Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
Sky
Good Luck! Talk more later, I have errands to run and a letter to get finished.
LL
Next step:
For those whose siblings were “golden” child… How did they turn out? Are they emotionally healthy? People of integrity? Honorable? Healthy boundries? I HAVEN’T known one yet. Gotta be an exception somewhere….statistics say there is alien life. Same statistics law says exceptions exist.
My sister thought ME the golden child. I wasn’t. I was merely the one so neglected that my mother often forgot she locked me in the doghouse. But I DO attribute that neglect as to why I grew up NOT spath.
Katy
the golden children are both spaths. The scapegoat is still a scapegoat and the one they left alone is the only healthy one.
But yes, Katy, lack of attention made me less narcissistic too. The golden child gets rewarded for being a narcissist and never learns any other way to be.
Katy,
I don’t have contact with ANY Of bio fam anymore. BUT, last time I saw my sister (it’s been about four years now), she was raising her four children, (two twins too), on a nice piece of property in the Central part of our state. Healthy boundaries? That’s subjective. Does she go around spathing everyone? No. In fact, she’s a bit paranoid of others, with the exception of those who share her pushy agenda with her children, particularly the oldest. I personally can’t stand the bitch, I can tolerate her for approximately two and a half hours (yes, I’ve tested that), she has great wit. Other than that, no, it gets old fast. When she would ask about me and/or my children, it was quite superficial. NOt a real genuine exchange.. not sure that isolation is limited to those that are healthy, excuse me, wrong phrasing, I don’t necessarily think that having a few friends means one is healthy. My sister had one or two, at best. The rest business acquaintances, of course, she shares a close relationshit (executor of my father’s will) with spath daddy. As she does with spath bro, whom of course will share in the lot. In my fam, it was about business, salesmanship and MONEY. LOTS of STUFF!
I guess I sound a bit envious and angry. I think I am, by gum!
I’m sure you didn’t request these details, however, this was my last observation. I’m sure she’s far less obviously spath than others. My family was big on image and spath sis caught on early….
Maybe I should send her some lilies….what do you think? 🙂
Sky, I totally agree with that. I’m narcissistic too.
The problem is, that makes me no better than any of my spaths.
LL
Hey everyone!
As usual, I’ve hit a little bit of a downswing (and I’ve come to expect them, so they’re not as bad anymore!). The doubts I’m forming in my mind don’t even make sense– I’m making more excuses for him.
I keep wondering, maybe he sent that original email asking for DVDs back because he secretly wanted to talk again? I wonder if maybe I had been kinder in my response, he would have been kinder too. I wonder if he wouldn’t have called me bitter, for being short and direct with him. I wasn’t rude, but I told him he could come get the DVD’s himself.
But then I know I’m being stupid, because I sent the brand new DVDs to him and he never even responded. Then I wonder if it is because I hurt his feelings (as he said later), even though I’m not sure at all how I ever did anything to hurt his feelings. But I’m just wondering from his perspective if maybe things were different?
And finally, I wonder what if I had accepted his big, grand apology about being the “worst person in the world” when he wanted to know the name of his skin condition? Maybe he would have been kind back to me? The reason I finally snapped and told him to screw off was because I got the feeling (after the denied attempts to apologize to HIM, and the ignored DVDs, and the many different personalities he presented to me to get his way) that he was being fake and only talking to me / apologizing, in order to get the name of the disease, and for no other reason.
So when I told him he was full of crap, I wonder if maybe he would have responded differently if I was just nice to him. I’d always been nice to him in the relationship, but I found it harder to when he kept being so rude to me and projecting ridiculous things on me (like calling me bitter, or telling me I hurt his feelings). It was like he was preemptively invalidating & minimizing my feelings.
But what if I had just said: “Thanks so much for the apology, it means so much to me, here’s the name of your disease.”?
I guess I keep wondering that, because it’s honestly what I would have done for any other human being in a second. There is just something about him that my heart refuses to believe, and finally blurts out those responses, even if my mind doesn’t want to. Calling him full of crap was a very impulsive decision, but something in my heart felt that I was being used (again). I feel that I was correct, especially when he called me crazy & bipolar.
But I guess I’ll always wonder, what if I had just backed down a bit and been less guarded?
Sorry for sharing this setback, I know it’ll go away by tomorrow, but dang I hate when these happen!!
Thanks all 🙂
New Winter,
Stick with the original thought process and your intuition (which is quite good incidentally), he’s a spath. Reread your post and what you felt he was doing to you. You were accurate! You owe him NOTHING sweetheart, you already GAVE more than you needed to with your heart. Give him no more. You deserve better and you absolutely did the right thing. Look at what happened when you sent the DVD’s back. You would have received the same response with anything else. He was playing mindeffing games with you.
Your free. Let it go. He’s spath. And there is NO WAY you could fix that.
HUGS!!
LL
PS, New winter!
I understand how you feel. I get stuck in rut sometimes too lol 🙂
It’s apart of the process, never apologize for how you feel or getting stuck there from time to time.
LL
Thank you so much LL,
That was all I needed to hear. Now I can get out there and have a nice evening with my visiting friend 🙂 It’s so weird how one validating post can help so much. I even know how stupid I sound defending his sorry ass when I post. I know I went above and beyond to try to make things right, and he just kept tearing me down and trying to make me take the blame for his cheating on me. I won’t put up with those thoughts anymore. All of these self-doubts are bad feelings lingering from his toxic lies months ago.
Thank you again 🙂 I think I just needed to think aloud and hear someone tell me to let it go.
LL,
It’s funny how the tides can turn so quickly, but it’s wonderful to know that when I’m down, I’ll have a friend who’s there to bring me to my senses. Even yesterday after such a good mood, I read your post and wanted you to feel better, and thought I’d feel my good mood forever. Well then it just goes and disappears on me, but there you are to provide the exact same help for me one day later 🙂
Thank you!!