Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
aussiegirl
Kim –
We have a whaling museum at the old whaling station in the south of the state where I live. I can’t recall the exact date that they stopped killing whales there, but I think it might have been as late as the 70’s, as one of the films they show is in gorey colour…..
I find the whole concept of hunting such intelligent, gentle creatures, mindnumbingly disgusting. I cried watching the film – and then I remembered having been made to watch the same (or a similar) film as a young child at school, for some stupid Social Studies project. I cried then too.
(BTW – if you want me to send you the book, you need to tell Donna it’s okay for me to have your postal address or your email address so that I can get it from you and post it)
kim frederick
Aussie, I’m not computer saavy at all. How do I contact Donna? It’s embarrassing to me to be so behind on technology.
aussiegirl
Kim –
You just send a new email to donna@lovefraud.com
And don’t be embarrassed you silly sausage! The only people who are REALLY techo-heads are the ones who have to use computers for their work; the rest of us just have to buble through somehow.
You would have been sent a “welcome” email from Donna when you first joined Lovefraud as a registered user; if you haven’t deleted it, you could use the same email to contact her by opening it and then clicking on “reply” and typing your email.
If it all goes to hell in a hand-basket, someone here will talk you through it one step at a time! : )
skylar
Morning Kim,
donna’s email address is just
donna@lovefraud.com
I have a question for you.
Do you think it’s a problem for you to see LL venting her issuses here? I mean does it trigger you in a bad sense or does the trigger help you to think about your own issues and further resolve them?
I can sometimes be obtuse, but for me, her issues don’t have a negative impact. I appreciate her introspection, because it reminds me to examine my own scandal and what is tripping me up.
I have several you know and even with BF, I can see that I’m repeating old cycles, which is OK, UNTIL I get absorbed in the cycle and forget I’m in that cycle and then the drama becomes real. Not sure I’ve explained it right. I mean that re-experiencing my scandal is OK as long as I stay objective and watch it happen and analyze it. It is only a bad thing when I get caught up in it, emotionally because that serves no purpose.
About whales and dolphins: there are many recorded incidents of them showing compassion for humans. I love them too. They are the opposite of spaths.
aussiegirl
Sky –
I don’t think I get triggered by anyone’s posts – but then, I am a fair way along in my recovery, so perhaps it depends on that? Or upon personality?
I just really think that as much as we have been able to get a “sense” of who one another are in this forum, it can never replace face-to-face contact for comprehensive understanding. All those non-verbal cues that are absent in cyber-space; and top of that, even our language is missing parts of the verbal cues, such as tone of voice, pace of speaking, etc.
It’s just way too easy to misread, misunderstand and misinterpret. That’s why I ALWAYS assume the best until corrected. It’s safest that way; for me, anyhow.
So – you guys are wishing each other good morning and I’m looking at the clock and thinking that it’s way past this little old lady’s bedtime! It’s after 11 pm here, so I’m signing off! Goodnight (or good day, depending wherever you all are in the world) and sweet dreams (or alternatively, happy days) to you all. xx
kim frederick
Ok, Aussie, I think I succeeded in sending E-mail to Donna. Keep your eyes open for my address.
skylar
good day/nite Aussiegirl!
kim frederick
Ummmm, both, I think, Skylar. It triggers old feelings of betrayal, and sadness, rejection, inferiority, resentment, and all the other negative stuff I’d rather not feel, but, to an extent, I think it’s healing. It depends on what I do with it. I don’t want to get sucked into a vortex that I can’t get out of. I think it’s important to share with ya’ll what’s going on with me, and listen to your objective feed-back.
What would be bad for me, though would be to keep obsessing about the trauma…that reinforces trauma…it doesn’t heal trauma.
I know that’s vague, but it’s hard to describe what I mean.
Claudia
Sky, Kim and Aussie, I agree with your messages: it’s easy to misunderstand things in online communication (I did that too, even though I didn’t mean to). But hopefully all the misunderstandings can be clarified and patched up. Because we’re on the same side here, to heal from the harmful psychopathic bonds.
Oxy, I hope you in particular won’t stay upset about the misunderstanding yesterday. The way I see it, you’re the heart and soul of lovefraud.com. Donna was visionary, kind and competent enough to provide an interactive forum for victims of psychopaths. The experts here offer the invaluable clinical perspectives in clear and concise ways, not with a lot of unnecessary mumbo jumbo like in technical journals. Lovefraud has some of the best experts on this subject, internationally.
But you, Oxy, run this forum, in the best sense of the term: you welcome the newcomers; you offer compassion and support to all those who need it; you devote a lot of your time and emotional energy to help people recover from their harmful relationships with psychopaths. I think everybody here, including LL, needs you on their side. I just hope that everyone can remain on good terms and supportive of one another. The only bad guys are the psychopaths.
Eva
Claudia… the psychopaths and other bad bugs, like narcissistics.