Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
If a psychopath can control himself to pretend to be a caring human being, then the same control could be applied to remain a decent human being, instead of choosing to do it only as a means of destruction. Hence, the responsibility stays with no other than the psychopath. The manipulation, the lying, the cheating, the abuse is not an addicent, and least of all is it the responsibility of the victim.
Psychopaths act with no thought toward others. They lack empathy. Without empathy they choose to act in a manner that benefits themselves. Everytime. Is it a matter of self-control? Don’t think so. As you so aptly put, Darwinsmom, they can control themselves if it benefits them to do so. I would go so far as to suggest that spaths are probably VERY GOOD at self control. Again, if it benefits them.
It never has anything to do with choosing right or wrong. There is no such dichotomy to a Spath. What it comes down to is ME/you. And as far as spaths are concerned, there is no you. You are figment of your own imagination. You is object and may be used as such for Spaths ultimate gratification. Spath considers this RIGHT. It would be wrong, (in spaths mind) to choose otherwise. Spath is entitled to benefit from your objectification.
isnt the predator in a way using their victims in a form of survival? Without their victims they cannot survive as the predator.
mommom says:
isnt the predator in a way using their victims in a form of survival? Without their victims they cannot survive as the predator.
That’s what I’ve been thinking.. Without people and or things to take out their limitless aggression and self pity on they’d just commit suicide.
So, the way to get rid of them is to educate ourselves and our children so that no one will be duped by them anymore, they will get cut off from all supply, and then all of them will kill themselves.
Plan.
By the way, saying that without their victims they cannot survive as a predator may be true, but they will survive as a HUMAN BEING. Human beings do not require victims to survive. I don’t care what a psychopath’s temptations are. That doesn’t give them the right to act on them just to validate having temptations. As far as I know, no one ever dropped dead as a result of not being able to torture another human being, so I don’t think we would be stripping them of their “right to survival” if we denied them the excuse that they “need” victims like a lion needs an antelope. They don’t need it. They just want it.
…cont…more thoughts….
It’s an addiction for them, but imagine this:
A heavy smoker who has been smoking for years has his/her cigarettes taken away. They are put in a room with a child, let’s say. They are told that they can have the cigarettes if they torture and kill the child. They will not be punished for torturing and killing the child in any way.
Now, an addict might say, “But I need the cigarettes to survive!”
But only a sociopath would actually torture and kill a child just to get a fix. Other human beings are the collateral damage of their addiction, and there is no excuse for them giving in to their urges and choosing a momentary high over “the child.”
Panther – VERY good! your anger is serving you well: incisive wisdom.
i like your plan – education leading to starvation!
I have never engaged with my spath directly once i knew what she was. I have alerted others as to who she is and she has sputtered and spouted publicly in response but i have never given any direct response. Now, I have been doing some public education about spathy in places she haunts – and do on occasion take pot shots at spaths in general, that are sure to raise her hackles at times. She may surmise that the person writing has been hurt, but I never say that. I educate about p traits and say what a moron she is. But i could stop doing the latter – ignoring her, and just educating.
mind you, i also think that the more she is tied up with and has to attend to the ex dupes the less time she has for her new dupes. of which there are always many. I suspect her total is over 300, and the ones hit hardcore like me probably hovers around the 40 mark. oh rats, writing that down makes me want to ‘off’ her again.
Hi One/Joy
My anger is….my anger IS
End of comment. I am furious lately.
I know what you mean about memories inciting rage and the fantasies that follow. I liked Mel’s post about her and her son smashing things of his together. Then I sat down and realized that I have absolutely no one to help me smash, and I have none of his things anyways.
This then made me realize that I was raised in an emotionally sterile (although good intentioned) home and haven’t properly bonded with anyone on the planet in so long I cannot remember. After my sister died, I never bonded with anyone again completely….until my cat and then this spath….who ironically took the cat out of my life at the same time I realized he was a fake and here I am back at square one.
I resent that he cut me off from my support system. I am working on getting close to them again.
My ex is pretty irritated about everything that went down and he’s making a fuss all over “yahoo answers” and I condemned myself today for peeking over there again. Why do I still care? It’s denial, that’s what it is.
I have such a long way to go……………………….
Let’s send your spath a nasty computer virus 😀 Yeah yeah yeah!!! Just kidding 😉 I don’t even know how to do that but it sure sounds liberating.
Oh one more thing, do you ever look at what she has done (I am doing this over my ex lately) and think something like, “Wow! I wish I had no consience! Look how easily they make so much darn money! And here I am in debt trying to pay off their mess in my life. Maybe they are right. Maybe we are the stupid weak ones and they figured out “survival of the fittest.”?
You know, I think that a lot when I see these big wig money making soulless jerks. And I know that no matter how hard I could try (I cannot even begin to try) I’d never be able to just “turn it off” and operate like they do. They are kinda lucky and I resent them for coming out on top when they are cheating at everything!
Panther,
NO CONTACT means just that, no face book, no yahoo, NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA, NIL—-as long as you “peep” or “look” you are RENTING HIM SPACE inside your head. STOP!!!!!
Contact is like ripping the scab off a wound, over and over and over, it stops the healing process and opens up the wound again.
It is okay to be ANGRY! BE mad! But don’t break NO CONTACT.