Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
Whirl…
My family was always very dysfunctional. My mother was an abusive. My father was passive. My mother always used the divide and conquer strategy by turning her five children against each other. My siblings are very selfish. My sister is the worst.
She is a lot like my mother. So is my other sister. I took after my father..who was educated, but a masochist. He took abuse from my mother until the 25th year when he caught her cheating. He left. But, he was very selfish also.
So, there’s been too much dysfunction and I was really on my own all of my life..just watching it all happen. I was the only one who went to college and became independent of them. Then, my one brother did also, and felt the same way as I did.
It’s sad that a big family, five kids…turned out disasterous. Both of my parents passed away young…early sixties. My youngest brother is married to a narcissist who controls him. I don’t even get involved and just see them on holidays. The dynamics of my family is not good.
My life became my girls and I and my very close friends. And, I am peaceful not being around the drama.
Dear 2B,
You know, I even quit the holidays with the dysfunctional ones years ago….it just wasn’t worth the drama. Every holiday became a big drama rama and I got to where the holidays actually were a pain in the back side.
If the ONLY time I get together with someone is a “holiday” because I am “expected” to, that isn’t much of a relationship. I’d rather be home eating a hot dog than share a feast with someone I don’t love or even like just because they are blood related. Not worth it.
I agree. After my mother passed away, my best friend invited us up for the holidays every year! I wanted my girls to have a warm holiday and fun. My whole family split up. Everyone went crazy. They were all mad at me for being assigned executor. It was crazy. In time, everyone started talking.
So, my brother who owns a million dollar home in an affluent town, invites everyone every year. I go for the girls. I spend time with my nephew, his son. Then I help clean up and hang out in the living room in front of the fireplace, in the IJoy massage chair. I refuse to sit at the dining room table and debate and gossip with the rest. I do it all for my girls. They enjoy themselves being with their cousins.
It was always drama, even when my mom was alive. She loved to cook and had every holiday at her home. But, inevitably, even after the day was over, there was gossip and drama.
I learned, when my girls were younger, to make our own traditions for the holidays. We enjoy staying home, lighting a fire, playing scrabble and cards, etc… Its a shame that disordered parents create disordered children.
tobehappy
I might be wrong but I bet there is gossip in all familys, even the Norman Rockwell family’s that play scrabble and all get along gossip about the one that is not present..
Gossip without drama or gun’s is common – I think?
2B, you say you “do it for your girls”…..what is that showing them about putting up with superficial people who have nothing but DNA in common?
I like your idea about making memories of your own with your FRIENDS and good people, not spending time with “relatives” who are dysfunctional.
My only “blood relatives” are few and far between, but they are loving kind and good people who care for me. The rest can go straight to hades!
speaking of gossip – Are you out there Behind Blue Eye’s? Did your new friend turn out ok? Hope your doing ok..
Yeah!!! I have also been wondering where BBE has been?? I hope he is OK!!
My girls like my brother…(he’s funny and a great cook) and his wife and their cousins…They know what my other brother and his wife are all about. They enjoy hanging out with their cousins…and I like my nephew…I was always partial to him….danced with him all night at my wedding! ( He was 4 months old!) lol! So, we have a strong bond. He is in NYC in college now!
So, we go up for dinner and thats it. Just for Thanksgiving and sometimes Xmas. We see them in the summer too because they have a huge pool and always invite us.
But, we do have our own traditions..and thats the fun part.
I envy people who have close families…Ours always looked like it to outsiders….we were always together. But, since my mom died, its different.
Oh Panther, I didn’t think you were being mean. I understand, but I also just understand what she said, too.
I am sorry about your ‘soul mate’, just try to focus more of your hurt into angry. It sounds bad, but it seemed to be the only thing that got more over and out of the situations with all my spaths. My ex got a pretty good hold of me, too. It was very hard, and I know what you are going through. Although, I stupidly stayed with him until he destroyed all the love I hate for him, and I half hated him when I finally left. Now, that sexy, charming, wonderful man makes me want to puke at the sound of his voice on the drunken messages he leaves on my phone. He was nothing but a walking lie, and the man I loved just wasn’t real. It was all an act and a big fat lie. Hell, he didn’t even drink before he got me hooked as I will not go out with drunks or druggies. I have a beer here and there (well not now cause I am pregnant), but I will not date someone who drinks a lot of even once a week. I grew up around beer drinking drunks, and I do not like it.
But the ex not drinking was a lie too. UGH! I fell for it all. At least now, I do not feel like such a stupid sucker (my brother does call me stupid for it btw. Anything to insult me.), I have forgiven myself. I think I forgave him enough in the past for crap, that he doesn’t get any more damn forgiveness from me! I do not care what the rules of forgiving someone. I feel better when the anger is all gone, and none of my energy goes to feeling anything for it. He doesn’t deserve my love, forgiveness, or my anger! I know that sounds very mean, but I am just at a place where I just do not care about him anymore. And I am happy about this. I hope you can get to a place like that soon, and it is okay if you forgive him or you don’t. Just make sure to forgive yourself, because it can be really hard on you when you love someone that you know you shouldn’t. Hugs!
http://www.sott.net/articles/show/191213-Word-gets-around-Twilight-and-the-trick-of-the-psychopaths
Excellent article and everything spelled out.
read it and learn what we are up against.