Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
Eva
Seems you’re right, Skylar. You would like an English poet, of the Romantic period who wrote two books of antagonistic poems tittled “Songs of innocence” and “Songs of experience” or something very similar. He’s Willian Blake. Very, very good poet, though not easy for me that i’m not native English speaker.
skylar
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/11/30/no-more-narcissists-in-the-dsm-5/
here you go Eva.
I’ll keep an eye out for William Blakes works, thanks.
How goes the class with the devil?
Ox Drover
I agree that “forgiveness=acceptance”—and to me that is good enough. Not bearing the burden of anger at them, wishing them ill, just wishing DISTANCE, accepting that the love I gave didn’t come back to me and I can’t change the past, and I don’t need a crystal ball to know what the relationship will/would be in the future.
tomorrow is my P son’s 40th birthday…my goodness, what a difference a few decades make in how you feel about someone…at that time I had such great hopes, such a warm feeling about him that just enveloped my heart. That baby is gone—but even if he had grown into a man I liked and loved, he still wouldn’t be that little baby that I held.
I’ve spent most of the day cleaning house, throwing out stuff–cleansing my house but my spirit too.
Yea, One/Joy, the laughter does return, and you are making progress…dress up in that slinky black number and knock’em dead!
Eva
Thank you, Skylar.
It doesn’t say much but there are some interesting links by the posters.
I was trying to diagnose the devil bug as narcissistic, but the bug is psychopathic. He has every sympton.
I’m with his material right now. It’s full of marks. Spelling errors, hyphens that separate words incorrectly, lack of some letters, substitution of some words by draws and strange symbols….Are obviously made on purpose. You know they like doing different things.
The bug is one of those psychopaths that are into prestige, recognition and so but he’s not less psychopathic than the “romantic” psychopath.
We wants recognition but he’s a shit, as usual with these bugs.
I understand the director of the department tried to hide some laughter when the bug threatened me signing as Doctor + his name and i went to the director scared and refering to him as “Doctor + name of the bug is very mad at me”. Must be a mistery for any real intellectual in the department where the hell he got his Ph. I’m not any pure intellectual and i can see the bug is a complete pooh. A parrot, completely sterile. And they haven’t seem his material which is poor in content and full of psychopathic marks.
skylar
Eva,
they all have a facade that they wear. He must believe that his facade is real or else it will crumble. The more people believe in his facade, the better he will feel. Try to act like you believe his lie. Maybe you can force yourself to believe it too, just for a little while to make your acting job easier.
skylar
Regarding forgiveness, it isn’t so much the fact that one evil person treated me so badly which bothers me. It is finding out that there are so many people with black hearts. It really puts a damper on my life, steals my joy and generally takes the wind out of my sails. It’s so oppressive to know they are everywhere.
Eva
Skylar,
i’m doing that: being rather nice, pleasant, etc. But i’m afraid of overacting. Maybe he’s not so idiot and could realize i’m faking.
Yes, i’m acting like i believe his lie..but really….i see him so ridiculous hehehe. But being objective, it is not funny because the bug it’s bad and is after me.
Eva
Skylar, I feel exactly the same, that not only psychopaths but, regretably, too many people are rather sordid. And seems there’s just one option for us: being strong and working for a well-being or happiness that depends mostly on ourselves. As Oxy says. And i think she’s right on that point.
skylar
Yes Eva, I’m trying and I know I can do it, I just don’t have the enthusiasm for it. I remember when I used to.
The only other advice to give you about your teacher is to think like a spath thinks. They believe their own lies because they will “anchor” the lie with a kernal of truth, then they create a reality to support the lie, using more lies and props to “prove” that the lie is real.
If you can do that, just for this purpose, your lies will be more believable. For example, never speak badly about your teacher. A real spath would go around telling everyone how much she loved her teacher, then murder him in his sleep. That’s why no one would ever suspect her. Not saying to murder him, just saying that they play the 180 degree rule on everything. As LL says: Flip it. Lie like a dog!
Eva
Skylar, because we’re in the wisdom phase the enthusiasm has changed. It must be another type of enthusiasm, but surely it must be there and it will show up.
😀 I’ll beome an actress, yes. That’s what makes me laugh. Though i have to improve my acting skills, which are the poor ones very rusty due to my rebelious nature. But i’ll be actess. Let’s hope the psycho doesn’t think a paranormal phenomenon has happened.