Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
timeheals –
I used to sit along the sidelines in class too….scared (not all women who love pyschopaths are extroverts). I’m glad you survived and are back here to share at LoveFraud.
Welcome 🙂
hopeful – there is a buddhist mediation called tonglen – giving and taking.
it might be helpful if you want to give it a try:
you start by thinking for a few moments about something that expands your heart in a big way (for me it is my long gone kitty) – until you actually feel a little lightness or openness in your chest;
now give attention to this horrid feeling of having been devalued and discarded – do this for a few moments, until you can feel it with you;
breath into your heart, and know that your heart can transform this horrid feeling through its capacity (don’t’ try’ to transform it, just do a little experiment – just breath) breathing in your own pain deeply and breathing it out as something positive – light, or happiness, or a wish for healing, etc.;
then after doing this for only a few moments, know that there are others on your very block feeling the same thing you are. breath in their pain, with complete confidence that your heart has the capacity to transform their pain, breath it in deeply and breath out your wish for them;
extend this exercise to the people on the other side of town;
to the city limits…you get the drift;
and extend it to her – because she WILL be where you are, and this exercise knows no bounds of time – so the future and the past are fair game;
when you have done each step (and just long enough to feel it, and move on to the next), have given your best wishes for everyone, bring your attention back to yourself, and breath a few moments more;
wish that all beings benefit from what you have done;
sit and be with yourself.
best, one step
One Step,
I love that, and I’m going to try it a little bit later when I am getting ready to wind down. That’s beautiful. Thanks so much for your support!
Hopeful~
hey, hopeful – you are welcome. I am glad it looks interesting!
hopeful6596 I know EXACTLY how you feel…what finally did it for me and my exP was knowing that he wouldn’t commit to me, yet I was good enough for sex…and then he starts a relationship with a new woman…sleeps with BOTH of us on the same weekend mind you…and I’m sure he planned on continuing to do so, if he thought neither of us would find out about the other. Of course that was it for me, as I found out, having suspicions anyway…and within 2 weeks he brings her to meet the family as someone he’s crazy in love with! We had been together almost 3 yrs, and he kept saying he was “getting there”…just couldn’t fall in love because of past hurts. Now they are living together and at first it hurt a lot…but you have to know something…Psychopaths are never REALLY HAPPY..it’s all part of the game…everyone serves a purpose to them…a source of supply for something they want…sex, power over another…control. I used to feel so bad and think “why couldn’t he just say “I love you”…what’s wrong with me, that I’m not good enough for him? Why did he fall for her so easily? Well, maybe he knows she’s an easier target now that I’ve been suspicious for so long…she has money…he simply got bored and needs a new game…WHATEVER…it doesn’t really matter! EVERYTHING he says is a lie just like your P/S…he lied to you and he will to her…and right now I’m thanking God that I never did hear those 3 little words or I would have been taken in even deeper than I was…maybe married to the jerk. These men are dangerous and the more you read, the more you will see the potential they have for ruining your life if you try to keep any type of relationship with them.
Hang in there…keep reading…and writing…we’ve all been in your shoes …hugs
lightsaber…thank-you thank-you
Hopeforfuteure,
I tried to warn the next victim down the road, and she would not listen, surprise! They have to find out for themselves, and I tell you now, they will. it might take some time, but they will. It has been 6 months almost to the day and they are broken up. She’s still friends with him, probably because he gave her the” you will always be special” BS and she’s probably willing to be hoovered back into the relationship. My feeling is, he already has someone else on the take, so to say. She’ll learn, poor her when she does. Just try to put it past you. Work on helping yourself get through this, and you will. You cannot fix everything with them, there is no way. Move on and forget about them.
Timeheals:
Thank you so much, too. That’s why I am here. Because everybody here has gone through the same thing. And I don’t think there is anyone here or anywhere that has been involved with a true SPath, and has any story that they ever really changed. I do know that is just isn’t possible…and yet….you know the drill. For some reason, it’s especially hard tonight. Thank you, again. I appreciate it
I am so tired of the abuse I recieved from my sociopath defining who I am, but it does. It takes a long time to heal, and no one really understands that hasn’t experience a p/s abuse. I have CPTSD, from almost 3 yrs of being exposed to his lies, and forgiving over and over again… thinking it was ME that was messed up… and then finally coming to grips that he didn’t care if I lived or died.
To reduce the triggers in my every day life that cause terrible flashbacks and suicidal thoughts, I’m having to find a new job, and have given up some groups and hobbies I really loved. All in the attempt to rid myself of the nightmares and daymares.
I too have thoughts of revenge and hope he dies a terrible death that will expose him to the world I have known as the sociopath he really is. But I’m realistic… like the song says, only the GOOD die young, and HE IS NOT!
He took me from a good marriage that was just going through a tough spot. After all, that’s what sociopaths do well, spot someone when they are weak and hurting. My ex remarried on the rebound just a few months later, so there is NO going back. I have remarried, and though there is no romance in the marriage, he really is the friend that the ex s/p pretended to be. I find I have created a SAFE place in his home to try and rest as I slowly heal. Still, even this new life is defined by what the sociopath did to me. I am painfully aware that I would not be here, in this house, or in the position at work, if it wasn’t for what the sociopath did to me, and the many MANY people who have chosed to believe HIM, because the TRUTH is too painful, or simply doesn’t play into what they WANT!!!
I get some relief. I don’t think of my hatred, or my pain 24/7 any more, but every day, some part of the day I will start crying because my life is a shaddow of what it once was. Or simply cry because I used to trust people and I don’t any more. Or cry because I don’t know who I am any more. Maybe the worse is knowing that I can go back to my old job because I would be forced to watch the sociopath prey on other inocent women, and because I have refused I am marked as a trouble maker, and have no future there.
Do you know how hard it is to be labled a trouble maker, when you have been a peace maker your whole life? There are half a dozen women in that office that he has abused, and used, but I’m the only one that had a nervous break down that in time turned into CPTSD.
Some times I wonder if I will carry this neon sign as long as I live, that says, “my life was ruined by the one I loved the most!” I am scared, and yet struggling to make some kind of life I can look forward to. The flash backs and nightmares are the worse, because you can’t really control them.
I have found my “version” of forgiveness for my sociopath, but it’s not really so much forgiveness as understanding his illeness. He is a sociopath, therefore since that IS WHAT AND WHO he is, what he did to me was mild. There are others he did worse to, so the fact that I was so easy to take advantage of, and he restrained himself even a little, is something I supose.
I will not truly forgive him ever… and that in itself is something someone who has always had a big heart and able to forgive, is hard to do and painful it its own way.
He is a sociopath… and if he hadn’t been raised by his father to feed of the good will of women around him, he might have chosen to be the next Ted Bundy… It could have been worse, I might have actually killed myself, one of those times I tried when I was with him.
I am so ready to be freed from the nightmare he brought into my life, but every day, and every moment, I remember I am HERE and not the trusting soul I once was, and that I will never have the life back that he stole from me. I can build a new life, and I’m working on that… but nothing will ever replace the life that I had.
I can get a new job, or so I hope, so that I will not have to watch him victimize others with managaments protection if not approval, but it will always be the job I got because I HAD TO to stay sain, and not because I had ever wanted to move on.
I simply wonder every day… will who I am NOW ever be who I want to be, or will I always be defined by the devistation he did to my life, and to my heart?
Amen timeheals, he did say he loved me but the words were lacking! Other than that, same story!.
love your blog, Sherry!