Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
Okay LL, It’s just wording the query from the other side of the same coin. The answer is the same. NOTHING made you their target except you were in their sphere of accessibility. They picked you b/c they are spaths. A scorpion stings what is in it’s sphere/it’s accessible, and choses its victim b/c it is a scorpion.
People who are NOT spaths don’t do that no matter who or where you are, it’s just does not occur in their thinking to be that way with another.
Katy,
i know what you say is true but besides aggressive people i’ve faced hypocritical people that have attacked me because of envy. And i really wonder what the hell they envy from me. I have no cash, i’m not so young any more, i’m rather insecure, i’m not specially clever, i’m not competitive. Though it’s true i can be a bit too critical sometimes and use a bit too crude humour. These must be the reasons for attacking…i suppose.
Whatever the reasons i’ve become more individualistic and distrustful.
Eva, maybe they envy your joie de vivre and great sense of humor. You’ve made me smile so many times. Like, in the middle of a misunderstanding you provided some comic relief by asking: what about my problems? I can’t find a stud who’s not a spath! Isn’t that a big problem? :).
Katy,
That is an answer you’re comfortable with, probably through much processing. I doubt that you arrived at that answer without processing your situation FIRST.
This is where I’m at. The search for answers within as well as what spaths do and did, means I need to find answers, through processing, for MYSELF. What works for one, may not for another. Educating myself further while also journaling about it, is something I”ve been finding helpful to me, as well as those such as Sky, who impart wisdom, insight and understanding in having had a background in this. I think it’s safe to say that we all come to an understanding of our experiences in different ways and different times.
I”m choosing to respect my process, BELIEVING the answers will come that I can live with, FOR ME, according to what were/are my circumstances.
LL
😀 that’s because sometimes i say crazy things aloud but i’m usually serious, even too much. I think some people get an image from me and when i say madness or atrocities they get shocked. But the envy has no sense…
Claudia, seriously, lack of decent studs is a problem and a social injustice.
Claudia,
I think with just about anyone here, it wouldn’t be too tough to find something for them to be envious of. 🙂 Just a guess.
LL
Eva
ROFLOL!!!!
I think Katy is right to one extent, a rattle snake strikes what comes into its radius….if you are away from it, not near it, it will not strike, but if you approach too closely it will strike. They also have HEAT SENSORS ON THEIR FACE, PITS, that is why they are called PIT vipers. If you put a balloon up to them that is filled with hot air they strike it, if it is filled with COLD air, they will NOT strike it….so the heat that your body gives off is a thing that they pick up on as a place to strike.
Psychopaths have some sort of SENSOR detection ability for deciding which person in their environment is the most likely to be a good prey. The same way a pride of lions can pick out the ONE ANTELOPE IN A HERD OF 1,000 that is running a fever that day or that is sick, or has a thorn in its foot and is more likely to be easier prey…because of SOMETHING about us that sends off a signal that we are easier prey, they hone in on us, like the lion making a dash at the herd not trying to kill anything just to see the antelope run so she can pick out which one runs the slowest. Then she hones in on THAT one for the stalk and the kill.
Maybe what slows each of us down is different, different from Kim to me, to LL to Sky, to Donna etc. it doesn’t matter if it slows us down, that is why I think EACH of us must decide what is making her/him run slower and correct that so that we won’t stick out from the herd any more, we will be able to identify the predator from a DISTANCE and keep out of its territory, and if we are in its territory we don’t fall for a pity play, or a love bomb or anything else that might bring us close enough for an attack.
Now that we know enough about how and where they attack and what they look and act like that we can spot the MOST obvious predators—ex-convicts, drug addicts, drunks, people who won’t work, people who are dishonest, people who are unkind, etc….now we can focus on ourselves and building up our strengths and instincts and our ability to take ourselves out of the territory of psychopaths.
😀 Yeah i’m laughing myself at my own stupidities.
You see i’m renegade, i don’t understand the envy. I have many problems too. The lack of studs is a serious one.
LL,
I think like me, you were so indoctrinated into the mindset that you deserved abuse b/c SOMETHING about you drove them into their behavior and you are trying to find out what that deficiency is. I think like me, you believe if you can identify what it is, you can change it or control it so you can stop THEIR behavior. They SCAPEGOATED you at a time when you had NO frame of reference. And like all children, you internalized it.
The problem is, YOU weren’t bad or wrong or deficient. You were a normal kid. So there is NOTHING for you to identify. What you are left with is THEIR dysfunction, b/c GOOD people don’t do what they did.
Ultimately what you develop is the skill to establish boundries so that dysfuntional jerks are stopped by your auto-response pattern… or for those times you do get fooled, you remain grounded in your values so you quickly recover from ATTEMPTED personal intrustions (resilience).