Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
Sky, among some homophobic groups, as long as they are the “man” in the relationship, it doesn’t matter what or who the “woman” is in the situation they do not consider themselves homosexuals and in fact may be very homophobic. Today on FB my granddaughter was talking about going to lunch with her wife and some red-neck creep made a comment to her about “what about your HUSBAND”? People like that that have to take every opportunity they can find to dis gays or to make comments about how they are NOT gay even when no one is accusing them of being gay are usually I think, the ones who have a “problem” about it.
I am sure you remember the article Donna put up about Psychopaths being NEITHER straight nor gay, they will just DO anything that will hold still long enough–“animal, vegetable or mineral.” They are equal opportunity perverts.
Yep – The one’s that point their fingers’s and scream the loudest are hiding something….
Sky – bet his dick isn’t a virgin.
.
One Joy Step,
LOLOLOL
okay lovefraud friends, i am not so good right now.
the roomate moves in. opens suitcase, mold erupts. we do some work to remediate it, and truly i am not sure if it is working. i felt really sick, but i have been trying to work through the remediation and not let the reaction ride me – trying to distance myself from getting caught up in the reaction anxiety.
I am so happy to have someone in my place – having chats with her really helps me to ignore the noise in the building. I am much much less lonely. She’s smart.
and tonight she tells me that she is leaving as she basically doesn’t want to be so aware of another’s needs. says she went to her office at the uni yesterday and it was musty and dusty and she was worried what she may bring home on her clothes. says she is feeling self conscious, doesn’t want to think about such things. didn’t ASK me about what might be a problem, just didn’t want to have to think about it.
i am gutted. i am hurt. i am out a lot of money.
i just have to accept it. i told her i wasn’t sure if she was compassionate or neurotic. probably both.
i have such a bad feeling. trusted a situation. i feel really un-trusting right now. i am experiencing some of the feelings i felt when the spath fake died. so, my question dear friends is: has this just triggered something in me or is there something about her?
is this the feeling of being discarded. is it just that it is triggered. or is it something that she has done. I knew last night that she was going away. today she talked to someone at the uni and she is going off to stay with them. one of those people knows my sister (who has even more severe MCS) and thinks she’s nuts because she doesn’t know about mcs.
i am feeling like a freak.
so, i see the healing i have gone through – in this injury of the mold, and in this injury with this roomie. I see how much more trusting I have become since the fake death of the fake boy, and i I see that i have learned a lot about mold reaction and have healed a lot to have some space in my head regardless. i know that some of that space exists because i was less lonely. because i like living with someone else, and don’t like living alone.
my guts literally feel a hole, and i want to crawl into one, too.
onestep – I am sorry your feeling lonely..I dont think the roomie is discarding you at all tho.
Dear One/Joy,
Yea, I understand you feel discarded….and I can understand why you would because you went out of your way to get this room ready and all that and now she leaves….and I believe truly, she doesn’t understand.
Nah, you’re NOT a freak…and it is like perfumes “do me in” and I can’t be around them AT ALL without it making me sick —I even have to walk up stairs if there is someone gets on an elevator with a gallon of Avon on…I have to buy deodorant that has no perfume in it, and soap that has no scents added. I can usually do okay as long as someone who comes to my house doesn’t get too close if they have on a “gallon” of after shave or perfume. If it is someone who lives or frequently visits here (like my son and his friends) I tell them NO SCENTS PLEASE. Personally, I don’t take it as an offense if they don’t honor that, just don’t come back! LOL My house, my rules.
I’m not sure how you expected her to keep the mold off her clothes/hair etc. when she is in a moldy or dusty environment during the day, but I can’t imagine it was much more than washing her clothing and hair on a regular basis—If you wanted her to strip naked in the hall way and put on a bio-hazard suit before she came into the apartment, I think that might have been a bit extreme, 🙂 but I hope you won’t take it as a personal insult that she left. REALLY!
People who do are not sensitive to various smells or mold or other allergens etc. do not understand where you are coming from any more than people who have no knowledge of a psychopath understand that because you became a victim of a scam artist you are not crazy. Sorry you are having a bad day, kiddo! ((((hugs))))
Oxy – when she came there was mold in her suitcase.
we washed her clothes and i put some tea tree in her room. there were other things i needed to do this weekend also, but i was trying to take it slow, because i didn’t want to overwhelm her. it’s a process and i was going to give it a bit more time.
i didn’t know anything about her office ‘environment’ until she told me tonight. so, i wasn’t concerned about new issues, just the mold that came with her.
the weird thing is she *seemed* to understand immediately, and that may be what is so weird for me. she also knew it was a scent free/ smoke free household and that was fine by her.
my intellect is going, okay she set a hard boundary – she said, in her softest way, ‘i didn’t sign on for thinking about this’ (being concerned because her office is so unclean (that SHE has to leave it or she feels unwell) that she immediately became concerned about what she would bring home on herself.
something is just a bit off here oxy. she has good boundaries or bad boundaries. neurotic, or unknowing or uncaring? she seemed to understand immediately.
It doesn’t seem straight to me – i am not sure if she is lying or hiding something or just making things sound more pleasant (in the tone of her voice – that ‘not sign on for’ line got me, but i also know she may use sayings a bit differently as she is not from NA).
feeling that something is ‘not right’ here is triggering. not right never existed not dead boy.