Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
I memorize what you all say because despte all that has happened, I still believe in the basic goodness of people.
I even see good in him.
Which is the problem.
I see good in him…in the gentle way he talks to children, the wisdom he shares with younger people, the affection that he shows me, the way he is fun to be with in the most simple of activities. Shopping at WalMart was a blast!
I see the wounded child he is, sexually abused by an uncle, beaten in prison, growing up in abject poverty with an addicted mother. I see a man stuck in adolescense with no ability to mature past that stage.
What I fail to see is the significant bad in him…the extensive criminal record, the swath of human destruction in his wake, the hair trigger temper, the fact that he has killed before.
And the lies. The endless lies.
It is not just him that I see the goodness in. I see it in everyone.
Dear Trimama,
NOT everyone has “good in them”—there are people who are simply EVIL.
Think about the serial killer, Ted Bundy—he was such a NICE GUY WHEN HE WAS NOT RAPING AND KILLING GIRLS…..see what I mean? He really was “sweet” to his friends and worked on a suicide hot line giving good advice to people who were calling because they were in despair and wanted to end their lives…but he KILLED WOMEN FOR GOODNESS SAKES, did all the “good deeds” he did make him a NICE GUY? NO!!!!! He was a monster to the day he was executed.
No one is 100% evil every minute of every day, and no one is 100% good every day every minute, but the thing is the over all good vs. bad—there are some people so bad, so mean, so evil, that the good in them is vastly over shadowed. He is one of them.
It is a lie that there is good in everyone. a LIE. UNTRUE. Even if it were so, the “good” iis so small it does not make up for the evil that they do.
YOu do not deserve to be hurt by someone like this….but only YOU can stop it. God bless.
Oh, I forgot to say last week he told me he loved me with “all his Heart”, He wants to sell property we jointly own because he needs the money and he would rather “party” at the age of 50 than work. Of course, he wants his cash from me because I may sell on a land contract. He needs money now. Property is in my name, big mistake on his part. He also owes me over 3,000.00 that I want to deduct from his half. He whined and i said “How do you think I feel? I bought that property with you, and I never even knew you were screwing so and so at the time”. I hung up and have not talked to him since. He could care less, just goes on with his life. Talk about Jerry Springer material.
Nokeeper,
You’re not dumb. It has nothing to do with that. By the looks of it, you were programmed at an early age to believe you weren’t good enough. Your parents probably emotionally neglected you, and you grew up thinking this was normal.
That’s probably why you were prone to having a blind spot for a sociopath.
My mother has many narcissistic qualities, and at times, even sociopathic. She somehow maintains a fairly good facade, even though, she has treated me horrendously growing up, and denied me emotionally my whole life.
There was a point of despair when I was away from my ex-sociopath feeling so terrible, and wondering why I wasn’t good enough, wondering why he didn’t love me – at that time I just so happened to be on a road by a business where my mother used to work.
It was at that moment that I realized the pain I was feeling for my ex-socio felt almost exactly how I felt at a point with my mother. I guess I was just destined to re-live this until I finally got it.
I deserve love. So do you.
trimama –
“He came to my work place, all remorseful and sweet. Apologized profusely for ……..he offers a few crumbs of the truth I had asked for all along. And then professes undying love.”
At the risk of boring those who have already read this a million times, allow me to describe for you my spath’s finest Academy Award performance moment.
Hunched over sobbing, until he dropped to his knees and rocked himself to and fro as if he was a small child. Wailing and stammering as he forced out the words.
Words like, “I am not worthy of you. You are such a beautiful person and all I have brought to your life is misery and pain. You don’t deserve this. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I must be evil to do the things that I do. All I do is cheat on you and lie to you. I wish I was dead. Everyone would be better off I just died. I’m so sorry. There are not enough words for how sorry I am. Please just leave me alone and get on with your own life. You are such a wonderful, kind, loving person and you will find someone else who will treat you the way that you deserve to be treated. I wish I could change but I can’t”.
(Get the idea?) Many “crumbs of truth” in that there speech; NONE of them genuinely meant, even though they were true.
Tears streamed down his face and he “cried” so hard that the snot dribbled from his nose and was all over his face. His body shook all over. He is a tall man – over 6 foot – and solidly built; so the effect of all of this was pity-inducing. I felt sorry for him. I believed he was truly sorry – after all, who could FAKE what he just did and said? Spaths could, that’s who.
That same man was back to threatening my safety and life within days. Stalking me. Slandering me to family and friends. Bullying me and breaking into my home while I was out until I could stay there no longer and was forced to relocate.
“Until I discover that ….And then off he will go in the sunset…”
Trimama, it is ALWAYS “until you discover”, with them. ALWAYS.
And there is ALWAYS a “sunset”. ALWAYS.
“”I sit here all worried …..feeling guilty for his situation.”
We all did this but it’s time now for you to STOP. Keep reminding yourself that his “situation” is of his own choosing. Spath is not a mental disorder, like schizoprenia or bipolar, where if people are off their meds or they are on the wrong meds for them, they might do bad or dangerous things because they are unstable.
Spath is KNOWING what you are and choosing to stay that way.
Spath is being AWARE of the devastating consequences of your bad actions and choosing to do them BECAUSE of the hurt they cause and the drama and excitement they bring you. Spath is seeing other people (REAL humans) as nothing more than a plaything, a pawn or a piece of meat – and usually all three.
Compassion and empathy and concern should be reserved for those who actually deserve those things – starting with ourself.
Good in everyone? Sadly, there is not. Perhaps in MOST people, but certainly not in everyone. I don’t know whether you are religious at all Trimama, but if you are, it might help to think about how even God (who sees inside to the leanings of our heart and can read even our secret thoughts) does not consider that there is good in everyone. There are many people in the Bible account upon whom God pronounced the death sentence. He decided that in their case, there was nothing worth saving; no amount of anything that might have looked “good” to other humans was big enough to redeem them in his eyes; their evil was too great.
The evil of EVERY spath is too great for any redemption. It matters not whether they were or were not abused as children; it matters not whether they were rich or poor growing up; it matters not whether they are black, white, purple or yellow.
Spath is spath; and spath is evil.
purewaters3
You are right. It is the same pain. Kind of a sick twisting gut wrenching hurt. And I remember feeling so embarrassed no one seemed to love me. I think they tried to kill my spirit. So I kept it all to myself, because I was always the one that was wrong. They knew I was smart and I was belittled for it.
Trimama,
I remember feeling that way about my ex-sociopath. Feeling like I could see the good in him, and wanting to “redeem” that part of him.
Then, I realized that I am a human being who deserves to be safe, and that I can’t save people or redeem them from their bad qualities. That’s impossible, and it’s just not my place to.
Trimama,
I grew up in a toxic family with a sick stepfather who was a lot like your ex. Unlike you, I had no choice. I couldn’t get away. And yes, he had a fun loving and sweet, generous side, when he wasn’t being abusive. Because of all the years with him, the “poison” got to me, and I developed a lifelong depression that I battle every day, and I’m 50 now. Oxy is right. They are poison. You can’t “see” the black cloud with your eyes, but it’s there just the same. It can make you physically ill and even terminally ill. Raise your hand, everyone, if you know someone who has gotten cancer after dating a sociopath or narcissist for many years. I know several. My next door neighbor I told you about? She’s only 35 and just went through a bout with cervical cancer. I don’t think these things are coincidence. That negative energy has to go somewhere. It ends up in your body.
Your ex may be sad and pathetic and like a 13 y.o. But he has made choices. Decent people go through bad things, too, and don’t go around beating and strangling people. They get help. They don’t sit around trying to make people feel sorry for them and blame everyone for their problems. Considering all I’ve been through, outside of here, I NEVER talk about my childhood or use it to get sympathy from anyone. I wouldn’t even dream of it!
Wow!
Thank you, aussiegirl and Ox, for the insight and the wisdom.
I had not considered that some people are just bad, and choose to stay that way.
Actually, he admitted this a couple of times, that he was bad. I disregarded these statements…they did not match my world view. And besides he showed such kindness!
I see now from your statements that those were crumbs meant to deceive not to offer a picture of a person.
He knew I would discount his labeling himself as bad, and in so doing, miss the larger evil that lurked.
When he told me those things, I would respond that my good was greater than his evil.
I was wrong.
The Ted Bundy analogy was telling…most of us can relate to that even if we can’t see the evil so clearly in our own psychopath.
Thank you for the wisdom. This is in an incredibly informative blog because it teaches from the heart and from experience.
And Ox? I have become friendly with a man not unlike my psychopath physically though worlds apart emotionally. Being with him breaks the physical/seductive spell I had been under. It has shown me that there are just as attractive men out there who do not have to resort to deception to be enjoyable.
But my guard is up, and I am having fun without the games.
This article lacks balance. True, psychopaths have choices. Equally true, psychopaths have problems with self control. Problems of self control come a from genetically impaired mentality. I should know, I’m a psychopath. Responsibility is NOT black or white; it’s somewhere between.