Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
Well, I’m too cynical to do the on-line dating thing.
Ox, I am too afraid of it!
I am leary too. I get tons of messages each day, and I delete almost all of them. But, I do know people who have met nice people on there. One of my good friends, Charlie, I met ten years ago on Match.com. He wrote something to the effect that “hey, you never know, you might meet a new friend”. I contacted him one night and we’ve been “friends” ever since.
I am the “red flag” queen…VERY cynical.
This guy, who I haven’t met in person yet, feels the same way as I do. But, he wants to meet someone and it isn’t easy at our age since we don’t go out to clubs and bars like you do when you are younger, with your friends.
So, I will meet him at this local resturaunt, one of these days, after I settle my girls back into school and need a night out.
In the meantime, my sister, has been calling me constantly. I won’t answer the phone. I want to tell her how I feel and why I can’t deal with her hurting me and letting me down over and over. She doesn’t seem to see what she has done to hurt me…didn’t open her home to me during a hurricane!
I don’t want to harbor resentment, but I just cannot have people in my life that are really not there for me when I need them. It hurts too much. She has been emailing my girls too,which I don’t think is appropriate. They are very sensitive, because they really liked her and cared about her..but see how she always lets me down with her self -centeredness.
It just seems that, in this life, its not easy to find people who really “care”. When I am your friend, I am a true friend. I expect the same in return..or I don’t want it.
I am tired of being an option to someone when I make them a priority. I’m worth more, and this is what the aftermath of dealing with a sociopath does to us…after healing. We realize that it isn’t worth it to keep giving and getting nothing in return. If it isn’t “real”, I don’t want it.
Thanks for the article yes indeed I have been on this issue for over two years now. Forgiveness is a choice and it’s up to the individual. Mine was a conman he took me for thousands and like always promises to pay back..my story Looking into the eyes of a conman… I am much better to this day, I will always have some issues because of all of this. I forgave myself finally for believing in this snake. It’s between us and God for he takes care of it all ;;;;;;;; God bless all of you!!
2bhappy – ‘If it isn’t “real”, I don’t want it. ‘ nicely put.
tobehappy:
I loved your post…thank you!
I posted this earlier, but it didn’t show up…
Forgive, as defined by google, is to “[s]top feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.” That being said, is to forgive really about the aggressor at all, or is it catharsis for the victim?
I know first-hand that to cling to such hatred only brings more pain.
tobehappy, I might be getting stories confused, but didn’t you say your sister was an spath awhile back? If she is, then I found this statement of yours a bit odd:
“She doesn’t seem to see what she has done to hurt me””
I think it’s odd because, if you know she is an spath, then I think you are setting yourself to be let down if you are deep down hoping she will realize that she is hurting you. I know how hard it is to keep reminding ourselves that spaths don’t give s SH*T how they hurt us, but it might help us in the long run if we make ourselves face the truth now.
If I am waaay off and your sister isn’t an spath like I thought you’d mentioned earlier, then just disregard this comment.
Toodles
I was thinking about my life and how far I have come since my experience with the sociopath. It could have gone so badly, but with determination and a husband who stood by me, the strides made have been huge.
I cannot say I am happy that the sociopath entered my life (he was an affair, as is their usual M.O.), but it really opened my eyes to what was important in my life. My marriage, which suffered a lot, but which my husband and I work on all the time, by ourselves and with healers. My family was almost lost to me, but the same thing happened; we knew we were strong and had to overcome what had happened and learn to live with it. And we did. It is still there in the back of our minds, but we have moved on and have grown in our love for each other.
In a strange way, I have become a strong leader in my family, not necessarily because of the incident, but as an accumulation of life experience.
I can see now why I was open to such a relationship and what was not working or was missing in my life and in me.
I don’t cling to hatred for this man; I never hated him. I was disappointed in him for not being who I thought he was. And I was disappointed in me for failing to heed all the red flags.
Sometimes, if you just wait long enough, they will shoot themselves in the foot. Last year, this man was found guilty on three counts of sexual abuse and, subsequently, deported back to the European country he was from. Karma.
2BHappy,
It has been said here on LF many times (and other places I am sure) WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHAT THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM.
Your sister SHOWED you that she had no compassion and no care and no love for you the night she told you to go to a church.
I would have opened my home (and I bet you would) to a casual friend or neighbor on such an emergency, much less a sibling.
Obviously she is going to continue to call you and e mail your children. I suggest that you send her ONE E MAIL, and then BLOCK her e mail access to your kids and you, and continue to not answer the phone, or change the number if you have to. I would say, short and sweet, something along this line.
“Sister’s name,
I’m not going to go into ALL the reasons why I do not wish to have any further contact with you, only one. You telling me to go to a church when I asked to be able to come to your house to evacuate before hurricane Irene was the FINAL cherry on the top.
I do NOT EVER want to have anything to do with you again. You have proven to me that we do not have a good relationship. Please leave me and my daughters COMPLETELY ALONE.
AFTER THIS you calling or e mailing will only further prove to me that you have NO respects for my wishes. I will not change my mind under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES so give me and my daughters peace and LEAVE US ALONE.”
If she doesn’t get it after that, change your phone numbers. A short letter like this were you give A REASON and just saying “we don’t have a good relationship” rather than being accusing “you are a biatch” etc. may not give her so much N-injury (she will have some N-injury to be mad at you about just because you are not at her beck and call.)
Stick strong to your resolve to cut this toxic woman out of your life. I agree with you that telling you to go sleep on the floor of a church in that kind of emergency is about as LOW AS IT GETS. LOL