopaths to camoflage themselves. It’s fairly normal now to encounter people who are far from home, disconnected from their family of origin and have few friends due to recent relocation. Some people are genuine about their circumstances … but how do we know which is which? It’s normal to not be able to check someone out among their family, community and friends – people are highly mobile and move every few years now – often suddenly.

There are no longer consistent standards that are held up for behaviour and relationships by society. Now anything goes – friends with benefits, married but cheating, threesomes, orgies, F buddies, discreet encounters … once upon a time there was boy meets girl, they date, fall in love and marry. Not so simple now. Also things that were once considered perversions are now thought of as ‘adventurous’ – golden showers, scat, dom and sub play, orgies… boundaries are blurred with all these changes. I think the explosion of internet porn has a lot to answer for. Many men think the image conveyed on those sites and magazines is real – the plastic woman who is always ready, willing and able with a moan escaping her lips. I am unsure whether men have pressured women to take on this role or whether women have done it willingly – afraid of not measuring up to the plastic women stripped naked and degraded in every way possible. Brazillians and bum bleaching are relatively new phenomena – a trend started by porn stars. I hate it. I hate the expectations and assumptions some men make. Some women in seeking to embrace ‘equality’ have become like men trying to get notches on their belt – I am not so sure this is an even deal for women. A subtle double standard still exists no matter how much men may protest they love their women ‘aggressive and forward’. And women become more bonded than men through sex and orgasm. Most women I know who have slept around have STILL hoped the guy would call the next day … and that they would somehow meet Prince CHarming between the sheets. Unlikely – more likely to meet Prince Harming.

Blurred gender roles abound too. And in this respect women still get the raw end of the deal. They are now expected to have a good education, a good career AS WELL AS raise the family and keep the home beautiful – mothering was once a fulltime job by itself – now it is assumed women can squeeze it in in the hours they aren’t at work. Studies on housework and unpaid labor still show women ahead of men by about 70% in the time they donate to keeping the family together and the home organised and functional. It seems very unfair to me.

When you add to all these elements very unstable long term relationships we have a recipe for disaster no matter how good the match in the initial stages of the relationship. Marriage is now not for life generally – it’s for as long as it’s convenient. I don’t refer to personality disordered partners there – for marriages with them there is no hope at all and partners are best to leave. But those with no disorder fail at equal rates too. Selfishness seems endemic in society now. Everyone is a narcissist!

And yes immorality in corporations is rife – the rich get away with tax evasion and get breaks that no mere mortal ever gets a chance at. They are able to play the game to win while the rest of us struggle to merely survive. Governments should be dealing with criminal executives extremely harshly to send a clear warning to others that money alone will not insulate them against justice. Instead they usually get a slap on the wrist while honest ma and pa savers lose their entire life’s work and retirement funds. Something is very very wrong here.

alohatraveler

Hmmm. I like the idea of exposing these people. However, the Bad Man stole no money from me. I don’t know what I could prove except that I have heard from numerous other women that have similiar painful experiences with him.

I know that DDHM has one or more lawsuits against them claiming “defamation of charcter.” How will LF get around this? Will you only post perpetrators that have committed documentable financial fraud or poligamy (pls excuse my spelling).

Renewedhope

Has anyone here ever played the marble game: “Aggravation?”
As children, when you wanted to “Bump” someone who was in the middle you would take your marble and slam dunk it hard at it and take it’s place. This space in the middle was always the space everyone wanted because it was the short cut and easiest and fastest way to get your marble home.
Well for me, I am sick & tired of my S woman “aggravating” me just because she wants to take the easiest way in life and she doesn’t care which “path” she chooses so long as she beats me in the end.
It is now the end of the game for both of us now. We both have all the marbles at home(save one) and each one of us only needs one correct roll of the dice to put our last man in home to win the game. It’s my turn and I just rolled the dice…Yes! The exact number I need to win the game! One, Two, Three..X marks the spot! I win! The last move is MY Move and I choose to remove her completely from my life! Euphorically, I made it first and still have all my marbles!!!!!
That is exactly what is going to happen if and when ol’ “Queenie” decides to call..she’s not calling all the shots from here on out. I am! And I have chosen to remove the biggest opponent out of my life for good. She sure ain’t worth the “AGGREVATION!” 🙂

AKA Bob

Exposing the sociopath has been discussed on many of the forums here. I recently met with my sociopath’s most staunch supporter face to face. He is a man who she had a romantic relationship with when we were still married. She brought him into our family’s life solely for her needs when we were in marital turmoil. She sought him out because she needed a soft target to meet her needs because she felt I would no longer be the provider of those needs as our marriage was on its last leg. For over five years now he has been the loyal sycophant even though they are not supposedly romantically involved (she’s been involved and lived with another man now for over three years), giving her every bit of emotional support, and he steps in to parent my children when they are with her because she does not possess the parenting skills do it on her own.

He requested the meeting to return my child’s sweatshirt recently left at his home. He wanted to ask me why I don’t want him around my children, especially unsupervised. My answer was that he has a history of lacking discretion when with my children, he tells them things they don’t need to know about me and their mother. He seems obsessed with my family and has a hard-on for me because of the spin and lies told to him about me. I don’t feel it is healthy for my children to be with him, a man who wants so be a parental authority/influence to my children. Our parenting consultant and children’s therapist agree with me, yet they do nothing to stop this man from being with my children.

This meeting gave me the opportunity to voice my concerns about my ex. I provided him with clear and undisputed evidence that he had been lied to for years. He even acknowledged that he was aware of many lies. I never suggested she was a sociopath, that would be futile and make me appear obsessed, angry and hostile as she portrays me (the company line is I am still angry/hostile about her affairs and sought legal action to keep my children from her because I am angry ”“ just the opposite occurred). But with all the information I provided, he still idolizes this woman, feels he needs to help and protect her, and that he has a right to intercede in my children’s lives with regularity. His reasoning for being involved in my issues is that his children are close with my children. He was led to believe that I harass my ex with 8-10 email or text messages to her daily, among other things. The farthest thing from the truth, a smoking gun of all the lies he has been told to create his anger and hostility towards me.

To take it a step further, my sociopath moved 1,500 miles away a couple years ago. She lost her motion to move my children away from me. She visits my children frequently in my home state and she and my children stay with this man over those weekends almost every time she visits. She has court ordered parenting time twice monthly either in my state, or when circumstances dictate, flies them 3.5 hours each way so they can spend 2-3 days at her palatial estate. The time she spends with them is all about appearances, it is about having a party with the adults and leaving the kids to fend for themselves by bringing other children over they hardly know to keep them busy. Now, this man has told me that he will moving away from his own children (11 and 13) to the city/state were my ex lives (ex lives with current boyfriend). Its all going to be a bit party. I am shocked at the influence/power my ex has over this individual, and others. He said that he has witnessed how she has maintained her close bond and relationship with my children that she abandoned, so he doesn’t see why he can’t do the same. What a todie!

Bottom line, I made an attempt to expose her to him and I had the forum to do so. He would have none of it. Those who the sociopaths influence, those who feel that the sociopath has something to give them as charming as they are, will never want to open their eyes and think anything different of those sociopaths. They gain something from that relationship, it comes in many forms what they do gain. Don’t waste your time trying to convince the supporters otherwise, it will be fruitless and you will become frustrated and angry.

I just walk away from those past relationships that she has influence over, nothing I can show these people, that I can say or do will change their attitudes about her or me. She has told a whopper of a story about me, while portraying herself as the victim and doting mother.

Rosa

AKA Bob:

I can relate to your post above. I also come from a family situation where it has proven extremely difficult, even futile, to expose the sociopath.

People don’t care about being “enlightened” unless you can show how it affects them. Even then, it’s futile.
Let’s get real, people don’t care about anything until it shows up in their own backyard.
And, EVEN THEN THEY DON”T WANT TO SEE IT!

Speaking about the sociopath in my family (my brother’s wife), I would have to be as calculating at exposing her, as she was at hooking us all in.
Some of these sociopaths go to GREAT LENGTHS to make themselves “plausible” to society.
Some, like my brother’s wife, even hide under the veil of their profession (i.e. “nurse”, “police officer”,) in order to project the image of honor and trustworthiness.
For these types of sociopaths, it will take more than a day or a conversation to crack their veneer.
These are also the ones who become most vicious when you try to expose them, I think.
And, they usually have a lot to lose, like their children, their job, their home, huge amounts of $$, etc.

I have learned you have to be very patient when you are stuck with one in the family.
Trying to expose them all at once usually leads to a “kill the messenger” situation (even if you are right), and YOU will be the messenger.

It’s really not worth it. Trying to convince someone, even if it’s a family member, does not work out the way you think it will. It really is like dealing with an addict.
And, an addict has to hit rock bottom on their own. Then, hopefully things will change.
Until then, there’s really nothing you can do.

Public awareness is a different story, though. I think it would be a huge step forward if we could just convince the general public that a psychopath is not always a crazed serial killer running around on the loose. They can also be living right next door, or sitting in the next cubicle at the office, or drawing your blood at the Dr.’s office, or cleaning your teeth at the dentist’s office, or cashing your check at the bank, etc.
It would be huge progress if we could just get this one point across, I think.

blueskies

Rosa your post is spot on. Especially the second parargraph – its so true. Even if you presented them with blinding irrefutable solid evidence of them themselves being abused they would deny it because they are in full dupee mode that is the mode the sociopath has spent its life getting people into, its a revolting expert at it, its what it does the same way it breathes. And yes, the messenger gets shot every time.

I have gone through the frustration of feeling like these behaviours needed to be exposed maybe part of my current anger is that I KNOW it’s futile. But ‘letting it go’ seems like a cop out – the best weapon is public awareness.x

Matt

Rosa:

Concur.

My aged S father and N mother are being bled dry by my conman brother. While there was one part of me that was of the school of thought of “Screw ’em. They deserve each other”, there was another pdart of me that was afraid that if he cleans them out, they are going to become my problem.

My partner told me that I shouldn’t delude myself — that my parents are perfectly aware of what my brother is doing to them. And that for whatever their reasons they are allowing it to go on. That said, there is no law that says I have to step in or get sucked in to this mess.

After the conman’s most recent stunt of blowing out my father’s credit card balances by transferring his debt onto my father and leaving my father to take the heat, I initially volunteered to run an investigation on my father’s accounts. I framed it in the context of discovering “illegal charges by charities.” My parents were reluctant. And then I realized the cold hard fact – that they know my brother is behind this. And once I uncovered this, it would be a case of “shoot the messenger.”

So, I am done paying for expensive repairs on my parents’ house. My initial thought was that I was protecting “my investment” since I’d be getting a portion of the property at the end of the day. Now I realize that any nickel I give to them is simply funneled one way or another to my conman brother. And I am damned if I’m going to finance him.

Cat

Almost 8 years ago, my ES was convicted of domestic violence. He spent some time in jail and then was on house arrest for several months. MY family posted bond and I was “evicted” from the family. Back and forth I went with this person, finally leaving another state to get rid of him. He was, and is, a drug user and that rules his life because he likes it (or else it would change) Fast forward to the past few months. Certain members of my family STILL see him as a person who is rehabilitative, he is arrested for stealing my debit card, taking it and using the money for drugs. Once again, my family is furious that I “did this to him”. They, once again, get his ass out of jail, spending hundreds of dollars needlessly. I’m the mean one again. In all of this, doubts are creeping in with my family. Jewely had previously come up missing, yet the didn’t want to point fingers. Well, gee, they had no problem pointing them at me.
Then comes the bomb: Christmas night, my family has a huge party. We open presents, have a wonderful dinner and just kind of finish off the Christmas festivities. He is invited to this. How nice and thoughtful my family members are. While everyone is having a wonderful time, he is methodically going upstairs and stealing the family jewels. Someone counted at least 4 times that he went upstairs and then went out to the car. There are even pictures of him that night, sitting there smiling and having a wonderful time! All the while, he is coldly, maliciously and without heart, systematically stealing from THE VERY PEOPLE who bailed him out.
And then the s*** hit the fan. Suddenly, their eyes are open and they see it for what IT is. It hurts. He is banned from entering anyone’s home, calling family members, the whole nine yards.
The above story points out that sometimes the best education in order that others learn is that they themselves become a victim. I cannot count the times I told them what he was and is. I cannot count the times I told him what he had done and no one believed it! What they now held in their hands was that indisputable evidence and it was painful to watch them absorb this. The good news is, I have several apologies and I now have some family support where he’s concerned.
Rosa; This is when their “enlightenment” became very important and you’re right, it wasn’t something they wanted to be bothered with until it was thrown in their face/
“Outing” one of these people is sometimes best achieved by letting them do what they do best, screwing others over. I can’t seem to find a way that I could possibly do this any other way. Believe me, I tried!
I DO believe exposing them is the quickest way to get them gone and it will definitely trigger their anger. I think that’s also why so many have shied away from exposing them. The punishment that is extracted on the person who “told” on them is brutal and I’ve had that as well.

sotired

Game Playing: I checked the links and very interesting.

In the last year since I went no contact with the ex/N/P?, we have had several brief contacts. ME wanting to make arrangements for “payment” of money I “loaned” him for a gambling debt. I had known him for 2 years and believed I knew him well enough that he would pay me back. He asked for a large sum of money and I had the money to “loan” at the time. I kept records, I gave him cash, he wrote me 3 checks ahead but guess what? Sob story from then on. He said I need more time, I lost money again. Oh, so now I find out he’s addicted to gambling but still no real reason I would ever believe it went as far as it did, that he wouldn’t pay me back. He has almost a six figure income, a good job.

This goes on and we are getting involved with each other more and more on different levels. Then he gets a DUI. So now we have what I knew was coming a DUI and Gambling problem.

Still, all along, he was going to pay me back. I believed him.

Five years I believed him and according to him I ended the “relationship” that wasn’t a relationship because he was going behind my back with another woman to an event and I found out and confronted him. I played a game. I put 2 and 2 together and told him he said some things when he was drunk. He blacked out (another big issue) so much by this time that I was willing to play him. I had had enough.

He fessed. I blew according to him and it ended. It ended for me. He thought I would keep playing and we had a meeting and he gave me “the new rules” and I said no. No I’m not willing to do any of this anymore and pay me.

He said he would. Yep, months pass.

Then I find out more than I want to post here because it’s too identifiable but he got more than ugly. I have it recorded, his admission to lies, the money, and the denial if I took him to court. How he would get his family and friends to say he needed nothing and that he would make me miserable and what a fool I would look like in court. I told him I didn’t care what I looked like. I wasn’t backing down at all. We made an arrangement at the end of the call to pay me X amount on X date.

Paid me twice after that on the agreed dates if I would just calm down, he’d pay.

Then, the best and last.

I was sick of everything out of his mouth lies. Everything. I can’t think of many sentences that contained truth. I was getting physically sick from thinking about the next time I would see him to get my money.

Then, he got worse. THE GAME WITH PLAYERS. He “had a friend” (read this as HIM) that would buy something from me. Okay, but it became obvious to me quickly who this “friend” was. I didn’t answer the phone. He made arrangements and then they would change. More and more obvious who the friend was. The last one I stomached and threw back up was when he left the following message.

Here is what he said:

I know you want to sell *blank* and I just want to let you know I really think “Joe” is going to buy. If not, Frank was willing to write a check today so if Joe doesn’t buy I know Frank is a PLAYER. I am closer to Frank than Joe and if I have to lie and tell Joe the item already sold I will because I’m closer to Frank. So, I’m sure I have at least 2 PLAYERS and maybe 3 PLAYERS. Give me a call.

Well, I was sick the entire weekend. I left a voicemail that I had sold the item. (I hadn’t but couldn’t stand the thought of dealing with him ANYMORE) because I knew he was playing me to get something for himself.

No calls followed to pay me anything. Then I called for payment. Lied to me again about no money. Truth is he lost the money gambling, well, he admitted that part.

I needed surgery and he felt bad of course he couldn’t help me out. (oh, by now I have lost my job).

No call the next month. I made a call to him and he didn’t answer but called me back and left a message to call him back. I called back but he didn’t answer.

Two weeks later (this has been 3 months ago now) I called him and told him of more serious medical problems I was facing.

I’m in the middle of this post and just can’t go on telling the nightmare.

Basically, he was devastated of my news, would call me the following week to check on me. Haven’t heard a word.

Mutual friend spoke to him 2 months later and he didn’t even ask about me. She knew what happened and didn’t bring me up…

I have a LSW I work with and still am having a horrible time moving on.

It’s getting easier but it’s a day by day struggle. It’s almost been one year since I ended it. Its been nothing but games and when he left the message that he had PLAYERS my stomach sank, my skin crawled, I knew what I was dealing with but it was getting the best of me. I couldn’t do anything but MAKE myself stay away.

I wonder everyday what happened and I have to answer myself with what I know is the truth, that I was manipulated and lied to. Doesn’t matter if he is an addict or psycho or anything I can name it, it is not healthy. Not healthy at all for me.

I feel compassion for him but I haven’t forgot what he did and I will never give him a chance again. I will get through this as I have been in two other relationships like this. I am working on ME and not looking for another man to validate me although I still long for the person I thought the ex/N/P? was. He existed for moments.

Thanks for reading if you got this far. I finally told my story and this is letting go of the relationship a little bit more.

If you’re new here all I can say is you have to do the work to stay away and the work on yourself to not let another person violate you. I lost my job because I exposed my management to HR but that’s okay with me. I was getting sick there too.

I woke up one morning a year ago and said NO MORE and I meant it. I didn’t know if I would make it this time. I was devastated more than before, lost more. Lost my job for exposing and chose to not continue a relationship.

I’m ending here as I keep writing and it makes no sense unless you’re me. Overload.

Keep no contact with people that show no respect, lie, cheat. Believe it when you see it. If there’s a pattern there’s a problem in this case. Stay away. Please stay away and get help to get through this, come here and read and believe though its difficult what you read here.

Again, thanks. I’m as my name says, sotired and need to let go of this for now.

Aeylah

It’s been months since I’ve loged in and read the articles and entries by everyone. This one in particular strikes close to home as the subject of game playing and exposing the S,P,N, which for me, it has also translated to mean exposing ME…his victim.

In my case, I’m the one whose been hiding from everyone since I took the NS back 5 months ago knowing what I was dealing with and played “the game” with the malignant optimism and hope that after cancer surgery he had miracuously recovered and this time he would be “normal” and my needs would be met. I was and continue to be vulnerable! I’ve been unempoyed now for 5 months and he came begging me back when he needed me for support for his prostate cancer. Reluctantly I took care of him, and in turn he helped me with some minor financial help. Not only did I get sucked back into emotional abuse, manipulation and control, but I’ve just about lost my house, and defenetly my dignity and self respect.

End game…. end exposure…. I’ve exposed him again and the results have been the same, his family and “friends” look the other way, blame me for being too “big mouthed” and all my friends and family can say in disbelieve is “we told you so”!

I’m in unbelievable pain again as I have been used, abused, betrayed and discarded after 3.5 years of being “the only one”. I need Oxy’s iron skillet on my head for believing this time it would be different.

There is no wining in their game and exposing them is useless because no one can believe the awful truth from someone whos is viewed as successful, intelligent, charming and personalble. So often exposing them only leads to more pain for the victim who exposes herself in the process.

HeightofConfusion

Hi Everyone.

Thanks so much for the support. I really wasn’t exspecting so much so quick.
I think to start with I have to accept that I have a lot of issues contributing to why I am happy to be in such a crappy relationship (low self esteem etc) as this is not the first time, Infact with the lack of violence in the relationship this one has is better than my previous. I am reciving help for these issues ”“ although I doubt it is doing much to be honest but at this point I am willing to try anything.
The other thing I feel I should say is that wether it’s because I am mad or just not ready I am not looking to end the relationship. I feel that he is all I have got and life pretty much wouldn’t be worth living without him. I suffer badly from depression and am just not prepared to do that to myself. I am determined to stick it out no matter what.
I also don’t think I would have to worry if I left him ”“ I honestly don’t think he cares about me enough to bother hurting me.
Things are still the same with us anyway ”“ he has been “away” for a while but is getting out in a few days and instead of looking forward to it I am now dreading it. He has pretty much made it clear that although I have done everything for him and all he has asked during the past 2 months he dosen’t want me around so much when he gets back. It always amazes me how he can jump from one extreme to another so damn quckily in the afternoon eveythings fantastic and its me and him against the world and by tea time he is screaming at me because I’m to clingy.
I guues I have just had a few realisations in the past few days of how NOT normal our relationship is, my friends all say I should be estatic at seeing him again but I’m dreading it cause I know what he will be like. They all laugh and joke at how i should “jump” him as soon as he walks in the door ”“ I laugh along but think to myslef no I will be checking everything is clean enough for him so he won’t kick off and start an arguement (surely I shouldn’t be like this at 20?)
He stresses me out so much and the sick thing he knows he does it, its like a game to him. Again just another reminder of how much he means to me and how little I mean to him.

learnthelesson

Aeylah,

Welcome back. Im sorry your journey took you away and back into the depths of a dysfunctional relationship.

Dont be too hard on yourself. Many of us find ourselves on the Psycho See-Saw, until we finally jump off on put our feet down and propel them off!!!!

We learn and grow, make bad choices and eventually the only choice we have is to make good choices to protect ourselves.

Winning = NC. Letting Go. Moving On. Focusing on ourselves no longer wasting precious time on them. You are on the right path again and THATS ALL THAT MATTERS!! Again, Im sorry for your pain and losses, but I am glad you are back and getting on the road again!

changedforever

Great article Donna

Exposing them is the only weapon we have to avoid others to be conned, manipulated and taken emotional and financial advantage by sociopaths.
I really would like to expose my ex-boyfriend, but I’m afraid if I do that on a web-site I can be accused of defamation. Even thought he doesn’t have the profile of the ones on “true love stories”, still is a sociopath with all the characteristics.
This is only a small picture of what he is:
He had LOTS of girlfriends
Had four kids with four different mothers
The biggest liar I’ve ever met
Verbally abusive
Biggest cheater “Cheated on me at least four times”
He uses his charm to get what he wants
Tried to lure me to get a mortgage over my house of $60.000 to pay for his depts. I was smart enough to refuse.
Try again to borrow money from me $12.000 to pay for his credit cards. He had five credit cards. I also refused
Declared bankruptcy and moved in with me and was living in my house for at least a year without contributing with anything. Behaving like “just his presence and sex was his contribution”
Uses and takes advantage of whoever crosses his path even his own family. There is more… much more about him”.
If God was not protecting me, today I would be the one crying with financial depts.
The emotional turmoil I’ve been going through now tells me that he is a dangerous sociopath. But he looks so NORMAL, so charming and polite and friendly, everybody loves him! How can I expose this guy without having any proof? So frustrating!!

learnthelesson

Height of confusion

“I feel that he is all I have got and life pretty much wouldn’t be worth living without him. ”

Are you saying you dont have yourself anymore? Because when you realize you control and you make your own choices you will see life through different eyes 🙂 From what you shared.. the life you are choosing to live your life with him is a bit fearful and barely functional…

You can do anything by yourself. in fact with him not around if you have been suffering from depression… you have been doing so without him around. Please dont discount that he can be adding to /causing your depression symptoms by keeping him in your life.

You deserve to make sure that YOU mean the most to yourself first and foremost. Then you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and it is not ok that you live in fear of an argument over way you clean/dont clean…or live being treated badly in any way.

You just have to decide when you’ve had enough and put all that energy you have in saving the relationship — into saving yourself and starting anew!!!

If you remove yourself from the picture and put somebody else in it – HE WOULD BE TREATING HER THE SAME WAY. ITS NOT THAT YOU “MEAN SO LITTLE TO HIM” – ITS THAT HE IS DYSFUNCTIONAL AND NOT WANTING TO CHANGE….for you or for anyone!!!!

What do YOU want for yourself? 🙂

Aeylah

learnthelesson,

Thank you so much for welcoming me back and helping me feel safe to expose myself again. I felt so embarrased to admitt that after all I know and read about these disfunctional abusive people, I knowingly let myself get sucked in again.

The “Psycho see-saw” is so hard to get off of..especially when it is a wolf in sheeps clothing and you are caught in a vulnerable cituation. You think you can “deal with them” for the time being.

My pain and agony is expanded by the fact that I still find myself un-employed and unlike other psycho’s that steal your money, this one used it as a form of manipulation to keep me hooked knowing I needed it. Nothing is worth the mental torture, the lies, the betrayl, combined with the escalating sexual abuse at the hands of someone who’s sexual addiction has been hampered by the resulting ED of a protate surgery.

I finally got off the sea-saw yesterday, and told him we were finished for ever. Of course his respond was “there will allways be “us” and this too shall pass”….I know he’ll probably be back and I know NC and letting go is the only way I can heal. In the mean time, I will try not to be too hard on myself while I weep and feel like a ton of weight is on my chest.

thanks again.
Aeylah

AKA Bob

Rosa,

You hit the nail on the head, squarely”.

People don’t care about being “enlightened” unless you can show how it affects them. Even then, it’s futile.
Let’s get real; people don’t care about anything until it shows up in their own backyard.
And, EVEN THEN THEY DON”T WANT TO SEE IT!

My ex has charmed the pants off of people, my family, friends, co-workers, her managers, etc. for years now. Of course, my family is enlightened. She shot to the top of the corporate ladder early on, had a very successful eleven year career with a global conglomerate. Hob-knobbed with one of the most infamous/notorious and ruthless CEO’s in US corporate history ”“ guess who ”“ his book title is one word, his nickname. She was making well over $500K/year when she decided to fall in love with an overseas co-worker and scheduled overseas meetings away from our family to see him. After that discovery on my part, she sought out a job relocation/transfer to a new state. She moved ahead of me and our children to the new town five months before we moved. While she was alone in the new town, she began a new relationship (her “most staunch supporter” now). Just before we all moved to join her in the new town, our friends, neighbors and her strategic management team from the office she left threw us a big going away party. Only one couple new of her first affair, and no one including me knew about her current affair. How does someone like that allow for all these people to honor her under such false pretenses? That’s not really a question.

After the move to the new town, for the first time in eleven years, she was reporting to a woman manager, the local CEO of her division. She was terminated after 18 months for non-performance. My take?… She couldn’t charm a woman boss the way she successfully did with her previous male bosses, and those subordinates were not making her look like a star. Eleven years at a stellar career, upset by one female manager. Go figure. But of course, it wasn’t my ex’s fault, her boss was just an unbearable bitch. Her boss subsequently took over as CEO at another local fortune 500 company. She really must be a horrible manager (that’s sarcasm, people in my state don’t understand sarcasm or irony).

The point is, she has been fooling everyone for years. Everyone, and I mean everyone has drunk the Kool-aid. And since I hadn’t worked for years, I am a lazy bum and she is a victim and now continues to be successful at another high powered job in another new city. These believers do not want to open their eyes. She does something for them, makes them feel good about themselves, makes them feel important, makes them feel that they are privileged to be acquainted with her, throws parties and has them over, sends baby gifts, birthday gifts and graduation gifts to their kids, and of course, dresses my kids up in Polo for the annual xmas card photo, spends a great deal of money on the card and sends it to everyone she has met since high school (250+ recipients). She is known in my family and to others who know better as “The Christmas Card Mom” (among other things, the “cowbird”)

You just can’t change people’s minds, unless they are adversely affected by them. Accept it so you don’t have the anger, so you don’t drive yourself nuts. It’s tough, I know.

Aeylah

AKA Bob and Rosa

You are so right when you say…. ” People don’t care about being “enlightened” unless you can show how it affects them. Even then, it’s futile.
Let’s get real; people don’t care about anything until it shows up in their own backyard.
And, EVEN THEN THEY DON”T WANT TO SEE IT!

The anger and pain they cause us as a result of their charm, manipulation, exploitaion and superficialness dosent always work at extacting ourselves from these people, much less anyone else. I was adversly affected 3 years ago by my ex-S and after a long period of NC and thinking I was finally over the hump, I got sucked right back in again. They are masters at getting what they want, and they will sotp with no one. Even “enlightened” people like myself who’s allready been there and done that.
My ex-S has one of his old ex-lovers so bambuzeled as well that even after she was exposed to his ruthlessness she still thinks he is so WONDERFUL and GENUINE!
Go figure.

Twice Betrayed

My X was always at least two plays ahead of everyone else.
I watched him play:
First he set the stage with his new victim [no matter who/what he intended to use them for…right down to the paper boy]…by offering them something they want/need.
2. Gain their trust from being so kind/giving/encouraging.
3.Hook them by them ‘owing’ him for his kindness [even if it’s only a few short words].
4. Pay day.
And he always worked his rebuttal out before the con went down. He knew the spin he would run if the con was exposed or he was unmasked.

*My first PX hub ‘walked’ on me and our two young children at a very young age. He wanted out of the child support and since he was a very bad influence/father regarding the children[too long to go into detail] I worked a deal with him to let him out of the child support if he would give up his visitation rights…which he had indicated to his attorney he wanted. After thirty years he was ‘forced’ to see his son which he had not seen since birth. What did he say: he began his spin, which apparently he had perfected with his family over the years, telling my son he ‘thought’ he was not his son and that was why he had not contacted him!! So….I told my son, “Ok, suppose that was so….1. Why would he not demand a paternity test? 2. What about our daughter that he has not seen in the same amount of time? My son went back with that….no response on the first question and regarding our daughter; said he was ‘forced’ into giving up his rights. Well, I figured as much, so I had kept all the attorney’s letters and one of them stated flat out that my X wanted to give up his child support rights as he wanted out [from] under the child support. Also, the divorce was granted to me on the grounds I presented. I had all of this still kept in a safety deposit box awaiting the day this would go down. I showed it to the kids and they had proof. My X’s stance: he disappeared again….NC.

AKA Bob

Aeylah,

I sometimes fight with my current wife over contact with the ex. Ultimately, she is always right (current wife). I am not to be alone in person or on the phone with my ex. We as victims are like former alcoholics, gamblers or drug abusers, they somehow can suck us back in when given an opportunity, an opening.. NC is the best defense. If you have kids, keep most contact to written communications and always have a supporter with you when you have to be in contact. Never commit to an answer on the spot, tell the S that you will get back to them, and send a well thought out email as an answer.

Rosa

AKA Bob:

“dresses my kids up in Polo for the annual Xmas card photo, spends a great deal of money on the card and sends it to everyone she has met since high school…”

My theory is that they use Christmas as a way to keep their mask firmly in place, and their veneer nice and shiny.

My sister-in-law sends out her annual “Christmas Letter”, filled with all the lies, distortion, and grandiosity you can stomach.
It’s a psychopathic literary masterpiece.
Like your ex, she sends it to everyone she knows.
She takes A LOT of pride in her “veneer”.

People in my family are starting to get wise to these Christmas letters (and her), though.
The main consensus among certain family members regarding the Christmas letter this year was (with a bewildered look on their faces), “Did you see that Christmas letter?????”

Bob, just so you know, I LOVE sarcasm!!! 🙂

Twice Betrayed

“my X wanted to give up his child support rights”
* should read visitation rights.

Sorry, my BP is up today….just found out I am salt sensitive and it’s raising my BP.

Rosa

Twice Betrayed:

“4. Pay Day”

So true….WITH INTEREST!

Twice Betrayed

Rosa: you are so correct on that one!!

AKA Bob

Grandiosity is the word. When my sister in law first noted Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I questioned it at the time. Now that time has passed and I’ve seen her unmasked for years, it so applicable. The ten traits are all there. Maybe not the criminal aspect, but maybe so we haven’t detected it yet. NPD and sociopath. They go hand in hand.

Aeylah

Rosa, Twice, Bob…..

“FOG”….Fear, Obligation, Guilt

“WIIFM”…What’s In It For Me

Just another couple of ways of summing up the 4 steps of their game.

Rosa

Aeylah:

I thought of a few more…..

“IFMW” = I Forgot My Wallet…….translates into YOU PAY!

“OMGILMC! = Oh My God, I Lost My Cell!….a cheater’s nightmare.

“DYWGJ”….Do You Wear Guess Jeans???…..My ex had an affinity for Guess Jeans back in the 80’s/90’s.
I can laugh about it now. 🙂

AKA Bob

IITBIOTC – its in the best interests of the children

Aeylah

All good ones…..been there done that …still good humor!

A few of recent ones from my ex:

URTOO = you are the only one! (all the while he’s got 2-3 other women)

MU = Miss You….he sent this to me just the other day and later admitted sending it to “10-15 women to fish for responses”

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Aeylah –

“MU = Miss You”.he sent this to me just the other day and later admitted sending it to “10-15 women to fish for responses”

well, isn’t he just a f*cking charmer.

you’d think his tongue would detach itself from his lying intent, turn black and wither.

Rosa

INST = “I Never Said That.”

Be very careful of this one, because it is gaslighting, if they really DID say it.

It is also a preview of things to come…..their willingness to throw you under the bus, and rewrite history to suit themselves.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Twice Betrayed: re your spath’s 4-part play.

girl, my blood cooled reading this. it’s simple and eloquent. I am going to start analyzing other peoples interactions with me, using this.

Towanda!

Twice Betrayed

one step: I am glad you can use it..I know I do. I see them setting the stage and I watch closely for step 2……
I think my older daughter has one ‘grooming’ her…..

one/joy_step_at_a_time

yes, the step two is where it’s at for one step, too. 😉

and i am sure the offers can be quite subtle, also.

hopeful6596

One step,

I’ve been doing that Buddhist meditation, tonglen, since you told me about it, and I feel much better. Hugs!

Hopeful~

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hopeful – YAY!!

I am really glad to hear that it has helped.

It works on complex and subtle levels; it is beautiful.

best,
one step

hopeful6596

One step,

Super freakin’ yay!! Since I was whipping myself into a tizzy all week, it definitely helped me get a grip. 🙂 Hooray! Thank you, again. I appreciated that you took the time to help when I was freaking the f**k out.

Hopeful

one/joy_step_at_a_time

well, that’s what we are here: Freaking the F**ck Out Busters!

😉

Aeylah

along with INST, I always got
“You’re making a big deal out of nothing”

lol….just after he sent me the MU (miss you) and the admition of sending it to 15 women, …..the A$*#E told me not to count on him Friday night because he had a dinner date with an ex-lover to “wright a wrong”…puke!

He said this with all the seriousness of a doctor and when I went ballistic, he told me I was “OR”=Over Reacting!

pollyannanomore

What about this one….
“You’re always dragging up ancient history.”

AND

“I’m to blame as usual” (this was said with a strong overtone of sarcasm and contempt.)

In exposing these fine citizens, I do not believe one can win the battle of public influence. They are just too good at lying and in their element in the arena of public influence, where we are not.
In my case I found evidence through a careful, extensive investigation and was able to document the forgery,insurance fraud, bigamy, co-operation for money from the real wife and children, and other bigamy cases. We searched the courts for other obscure cases and even put the fellow through a 3 hour deposition where he grew tired and slipped up and admitted under oath to Bigamy. It has taken a long time , but we now have the State bringing the case against him to remove his Insurance License and with the local DA to prosecute. Can we prove I was being poisoned with heavy metals and survived?….no, but the Motive and everything else is crystal clear and documented with paper and legal court documents. They are bringing him in on forgery and adding the bigamy etc to build up the case. I am asking for no remuneration in return and only wish to have justice served. All the authorities involved believe, he could eventually kill someone if he hasn’t already. He most definitely intended to put me out of business in my opinion and experience. I have His own signature to condemn his own self and fortunately, my case does not rest on a woman scorned or a bad relationship scenario but on court documented forgery and fraud. ( the courts absolutely LOVE paper!)
My anger comes from the fact that so many victims (there are 5 others in my case) won’t come forward to help with the case. I urge others to not just get yourself out, but to remember those who come behind you and invest yourself in warning others. Possibly you could study internet law and generate an inexpensive website. My site rescued at least one woman and her family because there was finally something negative about him when you “Goggled”.
Am I afraid…yes. Do I just want to move on and not be associated with something so negative? God,YES!, but I don’t want to get the phone call years later…”why didn’t you do something to warn others”……………I don’t think I can stop it all, but I have made it harder for him to operate and we are seeing this guy in big trouble now. I think of myself as “fighting for others who come behind me”. There will be many more………..this has been going on for a life time and no one has stood up to him in this way. How it all ends I do not know.
I do know I feel happy. I know the outcome is out of my control. I am happy because I am doing the right thing for a larger society that I am a part of. Why do people stay quiet? That is my Question. the sociopath is doing what he is supposed to do. He is what he is and functions accordingly.
I don’t understand why the others act like sheep?

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