Although it has been many years and there is a new relationship, a friend of mine still wishes every day that the sociopath that preyed on her will “drop dead.” Wishing and hoping that some horrible end will come for the sociopath takes up time and energy in my friend’s life; as she searches for evidence that something bad has indeed happened to the sociopath and then is disappointed.
Recently, I discussed the topic of forgiving psychopaths with a psychopathy researcher who is not a clinician. He said he received a letter from someone complaining that friends were pressuring the victim to forgive. It was the psychopathy researcher’s opinion that people should NOT be told they have to forgive a psychopath.
Upon reflecting on this opinion, I believe that this psychopathy researcher may have a special insight that informs his view —that psychopaths should not necessarily be forgiven. Perhaps this insight is: in spite of their brain disorder, psychopaths still have a choice about what they do.
My son is now 7, he and I rough and tumble play every day. It is impossible to wrestle and not have some kind of slight hurt come to one or the both of us. From the time he was very young, perhaps as young as 3, my son has appreciated the idea that mommy didn’t “do it on purpose”. If he pokes me in the eye or lands rough on my stomach he’ll say “Sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
This example illustrates our inborn social contract that says we do not hurt each other on purpose. If hurts happen in the course of life, they are usually unintended side effects of other behaviors and so should be forgiven. Cheating on a spouse could even be forgiven as an unintentional hurt if the person succumbed to temptation in a moment of weakness, realized the wrong committed, then repented. Even murder is not punished as much if it is an accident.
The problem with sociopaths is that their behavior is no accident. They hurt people on purpose, carefully planning, then executing their plans. After 7 years of reading research articles and talking to victims, I believe choice is part of a complete explanation of sociopathy and victimization. If you watch any of the TV shows about sociopaths you too will see that the theme of their choices permeates the media.
Friday night, Gangland on the History Channel told the story of Billy Wadd, a member of the Devil’s Disciples motorcycle gang who gained notoriety when he broke the biker’s code of silence and testified against his nephew who murdered a family during a home invasion. Wadd said he decided to aid the prosecution of his nephew, John Wolfenbarger, instead of “taking care of things the usual way” because “You just don’t kill kids.” It is clear he believed these murders were performed with an intention that not even another sociopath could accept, so even sociopaths believe in their own capacities for choice.
Now let’s reconsider whether victims should be told they have to forgive. It seems there is a natural human instinct that says forgiveness is reserved for accidents, unintended consequences, and perhaps intentional slights that are out of character. How then can you ever forgive a psychopath?
Psychopaths have been compared to predators. I think this analogy is seriously flawed. A predator such as a lion or wolf has to kill in order to survive. Psychopaths don’t hurt for survival. They hurt because they want to, because they like hurting. Their enjoyment of hurting increases the likelihood they will choose to hurt if given the opportunity. They also seek out opportunities to hurt -not for survival but for pleasure.
Since sociopaths, with intention, repeatedly violate our inborn social contract, perhaps they should never be forgiven.
Instead of forgiving, I hope, my friend, you will think about all this and thoroughly digest the reality of the sociopath you shared life with. The reality is terrible— you shared life with a truly evil person, someone who regularly, with malice and forethought, chooses to harm others. Don’t stop hoping to see the day the scourge of this evil person’s existence will be wiped from the Earth, but do not waste any more of your time on him.
I think that the importance of “forgiving” the S/P is for our own healing. They are definitely not worthy of being forgiven in the sense that they get another chance, but holding onto all the hurt and anger by plotting their demise ultimately is a speed bump in our recovery. I believe that they will get what is coming to them in the end, and it’s not our responsibility or in our control to give it to them. The only thing that is in my control is “forgiving” my Ex so that I don’t waste anymore of my life thinking about him.
That all said, I’m still struggling with it on a daily basis-but I usually feel a lot better on the days that I’m not plotting his death or wondering if he’s happy. I certainly don’t think he deserves my forgiveness, but I do. I’ve just recently quit praying for his death, but in the time since when I’ve been working on this I feel a bit lighter.
To me forgiveness is about letting go, not giving any more undeserved chances.
I agree with you done, Letting go I know is the way I am going to heal more. I would love to let go of the anger I feel lately, its horrible, but I am struggling with it. I have been NC for quite some time now from the person I know is the root source of a lifetime of pain and confusion and many areas of life are returning to some kind of happy but the ‘silence’ has almost honed the memories, the clarification has increased the anger. I guess this is normal? more fog clearing means that you find more to forgive! Let go, let go is my daily mantra, just waiting for the click when the thought gears change and I can honestly say I have:)
a swedish film called “Evil” about psychopathc abusive stepfathers and school bullies.
http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi3332702489/
seeing the CBS segment of Denmark being happiest country with (lowest rate and tolerance for sociopathy) and such awareness films like this from Sweden one has to consider that the scandinavians are really top of the game in awareness and confronting sociopathic behaviors.
we can learn alot from them.
Mike
Blueskies,
It’s definitely going to be a process (letting go)! I too, can’t wait for the day where I truly don’t care anymore. I try to remind myself that it is achievable. One thing that helps me is remembering past relationships that don’t bother me anymore. I remember when my first boyfriend cheated on me, I thought I was going to DIE. Now, I could care less about that guy. So I try to remind myself that this pain is temporary (although much deeper due to the horrible nature of the relationship with an S/P). But still temporary. Too bad there’s not a fast-forward button for the misery!
Wini – God bless you! Thank you for the much needed “pick me up” and for sharing your shining spiritedness.
More than feeling a need to forgive…I felt the need to accept its where he wants to be.. what he wants to do…and how he wants to be in HIS life. I dont HAVE to forgive him…I just HAVE to make sure he has nothing to do with MY LIFE. I eventually chose to have forgiveness within for his choices – so that I could let go and move on and accept he isnt healthy enough to be a contributing member of society, let alone in a real relationship.
BANANA –
TRUE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IMHO forgiveness has 2 parts….
1) forgiving the other person
&
2) forgiving yourself
and IMHO to forgive, both must be there.
1) IMHO you should only forgive the other person,
a) if he/she is sincerely remorseful,
b) they have in fact (without a doubt) changed and they would never do it again,
c) and if you want to continue to have a relationship with them.
2) IMHO you will forgive yourself when,
a) you come to understand that it was not your fault,
b) you discover why you were suckered in by them, i.e., why you fell for the charm, lies, internalized the blame etc.
c) you have taken steps to not let it happen again (such as No Contact).
IMHO N/P/S don’t change, and don’t have remorse (unless it’s phony remorse) . . So the bottom line for me is I have forgiven myself and will not forgive the P/S/N. I do not forgive EVIL!!!!!
banana,
I agree. I don’t think the S/P I was involved with intentionally hurt me (with a few exceptions) but was completely self-serving, and couldn’t care less if I ended up with my heart on the floor, broke, in debt, & emotionally scarred. All he cared about was himself and when I was no longer an easy victim I was discarded like trash.
I recently heard from a fried that ran into him that he had said I was “doing great” and speaking other praises about me as if nothing had even happened, even though I hadn’t spoken to him in months. I was shocked, but when I stood back I realized that of course he would speak well of me, because he thinks it makes him look better. There were other times I heard from friends of his that he would tell them how I lost weight, looked great, found a great job, etc. all compliments that he would NEVER tell me in person. Now I realize that was just another part of his SELF SERVING attitude. Make it appear to others that he’s a great guy, while only revealing his true monster face to me in private.
Good riddance.
Hi, Lovefraud. This is my first post.
Well, I joined the club so to speak quite some time ago. Let’s just say marriage wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be. And unlike the luckier among you, I have children with the *entity* so I am forced to have some kind of contact.
About forgiveness, well, here’s my take on it.
I’m really into reality these days, so I believe in calling a snake a snake. What we’ve traditionally been taught about forgiveness is wrong. It isn’t about pretending the hurt didn’t happen.
That’s denying reality and it’s unhealthy.
It’s also unhealthy to let yourself get worked up over it. What did you expect from a snake? What will snakes do other than bite you and pump you full of venom?
Dwelling on it and wishing it wasn’t what it is just gives them power and saps yours.
If he or she is a snake, treat him or her like one. All the wishing in the world won’t turn a snake into a kitty cat and it takes away the energy you could be using to find a real kitty cat.
Oh, and if you have children, tell them the truth. Without emotion, just the facts. I think one of the worst things in the world you could do is pretend along with the predator that he or she isn’t one.
That just provides him or her an unending supply of prey.
So, yeah, that’s forgiveness. When you accept reality and don’t hold on to it, resist it, and try to make it into something else.
Accept the thing’s true nature and give yourself the gift of not letting the thing bother you. And don’t put yourself or your loved ones where the thing can harm you again.
Much success.
When I read in an earlier Lovefraud newsletter that there was some idea that socio/psychopaths can be compared to natural predators, the singular and most important distinction between the two immediately came to mind: a natural predator must kill to eat and to survive….but an s/p does it because they can, because it gives them pleasure, because they believe they have the divine right to do so, because they choose it.
I have spent two years pondering the subject of forgiveness.
For my own sake, to forgive would seem the healthiest thing to do and of course one’s friends always encourage it. But forgiveness is not really the right word is it? Release perhaps, to release this thing back to its habitat (never mind the guilt we feel about unleashing it on an unsuspecting world) and try to forget that it ever existed, release all thoughts of it, all feelings about it…if only we could entirely. The poster above, and welcome to this little club to which none of us would have ever wished to become a member, nails it I think. She says that to accept what it is, whatever name you want to give it, is the most realistic thing you can do for yourself and for your loved ones. You would never invite a viper into your house, nor would you let it crawl around in your heart and mind. You accept it for what it is; a dangerous monster. You know its nature and what it is capable of doing.
Perhaps it is only when we are able to reach this place of DISPASSIONATE acceptance of what is simply real that we regain some sense of power over what has happened. We did not know what it was, now we do.
Yes I’m human too, I read the obituaries ever day. I chuckle to myself, ‘oh darn its not dead yet’ like its a little inside joke. Sort of like checking my lottery numbers; I know I’m not going to win but I’ve had a grand time in the last 24 hours imagining what the world is like without IT.
Forgiveness….in some ways I have worked harder at forgiving myself. I needed to forgive myself for giving so much of my energy and my life. “All the love that you’ve been giving has all been meant for you” This idea has comforted me a great deal actually.
I have decided for myself that it does not heal me to forgive the monster, it heals me to forgive myself and to forget the monster and if I expect it to do precisely what it has always done, precisely what monsters DO, and to observe this as I would a bug or a snake, without feelings, then I will never be disappointed or surprised again.
If forgiveness is ever to be offered the monster, it will have to come from God. I think that’s been an essential part of this process for me; trusting that God will judge the monster as nothing in this world ever can, and trusting that God will know just what to do with the monster when it gets there.
In this way I don’t have to worry about justice, God will vindicate me, time will vindicate me, God will mete out the justice we each deserve in the end.
For Trophy, I know it must take enormous strength to be confronted again and again with contact. Your being truthful and dispassionately honest with your children about what the other parent is is the best thing you can do for them. I know they tell us as parents to reassure children about the love of the absent parent….but in situations with a monster, it only sets them up for false hopes and a lifetime of disappointment and shocking betrayals…and provides the monster with fresh prey. You have all my heartfelt prayers.