Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
skylar:
Thanks for this article. Good, useful information.
Skylar….great article! Confirms my own belief….that there are many more “disordered” people in this world than we think there are!
I went to Catholic school back in the day…and the nuns and some of the priests were 100% psychopaths! They used to humiliate, inflict fear, physical violence, and emotional abuse, of course!
All throughout history, are people who need power and control.
Evil is rampant.
This is why I am preparing my girls for the world “out there” by making them understand and identify “evil” …especially the masks people wear…and never to trust anyone, but your own instincts.
I wish someone taught me earlier about people in society. Instead, I was raised to “love everyone” …blah blah blah…and my confidence was consistently destroyed by my own psychopathic parent!
I was doomed to be preyed upon out there. I am glad that I am teaching my girls to be smart and tough.
Skylar, thanks for the article. I was already onto this when I studied International Conflict Resolution and Negotiations and then realized that I was never going to resolve anything when the people hiring me to solve the problem were the ones who also wanted the problem to continue. And on it goes. I had originally wanted to work in the government for humanitarian causes. Little did I know that the biggest deterrent to working for the government is educating yourself about it. I never even sent out an application in that field after finishing my degree. It was more like an education in what NOT to do with my life.
Scares the crap outa me…there is no island we can all run to….
Skylar,
Thanks for the link. You know I forwarded it to husband! He can chew on that for a while, then chew my bloody ears off!! 🙂
Ana, you’re welcome. I thought you’d like it.
how’s your agreement with your husband working out?
Hi Skylar,
I’ve watched prison planet a couple of times. He’s read LF a couple of times. So, it’s been ok. Of course, I feel he’s reading the good stuff, while I’m stuck with AJ…LOLOLOL!
I BF into the 9/11 theories?
How is the cement pouring going? Good Lawd girl..I can’t believe you can pour cement.
Will you come to my house and make me a cement pond??
Love ya 🙂
Hi Ana,
my BF is totally into 9/11 theories! I personally don’t really see why we need theories, I already know who did it.
… the spaths did it! who cares which ones? They’re all the same, they are all working together, and you can spot them by the red flags. duhhhhh!
Cement came to a grinding halt last week when I got cement burns on my hands and then I hurt my back last week. Hopefully I’ll get back on it next week.
I would so much rather be working on your pond than on my boring shop. One year, I made my spath mother a pond.
When she left to go on a cruise with my good sister, I talked my dad into making 2 ponds with a waterfall in her garden, with me. She loves her garden and I knew she would love a pond.
Well she does like the pond because I picked out some large green “quartz-looking” rocks that surround it, and she gets comments from people who walk by. But I never understood why she acts kind of funny about the pond. I don’t think she ever even said thank you. Now I know why. She hates me and it even bothers her that I went out of my way to do this for her. She’s a strange bird – even for a spath.
*sigh*
Skylar,
Well, I’d say thank you if you built me a cement pond!
Geez, you sound like a natural landscape architect! Check that out girl.
“they” NEVER say thank you, I don’t believe.
Good article, Sky, but I don’t think psychopathic governments are anything new—I think they have ALWAYS been ABOUT the power, FOR the power, and OF THE POWER since the days we still lived in caves.
The psychopath was the biggest, baddest MOFO on the mountain, and he’d push you over the cliff in a second without a single bit of remorse to get what you had, what he wanted.
If anything, the DELUSIONs we have that our leaders today are moral and altruistic are the only things that that keep us being pawns. I don’t see it changing. Look at the likes of Mao and Hitler and the MILLIONS, tens of millions, of people who died because of their psychopathy gone wild. Go back in history a hundred, or a thousand or ten thousand years, and there were other men just like them. Nothing new. But I think education and being active against the psychopaths as individuals is important, and to some extent we have some control over our own lives, but there are those who are born into cultures and countries over which the psychopaths hold dictatorship today and those people are powerless. Even if they knew what a psychopath was, how could they defend themselves? Look at Lybia, Sudan, etc. In many cases, if you knock down one psychopathic dictator, another one will rear its ugly head.
guess I sound kinda cynical. Maybe because I am. LOL