Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
Shnoodles!
Good to see you again! I love your quote you have on your refrigerator and it’s SO TRUE lol!
I SO want to be there, Schnoodles! Good for you with the store run!!! I still dread it, although I force myself to go now, even alone, and I try to mentally prepared for what I might see. I’m very cautious however about the times of the day that I venture out because he works in my town. Before new gf. I saw him A LOT around town. Since then, not so much. I’m hoping that he’s so into her, that he just doesn’t bother anymore.
LL
Good morning LL,
there was a study done after WWII by a psychiatrist who wanted to study hitlers henchmen before they went to trail. It was about that. I’ll see if I can find a link again.
Sky,
Good morning and thank you! I’d really like to read it!
LL
Skylar,
You got me thinking when you wrote “do I have a limp?”
Well, while showering this morning I was thinking about it, and this is what I came up with.
Virgo’s true ruler is Vulcan, the lame god. He has a limp. I’m a virgo that’s why I thought of it. I also had childhood rheumatioid arthritis thru my teen years and was on crutches for two years. My left knee is weak, but I don’t have a limp. My deceased twin had broken her ankle and it did not heal correctly, she had a limp & cane.
Don’t know where I’m going with this!
My spath friend hated women and authority. But you are correct, she was a big brown nose to get what she wanted, or to look better than someone else in the eyes of the boss.
Your post’s hit me everytime and get me thinkin’. Thank you!
Thank you so much to Claudia, LL, and Aussiegirl!! That was exactly what I needed to get back on my feet 🙂
I have a new problem this morning. I know it goes 100% against No Contact, but I’m wondering if it’s the right solution for me. See, the thing is, anger doesn’t sit well with me. It’s an emotion I don’t want to feel ever.
I’ve been contemplating writing him a handwritten letter (never unblocking or opening up cyber communication with him again) to tell him a few things:
1) The name of his skin disease. Holding that information against him does nothing for me, and was only a way for me to get him to talk to me (because I knew he’d only ever talk to me when he needed something). He will have many other partners and it’s not fair to spread this.
2) That I forgive him. My life has taken a few wonderful turns since all of this happened, and despite some ups and downs, I could not be more grateful for my new life. I learned a lot about myself and how to live a better life.
3) That I know what he is, and that I do feel sorry for him. I wish he could feel love, and understand that it’s not a kind thing to feign. I know his behavior is cyclical, and it will only get worse with time. I wish he could feel the things we all feel– joy, sadness, attachment, empathy, etc. but he never will. So I will ask that he at least be upfront and honest with his future partners, so that he stops hurting very good people. I know he won’t ever share what he is, but at least I can suggest it.
4) That I will never respond to, or open a response from him again. Not because I hate him, or because I’m scared of him– but because I know everything he says is a lie. I don’t even know if he can stop himself, and because of that I will never have a place for him or his words in my life.
I guess this has come to the point where I’ve slowly started to accept what happened, but I’m still unhappy with my OWN actions of withholding the disease name and not forgiving him. He may have been abusive and dishonest to me, but he no longer controls me. I make my own decisions, and I live my own life. And that life is a life of kindness. I can’t have this dark spot in my mind anymore. Once I’ve done the right thing and told him what his disease is (and made it very clear that I’ll never open a letter from him as long as I live), I think perhaps my heart can be at peace.
This letter would not be for him, it would be for me.
Wow, even after writing that out, I can already see what a horrible idea it is.
I don’t even need to wait for any of you to respond! I’ll do it for you: *BOINK*
Idea officially ditched 😛
New Winter, good thing you’re ditching that bad idea. You can write that note and send it to yourself if it’s for you:). But as someone said on one of the threads (was it Sky?), it’s up to you if your healing will take 3 more months or 3 more years. Any kind of contact, even “backdoor” contact like I had by reading some of the psychopath’s emails and by googling him from time to time, extends the healing time. And direct communication, like a letter, would sabotage any progress you’ve made so far (which is a big progress).
Sky, Kim and LL, earlier last week we were discussing trauma bonds. I mentioned I had done some research on Stockholm Syndrome and emotional abuse, but you guys have much more personal experience of trauma bonds in particular. I wrote and posted the article about this topic, but if you wish to send me by email more information about trauma bonds in particular, please feel free to do so. I’d welcome your input and give you credit for it on the revised article. Here’s the link:
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/03/15/when-you-love-your-abuser-stockholm-syndrome-and-trauma-bonds/
Claudia,
Just for clarification purposes.
I read the article and thought it was an excellent perspective put into laymen’s terms for others who cross the blog to understand.
I think trauma bonding is far more complicated, and I cannot claim to have been well educated in this area, my experiences being just that and nothing more. I’ve read about trauma bonds and I understand the machinations as to why it occurs by the abuser, as well as the consequences for the survivors, but I think Sky is much more well versed in this area and can provide much more precise, educational/experienced wisdom about it than I. I often learn from her. The only thing I can offer through email is how the trauma bonds were sealed for me in childhood and how it affected my future choices thereafter.
LL
LL, yes, Sky and Eva seemed to know a lot about trauma bonds from personal experience and to have done some research on the subject. Their input would be very welcome. As it is, the article focuses mostly on Stockholm Syndrome.