Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
Yes Oxy,
By the time I realized what was going on was also damaging to my child (My abusive husband was so loving to her, I didn’t realize it was to make her his ally so she’d reject her mother – me – and thus SHE’d be self-isolated and without MY support, vulnerable to his mindfarking control). Luckily, I did have a therapist with a sense of humor, who said “once she’d put herself out of a job with me, there was always the next generation! SO my daughter had a great support person, which she ended up not needing.
Although I accepted my part in what happened to my daughter, there’s so much that is a carpshoot that even kids with perfect mothers can end up with angst and needing help to put things into perspective. Learning to forgive myself has been VERY difficult, and would have been easier if my daughter would BLAME ME but darn it, she just accepts me and says that’s the way it WAS, not the way it IS.
And yes, like you Self responsibility means I control myself and what I THINK, so if I want a good day… that’s mostly up to me. And there’s ALWAYS a reason for a good day.
Hope ya’ll celebrated Pi Day yesterday (~3.14) Mine was yummy.
LL, Even though you asked me to gray rock…
You keep asking WHY, why did the various spaths do that to you? What you are really asking is what was their motive. NO ONE can answer that (other than they did it b/c they are spaths, like why does a a scorpion sting? B/c it’s a scorpion…). Trying to undertand the motives of a disordered person is CRAZYMAKING.
More productive to ask yourself what YOU think, and if it’s not an emotionally healthy answer, retool your thinking (some retooling requires the help of a therapist).
Katy, well, at least your daughter came out of the situation without being too bent up by it…so you have that to be grateful for!
Oxy, Yeah but not without a lot of years of actively hating me, which hurt me far more than anything my spath did to me. It was the Army that got her head straight. She learned from others that mom was VERY suppportive, that Values and Character matters, and that she is rewarded and valued for WHO SHE IS- something her dad can NEVER take from her.
Katy and LL,
that question is what I’m working on right now. it may never be answered but I’m devoting all my brain power to it. (when I should be working!! argh!!)
Kim,
AHA! I hadn’t gotten to the prelinguistic stuff.
why oh why do I have to be busy doing other stuff when such a good conversation is going on at LF??
gotta sign off or my goose is cooked. ‘m behind on everthing.
Katy, I just have to respond again to you.
LL isn’t asking about their motives, she is asking what is it about HER that made her a target?
She is asking the same question again: what is wrong with ME!
It’s what we all ask, do we limp? do we have a red sign on our foreheads that says: supply?
Skylar,
this is an interesting subject. I wonder the same. But in my case after they have tested i’m not good supply they attack me. It has happened to me with both men and women.
I must have some red sign, too, i think.
Hi Katy,
My son is at work right now. He’s my fun loving child, proactive about everything and has more awareness than Carter has pills, given his experiences. He has anxiety issues. He’s always trying to find a way to resolve them, or to at least dumb them down a bit so he can effectively DEAL with it. Remember the Rubiks Cube? Most know what it is, so I’ll assume you do as well, anyway, he just posted on facebook (during his lunch break), that he’s busy trying to figure out this Rubik’s cube. He takes it wherever he goes. His determination is fascinating and admirable. He does it because he loves the challenge and it helps him deal with his anxiety. It’s important for him to get it “right” to “understand” it, and while doing so, he learns more about himself and his anxiety. Why is this so fascinating? BECAUSE MY SON IS COLOR BLIND!!!! It’s important TO HIM to try to IDENTIFY what the colors are, or at least to accomplish this goal FOR HIMSELF in a way that he can be OKAY with his anxiety, as well as challenge himself to identify and understand what color is which, even though he will NEVER be able to actually SEE the real color. It will be interesting to see if he can accomplish this goal FOR HIMSELF.
This is how it is for me right now. And I agree with Skylar (AGAIN), in that I’m asking what made me a target for the spaths. Yep, what is wrong with me. Because I grew up with NOTHING BUT spaths, I find myself, much like my son, Rubiks cube in hand, trying to figure it out, to IDENTIFY what the colors are, even though I don’t which color is which.
I just wish I could do it with as much humor as my son does and with as much creativity. I’m determined to get the answers that will work best FOR ME. I’ll keep asking questions and searching until I do.
LL
((((((((((( SKy )))))))))))))))))
I appreciate the time you’ve taken out of your work and your day to post. Your wisdom is amazing, as usual! I’m learning so much from your own sharing with introspection.
I hope this turns out well for you!
LL
Eva/Skylar
Truth is EVERY good person has a “kick me” sign on them. Only the aggressive acting people have a “don’t mess with me” sign.
The dif regarding kick me signs? Emotionally healthy people have boundries and response patterns that disarm intrusions into their personal space.