Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
New Winter, I second that! You’re a wonderful person and that guy was a spath. You’re doing so many constructive things with your life and your future looks very bright. And you’ll find real love, for sure, because you deserve it and because now you know how to watch out for the toxic ones out there.
New Winter **HUGS**
I”m better at giving that advice than taking it lol! It’s ok. You will have some minor setbacks, but just a little nudge and you’re going to be just fine. It’s okay to check in and share like that. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed to keep moving forward.
Remember New Winter: POOH BEAR 🙂
LL
new winter – your in that bargaining phase – what if – could of should of would of – that is normal…just remember – once a cheater always a cheater – but I want to say to you – that in the beginning it is all about them and end’s up being more about us – so look at this experience as a Life Lesson and learn from it – look inward….
New Winter,
There are two words that Hens shared with you that are REALLY important to remember:
LOOK INWARD! It’s hard, but to avoid another relationshit, it must be done.
You’re so young, very intelligent and have an obvious love of life. SLOOOOOOW DOWN a bit though, when it comes to any new relationshits and THINK about the consequences. Remember, if you jump into another relationshit to try to avoid the pain of the last, it WILL be a disaster.
I say this WITH LOVE. 🙂
LL
New Winter –
” I guess I’ll always wonder, what if I had just backed down a bit and been less guarded?”
If you had, then you would have been strung along for even longer, you would have suffered more pain and betrayal than you have already and you would have had an even more difficult time cutting it out of your life. THAT’S the answer to your musings….
If they were NORMAL people that we were in a relationship with, then we would be RIGHT to question the way that we do; it would be a natural process. We need to remember that they are NOT NORMAL, we have RELATIONSHITS with them (not relationshiPs), the usual rules do not apply and it is impossible and futile to attempt to debrief ourselves based on the NON-relationship we were just in. The parameters are way too different from everything we have ever learned and know.
It takes a complete mind-shift to come to terms with “what happened?” and “why it happened?” and “who did what?” It’s like we need to take our brains right out of the top of our heads, give them a 180 degree twist and then reinsert them. The NORMAL just does not apply to spaths and no amount of thinking it over, debating it or reasoning will make it apply.
Spath is spath. End of story.
New Winter.
Aussie is right. It was partly my “wondering” in the way that you are, that kept me in the relationshit as long as I was. BELIEVE ME, that was a MOST regrettable decision that I can’t take back.
Here’s YOUR opportunity!
LL
Wow, so many fascinating comments on this thread in the last couple of days!
Kim F, loved what you posted about the “right whales.”
Sky, I am especially intrigued by your post that spaths target those who possess childlike qualities. This makes a lot of sense to me, I am short and look younger than I am, and the spath even once remarked about my “little girl voice.” (Which is not my work voice.) Also, I think not being a parent at my age, there is something “not grown up” about me. A good friend refers to me and other single, childless friends as “overgrown teenagers.” Yes, there is something carefree about our lives, we do have responsibilities but mostly just to take care of ourselves. And yes also to transparent emotions. I never thought that my best qualities (honesty, loyalty, LOVE, etc.) would prove to be my downfall – temporarily, at least I hope they are not gone for good…
Valley Girl,
yes, I know what you mean. I also look sort of young. And one day I found a hummingbird nest and the spath decided to make a video of it, with me in the video pointing it out. Later when I watched it, I couldn’t believe my voice. I sounded like a 4 year old with a baby voice and and demeanor! That is NOT how I percieve myself. But I think the spath brought out that aspect of me, which must not be buried too deeply I guess. In fact, one of his friends told me I seemed to be submissive to him. I never thought I was that. I WAS extremely loyal because that is how I am (was) with my friends and family. And I DID allow him to lie blatantly because it seemed easier than fighting a hundred times a day. He lies that often.
One of the many reasons I began thinking about spaths and children is because a few months ago there was a rash of mass murdes in China, where some spaths would freak out and attack/kill several school children with knives then commit suicide. This happened several times, out of the blue and people were asking why? why 7 yearold or 8 year old children?
Of course there are so many other connections with spaths and childhood. There are also connections with spaths and authority. If you convince them that you have authority, they brown nose you. They all do it. They are cookie cutter replicas. To them, brown nosing is as normal as breathing, eating, lying, cheating, slandering and being a parasite.
That is one reason gray rock works. If they see you as childlike, emotional or unstable, you’ve been brought down to their level and now you are prey. As long as you assume an air of authority and adulthood, they won’t mess with you. They are cowards.
LL ~
I have a sign in my kitchen that reads “Take my advice…I dont’ use it anyway!”
BTW, I went and saw an atty and Im am filing a lawsuit against my Spath to get my money back. She is including in the papers that he is NOT to contact me and only thru my lawyer. I told my therapist that this is the last hurdle for me in regards to the spath. Once I have the money he owes me he will be but a “bad” memory of the past. I am living in the present and that is very rewarding. I have taken control over my life.
Oh and i went to the store over the weekend and I saw his vehicle in the parking lot. I was able to go into the store, shop without scanning the store and FELT NO FEAR. It was refreshing. I held my head high and walked with confidence.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. It has been a long internal fight, but as my therapist said, he CANNOT control you. Only you can control you, your feelings and your reactions to situations.
Sky,
There are also connections with spaths and authority. If you convince them that you have authority, they brown nose you. They all do it. They are cookie cutter replicas. To them, brown nosing is as normal as breathing, eating, lying, cheating, slandering and being a parasite.
This is a FASCINATING observation, and I saw this with my last spath who appeared to be afraid of his wife. Can you elaborate a bit on what you mean? I never saw that with me though.
What is the “authority” thing with them? I see that he hated those of authority more, or that he perceived had authority, almost as a parent for him…weird…
LL