Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
lesson learned
Claudia,
I do have an opinion about Stockholm Syndrome versus trauma bonds. I think the difference is in severity. That’s just an opinion, from what I’ve been reading about Stockholm Syndrome. I wonder if the difference is not only the extremes, but that those with Stockholm Syndrome are less likely to leave a spath, rather than those who are trauma bonded. I’m getting the idea that the two are not exactly the same.
LL
Claudia
LL, you’re probably right. Another main difference is in origin. Stockholm Syndrome involves some type of forcing or duress, which it’s why it’s named after a bank robbery incident. In trauma bonds, however, nobody is holding anybody “hostage”, at least not literally. What they both seem to share in common, however, is a foundation of emotional abuse, where the abusive behavior is intermixed with small acts of “kindness”.
lesson learned
Claudia,
Correct! This is why I suggested what I did to you over email about expounding on the emotional abuse issue. It seems so overly simplified in the way of my suggestion, but try this: Google emotional abuse and find out what EXAMPLES of that are given. You won’t find very many. I think once a victim discovers what that LOOKS like and tie it into the trauma bond, they’ll better be able to identify what’s going on and tie the knots about their abusive partner, validating their experience as well as how they got involved in the first place.
LL
Claudia
LL, that’s a good idea. I’ll do that: especially if I manage to stay away from lovefraud
enough to get more work done:).
shopgirl86
Hello All
I just need support. I recently left a relationship which i believe he is a sociopath. My question is how do i start over with my life. How do I start healing?
ErinBrock
NewWinter;
Welcome to LF…..I’m a bit late in my welcome as I see you’ve been here a few weeks.
That said……
Here…..please pass me that skillet….BOINK!!!
That was a warning boink…..for letting your mind go off into caretake HIM mode…..
You can write the letter….and FILE IT.
Write it for YOU…..
And in RE: to anger….none of us ‘like’ it….none of us ‘do well’ with it.You’ve got a headstartt on learning about yourself herere….and growing.
It’s time to embrace the feelings we have become accustomed to shoving aside….THIS is another way we got ‘trapped’ by a spath.
Use your anger for your benefit. To learn from and learn the feelings of a’how’ anger truely feels. And let that anger take you into the next step of healing.
There is NO rationalization we can do with a spath…..it will ALWAYS be used against us.
I think what this thought was….and I’m glad it was only a thought….was a symptom of the yearning for closure.
If we could just ‘clear’ our slate…..
We need to ‘clear’ our own slate….NOT involving the spath…..
So….go ahead….write that letter…..and keep it in a private file for only your eyes.
ErinBrock
Shopgirl….
Welcome to LF.
There is so very much information to read about hree at LF.
It seems it’s ALL been covered…either in conversations or articles.
To give a short answer to your question……
In time, learning and self exploration and the desire to ‘have a life’ again…….if you take the healing steps of self growth to learn ‘why’ you got ‘here’…….you will eventually start to ‘live’ again.
I can’t tell you you will ever be the ‘same’ person before you got spathed….you won’t be…..BUT…..life DOES get better. Allow the process, embrace the process…..learn about the process…..and give it time.
Good luck in your journey!!
Ox Drover
Dear Shopgirl,
As ErinB said, Welcome and knowledge is power, so read and learn. There are MANY good articles here in the archives of LoveFraud (go to the “what is a sociopath” link on the left of the screen u near the top and click on that and then read each article there and then go on to another category such as “healing…” etc. and read and read. You will start to learn about them but also about yourself and you will become stronger and better and will heal. I promise.. It won’t be fast, it will take time, but the journey is worth it.
Again, welcome and glad you are here. This is a great place and some good, supportive people. You are NOT alone. God bless.
trimama
Ok, Folks,
I could use some wisdom and strength right now.
He came to my work place, all remorseful and sweet. Apologized profusely for taking up with a new girl. And for having sex with my elderly neighbor. And oh yeah, and with the divoree from down the street. All of which I assumed at the time he was living with me. But which he denied emphatically at the time.
Today he offers a few crumbs of the truth I had asked for all along.
And then professes undying love.
Until I discover that he has no money. And wants me to spend the night.
Which will undoubtedly lead to his needing a meal and a haircut and cigarettes.
And then off he will go in the sunset to the home of the new woman.
And the stupid thing is…I sit here all worried about him.
and feeling guilty for his situation.
Help!
Eva
You’re teasing us, trimama aren’t you?
He has fucked the whole neighbourhood and you feel guilty…
For God sake. Let him spray himself the crab louses he himself has caught.