Dorothy Hooks is a Christian woman who tries to live by the Bible. When she met Cedric Youngblood, she saw a man who never had a chance. His family life as a child had been abusive. He had been in and out of jail. Dorothy saw someone who just needed to get out of the ghetto and learn the meaning of love and family.
In Dorothy, Cedric saw a giving, caring woman who wants to do the right thing and help people.In other words, Cedric saw a target.
Last week, the Cedric Youngblood story was posted on Lovefraud.com. Dorothy courageously talks about her marriage to the man who she now realizes is a sociopath. But for more than three years, Dorothy focused on Cedric’s potential, hoping he would change his abusive behavior.
Again and again, Dorothy gave Cedric another chance. She kept forgiving his cheating and his violence. She knew he could change.
He didn’t.
“I didn’t realize that for a person to change, he has to want to change,” she says. “If that person doesn’t want to change, he’s not going to change.”
Victimizing nurturing women
In his book, Without Conscience, Dr. Robert Hare points out that psychopaths (the term he uses) are experts at identifying and victimizing nurturing women.
There are many people in the world who want to think the best of everyone.Time and time again, Lovefraud has heard from people who have been deceived and defrauded by sociopaths who say, “I never knew such evil existed.”
It does.
Sociopaths make up 1% of the population. That means in the United States, there are 3 million of these predators looking for victims. These people have no heart, no conscience and no remorse. By the time they are adults, their personalities are set. Any attempt to change them is futile.
Discerning those who want to change
Of course, there are millions of people who get into trouble in their lives and deserve a second chance. So it’s important to be able to differentiate those who can be rehabilitated from those who can’t.
The first step is to accept that sociopaths exist. The second step is to know the symptoms of the disorder.
Then we may be able to discern the people who really want to change from the sociopaths who only mouth the words so they can keep bleeding us.
Hens,
When I was dating my husband (16 years ago), he told a mutual friend that he was attracted to my kindness. I didn’t know that possessing such a quality could be a liability. Yes, they do target good, decent people, taking advantage of anyone, I suppose. I now know that there are people who literally do not want to do what is right in life, being willing to harm others (without blinking an eye), still being an unpleasant fact for me to accept (but I have gotten this lesson into my core, so good for me). Now, what to do with all that we’ve learned and figured out through our practical experiences?
Good Morning Shabby – Yes my whole life has been about helping other’s to the point of not looking out for myself. My credit sucks cause I co – signed for this one and that one. I put their needs before mine, paid their doctor bills and didnt go to the doctor for myself. Put blinders on while they stole my identity and ruined my creditability. Worked in their yards with out pay just because I wanted to make them happy etc etc.. where are they now? Not thinking about me thats for sure…
Well, this is another one I have apparently missed in my “read every article on LoveFraud” campaign, there can’t be many left!!!! It is an excellent one and I am glad that it was brought back up as there is great information here.
It isn’t ONLY psychopaths that don’t want to change, or don’t see a need to change, but many times victims as well. We may even escape one abusive relationship, only to be sucked into the next one, and because we have not plugged the chink in our armor, there is always a place for another psychopath or abuser at least to crawl into our inner core. We must find the “chink in our armor” and plug that up, we must quit being vulnerable targets or we will continue to attract abusive people.
I’m not sure why they can REPEATEDLY “spot us” and we have difficulty “spotting them” even after we have been taken to the cleaners by 1 or more abusers and/or psychopaths—we some how don’t see the PATTERN of how they infiltrate our boundaries, get inside our forts—or why we OPEN WIDE THE GATES of ourselves to let them in–but until we find out why we allow the abusers repeated access to our inner cores, there will be more knocking at the gates saying “let me in” and we will continue to do so.
In a situation like Jaycee Dugard or Elizabeth Smart where it is a stranger abduction, those girls/young women didn’t have to be aware of why they were kidnapped/targeted, but they did, after the fact, have to work through the fact that they ended up being trauma bonded to these monsters and stayed even after the ropes were untied.
None of us here were as far as I know stranger abducted, but were instead abused by people we “knew” and voluntarily associated with (of course not knowing what they were capable of). Why did we give them a second chance and a third and a forth chance after we discovered the first lie/bad act? Why did our boundaries for abuse keep expanding and expanding until possibly we were in almost the same position as the wives of the kidnappers who helped kidnap Dugard and Smart, actually knowing about the bad acts that the psychopath did to others and still staying, trauma bonded to them? Or expecting them to change, to stop doing what they were doing?
We know we can’t fix them, I think most of us here have gotten to the point that we have accepted that as a FACT. Without blaming ourselves for their abuses and their acts, we do have to accept responsibility for the second and the third bad act that they did that we KNEW ABOUT and “forgave” or “overlooked” or gave them a “second chance.” (I don’t think acts that fall into the level of the victim having NO idea what was going on count toward that.) But for those of us who knew that the psychopath was lying, doing illegal/immoral things and we still gave chance after chance, WHY? Why did we allow our boundaries to be stretched to the point of not being boundaries at all? What made us continually keep up the magical thinking? The fantasy of “they will change” or “it’s okay, it’s only……”?
Were we working with a “truth” that was FALSE? “There is good down inside everyone.” “Enough love and understanding can change anyone.” “You can’t give up on your kids.” “Family first, blood is thicker than water.” “He’s really sorry.”
Those of us who have strong faith that even a person who has a very flawed character can change, can be forgiven and that “God can do anything” must realize that a person must WANT to change before even God can reach him. There are a few examples in history of people who did change, of people who did some awful things who turned their lives around, but the “best indicator of future behavior is past behavior” and the RARITY of the 180 degree turns in behavior underscore the fact that the chances are very slim that the person who is abusing us or has abused others is going to change significantly. There are very few rapists who become caring and loving intimate partners to the new relationship.
We also must want to heal, and not only WANT to heal, but LEARN what healing IS and process it in such a way that it is successful and that we can have healthy relationships with other healthy people and we must learn to recognize and avoid UN-HEALTHY people, whether or not they are psychopaths or whatever term legitimately applies to them.
Absolutely!
It comes down to becoming a better judge of character and stepping out from under the mantle of saving others. We can’t save except ourselves.
But, this must be within the boundaries of understanding that the disordered represent only 5% of population. that means 95% are NOT disordered or at lease not sociopaths.
Learning to function within the bounds of social norm is important, I believe to each of us who come here. If we were not caught astray of those bounds where the disordered operate, we might have saved ourselves a tough experience. The advantage of running with the herd is clear.
Key is not apologizing or making up for anything another person does or does not tell. If I don’t know, I don’t know. Assumption is dangerous. Very.
The facts and the facts of behavior speak loud. There is no oops. And it holds me and you to higher standard.
Maybe God can do anything and everything, but I don’t have to be there when he does it for someone with a flawed character. Its up to me to become a better judge of character.
I second that emotion!
We also must want to heal, and not only WANT to heal, but LEARN what healing IS and process it in such a way that it is successful and that we can have healthy relationships with other healthy people and we must learn to recognize and avoid UN-HEALTHY people, whether or not they are psychopaths or whatever term legitimately applies to them.
So true!
Silvermoon,
On your “statistics” that the disordered are “only 5% of the population” let me say that I DISAGREE….the statistics are 1-4% of the general population are PSYCHOPATHIC, meaning would score above 30 on the PCL-R, but in a prison population in the US, about 25% of the criminal inmates score 30 or more, meaning they are psychopaths, and the AVERAGE score of all inmates is a 22, and the average score of NON INMATES is about 5 or 6. So there are right this minute 2 million inmates in the US (the highest rate of per capita incarceration in the world) and another 5 million on parole or probation… also psychopathy is NOT THE ONLY PERSONALITY DISORDER according to the DSM-IV, there are others, as well as people with Other SERIOUS mental conditions and problems, so 95% of the population is NOT “NOT DISORDERED” it does not mean that 95% of all people are “good” or even “pretty good” it simply means that the WORST OF THE WORST comprise “only” 1-4 % of the population, but my “guestimate” if you consider all situations is that probably 35-50% of the general population have some “significant problematic behavior” with a fairly significant percentage of the population having a criminal record of some sort for dishonesty/theft, drugs or violence of some kind.
I hate to sound cynical but I have found that trusting most people very far is a big mistake! My trust is no longer dispensed until it is abused, it is EARNED by anyone who gets it.
I had a long telephone conversation last night wiht a friend of mine who is a professional therapist who has worked with sex offenders and psychopaths and really knows them, both on a personal level and on a professional level and we were talking about how many people we knew PERSONALLY (not clients) who were “seriously” messed up—who were seriously TOXIC. Unfortunately many of them in the “helping professions,” therapists, doctors, nurses, social workers, etc. He went on to say “You know, I really don’t like humanity. I like individuals, but In GENERAL I don’t trust PEOPLE.” Pretty cynical I am afraid, but “the more people I know, the better I like my dog.” (can’t remember what famous person said that, but it is true!)
Dogs, horses, mules all considerably more trustworthy than people for sure.
Earned trust is norm. No objection there. But looking for a spath behind every tree is a bitter way to proceed. Assuming one of every two people is a psychological train wreck? Man, I’m having a very hard time with that assumption.
And, it is DANGEROUS for amateurs to diagnose or define children with this or any disorder casually.
We all must be cautious. But to loose complete faith in humanity is a devastating thing – My heart goes out to anyone who has that feeling that because some are Toxic, that most are toxic. The key is discernment and avoidance on which I most sincerely agree with you.
I don’t believe it that one in two is a toxic personality and will not be convinced that there are not many, many good and true people in the world. And comparatively more of the good ones than not.
This is NOT to say that I don’t believe that there are a lot of problems but, I’m not buying the 50% logic.
You know, during one of the P’s “Don’t you trust me?!?!?!” Schpeals i was thinking and even said out loud something to the effect of, “Trust is earned, you don’t just give it away”
Here this schmuck was, preaching to me about I had to “Trust” him after I knew him for about a month ( Found out some incriminating info about “another woman”) and i was thinking, “What could I possibly have to trust him on?” I felt ODD for being PRESSURED to trust him- like it should be the default mode- trust him, like he wanted, a robot who sees things but pretends she didn’t.
TRUST IS EARNED PEOPLE. And even if trust is earned, you STILL have reasons to distrust people on ( it’s YOUR call not theirs! ), and it is TOTALLY UP TO YOU as to whether you want to share something with someone.
Dear Silver,
Not that 50% of people are psychopathicly disordered, but that probably 50% of the people have some SERIOUS behavior issues, drugging, drinking, petty crime and dishonesty, verbal or emotional abuse, enabling behavior, etc. Sure, it is a pretty grim view of humanity, but I think more realistic than not. On the SURFACe my egg donor is a “pillar of the community” but she is a TOXIC enabler protecting the family bad boy, so though she looks like a successful person, steady job before she retired, financially secure, no criminal history, etc. she is NOT A HEALTHY PERSON emotionally or psychologically.
I had a couple of dates with a guy who was a resident of another state, but he was a widower, retired, financially secure, his brother lived near me is how I met him, and he seemed like a “good guy”—but he wanted me to let him ILLEGALLY FLY MY AIRCRAFT OUT OF MY AIRPORT so he could go for a joy ride. His license was not current with the required medical, the plane itself was not legal to fly because of no insurance on flying it, the airport was not legal, for the same reason, AND the plane had not had the legally required mechanical inspections. He insisted that “I won’t crash it” but I kept saying “but it is ILLEGAL” and all he would respond was “well, I won’t crash it” Well, the morning my husband died, there was insurance (thank God!) and he was an experienced pilot with all the legal Ts crossed, and STILL the plane crashed, killed him and severely burned 3 others and still we got sued by the guy whose pasture the plane went down in. It wasn’t even my husband’s fault. It was the owner of the plane but since he was a student pilot my husband was RESPONSIBLE for the crash anyway.
I didn’t let the guy fly my plane but I also did NOT go out with him any more either (well,, he didn’t ask me again, but I wouldn’t have if he had) because he was I SAW, DISHONEST. He was probably NOT a psychopath but he was at least marginally dishonest and that in my book makes him TOXIC TO GOOD RELATIONSHIPS AND GOOD SENSE.
My X-BF that I do believe was a psychopath, drove drunk from time to time, and THAT ALONE would have ended the relationship for me. How many “good old boys” drive legally intoxicated? In Arkansas the OFFICIAL statistics on Friday and Saturday night are 1 in ten drivers on the roads are “legally drunk.” To me, that makes those people criminals that just haven’t been arrested or properly prosecuted. As far as I am concerned, that means that a pretty high percentage of people do things that are “minimally criminal” (at best phrase) and that behavior is something that eliminates them from what I consider the class of PSYCHOLOGICALLY HEALTHY PEOPLE. Then if you look at the people who are seriously mentally ill with bi-polar, borderline, addictions, and other serious mental illnesses, and add them all up, what do YOU think would be a percentage of people who are psychologically “healthy” individuals that you might want some kind of an intimate relationship with?
Doesn’t your dog look better and better?! LOL
hen, money, spaths do not get it! Run up debts, we try to help, sort them out, bank account, repayment plan, even give then the flippin’ money and they still can’t do it. Or they do it for short time and do not consider the implications of not keeping up payments.
He would buy things he could not afford, not budget, no thought for tomorrow or how to prioritise.
Looking back….he never actually bought anything for the home in the year I was with him. If he bought anything it was for him.
He never paid a bill.
Why did I put up with it? Looking back. Like Ox says they do it once, twice and we keep giving them the benefit of the doubt (boink) thinking that they will ‘get it’.
He bought a car washer £80 what the hell for I have a car washer!
He never treated me with chocs or flowers – once he bought me a bar of choc!!
He would buy something knowing full well he needed petrol for the car – very infantile, no thought for tomorrow.
I paid at the bar, for meals, holidays – gee whizzzz (boink boink)
Pass the frying pan.
They never change and he’s living proof.
Ox, you’d love my dogs. You would. I do.
I am sorry that you’ve had so many tough experiences. It doesn’t seem fair that anyone would, but it does build your expertise!
Intimate/close relationships don’t just mean sex partners. To me they include close relationships family, friends -people I love. And they fall across a range of interpersonal engagement.
My rules? No lying,. No cheating No stealing: no kidding.
The volume of your pain and suffering is almost more than I can bear. I wish there is something I could say to soothe it. But I do not believe there is.
So, I will say that my experience in life is that there are very bad people, there are bad people who do good things sometimes and there are good people who do stupid things sometimes and there are good people and GREAT people.
The badly disordered make up less of the population than the good ones. The Great ones are rarest. My taste has always been for rare and wonderful things.
But a taste for the exotic got me in a bad trouble so I think my favorite flavor going forward is going to be VANILLA.
LOL!